Thread by @NortherlyRose

#Thread
What therapy has taught me.
After several unsuccessful attempts to resolve some painful and deep seated issues I finally found a therapist I had the right kind of understanding and rapport with to address this effectively.
They were autistic too.
We had lots in common.
1/

Pacing was important.
There were places I wasn’t ready to go at the outset.
Things evolved gradually.
Situations occurred in my life that led to us exploring specific issues.
It felt natural not forced.
Everything happened in its own good time.
Some things resolved themselves.
2/

There was a lot about being autistic that I didn’t need to explain.
This was liberating.
Implicit acceptance of what that meant was combined with active discussion about effective strategies.
Knowing that there were certain things that many of us struggle with was validating.
3/

The body of autistic experience the therapist drew on was not just from their own personal journey but from anonymised journeys of everyone else they had ever worked with.
They were connected to a huge body of knowledge, not just from theory, but from real lives. I was too.
4/

Therapy comes at quite a cost.
It wasn’t just the financial commitment (it’s rare to get this kind of therapy on the NHS), there was a time and energy commitment too.
I had to be prepared to tackle painful things, which couldn’t be avoided when I began to re-examine my life.
5/

Being able to address the most sensitive and personal aspects’ of my self safely was hugely important given my experiences of being betrayed and abused.
I often doubted that this would be possible. My defences were like a knee jerk reaction.
But very gradually I was able to.
6/

I was able to see how my natural characteristics and reactions had made me vulnerable in certain situations, and that this was not my fault.
Even more importantly, I was able to consider what actions and boundaries I might need to put in place to protect myself from harm now.
6/

The world needs to change in terms of the treatment of neurodivergent people, but while we’re waiting it’s important to protect ourselves.
Through therapy I realised I was far too accepting of the harmful behaviours of others.
I didn’t put boundaries in place quickly enough.
7/

This had a lot to do with empathy.
I recognised other people’s abusive behaviour towards me was sometimes an expression of self loathing and I didn’t want to add to this.
Instead of thinking I had run from situations prematurely, I came to realise I’d tended to stay too long.
8/

Something else that I’ve been working on is making more deliberate choices.
Almost everything we do has an opportunity cost.
How we spend our time, and the people we have around us, matter hugely, especially for me at the age of 62.
My lifespan is finite. I’m reaching the end.
9/

Sometimes we have no choice but to react to unexpected events.
Crises are a regular part of life.
But some of the tumultuousness can be avoided when we start to make proactive decisions in our own best interests.
To do this we really do need to believe that we deserve it.
10/

It also means getting comfortable with potentially painful truths.
We can’t be perfect. We’ll always make mistakes however hard we try.
Some people may not like, respect or understand us, however much we attempt to engage with them.
Regardless of this we can accept our self.
11/

Ultimately we are defined not so much by the way others see us, as by the way we see ourselves.
So much depends on this.
Placating and appeasing other people by trying to be what they want us to be is doomed to failure.
It’s an unhappy compromise where no one really benefits.
12/

There’s a real sense of liberation in beginning to sense who we are, and act on this, especially when it has been so suppressed.
For me the solidarity and community of connectedness with other autistic people, including my therapist, has been a really important part of this.
13/

I first contacted the therapist I’ve been seeing in October 2021.
This was what I said in my email:
“I just watched the YouTube interview with you posted by Ausome Ireland. I’m still processing what was discussed but I feel so heartened by it.”
14/

“I realised I was autistic two years ago when I was 58 and got my diagnosis a few weeks later. At that time I’d reached a crisis point in terms of my ability to function at work.”
15/

“Burnout as I now recognise it, the effects of which seem to have been cumulative in the course of my career.”
16/

“I have tried various types of therapy since diagnosis for anxiety which is probably largely related to previous trauma. Relate couples counselling with my husband wasn’t effective, and IAPT and CMHT sessions left me even more traumatised.”
17/

“Earlier in my career I was a mental health social worker and lecturer so it was hard to get ‘help’ which was so obviously harmful, and then risk beIng seen as ‘difficult‘ for not wanting to continue with it.”
18/

“If you have any capacity to take on private clients at any point I would be grateful if you could get in touch. I have come to terms with being autistic with the help of online communities of autistic people, and reached a much better understanding of myself.”
19/

“There is still work to do though so I can enter old age less fearfully.”
Thanks to the work I’ve done with my #ActuallyAutistic therapist I now feel that I have reached that point.
I can look forwards and backwards in my life, and at my current situation, and I am unafraid.
20/

‘Everyone should be born into this world happy
and loving everything.
But in truth it rarely works that way.
For myself, I have spent my life clamoring toward it.
Halleluiah, anyway I’m not where I started!’
#MaryOliver
21/

‘And have you too been trudging like that, sometimes
almost forgetting how wondrous the world is
and how miraculously kind some people can be?
And have you too decided that probably nothing important
is ever easy?
Not, say, for the first sixty years.’
#MaryOliver
22/

‘Halleluiah, I’m sixty now, and even a little more,
and some days I feel I have wings.’
‘Halleluiah!’ by Mary Oliver, from ‘Wild and Previous Life’.
I believe everyone #ActuallyAutistic who wants to, should be able to see an autistic therapist.
#Autistic
#AutisticElders
23/end

Wild and Precious Life!

@threadreaderapp unroll please!