Buckle up, buttercups. My news writing students have turned in their first assignment of the year, and if I'm going to remain even a little bit sane and sober while grading these papers today, I'm going to need AN OUTLET FOR MY FURY.
First article of the day: This woman doesn't know how to spell the name OF HER OWN CHURCH. Can someone come over with some whiskey and pour it into my coffee? Or just some straight poison. Put me down. Please.
Pro tip, if you're going to obfuscate your relationship with a source, you might as well just kill the whole ethical hog and change his name. Because I just found your engagement website. (Congratulations on your upcoming wedding; condolences on your grade.)
No, that's not where the comma goes. No, that's not right either. Um... no... not there. Let me show you where to put that comma.
Average grade so far this morning: D.
High grade so far this morning: D.
Low grade so far this morning: D.
High grade so far this morning: D.
Low grade so far this morning: D.
We have our first C of the semester. God help up all.
One of my students just quoted a local Zamboni driver about the basketball team's free throw shooting percentage. What is this source's expertise or experience relevant to this subject? Yeah, I don't know either.
Status update: 
Um, no, transcribing a YouTube video is not journalism.
Headline of the day: "Utah freshmen need weed!"
(So do some of their professors.)
(I'm guessing.)
(Personally, I wouldn't know.)
(Don't do drugs, kids.)
(So do some of their professors.)
(I'm guessing.)
(Personally, I wouldn't know.)
(Don't do drugs, kids.)
Me: This student is a pretty good writer.
Also me: This student didn't follow the assignment instructions.
Also me: *Takes another drink.*
Also me: This student didn't follow the assignment instructions.
Also me: *Takes another drink.*
Important update: One of my students has earned a B on her first paper of the semester. *Choirs of angels singing.*
That was short-lived. The angels are falling from the sky, splattering all over the ground. Who knew angels could make such a bloody mess? Gross.
For the love of all that is holy and decent in the world: It's is a contraction.
Here is an example:
It's too bad that you got such a bad grade on your first assignment.
Here is an example:
It's too bad that you got such a bad grade on your first assignment.
Halfway done. At least so far, there's nobody whose writing is so bad that we can't fix it. I've seen worse. But Dear Baby Jesus, there is A LOT of work to do.
Best article of the day, so far, was written by a student who spelled a source's name wrong. So, F.
Repeating the same information multiple times is a very effective way to make your article longer, and make your professor's fuse shorter.
Props to the student who just sent in a blank email.
"This was nine minutes late, so you will receive no score."
Deadlines is deadlines, yo.
Deadlines is deadlines, yo.
Update: The late paper was the best one I've read so far. But, F.
Aaaaand I'm done.
Elapsed time: 8 hours 30 minutes.
Best grade: B
Average grade: D-
Soul-crushing moments of despondency: 12
Shots taken: Lost count
Students who are completely hopeless: NONE OF YOU. We've got 15 more weeks of this, kiddos, and we're gonna make you writers yet.
Elapsed time: 8 hours 30 minutes.
Best grade: B
Average grade: D-
Soul-crushing moments of despondency: 12
Shots taken: Lost count
Students who are completely hopeless: NONE OF YOU. We've got 15 more weeks of this, kiddos, and we're gonna make you writers yet.
