Thread by @ResilienttHuman

Why do a whopping 83% of marriages end up unhappy?

5 Toxic Habits That are CRIPPLING your Relationship

(Beware of these psychological pitfalls that all happy couples avoid)

= THREAD =

"Happy couples are all alike, but every unhappy couple is unhappy in its own way."

- Leo Tolstoy

83% of all marriages are unhappy.

This is what Dana Adam Shapiro found out during the research for his book "You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married)".

But why?

What makes so many couples unhappy?

And what's something that the other 17 % are doing right?

They are just staying clear of a few bad relationship habits.

So here are 5 toxic habits that are crippling your relationship:

TL;DR

1. Trying to "Fix" Your Partner
2. Keeping Scores
3. Using the Past as a Weapon
4. Oversharing Relationship Troubles
5. Going With the Flow

1. Trying to "Fix" Your Partner

When your partner is in a bad mood it feels stressful.

So you immediately go into the handyman mode and try to fix them.

You give them unwanted advice on what they should do to feel better.

But it causes more harm than good.

Quick solutions to a bad mood are invalidating.

And it's driven by your urge to feel good.

Not from a place of empathy.

So what to do instead?

Resist the urge to play doctor.

Stay patient and listen with compassion.

Often, that's all it takes.

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

― Will Rogers"

2. Keeping Scores

You keep track of the wrongs your partner has committed.

So that you can claim a position of moral authority.

It's a move that screams insecurity.

It gives you an ego boost when you feel guilty or ashamed.

But in the long run, it ruins your relationship.

Instead, try treating them with grace.

Every relationship needs some buffer.

Because everyone screws up once in a while.

But if you're constantly reminded of the time you slipped up, trust and care fade away.

If you're keeping scores to "win", you've already lost.

3. Using the Past as a Weapon

You bring up your partner's mistakes from the past to win an argument.

You rationalize that if they didn't want to be reminded, they shouldn't have done it.

It's true.

But it's never helpful and it kills trust.

It's a cheap defense mechanism to avoid uncomfortable conversations.

Resist the urge to "win" the argument always.

Or see the long-term health and happiness of your relationship go down the drain.

4. Oversharing Relationship Troubles with Others

You share intimate details of your relationship with others.

It feels cathartic.

It feels like you are doing something about your relationship troubles.

But it's just procrastinating on the hard work of a relationship.

And nothing can be more toxic in the long run.

It kills trust and intimacy.

At some point, your partner just stops confiding in you.

That's the death knell of a relationship.

5. Going With the Flow

"Wait, what?
What's wrong with going with the flow?
It means I'm more flexible right?"

Right. And wrong.

Right when you are doing it occasionally.

Wrong when you are doing it always.

Disregarding your needs and wants in favor of your partner is not good for your soul.

Instead of always giving in, learn to set healthy boundaries.

State your needs and wants with assertiveness.

It's much more healthy for your relationship.

Did you find any of these habits in your relationship?

That's too bad.

But no need to think all is lost.

Bring awareness and intent to your relationship.

Try to steer away from these pitfalls.

Your relationship will start to bloom again in no time.

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