This was a great segment & I really want to talk about a feeling that was described by Ani Spooner regarding hiding her strawberry birth mark growing up.
It's not something I've heard talked about much but this feeling is something I relate heavily to as an autistic person. 1/18
It's not something I've heard talked about much but this feeling is something I relate heavily to as an autistic person. 1/18
https://twitter.com/AniSpooner/status/1447923250529439754
In this segment about facial differences, she talks about how she was taught how to hide her strawberry birth mark by age 8. It took 1.5 hours to put the makeup on herself, so that people wouldn't see it.
By age 12, she started applying this makeup every single day.
2/18
By age 12, she started applying this makeup every single day.
2/18
She talks about how when other people saw her, they never knew she had that strawberry birth mark. And she said the thought of taking this makeup off was terrifying, because she had no idea if people were still going to like her or want to know her.
3/18
3/18
At 34 years old, she finally decided to stop applying the makeup everyday.
This feeling of "will people still like me if I show who I am?" is so relatable and so deep to me. I think it is for many disabled people who can "hide" their disability.
4/18
This feeling of "will people still like me if I show who I am?" is so relatable and so deep to me. I think it is for many disabled people who can "hide" their disability.
4/18
If you can "hide" your disability, you are always taught that you should, no matter how inconvenient it is for you.
As an autistic person, this feeling of "Will people still like me?" and this anxiety about self-worth is so engrained.
5/18
As an autistic person, this feeling of "Will people still like me?" and this anxiety about self-worth is so engrained.
5/18
The way it was expressed in this segment was so clear & so important.
To me, it's hard when it's not something visible (like all of my disabilities, actually, unless I'm showing people my foot),
Because then claiming an identity or showing who you are is seen as a choice.
6/18
To me, it's hard when it's not something visible (like all of my disabilities, actually, unless I'm showing people my foot),
Because then claiming an identity or showing who you are is seen as a choice.
6/18
There's not one moment where people look at me and decide I'm different, unless there's a visible marker - like I'm wearing headphones.
I can't just tell someone "this is who I am" and have them get it. Most of the time even when they think they understand, they don't.
7/18
I can't just tell someone "this is who I am" and have them get it. Most of the time even when they think they understand, they don't.
7/18
But this anxiety of "Will people still like me? Will I still seem worthy to them?" is something that is not talked about enough, and I think it's true for any minority group that has to hide who they are in our majority society.
8/18
8/18
When you're taught so early on that people want you to be something else, it's nearly impossible not to give in to that. Sometimes it's because people want your life to be "easier." Other times it's because they want -their- life to be easier around you.
9/18
9/18
Regardless of the reason, all it brings is shame, lower self-esteem, and anxiety about how you exist in the world in every moment.
The scary thing about being autistic is that you spend years, just like Ani Spooner did, pretending you are someone else.
10/18
The scary thing about being autistic is that you spend years, just like Ani Spooner did, pretending you are someone else.
10/18
When that pretending becomes changing your underlying identity, mannerisms, how you sound, how you move your facial muscles, where you look -
You end up nearly Losing Your Self.
Because everyone around you is implicitly or explicitly asking you to Be a Different Person.
11/18
You end up nearly Losing Your Self.
Because everyone around you is implicitly or explicitly asking you to Be a Different Person.
11/18
This is why, to me, a lot of my other disabilities don't compare to the masking I do as an autistic person.
When other people ignore my hypersomnia or foot pain, they're asking me to be miserable/in pain and pretend like I'm not.
12/18
When other people ignore my hypersomnia or foot pain, they're asking me to be miserable/in pain and pretend like I'm not.
12/18
When other people ignore that I'm autistic, they're asking me to change
nearly every aspect
about Who I Am.
13/18
nearly every aspect
about Who I Am.
13/18
And the worst part is that neurotypical people have no idea that that's what they're even asking for
when I do a presentation and get told to "make more eye contact,"
when I'm told I'm "being argumentative" after stating a fact,
14/18
when I do a presentation and get told to "make more eye contact,"
when I'm told I'm "being argumentative" after stating a fact,
14/18
when I'm being stared in the eyes because I start crying,
when I'm told I'm not paying attention because I look at the floor,
when my intentions are not believed because of my tone of voice and body language,
They're asking me to Be Someone Else For Their Convenience.
15/18
when I'm told I'm not paying attention because I look at the floor,
when my intentions are not believed because of my tone of voice and body language,
They're asking me to Be Someone Else For Their Convenience.
15/18
Having a visible disability that one cannot hide (and some autistic people cannot hide that they are autistic) has a whole host of problems too because of our ableist society.
This is just my side of the coin.
16/18
This is just my side of the coin.
16/18
This is how it's so easy to lose myself because everyday I'm being asked to be someone else.
And everyday I have to decide whether to go against that implicit ask or not.
I have to decide if I'm going to be uncompliant, defiant, assertive, "aggressive" even.
17/18
And everyday I have to decide whether to go against that implicit ask or not.
I have to decide if I'm going to be uncompliant, defiant, assertive, "aggressive" even.
17/18
People have to Choose to see me, and they can decide not to.
They can decide to ignore my intentions, to disbelieve me, to assume my feelings or maliciousness from my directness and honesty.
My goal is to never lose myself like that again.
18/18
They can decide to ignore my intentions, to disbelieve me, to assume my feelings or maliciousness from my directness and honesty.
My goal is to never lose myself like that again.
18/18
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