Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Back in the day, @Soundsaboutleft and I went out into the woods to a camp...can't remember it's name.

Anyway, in the woods we met a nice man who wore a hockey mask despite there being no ice.

He showed us all kinds of fun things to do like stomp the camper and gut the teen.

The 2009 remake of Friday the 13th is like pretty much any horror remake done in the last 20 years...m'eh.

Still, we're going to watch this because I'm in a masochist mood tonight.

It stars Sam from Supernatural and...uh...the lawyer from Silicon Valley.

Let's dive into this turd campfire.

It starts with music uh...that really isn't the classic theme other than a tiny tease of ki ki ki ma ma ma.

That sums this POS up.

OHH GOD.

I forgot Michael Bay was behind this.

This music was written to sound like the Friday the 13th theme if someone explained it to you by using a series of hand gestures and gouging your eyes out.

It starts out on June 13th, 1980.

At camp crystal lake.

THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE PLACE.

There is a girl crying and running through the woods.

Oof. She must have stubbed her toe.

She has "counselor" on her shirt, so I think she bought that at Urban Outfitters.

She's being confronted by Mrs Vorhees...this is the end of the first movie so...uh...THAT'S THE REMAKE.

Because the first friday was solely about Mrs Vorhees with a dream jaso...fuck it.

Mrs Vorhees has butchered unknown people because she's crazy and her son (Jake? Greg? Sam? Phil? Oh!! Jason!!).

He drowned 30 years ago and Mrs Vorhees takes out her anger on people in real life because the internet hasn't been invented yet.

The counselor woman we have no name for kills the woman we have no name for (it's Mrs Vorhees) with a machete.

Then Jason appears to pick up his mom's head AND THIS IS SOMEHOW STUPIDER THAN THE ORIGINAL JASON PLOTLINE

Jason, apparently, went into a walmart and got lost and his mom just assumed he drowned and butchered a bunch of teens or something.

BECAUSE HE'S FUCKING ALIVE! And still a kid. So it hasn't been 30 years and fuckkkkkkk this movie is dumb.

We get a voiceover of mommy going "Those teens did stuff to you...uh...not sure what since you're alive. And they killed me...because I was killing them. I'm..I'm a moron, but you're too stupid to know otherwise."

This movie literally couldn't even make it a minute before it made ZERO sense by its own logic.

Now it's today...well...today back then.

We see a group of disposable teens walking along a sand road in the woods in Texas.

The teens are obnoxious and annoying and...yeah. I've definitely been on trails with people like this.

Whitney is one of the characters we'll have to learn the name of.

In fact she's the ONLY teen in this group we need to worry about.

The others are called "Dead"

The teens are arguing over GPS because they're looking for *inhales* plant.

Well, 2 of them. They are there to steal dat weed.

You know what's a great idea to do?

Hike into the middle of nowhere to steal an illegal crop.

If Jason doesn't get these idiots, the cartel certainly will.

One of the dead fucks finds some run down camp.

He tells them about it as they drink shitty beer, but they're 2009 hipsters so it was cool to drink that nonsense.

They did it ironically.

Then we...hear one of the dead teens tell us the story about Mrs Vorhees getting beheaded.

We already saw this.

WE SAW THIS AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS FUCKING MOVIE.

SO we have the recreation at the beginning only to have this teen tell us the same story.

Are...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Did the people making this sustain brain injuries and forget?

The other teens are like 'That's a different crystal lake. there are tons of them.'

Actually, there are. We have one here in the LA area.

Then...then...then one of the teens talks about drinking one of the girl's pee.

I'm...like he's telling her it's going to happen no matter what.

FUCKING KILL THESE PEOPLE ALREADY, JASON!!!!

Two of the teens go off to get off while the others remain at the campfire and they...talk about eating each other's corpses.

The two teens who went off (Whitney and Dead boyfriend) go to a rickety bridge and stand on it because they like lockjaw.

We find out Whitney's mom is sick and she's out here banging to take her mind off it.

The boyfriend doesn't care...he wants to bang her.

By...going to an abandoned camp.

Do these people not know about tetanus?

One of the dead teens flirts with his girlfriend while a dead nerd talks about "LOL...I know how to find the illegal product that if we take we'll be butchered!!"

And we get the first boobs of the movie.

The dead nerd continues to talk as the teens flirt. Including the girl flashing behind him.

Look, you do you, but I'm glad you're all going to be slashered.

Sister Christian plays as dead nerd uses a glow stick and the gps to find the product.

The dead nerd sings about as well as my asshole does after Taco Bell.

As he stops to piss, he finds the dankest of the dank!

And his early fucking grave.

The dead nerd gets off "OMG...I found this product and I'm going to take it all even though I don't know how to process it properly and I'm certainly going to get hunt..."

And Jason with a burlap sack appears and HAHAH.

Okay, new Jason is a hoot.

He ganks the dead nerd.

Whitney and dead boyfriend go into the camp that looks like it's been closed for...at least a week.

Maybe 2.

I kid. It's rotted like my will to live.

They go into an abandoned, rotted house going "I can't wait to get an infection that'll shut down my kidneys/liver and then my whole body."

Oh, shit. I used to have that tv!

It's a bit busted, but looks...FUCK YOU FOR CALLING THAT TV OLD!

Whitney finds a bunch of couselor whistles and her dead boyfriend finds a locket (inside a jewelry) box with a woman's photo in it.

He's like "LOL. It looks like you Whitney. That won't play a part in this shitty movie."

Man. If this house existed in LA? 1.2 million...easy.

This is the Vorhees house.

In fact they're in Jason's room.

so...are they at the camp or some...ah who cares.

We cut to 2 dead teens boinking and they hear a noise.

She wants him to go investigate it because this is a terrible movie.

They think it's their dead nerd friend watching them, but then they just continue with him not satisfying her.

But they hear the noise again and the guy goes out because he's never watched a single horror movie.

Well, I should say they talk about boners before he goes out...but you're glad I told you that.

JUST KILL THEM ALREADY!

Inside the tent the dead teen girl (who is probably 45 in real life) decides to go out because she has a death wish.

Funny. I have the same, but for them.

These movies suck because the teens are all unbearable to listen to.

The reason the original films work is because we like them.

Like Tommy Jarvis is great!

Shelley from part 3 was sympathetic.

And freaking Crispin Glover had the moves!

Silicon Valley (and the main guy from Superstore now that I think about it) goes out and finds 1) The devil's cabbage and 2) His dead friend dead nerd.

This guy:

We cut to Jason going thru the tent as Jonah from Superstore hears her screams and comes to rescue her.

We see her in a sleeping bag being cooked over a fire...haha...awesome!

Jonah runs in and gets caught in a beartrap.

AHHAA.. Okay. This Jason is pretty cool.

Jonah has to watch his girlfriend get turned into extra crispy and get carted off to be catering for a horror convention.

We cut back to the Vorhees house and Whitney and her boyfriend continue to just...wandering through the place.

They aren't even filing it for a youtube "exploration" channel.

They go into a bathroom and find a shrine with candles and a woman's head.

Man. I wish this was being live streamed.

"Hey, youtube, it's your boy dead teen and I'm here in some rotten house and found a dead woman's head being used in a shrine."

They then see a shadow and the guy leans down and almost gets a machete to the face.

How did Jason get there so fast?

Oh, and Jason grabs dead boyfriend and gets him good on his leg, hands, etc.

All coming from UNDERNEATH THE FLOOR!

Jason is into weird shit.

The sack-wearing Jason (who was inspired by the look of The Town That Dreaded Sundown), pulls dead boyfriend under the ground and kills him.

So Jason ruined part of his shitty house he lives in to do that...you're just the worst house sitter, Jason.

Whitney runs away back to where...okay she's so far that Jason couldn't have gone that fast.

Ugh.

More realistic my ass.

Whitney comes back to the group and Jonah is screaming for her to save him from the beartrap.

She goes to attend the flambeed girl.

He's like "Uh, she's fucking dead. SAVE ME!"

Jonah is like "I'll get you free products from my store if you rescue me!"

Whitney comes over and...did you know bear traps hurt?

Jonah then sees Jason coming up and Jason MACHETES THROUGH HIS FUCKING SKULL FROM TOP DOWN HOLY CRAP THAT'S AWESOME!!!

Whitney tries to get away when Jason RUNNS AT HER ASS. He lifts the machete and...cut to "6 weeks later."

Man. Jason is legit in this...all the teens suck all the shit ever and that's why this movie isn't great.

Little tip for anyone writing horror films. We have to like someone (preferably all of those butchered) so we want them to survive instead of me going "FUCKING KILL THEM!"

We see a black SUV pull into a gas station.

Actually, they go to the store beside the gas station so they can...get snacks.

So we have a WHOLE NEW BATCH OF TEENS to learn about.

Cool. You pissed away 20 minutes on a group of people who are dead. Way to go.

You're Death Proofing this (and one of the reasons I'm not a fan of that movie)

Oh, my god. I need a guide on these disposable teen names.

Uh. We got Trent (an asshole), Chewie (an annoying asshole), Jenna (asshole Trent's girlfriend), Chelsea (boob fodder), Bree (cheese boob fodder), and Lawrence (slightly less annoying asshole)

Oh...and Nolan? Some other asshole.

Trent asks Nolan to pump the gas and Nolan wants to blow him as payment?

I don't know. Teens.

OH, my god this is fucking stupid.

Okay, so Nolan then takes gas canisters out of his SUV and walks a couple hundred feet BACK to the pumps.

Why not just pull up there?

This...THIS DOESN'T MAKE FUCKING SENSE!!

ARAIOFGHsureowadjskhearfkdsjkldgjf

THIS MOVIE SUCKS!

Inside the store we see Sam and no Dean.

Dean was too busy making a shitty movie of his own (My Bloody Valentine 3D).

It's hilarious they both got leads in remakes of classic slasher films and both movies sucked.

Man, this was back when I watched that show.

Those first 5 seasons were great and then it went downhill.

Oof...those last few seasons SUCKKKEEEEDDDDD

Sammy is looking for his sister (Whitney) who went missing 6 weeks ago.

He's in the gas station with "Have you seen this girl" posters.

And he doesn't even have salt or the colt!

Chewie, we find out, is into snack foods and thinks he's going to get laid.

until he's called out and pretends the condoms are for something else.

Even the cashier in this movie is fucking obnoxious.

Trent assholes his way to Sam to complain he's taking too long.

Trent is getting water and gas...gas they put into canisters instead of into the lkjafsdjgehsuidjk

THIS MOVIE IS STUPID BEYOND BELIEF!

Trent and Sammy cockfight and that causes...Jenna? I don't know.

These fucking teens.

She shows sympathy.

We cut to everyone getting crammed back into the SUV and a missing whitney poster was put on back by Sammy.

They..uhh...didn't notice him being right there.

So they're on their way to Crystal Lake.

This brings up a question I always ask. Why does anyone go up to Crystal Lake if there's just a train of bodies ALL..

Wait. No. Covid has proven to me that people will go running there if told they'll die.

Sammy is driving his little motorcycle when he's pulled over by the 5-0.

Small town, Texan cops?

You're going to get a metal rod up the cornhole.

Officer Fuckwhistle is mad that Sammy is back looking for his sister.

Wow. So terrible he wants to look for his sister.

What a monster.

Eat shit, Officer Fuckwhistle.

He's trying to cover it up like he's the mayor from Jaws.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1422750071636914178

We find out that Sammy's mom got got by the Big C and missed that Whitney wasn't there to watch her die.

Oh...and Whitney never showed back up even though she was watching her mom.

Officer Fuckwhistle keeps screaming "THERE IS NO JASON VORHEES MURDERING TEENS!"

We cut to Trent and company arriving at his summer home at a lake...that has people being constantly murdered.

Trent sees the flyer and rips it off.

AND THEY HAVE NO CELL PHONE SIGNAL@#@$!#T%#@RWTEGIJEFDSHJJKSK

No, seriously.

How do people keep coming back to this place considering Jason murders EVERYONE who is within a quarter mile of the lake.

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

There's a lot of "bruh" "bruh" "bruh" "bruh" talk and

then Chewie pulls out his penis pu...oh...sorry. That's a bong.

Sammy pulls up to some house that looks like it's doing the world's largest yard sale.

Always a good idea to walk into a house in rural Texas without being invited, Sammy.

THIS IS HOW YOU DIE.

Well, he's about to go in when a dog barks.

Up comes Texas Chainsaw Massacre Woman who doesn't give a fuckkkkk that Whitney is missing.

"She's dead. I know because Jason butchers people and Leatherface eats them."

So the locals know Jason is butchering people, but Trent's family has a god damn family lake house that's been there for a generation?

MAKE SENSE, MOVIE!

We cut back to Trent and fuckbags drinking awful beer and being bruhhssss.

Trent's mad they're drinking in his house and getting it everywhere.

Jenna?? wants to go hiking, but Trent doesn't trust his friends to not wreck the house.

Maybe not bring them up to your family lakehouse, idiot.

Sammy goes to another house that looks like the owner would slit his throat and put him in chili.

There's a woodchipper going on and we see bits of Steve Buscemi coming out of it....HAHAH FARGO REFERENCE!

Oh, shit. It's Lil Kev from Always sunny.

He's uh...his rap career obvious didn't work out.

Lil Kev is mad that Sammy trespasses into his boss' crappy barn while he's working.

Also, we find out exposition about kerosene being stolen...AS IF THIS IDIOT WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT JASON?

Lil Kev wants to know if he wants to buy some uh...ya know.

See, he also found the growing stash.

We cut back to Jenna dealing with Trent's nonsense andfkdjghursefdikfg

I want them all to die.

Nolan and one of the boob fodders want to go check out the lake.

Trent tells them they can go fill up the boat.

"but don't drive it. I bet you won't do that lol"

Nolan drives the car like it's a rental he got extra insurance on as he tells fodder he's gonna drive the boat.

We cut to Sammy knocking on Trent's family's door.

Jenna opens up and she's like "OMG. SAMMY, YOU'RE HOT!! COME ON INSIDE THIS HOUSE AND, MAYBE, ME!"

Sammy goes inside and meets the dead fodder.

Trent is annoyed because he's that whole beta alpha lame dbag type.

Trent starts flinging his poop and Sam is too cool to notice it.

Trent then threatens him and Sammy pulls out a demon killing knife.

Jenna is then like "I'm going to go hand out flyers with this total stranger."

Jenna. No offense, but going off with a total stranger to hand out flyers because he's looking for his missing sister is the kind of shit Ted Bundy would pull off.

We cut to Lil Kev coming back to the barn with more ditch weed.

Ominous music plays. Not good music because the people who made this refused to use Manfredini's amazing score.

because they SUCK

Lil Kev is committing one of the ultimate sins in a horror movie and smoking Satan's Salad.

He then...uh...licks an adult magazine and now I'm dry heaving.

He hears a noise upstairs and goes to check it out.

Again. Lil Kev is a local. He would know the stories about Jason.

Ugh....so stupid.

Up in the attic there's a bunch of old stuff. HOLY CRAP you could totally sell that thing there for a ton of cash on ebay.

Oh, and Lil Kev is somehow scared of a mannequin thatsaklfjdgjklajf

Wouldn't he have come up here before?????

Oh, god...he definitely would have because, and I'm not kidding, he fucks that mannequin.

No. Seriously. He admits to this.

Luckily for us, Jason is behind him.

Man. If Jason had waited another minute, he'd have walked upstairs to Lil Kev fucking a mannequin. What would he have done?

He's used to killing teens having sex with each other. Not a guy fornicating with a store mannequin.

Fuck you movie makers for not giving us this!

You had the rare opportunity to give us something unique and you didn't do that.

I want to see Jason walk up...see Lil Kev banging a mannequin and he just peaces out of there.

Maybe we hear him dry heave.

Ya know...make this a real good movie!

My god, how much is left in this???

*checks*

FUckfsagljdhdfosiklscx,

Oh, and while Jason is butchering Lil Kev, his sack mask from the Town that Dreaded Sundown is ripped off.

Exposing a uh...only the face a mother could love.

He ends Lil Kev and checks his torn sack...HAHAH LIKE HIS BALLS

He then moves a piece of cloth and THERE'S THE FAMOUS HOCKEY MASK.

LCUKY FUR HUE!!

Fuck this garbage movie.

In the original series, the hockey mask from from Shelly. He brought it up with him to scare people with.

Just so stupid.

Do the people who make these movies even care or do they...ah who cares.

We cut back to Nolan and boob fodder going to the boat.

I hate the fact I picked up his name.

We cut back to Jenna being taken to a kill spot by Sammy.

He's lying to hear and telling her bullshit to lull her into following him to said kill spot.

He claims that he's there because they got into a fight and he feels guilty.

Oh, and they find the GPS from the beginning of the movie.

Shouldn't that be beside the weed?

Ah, who fucking cares.

Wait. Shouldn't Lil Kev had seen something at the ...

I've literally put more thought into this movie than anyone involved in it did.

We cut back to Nolan in the boat and he's pulling boob fodder behind as she skis...topless.

Right.

I'm all for gratuitous, but come on!

This had to be someone's kink.

We cut back to Lawrence and Chewie playing beer pong with Trent and other boob fodder.

Trent is supposed to drink beer from Chewie's shoe, but Trent is a coward and refuses.

Chewie does it instead because he loves negative attention.

We cut back to someone's fetish of a topless girl skiing when she wipes out.

As Nolan swings around to get Chelsea (I had to look her up after I looked up Lawrence/Chewie), he gets an arrow to the forehead.

I'm impressed by Jason. He's probably 300-400 yards from shore and Jason not only nails him while he's moving in a boat going 20mph, it's still got enough force to go through his head.

Jason is a freaking beast.

The boat, somehow, gains sentience and moves to strike Chelsea with it...

Oh, and Chelsea just teleported to be beside the shore.

That's impressive.

She keeps teleporting around the lake when she sees Jason.

Jason whips it out...it being a machete.

Chelsea goes to swim away.

That's when we see Sam and Jenna stumble across the camp.

Okay. We see Chelsea at the dock and this brings up SOOOO MANY QUESTIONS.

We see the lake and this part of it seems to be the size of a dog's tail.

Also, is this Trent's private dock? If so...why isn't it near the house THAT'S ON THE GOD DAMN LAKE ALREADY?

Why would you have a dock that requires you to drive to it that isn't a public dock people use when your house is right on the water and it's obvious there's a spot there for the dock AT THE HOUSE???!!!!!

DID THEY NOT EVEN TRY TO MAKE THE GEOGRAPHY/LOCATION STUFF MAKE ANY SENSE???

Like...why remake this movie if you're not even go..

oh...money. Right.

Chelsea swims to the dock and Jason teleports there.

Depending on the layout of the lake, why wouldn't she just swimfgksjfdilkagfdjsksja
j

THIS MOVIE IS STUPID!

So Jason stabs the machete into the top of Chelsea's head and pulls her up out of the water to show her boobs.

Again...someone's fetish me thinks.

We cut back to Sammy and Jenna who have been looking through all of Camp Crystal. So much so that it's dark.

Jenna. YOU'RE IN A RUN DOWN CAMP WITH A GUY YOU DON'T KNOW AND HE SHFIUGOADJJ

YOU CAN'T BE THIS STUPID!!!

Ladies...gentlemen. If someone attractive asked you to go looking for their missing sister and you ended up at an abandoned camp to the point you're there at night.

Would you just be cool with it?

Is the power of sex that strong that you forget all survival skills?

THey look around and Jenna's leg breaks through the wood and she now has 9823 different types of infections.

They leave that shitty place and Sammy's flashlight needs new batteries.

They hear a noise and hide from Jason. He's got some new friends!

Jenna is freaking out because a stranger is nearby.

No, not the stranger beside her named Sammy (who she doesn't know)...the unseen stranger.

They hide underneath some kayaks and Jason drops off a body and then notices Sammy's pack.

Sammy is a moron and left it out there because the script needed him to be an idiot.

Jason sees it and goes to turn on the floodlights he installed at the camp.

Jason is VERY handy.

How much is left??

47 minutes?

Okay, I'm going to have to take a whiskey break.

I'll be back in a few.

Jason uses his supernatural (heh) strength to throw canoes around like they’re nothing. He finds nothing, so he just takes his corpse and the bag home with him.

Jenna wants to leave, but Sammy wants to follow. She convinces this psycho to run away. Oh. They set off alarm chimes and we find out Whitney is alive. Who cares?

Sammy keeps pulling on the trip wire because he is an idiot. They then run away more. I bet Jason will be able to teleport to the house they had to drive and hike all day from.

Crystal Lake is somehow a tiny lake easily traversed and massive if needing the humans to travel it. That’s to say the script sucks ass.

Whitney is chained up and Jason brings her a new friend. They’re the silent kind.

Oh. And he drops off Sammy’s bag and she’s like “that’s my brother lol.” And sees the missing photos and a walkie talkie??

She uses a piece from the broken gps in order to try and undo her chains.

Jason appears to give her a hug, look at the locket and compare to Whitney so we know he thinks she’s his mom??

She calls him Jason and he storms off. Dude seriously needs a nurturing relationship.

We cut back to the Trent party and Bree?? is dancing while drinking. This is someone’s kink who made this me thinks. Because they just keep showing it.

Chewie and Lawrence are being creepy in the corner gawking at her.

Oh. And they get high so Jason will want to kill them.

Chewie tries to be self aware, but this script isn’t clever enough.

Bree then flirts with Chewie. He geeks out and breaks one of Trent’s daddy’s chairs and Chewie has to go to the garage to get wood glue.

Chewie goes outside and tries to be funny as he talks to himself. It’s like me when I’m drinking. Just a string of unfunny bullshit.

Chewie looks at stuff and drops items. Blah blah. Just die already.

Meanwhile Bree and Trent go at it. Trent is dating Jenna, but she left him to go die when she left to go help a stranger “find his sister.”

Jenna would have died from Sammy by the next day even if Jason wasn’t around.

And we get 2 things. Boobs and Trent saying the least sexy shit ever like about how she has great nipple placement. Eww.

We see Lawrence in the house looking thru magazines to find something to jerk it to IN THE LIVING ROOM!!

Luckily for us, Jenna and Sammy barge in to tell Lawrence about the body.

Hahahaha. Sammy calls the police. He tells them he’s at a house by Crystal lake and that is all they needed. So Crystal Lake is now Trent’s family’s personal lake???

Doesn’t make sense!!!

Jenna finds out Trent is banging Bree. Oh. And we find out Trent is a minuteman.

Jenna tries to get him to come out but he’s busy coming in.

An hour has passed and Chewie is still in the garage being annoying. He finds a hockey stick and, then, finds Jason. Hahahshrnjhdbdb

I have not seen this movie since I saw it in theaters.

And it’s soooo bad.

Oh. And Chewie sees Jason and is like “LOL. You scared me.”

Everyone here is fine with total strangers in their houses.

Jason ice picks Chewie and it’s fairly brutal.

Jason is the only remotely okay part about this. Still falling asleep.

Trent is on round 8484 of boinking when Bree finishes.

That’s when Jason turns off the lights.

Trent is mad about that and Sammy being there.

He wants them to leave and they start to fight. Lawrence gets a…stir fry pan???

Lawrence goes to get Chewie. By himself. Man. Everyone is stupid.

Lawrence looks around the garage. Terrified that he’ll find something horrible like Chewie pounding off.

He sees blood on a freezer and opens it up. It’s filled with slaughters animals.

Oh. And dead Chewie is just…hanging out.

Then Jason appears to go “Get the pun? I hung him upside down!!”

Lawrence and Jason get into a slap fight and Lawrence gets a boo boo.

Lawrence runs, but a convenient axe is there and Jason has perfect spinal cord aim.

Jason let’s Lawrence scream so he can bait the friends. Jason is a master baiter.

Lawrence continues to scream for help, but Sammy tells them

Jason realizes no one will@come, so he ganks Lawrence and then teleports to the roof of a 2 story house.

Trent goes to find a pew pew. Bree comes up to find him when she sees the window@open. These people are all idiots.

Bree then goes to the shower curtain to open it because she’s never seen a horror movie. Jason was somehow behind her and crushes her hopes and dreams like it’s 2021

We see Officer Fuckwhistle pull up. He’s a local who doesn’t know the tales all the locals know except when they conveniently don’t.

He knocks and announces himself.

They’re about to open up when Jason jumps down and fights the law with a machete.

Trent gets scared and unloads several pew pew pellets into corpse of Bree because *snores*

They go outside and check the cop. He’s got no pew pew or keys because Jason took them.

Jason throws a body down onto the car and Trent gives the best scream. It’s like someone getting their testicles lit on fire.

They scatter with Trent going off on his own where he drops the pew pew in the stream. Way to go, champ.

This running seen is so exciting I mdnndnxnxnxn

*snores*

Trent runs out into traffic and the tow truck stops. He goes to ask for a ride slowly. Like. Wayyy too slow. As if Jason is driving. No. Jason is behind you and kills you because you’re an idiot.

Thst poor tow driver. He sees Trent get got in the mirror and then Jason throws him and impales him onto his truck. The dude has got to clean douchebag off his truck when he sees it when he gets home.

Meanwhile Sam and Jenna go back to the camp they know Jason hangs out at because they’re idiots.

Whitney hears them and yells. Sammy hears it and they go to find the screamer. You know earlier you said Jason baits his victims. Why wouldn’t they think this was another trick??? Oh. Because script.

They go under the floor into a series of tunnels.

I’m guessing they’re implying Jason’s teleporting is due to underground tunnels, but I say he teleports because he travels like he has a rocket up his asshole.

Sammy finds Whitney and they embrace. Sammy goes “You missed mom’s funeral you big meanie.”

I kid. He just helps her out of her chains.

Poor Whitney has spent 6 weeks being fed who knows what by Jason. No showering. No fresh clothes. Ick.

They make their way down the tunnels as Jason approaches.

Jason is mad they took his mom Whitney

As they make their escape, Jenna gets got. Hahahaha. You were no longer the final girl!!! Grabbing Whitney doomed you.

Sammy almost instantly forgets Jenna and he and Whitney make it out into the world. Where Jason is. Because fuck you.

Jason uses Sammy as a glass breaker and ndnd#ejjd

*snores*

Jenna was hiding and then decided to scream fuck your and hdhhdjdijdj

*snores*

Oh, man. This movie is so god damn boring. The only interesting stuff was some of the early kills with that first group. This movie should have just been a fan film that was the first 20 minutes.

You have a group of teens telling ghost stories around a fire and they tell about Jason. It doesn’t have to make sense since it’s a ghost story. Then Jason appears and ganks them all. They find out that ghost stories. And be true. 20 minutes and done. Great fan film.

Instead we’re getting this trite, boring, drawn out garbage that I don’t care if anyone lives.

Hell. I want all the characters to get got because they’re all obnoxious.

There’s no stakes. It’s just. Man. I wish I had steak.

Oh. Right. Plot. So they go back to that Lil Kev garage and Jason is about to wood chipper Sammy when Whitney pretends to be his mom. This movie thinks it’s part 2. Whitney is no Ginny.

Hell. We barely know Whitney because she’s been gone most of the movie.

Make likable characters you hack writers out there!!

Blah blah Sammy outs a chain around Jason and into the chipper. It begins to pull him on. The music sucks. This movie sucks.

Whitney then stabs him and he goes into the chipper. Well. It tickles the top of his head because the script requires it not to pull him it anymore because this movie is fucking stupid.

We cut to Whitney sitting on the dock and Sammy kicking Jason into the water. Why? Because this movie is fucking stupid.

Jason is a big guy. That means they had to drag him hundreds or thousands of yards to push him off the dock. All so they can set up the next shot.

Because, of course, you have to have Jason jump out of the water like in the original. Of course that was a dream and not made sense since Jason drowned. This movie is stupid!!!

It’s like they had a god damn stack of notecards. Each saying something like “fool Jason mommy” and “jumps out of water” and they just strung that trash together with bland ass scenes and characters.

Well. That was the 2009 remake of Friday the 13th and it was absolute garbage.

Jason was cool and I sorta liked the survivalist aspects of Jason. It’s a different take.

Too bad everything else suck shit. Fuck this movie and all garbage remakes.

@threadreaderapp unroll