Thread by @XivTroy

This one time I was living with my girlfriend & dog. Our relationship had thawed coz her parents were nagging: "Oh goat swallowed a salamander"... Oh! the cows needed more salt". I was tired of their ass! If a cow was old enough to demand salt, it was old enough to work for it.

She would take it out on my poor dog. Saying he is big-headed & eats too much. I said, the dog was eating just fine. It's her parents' cows that had the tastebuds of a dinosaur. Things were not good. Then by some chance, we got a new neighbor, Opija.

Opija was a chill dude. Lots of English, colorful clothes but generally cool dude. Now, his woman on the other hand was a b*tch. She wouldn't deign to greet back, would litter our shared verandah & complain that our apartment stank ass. I mean, she wasn't lying but come on...

Things were good until the 3rd week of their arrival. They would argue deep into the night. I also noticed that our apartment was starting to smell of bushfire. My girlfriend also commented that our neighbor must be wealthy. They were always getting Chicken Inn & KFC.

Then, my neighbor Opija, started being very friendly. He'd say things like, "a good woman is sent from heaven, but a bad woman will roast your stomach". I'd say, "Wisdom!" So we kind of became friends. We'd stand on the shared balcony, talk some, then go to our respective gfs.

After some time, I noticed that Opija was thinning. I asked the mofo, "what's up brother?" He said, "it's our government. Very corrupt." So I said, "patriot! Good man! Thinning for your country." I admired him. I used to tell him, "this country needs people like you!"

He'd ask strange questions. Like, "what did you eat today? Was it tasty?" I figured he making small talk so I didn't mind. Then rumors started flying, that Opija was starving. That his asshole girlfriend could not cook. This mofo had lied. He wasn't patriotic, he was just hungry.

Opija's gf looked pretty good to us. Very healthy. She had become a menace. In fact, it was her meanness that brought me & my gf back together. We agreed that she had to go. For Opija, our apartment & the country. It made sense that if Opija was full, he'd be more patriotic.

So we invited Opija over for supper. I'd told my girlfriend to prepare the best food. She made salad. She made chicken drums. She made onion macaroni & minced meat. Then she did some kienyeji veggies. Ultimately, she made thick smoothie. Opija got in & started crying.

I ask Opija why he's crying. He says it's for the country. My gf prays for the meal. I take one drumstick, & throw it on the ground. Opija is shocked, he rushes to pick it, I tell him it's alright. That's for the ancestors. "There is more in the hotpot." Opija wipes off a tear.

So we eat & eat. My dog also eats so much he leaves food on his plate. My girlfriend keeps going to the kitchen, asks, "babe, mango juice". I laugh loudly, "Babe, you want to kill me with food". She says, "you are my man, you must eat." I see Opija knotting a fist.

I had never seen Opija so lively before. He'd stop to say some very unrelated things, "a thief has only 40 days"...or "If they show you who they are, believe them." So naturally, I am saying, "true! true!" The meal is done, we do a little more salad, time for Opija to go.

My gf says, carry some with you. Opija knots bites his jaws hard. He looks like he is going to cry. I turn to my gf & say, "if this country had more people like Opija, we'd be very far." We give Opija four drumsticks. He thanks us. I hear him muttering, "she will see today!"

We go to bed. Later in the night, say 3:00 am, we hear screams. I wake my gf up. It's Coming from Opija's unit. We rush outside. The neighbors are already there. We can't access the house, because the main door is locked, but we can see through the kitchen window.

Opija was standing behind his girlfriend with a cooking stick & a belt. She was busy turning the biggest ugali inside the biggest sufuria I ever saw. She was crying. Opija was also crying. I heard him say, "...then you have the audacity to eat 3 drumsticks!"

The mean gf turned to him & mumbled something. Opija shoved her head with the cooking stick, "which sleepwalking?! Why didn't you sleepwalk yesterday? You had the whole night...I want my drumsticks! You must cook today" Poor Opija! She won't cook food & still ate his drumsticks.

My dog had gotten agitated, so he started barking. When Opija heard that, he started crying, shaking his head. He turned to his gf & said angrily, "...dog is eating better than me... You can sleepwalk but can't cook" In the end, we watched as his mean gf prepped him a meal.

When she was done, we clapped & ululated as Opija sat right there in the kitchen to eat the ugali. The next day, he sent the mean gf away. I had never been prouder of Opija. He said, "a thief has 40 days." I said, "true! true! brother." Opija got another gf. He eats well now.