Thread by @Jack_Quigley

I spent my lunch break re-writing Paul Kelly’s How to Make Gravy, from the perspective of Steve Smith watching the Australian cricket team play this summer.

Hello, Tim. It's Smudge here.

I hope you're wicket-keeping well.

It's the 17th of November. Now they're picking the last twelve.

Who's gonna make the ball swing, now?
I bet it won't move the same.

Just add sunscreen, sweat, sugar from your pocket, and don't forget the sandpaper for reversing and that extra zing.

And give some runs to Usman. And some poles for Joshy.
Tell 'em all I'm sorry, I screwed up this time.
And look after Peter, he could be an opener - if the ball's not seaming, while Cameron's serving his time.

I hear Justin's got a new job now. I hope he can hold his own.
Do you remember the last bloke? What was his name again? Uh, just a little too much B.O.

And Maxy - you know I'm even gonna miss Maxy, 'cause it's funny as hell watching him and Wadey have a fight.

Say hey to baby Moises. Wish him merry crick-mas. I'm really gonna miss it.
All the money and the cash.

And later in the season, I can just imagine. When the Tests are boring, you go play the Big Bash.

And you'll bat with Peter. I know you really like him. Just bat for too long oh brother I need to get my spot back - I didn't mean to say that.
I hope you win these matches, and take a lot of catches. You know I hate those Indians. And that Kohli is a cat.

I'll be playing backyard. I'll bat against the family. I'll make some runs for Davey. I'll be making plenty.

I'm gonna pay 'em all back.