Thread by @cicerfics

HELP THIS IS TOO MUCH I AM WHEEZING

The first couple months pass, and LWJ is not visibly pregnant, and the Lans are like, "Whew, okay. Dodged THAT one. No embarrassingly 'early' babies this time around!"

And then six months pass, and LWJ is STILL not pregnant.

https://twitter.com/UkypaL/status/1454965143889235975

And the Lans are like, "...Huh. Well, they're still pretty young, so it's for the best that they don't rushing into pregnancy."

And then, finally, it's been a year and a half since the shotgun wedding, and NO BABY, and the Lans are like, "????"

Eventually, some unlucky physician has to investigate and find out what the trouble is. Are they, ahem, having difficulties bringing themselves to completion? Is something causing pain during penetration??

Imagine being that poor physician, tasked with figuring out what's up with the Lack of Babies in this marriage.

Imagine figuring out that the young couple in question STILL haven't managed to work up the nerve to start (blush!) h*nd-h*lding.

They can JUST ABOUT manage ribbon-touching, but they both dissolved into an embarrassing puddle the one time they accidentally brushed pinkies!

They nearly explode when they even THINK about making the jump to k*ssing!

They've been waiting to find a baby in the cabbage patch, because they are lowkey under the impression that's how it works: you get married and sleep (literally sleep) in the same bed, and the universe deposits a baby on your doorstep.

I imagine that poor dude takes a long lunchbreak in Caiyi Town, gets absolutely HAMMERED, and then drags himself back up the mountain. He sits down with the elders and lets out an INCREDIBLY long and exhausted sigh.

And then they gotta draw straws to decide who has to explain to wangxian how to put it in. 🤦‍♀️