Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Here's the thing. While I was in a coma once, @Soundsaboutleft pretended to be a billionaire and went on some wild adventures.

Uh. Not sure besides a rough concept, but let's find out what happened.

#50shadesofgrey #badlifechoicesforreviews

Oh, and to the person who I made the promise long ago I'd live review this movie if it ever came onto a service I have.

How dare you!

I legit have no idea other than a concept of what this nonsense is about.

Wasn't it some Twilight fanfic nonsense?

Ugh.

I made so many bad choices in life.

More proof of that:

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1423088858514608134

Anyway...just a heads up. I may just stop watching this or take a long break to rediscover my will to live, so don't expect much.

Oh, we start on bad music...danny elfman did the music?

what the fuckkfdjsghudfjsklafjsdf

And we see clouds and...

We see some city and then some jabroni in his suits room who puts on shoes and goes jogging.

And now back to Wannabe American Psycho.

Man. American Psycho. I should have reviewed that.

DANNY ELFMAN DID THIS MUSIC FOR PETE'S SAKE!!

We cut between jabronhe and jabronshe.

He's a rich guy. She's a college student??

Either way I don't care.

Anna? Is a wacky college student with a roommate who is sick.

Oh, god the dialogue is horrible.

"i can find my way. I have a gps and a 4.0 gpa."

FUCKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUU

Okay, so she parks in front of this important building in downtown...Seattle?

Yeah. That's the least believable part about this.

So she's there for an interview for billionaire jabronhe.

We quickly realize that Grey only hires attractive women to work for him because he loves sexual harassment lawsuits.

Oh, my god.

So she walks into his office and falls down because QUIRKY GIRL!!!!!!!

HOLY FUCK. THIS DIALOUG.E

"I'm Dipshit Grey."

"Oh. I'm Don Johnson's daughter. It was awkward as fuck when we saw this together."

This book was published. This movie was made.

IT MAKES THE PREQUELS' DIALOGUE SEEM LIKE GOD DAMN SHAKESPEARE.

Okay. So Anna?'s roommate is sick and that means she gets to interview Grey.

She's awkward and quirky!!!

*puts face in hands*

I could be ingesting bad food and shitting myself...that's a better use of my time.

We find out that Anna? is terrible at journalism. As in she doesn't knowfhgisufdjlkgssk

Ugh.

She asks how he got rich.

Uh. Statistically speaking? His parents gave him money and he used it to make more money.

Oh. Dipshit Billionaire pretends that his hard work is why he's rich.

Tell that to the migrant workers who will work harder than you ever will.

Your parents gave you money and your connections gave you the opportunities to become rich.

OH, look.

A line I've heard a billion times. "The harder I work, the luckier I get."

Hurrrr.

How do you describe this dialogue?

Imagine an alien came down to earth. It takes a dozen dictionaries into the mouthes of 12 hicks they abduct.

They then force-feed the hicks ex-lax.

The shit that splashes against the wall to stick random words/letters together is this film.

Okay. The "hard hitting" questions are just the worst.

One of them is asking his sexual orientation. That is wayyy over the line to ask.

Oh, this is them flirting.

See. All these questions are from her sick roommate. Man. Good thing oufihugt

this is painful.

THIS IS HELL!

So here's what's going on. Anna is this "oh, I'm so shy and quirky" college student while billionaire boy is so one dimensional that the Utah Salt Flats are mountainous in comparison.

Billionaire boy asks her to intern there so he can sexually harass her.

She's like "I'm so shy and quirky!!"

Then he steals something from her...I don't care enough to look again.

She goes outside and she she basically has an O face.

WEIRDDDD

Anna goes home and her roommate is perfectly fine.

Oh, she has some minor sniffles, but not the "I'm dying" she was earlier.

She's excited because billionaire boy sent her the answers to her questions.

I guess that's what he took?

Who fucking cares.

Then Anna describes him as clean and...what is wrong with people that they paid to watch this???

She also says he's smart and intimidating.

Yeah. He in no way showed that.

Him asking if you've read ONE OF THE MOST WELL KNOWN WRITERS OF THE 19TH CENTURY IS NOT INTELLIGENCE.

Unless you're, ya know, a one-dimensional character who makes Bella from Twilight seem complex.

Then Anna and her roommate talk about how hot he is. Well, Anna pretends she's not.

Then they talk about the sexual orientation question and it's because he's never seen in public with anyone.

Maybe he just doesn't wajghiueriofdskgfjhsdfk

Then the roommate takes her sandwich and OMG THIS SHOWS HOW ANNA IS SUBMISSIVE TO THE WISHES OF OTHERS.

WHAT BRILLIANT WRITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We cut to bland (Anna) in class and she has a GREY company pencil that she has an oral fixation with.

THIS MOVIE THINKS IT'S CLEVER. YOU ARE NOT CLEVER!

We cut to a "college" parking lot.

Bland's friend, photography guy, comes up to talk about his photo gallery show.

His bag has more dimensions than any character.

We find out bland works at a hardware store and she gets a call from her mom.

See. Her parents can't come to her graduation because her stepdad broke his foot andfdjhugisfdijslkfghdsfkkdsaf

Anna is all upset because boo hoo.

Also. Blanna has to huigsfdjoslkcx, vvhufdsoajilkmvfnjsdfkj

HOLY FUCK.

Billionaire boy is stalking her.

He's at her job.

THIS IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS NOT COOL!

He asks her if she has cable ties.

Fucking Dennis from Always Sunny was more subtle.

Oh. Then he asks for masking tape.

Gee. I wonder if he's into vanilla bondage.

Now he wants rope.

He compliments her on something. I don't know. I don't care.

Billionaire boy is a creepo.

Like...straight up a creep.

She even says he's buying shit like a serial killer.

She's not wrong.

oKAY THIS IS NOT OKAY!!

He jokes about taking all his clothes off with her.

This is not cool.

SHE IS AT WORK. THIS IS NOT COOL TO DO TO ANYONE!!!

Billionaire boy then tells her she can do another interview...or the roommate.

He hands her a business card and holy shit the movie wish it was anywhere near as interesting as the business card scene in American Psycho.

I am legit going to have to watch American Psycho after this to remind myself that good movies can be made.

Oh, my god.

I AM 17 MINUTES INTO THIS??

HOW IS IT NOT DONE YET?

We jasdfjklhaha

Hahahaha...

He's being driven around in some like...lame sports car by a chauffeur.

Holy fuck.

We then cut to Blanna's photo friend taking awkward photos of BB (billionaire boy).

He looks so stiff that he might be in plank's (Bella's) family tree.

I look better getting photos taken and I look like shit.

Blanna and her roommate chat about how he's into her and kfhgiusfdjk

We cut to BB being jealous and asking "Is photo guy into you? What about your coworker?"

These are red flags of an abuser. Someone who is jealous of any guy in your life is not a good person!

They go for coffee and she's like "I find you intimidating."

No...he's creepy and an abuser.

Then he's like "I'm used to getting my way. Because I'm an abusive piece of shit."

Then he demands to know about her life.

He's...weird as fuck about it, too.

THen she's like "I'm a romantic because I study literature."

Yeah. No you don't.

I studied literature as a minor in college and I'm a cynical piece of shit.

Oh, god.

You can 100% see the twilight fanfic aspects of this.

100%.

1) She stares at him a lot
2) He stares at her
3) They're both boring as fuck characters
4) He's an abuser who is a control freak and constantly jealous
5) He "saves" her from being harmed

Then he touches her face and she makes an O face.

He tells her he's not the man for her.

I'm assuming this is just a manipulation tactic.

We cut to her college class and her roommate is like "WE'RE GONNA GO PARTY!!!"

She gets "dressed" up that night.

Before they go there's a package.

The note has a quote from a book and inside are first editions or some shit.

So he tells her he's not for her and then sends her an elaborate gift.

THIS IS LEGITIMATELY ABUSER TACTICS!

HAHAHA. My computer is legit crashing the play app because it doesn't want me to watch this POS.

They go out and we see Blanna and photo guy and her roommate and others andjfdhufsdjkajghuas

She..then takes out a flip phone to call him...uhh

Hold please.

This came out in 2015. Smart phones existed.

And don't give me "Oh, maybe she doesn't have money for a smart phone."

She pisses away money on all kinds of dumb shit like drinking at night.

she has a phone that's not from 2004.

She calls BB and he picks up. Oh, he has a smart phone.

Blanna is like "I'm going to give you those books back because I have copies. LOL. I'm at a bar and drunk."

BB is PISSED she's drunk.

Again. Control freak.

He then tells her to go home.

Dude. You don't know her. You have no reason to tell her what to do.

This is not cool.

He demands she tell him where she is.

What the fuck???

She hangs up and he calls back and yells "I'm coming to get you. Stay there."

Again. RED FUCKING FLAGS OUT THE ASSHOLE!

Blanna goes outside and her photoguy friend comes out to creep on her.

Ugh.

He demands a kiss and BB pushes him away.

See. He wants to be the only abuser in her life.

She vomits on him and then he hands her a napkin or some shit.

He tells Blanna that she's coming with him.

And that he's sent his brother to keep her friend busy.

What the fuck is going on here?

We're watching this abusive guy manipulate and dominate someone.

This is not cool.

WE SHOULD NOT NORMALIZE THIS SHIT AS BEING ROMANTIC!

Blanna passes out and wakes up in a hotel room...changed.

That means he changed her while she was blacked out.

She sees on the nightstand pills and a drink with notes telling her to take them and drink the liquid.

what the fuckkkkk

You have NO way to know what's in those.

You just woke up in the bed of a stranger in completely different clothes with pills and a disfnduhraoisjfdklj

DON'T DO THIS.

BB comes in all sweaty and asks how she is.

She's like "Better than I deserve."

Holy shit.

She needs some therapy to help with her self esteem issues.

BB is perfectly fine with taking advantage of her.

She points out he undressed her and he's like "I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE."

Yeah, ya did.

You could have let her stayed in dirty clothes. At least then she wouldn't feel uncomfortablerg

THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL!

We also find out he slept in the bed with her.

She seems pissed, but he says they did nothing.

fkgdjhisirfdsklajkljsdlfkjlakfjdg

He also says he bought her new clothes to wear.

Again. Manipulation tactics.

Then he yells at her for getting drunk.

And she just goes "I kno

HOLY FUCK WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MOVIE?

He takes off his shirt and says "If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week."

That means he sees her only as an object to control.

Oh, then he says he can never lever her alone.

She's fine with this because sohisgufjaldkskdsjfa
sdfjaklsdjfklsjgflkasdjfkl;a

Please...PLEASE stop making movies like this where the younger person falls for an abuser and pretend like it's romantic.

It's not.

He then brings up the fact he's into kinky stuff.

She's like "LOL. Show me what you're into."

He then goes to shower because, again, this is about control.

She asked for something and he refuses to let her have anything she wants.

Then she comes out in new clothes and he approves of her.

Then tells her she's going out with him tonight.

Then he says he likes to bite lips.

Again. WHAT THE FUCK?

He then tells her that he wants her written consent before they do anything.

I have NEVER seen so many red flags in my life.

THey go into the elevator and he says "fuck the paper work" and they start to bang.

In a public elevator.

Luckily, they're interrupted by people who we can't hear saying anything besides harrumph.

They go back to Blanna's place where her roommate and BB's brother are still banging...20 hours later.

At least their sex isn't a pile of abuse and red flags.

BB seems PISSED that his brother had consensual sex with someone.

The roommate is like "you must have done something with that piece of shit. HOW ROMANTIC."

We cut to Blanna at work all distracted and excited that she has no choice in what she's doing that night.

She goes outside and is immediately grabbed to get into a car to take her to Grey's place.

Where he takes her on a helicopter ride.

"He's rich, so it's okay he's a monster" must be running inside her head on a loop.

He then buckles her in because he sees her as something to be controlled.

Like...there's some underlying implications I won't even get into because ewwww.

They take it from Portland to Seattle and she's like "LOL. How romantic!!!"

Some of the worst music ever plays and I legitimately wonder if I can choke myself unto unconsciousness and get out of reviewing this.

They go into his place and he asks if she wants a drink.

So he's fine with her drinking if she's with him and he's the one controlling what she drinks.

Got it.

She's all like "LOL. What a nice apartment. Do you play this piano?"

She's impressed that a billionaire with infinite alone time and privilege learned to play the piano.

Blanna is then presented with legal documents she has to sign.

That's...that's not a good sign.

Oh...she signs without reading it.

Then she asks "Will you make love with me now?"

He's like "LOL. I only making fuck. and I'm an abuser..."

He then takes her into his fuck chamber.

He calls it a play room.

Oh...he prefaces it by saying "You can leave at any time. I won't ask for your safe word though because I'm a POS."

Look. I'm all for consenting adults being into whatever gets them off.

However. He's a manipulator and an abuser who has spent days forcing his will upon this person who has obvious self-esteem issues.

Inside of his play room is just the most bland shit you can pick up at a sex shop.

He has her look at it and then demands she tells him how he feels.

She asks if he's into being the spankee, but he's like "LOL. No. I beat the hell out of you."

Then he's like "You must submit to me to please me. I'm not into you getting any pleasure. Most relationships like this are about give and take. Both into it for mutual pleasure. Fuck that. You get nothing."

And she's just into it.

Like he immediately grabs onto her and moves her around.

Then shows her a room for her to stay in for the days he controls her.

Oh...and he refuses to stay in the same room as her.

Then he gaslights the FUCK out of her.

She's obviously into him and he's like "LOL. Do this or get the fuck out of my life."

She then tells him she's never been with anyone.

He's pissed. Like...REALLY pissed she's inexperienced.

Then...then oh god.

Then he gets off to it.

He's even more excited by rgshiugfdjkladfsl

Then he bites her lip ..

Then we start to see him undress her as a song plays that sounds like a group of badgers were forced at gunpoint to write a romance song.

Then we see boobs.

He then kisses her into bad editing.

And there's the dude's butt.

This part seems to be consensual and mutual in nature...which is there to lull you before he hurts her for ONLY HIS PLEASURE

Hahaha...man. I've never seen a more bland sex scene this decade.

The angles and shots are the kind you'd see in an amateur video.

She wakes up and he's gone because, again, it's about control for him.

She goes downstairs and he's playing piano.

This is a poor attempt to make him seem complex or sophisticated, but he's not.

He's just a POS.

Then they bang on the piano stool, which just seems way prone t...and he lifts her up.

I'll give this POS this...he's wrong.

The next morning...HE'S IN THE BED WITH HER.

OMG. HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT.

THAT MUST MEAN IT'S ROMANTIC LOVE LKAJGFDHSJJFJLK

She goes downstairs to make breakfast.

Glad to see you riffled through all his shit so you could find all the stuff to make it with.

He comes down silent as a ghoul and watches her without her knowing because he gets off on this shit.

As she's eating...he takes her god damn cup out of her hand.

Like...just takes it away and tells her to go get cleaned.

Doesn't ask her. Tells her.

Again. This is 100% about him controlling her even though she's not really into it.

They then have a very bland bath time ...time.

Man. I would hate to be their parents going to the premiere.

Just awkward as hell.

"There's my son's ass. There's my daughter's boobs."

Then he asks her if she trusts him.

She nods and then he goes to get a blindfold.

Oh, shit. They're doing the bird box challenge!

I kid. It's to tie her wrists so he can throw her on the bed and then...demands she tell him she understands.

Then he gets pissed when she doesn't stay perfectly still.

Then he demands she say yes to "being his."

Then...BB's mommy shows up.

Not kidding.

DON'T YOU HAVE FUCKING LOCKS?

He tells Blanna to get dressed.

We then see BB's mommy and 100% are shown that BB was adopted into privilege.

He 100% didn't earn his money the hard way.

He was definitely given money and got more from that.

I am only 50 minutes into this pile of garbage.

Blanna comes running out like "LOL. I'm BB's object he abuses."

Mommy is like "She's pretty."

Haha. Man. We can see he's totally the sub in his relationship with his mother.

THis is why he overdoes it with this manipulation shit.

He's got mommy issues.

Then...he tells his mommy to leave as Blanna gets a call.

Who the fuck knows you're there?

Oh...sorry. That 8 pound phone isn't a house phone. It's her improbable cell phone.

Blanna asks how many women have stayed there.

He says 15.

Hmm...Not to brag, but...

*smirks*

BB has rookie numbers.

Then he's like "My abuser room is for pleasure. Totally yours, too...but not really."

oh, god.

So she asks if they'll go to movies, dinner, etc.

He says no. She's only there for him to hurt.

WOW.

He's just the worst.

This is not a consenting BDSM relationship.

This is an abuser who is manipulating an obviously vulnerable person.

Like he keeps setting up nice things (dating, gentle sex, etc.) so he can slowly ramp up the abuse.

Like...klfdgjskl

She asks to go home.

He's all pissy. Like...he said before he wouldn't be mad, but he's a total piece of shit to her.

And this movie keeps reinforcing that his money makes it okay he's a monster.

Like constantly.

He then drives her back to...wait.

WTF?

So she passes out and he stops in the middle of nowhere.

He told her he'd take her home. That's where she wants to go.

Instead, he takes her into the middle of the woods.

YIKES.

He makes her go on a hike with him.

Then we find out he was sexually abused by one of his mother's friends.

Like he was the submissive and he's doing this to gain back power.

We find out he still talks to his abuser. They're friends and holy shit.

THIS WHOLE THING IS WRONGGGG.

He then justifies his abuse by saying "LOL. It made me feel safe giving up my freedom of control."

Then he gaslights the fuck out of her.

htoisa

I CAN'T. I JUST CAN'T ANYMORE WITH THIS MOVIE.

This thing had sequels.

He FINALLY takes her home and gives her a contract to sign.

This was after spending all day gaslighting her.

He keeps using tactics you'll read online for signs of abuse.

When she gets inside, there's an IT guy in her place who has a new computer for her.

So he's controlling even what computer she has.

WOW.

She gets on the computer and it already has software installed for him to message her.

She had NO consent on that.

He already has a message waiting for her.

We then get a voice over of the contract.

It tries to pretend it's there to help her explore herself.

Yeah...it's there to keep BB from being arrested.

Oh. One of the things is she has ZERO say in what he does unless she puts it in the contract.

So if she doesn't literally know EVERYTHING he'll do to her beforehand...she can't stop him from doing it.

That's...that's not how those relationships work!

Then we get all kinds of things where he will dictate what doctor she goes to, where she buys things from, etc.

Total control over EVERY aspect of her life. Not just the consensual stuff in bed.

I...I can't. I'm about done with reviewing this.

Fuck it.

I'm done.

I can't watch a movie that's normalizing rape (he was 15 and could no consent to his mom's friend) and abuse.

Fuck this movie and fuck everyone involved with it.