Thread by @XivTroy

I stopped going anywhere with Ochi because the fool once stopped to hit on a policewoman with expired insurance. Back then there was a roadblock right after Mau Summit on your way to Londiani. I ate watery cabbage & porridge in a cell. We had not even been flagged down!

We were delivering some stationery to Busia. Ochi says we should start early. He has a sticker in his car, reads: "bro's before hoes!". He puts on some gospel. "When Jesus says Yes, nobody can say no!" I am thinking, this fool has really changed.

I try to put on the seatbelt, he looks at me, says mirthfully that I need to ease up: "what are you afraid of?" I didn't like his tone. Made me look like a bitch. And I am no bitch. So I ease up. No seatbelt. Gospel flowing. Good times.

All the way through Sobea, he tells me about his latest girlfriend. Tells me she can cook everything. Even prepares excellent smoothies! I say, "she is the one, bro! Don't mess it up". He says, "I won't man. She has even introduced me to gospel." I say, "Amen!"

I had lied to my girlfriend about my whereabouts, coz every time I told her about a deal, she gon start talking about "we need to get a new sofa set". We had depleted the current one with our constant nation-building. If this deal went well, I was going to surprise her!

I even called the furniture house, told them to pack the seats. I would send the money in the evening. I say, "be careful with that shit, get three or four people to carry them! I will pay!" They say, "Yes, Sir!" Ochi is still driving, we get to Mau Summit,

Up ahead, I see a roadblock, but they did not seem to stop private cars, only matatus. So there is no worry. I try to put on my seatbelt again, Ochi says, "you are acting like a bitch!". So I put it back. Street cred! Don't want to mess that up. So on we go.

We get there, police woman is waving us on. As her other male mates are collecting bribes from the matatus. I am chill, all is good. Next thing I hear is, "T. She smiled bro! Did you see that? She smiled!" I sit up straight. I know that tone. This fool was serious!

He is slowing down. I say, "Ochi, let's just go man! It's not worth it." He says, "bro, I just want to get to know her. No harm."

I say, "man, I know you! What happened to the girl you were just singing about". He says, "I didn't tell you everything. She snores!".

Goddamit!

Policewoman sees our car stopping, waves for us to go. Ochi does not budge. She comes over, Ochi starts complimenting her. The fool has charm, policewoman is blushing. Talking about, "you don't smile like police..."

How do police smile? Surely.

The male police see the police woman blushing, one moves closer, asks: "Is he bothering you?"

Before the police woman responds, Ochi quips, "No, Mr. Police...I am just asking for directions...to her heart" Big mistake!

Ochi spoke English to the police. You don't do that!

The policeman, obviously irritated, goes to the windshield, leans inside the car, tells us to alight. Ochi had one job! One fucking job!!!

Policeman starts, "you must be very thoughtful people, sparing the seatbelt like that so it does not deplete"

Quiet!

He continues sarcastically, "And the insurance, you are pre-paid customers I see...You only pay after you are arrested...honorables!...Afande, bring that landcruiser around! It looks like we will be hosting state dignitaries today!"

Ochi starts blurting out legal jargon!

We are arrested. With Ochi talking about his rights. I eat slimy cabbage & pretend to like it. I get one call, I call my gf: "I am arrested." She is shocked, she thought I was in another town. Starts going on about she is leaving. She's had it with my cheating! Fuck Ochi, man!

I can't even look at Ochi, this mofo had told me seatbelts were for bitches, yet his insurance had expired. I do not know what will happen to my nation-building seats. I owe money to the loaders. The client in Busia is utterly incensed. Ochi is still talking about his rights!

We get released in the morning. Had to part with half of the seats money. We could not proceed to Busia, had to get insurance in Nakuru 1st. On our way back, he throws his hands in the air jubilantly. I turn to him, livid. He goes: "she gave me her number, man!" Ochi Lil Romeo!

So yeah, the only way I am letting Ochi drive me anywhere is if I am in a coma. He ended up marrying the policewoman though. They have a kid. Been several years. I was the best man. I ate the biggest cake. I had earned it. Would he do it again? Ochi smiles, "hell yeah!" Lunatic!