Women learn early and often that being cruel, dismissive, or indifferent toward other women will earn you marginally less mistreatment from men. This is true regardless of whether a culture actively discourages networks of women, and even when it actively encourages them.
Sometimes culture isolates women by assigning value exclusively based on proximity to men. Sometimes it isolates us by limiting the nature of our proximity to men to sex/caretaking, while being mostly indifferent about women’s networks because they have no real access to power.
In either case, a woman who does not prioritize proximity to men over relationships with women is a disnormative threat. Men reward women who disclaim prioritized solidarity by granting them greater access: If you are willing to cut down other women, you can be one of the guys.
This, of course, is a lie. You will never be one of the guys. The guys will reward other women for cruelty toward you too. Maintaining the hierarchy will always be more important than how it impacts you. You are expected to compete with other women for a seat at the men’s table.
Stop doing that.
Sit with whoever you want, but let them be people to whom you do not need to prove your loyalty with cruelty. Let them be people who do not determine your value based on how willing you are to facilitate their power.
Stop caping for men who laugh at you. Stop.
Sit with whoever you want, but let them be people to whom you do not need to prove your loyalty with cruelty. Let them be people who do not determine your value based on how willing you are to facilitate their power.
Stop caping for men who laugh at you. Stop.
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