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Adam Lane Smith

Follow @TheBrometheus

21 Oct, 28 tweets, 8 min read

If you’re interested in the neurology of attachment, this paper is fascinating. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/P…

Based on cursory reading, it’s possible that vasopressin is responsible for bonding while under stress. Oxytocin helps us bond during love and happiness which would not activate under stress. But vasopressin can bond to oxytocin receptors and help us connect when stressed.

Vasopressin is also more prevalent in male mammals, especially social mammals. That may explain why men bond better during shared stressful activity like war while women bond better during emotional vulnerability.

This appears to explain further why men bond best while protecting or providing for) their loved ones. Acting out of love is vasopressin while loving in leisure is oxytocin. We already know men don’t bond through sex via oxytocin like women do, but do bond through stress trials.

This appears to explain the human need for both security and excitement in human pairbonding. It joins the couple through both oxytocin and vasopressin. Refreshing each in their turns can extend the life of the bond.

This appears to explain why after trauma a person may bond almost exclusively through vasopressin even if they struggle to bond at all through oxytocin. Their brain learns to bond only through stress.

This may explain why some women with severe early life trauma struggle to bond to their children, since women bond with their children largely through oxytocin especially at vaginal birth and through breastfeeding.

This passage may explain why some traumatized men who’ve experienced little kindness in life may “soften” to everyone when they have someone they love who can provide them with oxytocin, for example a child or patient partner.

Low oxytocin, decreased lactation? Might explain stressed moms struggling to produce milk.

Your life experiences change your oxytocin and vasopressin reception.

Once again, oxytocin crucial to lactation.

Oxytocin drives positive motherhood perception. Does low oxytocin explain postpartum depression?

Bonding through stress.

Protection and defense of self tied to vasopressin which is higher in males. Males and females respond chemically different to that need to defend.

Ever heard a traumatized veteran say they wish they could go back to the war? This may be why. Their anxiety actually goes down in those environments once they’ve been conditioned to them.

This passage explains PTSD aggression and insomnia in men.

Here’s where men and women differ. After orgasm, women bond to their partner via oxytocin. But men appear to bond through vasopressin which makes them sexually protective of their reproductive partner. She says “We’re so in love” and he says “Nobody touch my stuff.”

Oxytocin not only makes you feel close to certain people but may make you more likely to want to be close to more people. Does a lack of oxytocin produce the opposite desire?

This passage may explain why young people today are not seeking relationships. Their pathways may be blocked so they just don’t seek bonds.

Excessively high doses of oxytocin at birth makes females later prefer strangers. 🤔

This may explain why a person who receives very little love and who finally enters an oxytocin-generating relationship may become hyper-jealous and protective of their mate.

If anyone reading needs a primer on oxytocin.

Here is why women may be more sensitive to PTSD after trauma.

Translation: oxytocin can make you faint or dissociate when stressed in order to protect your life.

This passage suggests that women who are abused or neglected early in life may become afraid of oxytocin-generating relationships because they’ve been conditions to fear emotional closeness and the perception of safety.

Better oxytocin within your group may make you less accepting of outsiders. Does less oxytocin make you more receptive? Does that explain insular family communities versus urbanite acceptance of foreigners?

Apparently the lonelier you are the harder it is to feel connected to new people you meet.

Read the whole paper here: ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/P…

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More from @TheBrometheus

Adam Lane Smith

@TheBrometheus

30 Sep

Men build structures. Women build networks.

When men in a family build safe structures around women, women can build self-correcting networks that heal wounds and keep the family intact and healthy.

Weak men force women to defend the structure instead of nurturing the network.

When I worked as a family therapist, I taught attachment to the women in a family first. They drank it up like a sponge and immediately applied it to start fixing the system. But that work was slowed when the men in the family stayed weak and disengaged. Strong men sped it up.

The more energy the women were able to focus into nurturing their self-correcting networks, the healthier the family became. That required men to step up to build and defend the structures. So the women felt safe and had plentiful resources for their self-correcting networks.

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Adam Lane Smith

@TheBrometheus

28 Sep

Women ask all the time, "Where can I find a good husband?"

Where would you want him to be when he's not with you? Answer: With his family. You won't find him at a bar or social event.

You can't get into his family alone. But you've got a network. Ask them to matchmake for you.

Be clear about expectations. And make sure you ask your healthiest network members to search for you.

They'll have your best interests at heart. They'll know the man and his family in advance. They won't set you up with problems.

This also adds pressure for him to respect you.

If you're searching through strangers, you're looking for the straw in a needle pile: a lot of little pricks out to hurt you.

Don't look at strangers. Ask your trusted network to find a match for you. They'll do the work for you in advance.

Read 5 tweets

Adam Lane Smith

@TheBrometheus

13 Sep

"I don't understand why he broke up with me but married the next girl. What was wrong with me?"

You're not unlovable. You didn't offer what he was looking for. That can happen if he's unhealthy or if you're insecure and don't share who you really are

You might be blocking love.

Most healthy men aren't even really looking for a girlfriend.

They're looking for a wife to build a life with, a woman who will complement the man's life vision and goals by supporting him with kindness, patience, nurturing, and solid principles he can rely on.

If you think you're unlovable, if you're afraid to share who you are, if you think asking for your needs to be met will make him reject you, and if you don't know what he wants because you haven't asked or had a sit-down discussion about expectations,

Healthy men won't know you.

Read 8 tweets

Adam Lane Smith

@TheBrometheus

12 Sep

Women with broken attachment believe there is something wrong with them that makes them permanently unlovable. They believe everyone else can see it but not them, they don’t know what’s wrong. They just feel abandoned and unloved.

What would you do if you could never be loved?

When your attachment is broken and you believe you’re innately unloveable, you use any means necessary to earn approval. It’s living based on fear instead of principles.

And it’s not rational because the logical brain is diminished to fuel chronic anxiety in the emotional brain.

Many women in hookup culture believe they’re going to find a meaningful connection. They don’t realize they’re being used for masturbation.

Read 5 tweets

Adam Lane Smith

@TheBrometheus

11 Aug

If your approach relies on insulting anyone who doesn’t follow your approach

(“If you don’t agree with me you’re X, Y, and Z”)

you’re using manipulation instead of persuasion. That tells me you’re hunting for short-term gains at the expense of my long-term best interests.

It’s usually couched as moralizing: “If you don’t agree with us you’re evil and you enjoy harming people.”

This sets up the speaker as a super special moral authority. The 3 groups I see use this tactic most are social justice groups, vegan groups, and no-spank parenting groups.

Note that this is MOSTLY a feature of groups. Individual vegans who decide on their own don’t typically treat people this way. But vegan gurus with followings (thus forming a group) who need to build a paying fanbase do. It polarizes their audience and makes them seem important.

Read 5 tweets

Adam Lane Smith

@TheBrometheus

31 Jul

In my years as a family therapist, 1 approach worked consistently to get angry and defiant little kids to be loving and obedient:

10-minute sessions EVERY DAY with each child where the parent just asked questions, paid attention, and showed them love.

Stopped so many behaviors.

Some played Go-Fish, some colored pictures, just just sat together. No screens. 10, literally timed on a countdown clock they could both see. Questions and questions with no advice or directions or scolding. Just interviewing with interest as if the parent cared about their child

10 minutes a day with each child turned things around even for families with older kids who were starting to use physical violence against adults to express their anger.

Being treated like they were loved changed their entire behavior pattern. Imagine that.

Read 10 tweets

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