Whoa. The firefighters arrived a lot faster than I thought was even possible.
That feels really sketchy. Like, how did they get there so fast?
Also, I had some doubts about the new fire retardant they just started using. It’s full of chemicals that I think are probably bad for my family’s health.
Yup. Just checked on Google. Lots of people agree that the chemicals in that fire retardant are really dangerous.
Of course, the firefighters told me I should listen to them and let them do their jobs, but that’s exactly what you’d expect them to say. They’ve obviously got a prejudicial interest in putting fires out.
And you know what? I don’t even know how the fire got started in the first place. Some people are telling me it was probably rodents chewing on our wires, but I suspect it was faulty Chinese electronics. Without that information, it was hard to know what to do.
I also read online that there have been times when firefighters have actually injured the people they’re trying to help when they are putting out a fire. It’s apparently way more common than people know.
When it came down to it, I just didn’t feel like I had enough good information to let the firefighters do their jobs. I told them to leave me and my family alone.
One of the firefighters told me it was my civic duty to let them put out the fire before it spreads. That’s when I knew I’d made the right choice. They obviously care more about other people than they do about me as an individual.
I’ve heard that if you’re young and healthy, there are lots of effective ways to fight a fire on your own.
Anyway, my house is ashes now, several people in my family are dead, and my entire neighborhood is a charred hellscape.

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More from @mdlaplante

10 Sep 18
Can someone explain why there was a SYRINGE on the cover of this old sound effects LP? Like, did syringes used to make noise? And, if so, what kind of noise? I imagine a slide whistle, except instead of a "whoo-ooo-oop" it was more like the sound of people being tortured in hell. The cover of a sound effects record. Inexplicably, it has a syringe on it.
Oh, Dear God in Heaven, there were several of these records. Another sound effects record with a syringe on it. What the actual fuck?
OK, so this one is subtitled "doctored for super sound." I'm so confused right now. And also ready to create a graphic novel called "The Sound Effects Man," about a guy who kidnaps people, pushes syringes into them, records their screams, and then sells the LPs for $3.39. Another sound effects record with a syringe. This one says
Read 10 tweets
6 Sep 18
I think I figured this out: The anonymous Trump administration official working to thwart the president's agenda is U.S. Ambassador to Russia Jon Huntsman, with a writing assist from Ian Bremmer. (I think.) Here's why...

nytimes.com/2018/09/05/opi…
My first guess was Larry Kudlow. He’d written about “first principles” before. But the cadence didn’t feel “Kudlowy,” so I started focusing on small bits of text, searching individual words and phrases. When I did, Ian Bremmer’s work kept popping up.

foreignpolicyconcepts.com/ian-bremmer-on…
Bremmer writes A LOT. So it stands to reason that we’d be able to find a lot of the words in the mysterious op-ed *somewhere* in his writings.

time.com/5324719/recep-…
Read 17 tweets
1 Sep 18
Buckle up, buttercups. My news writing students have turned in their first assignment of the year, and if I'm going to remain even a little bit sane and sober while grading these papers today, I'm going to need AN OUTLET FOR MY FURY.
First article of the day: This woman doesn't know how to spell the name OF HER OWN CHURCH. Can someone come over with some whiskey and pour it into my coffee? Or just some straight poison. Put me down. Please.
Pro tip, if you're going to obfuscate your relationship with a source, you might as well just kill the whole ethical hog and change his name. Because I just found your engagement website. (Congratulations on your upcoming wedding; condolences on your grade.)
Read 22 tweets
13 Aug 18
I spent several years of my life working in Sensitive Compartmented Information Facilities, and this is what I learned: There is no level of security that can keep these places secure if the people running them don’t have the trust and respect of their subordinates. #OmarosaTapes In this photo by Evan Vucci of the Associated Press, Omarosa Manigault-Newman sits next to President Donald Trump.
If Omarosa took recordings in the Situation Room, and it appears she did, it’s not simply an indication that a “lowlife” breached security; it’s a sign of a failure to create a culture of trust and respect.
When it comes to security, the obligation to create a culture of trust and respect doesn’t come from the bottom-up. It begins at the top — with well-vetted hiring decisions, a demonstration of commitment to integrity, and security-minded example-setting. This is also known as:
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12 Aug 18
Do you know the story of the first elephant to arrive in America? It’s a rather remarkable tale. Gather ‘round for a #WorldElephantDay story… An elephant at the Oakland Zoo peeks out from behind a tree.
In 1796, a ship captain named Jacob Crowninshield went to go pick up a merchant vessel, called America, for a commercial fleet owner in Boston. But there was no sense in bringing home an empty ship. So Jacob stopped in Calcutta. That’s where he saw an elephant—and hatched a plan. A black and white portrait of Jacob Crowninshield, wearing a peacoat and holding a ledger. There is a ship in the background.
Jacob Crowninshield asked his brother Ben to invest in his plan. When Ben declined, he wrote to his other brothers. “I suppose you will laugh at this scheme,” Jacob wrote, “but I do not mind… of course you know it will be a great thing to carry the first elephant to America.”
Read 15 tweets
11 Aug 18
The guy behind us at this @NWSL game has no idea how this game works, but is explaining soccer to his family with a brand of confidence that would make @Ibra_official seem modest.
Among other tidbits I'm picking up: penalty kicks are awarded for "really bad fouls."
Offside is when you kick the ball toward the goal before passing it a requisite number of times.
Read 8 tweets

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