Thread by @TheEdVerse

1)
“They say this castle is impregnable,” muttered the thief. “So we’re going to impregnate it.”
The cleric opened his mouth rather wearily to correct the sly little outlander, but then shut it again. What was the use? He was…
#epic fantasy

2)
…unlikely to live long enough to learn correct speech, and his outlander manglings of the trade-tongue were occasionally hilarious, and more often mildly amusing. Which is more than many of us manage to be in life.
#epic fantasy

3)
“And how,” he asked the thief calmly, “are we going to do that?”
“I’m going to climb this unclimbable wall, then let down a line for all the rest of you. The guards won’t be expecting anyone to manage that, so if we’re…
#epic fantasy

4)
…quiet, we shouldn’t be detected, and should be able to get to the duke before his guards can surround him. Snick-snack, and down he goes.”
“Oh? I wasn’t intending that this be a suicide mission,” said the cleric. “So I want…
#epic fantasy

5)
…to hear your brilliant plan for getting us out again. In one piece, and with enough of a head start on any pursuit that we can get away.”
“Disguises,” said the thief firmly.
“Disguises?”
“Disguises. You as the duke, the…
#epic fantasy

6)
…fighter as his wife, and I’ll be their son; I’m smaller.”
“We look nothing like the ducal family. NO ONE can mistake our fighter for the duke’s wife. She has a waist like a wasp, slender and graceful limbs, and a superb…
#epic fantasy

7)
…figure. He has the size and shape of an ox.”
“Ah,” the thief said eagerly, “but the guards and servants will all be drunk, you see?”
“Oh? How so?”
“Because I will go first, and filch the keys for the duke’s wine cellar, and…
#epic fantasy

8)
…open it, and run around the castle distributing bottles, and they will all drink, and then we shall fool them with our disguises.”
“You,” said the fighter, “are crazy.”
“Thank you!” the thief beamed.
#epic fantasy

9)
The fighter looked at the cleric.
Who opened his mouth, then closed it again, then said, “Right. GREAT plan. You go first. We’ll wait down here, until you come back and tell us it’s time to climb the rope.”
The thief’s beam…
#epic fantasy

10)
…was now as bright as a lantern. “You like it! Splendid, splendid!”
And he set off up the wall, climbing with a fluid grace and ease that impressed the fighter and the cleric despite their misgivings.
They stayed impressed…
#epic fantasy

11)
…right up until the moment the thief plummeted down to land beside them, head first, splattering them with his brains. To the accompaniment of cruel laughter from the guards atop the castle walls high above.
#epic fantasy

12)
The fighter looked at the cleric. “Well, I’m not trying to impregnate this castle now. Not now he’s warned them. Looks like this mission is a dead loss.”
The cleric smiled. “No. Cut off what’s left of his head, and pop it…
#epic fantasy

13)
…in this bag.”
“Hunh? What good will THAT do? I’m not into goblin cuisine!”
“You surprise me not. I’m not fond of scrambled human brains, either. No, I took out insurance on the dolt’s brains before we set out. …
#epic fantasy

14)
All we have to do is trade what we have of them for the gold. And we can try again for the duke on another night.”
“Not with such a crazed plan, I hope.”
“Not unless you can find another thief as mad as this one was.”
#epic fantasy

15)
The fighter looked at the cleric. “Is that a challenge? Because I’ve met a lot of thie—”
“NO,” said the cleric. “No, it is NOT.”
And he held out the bag. “Start cutting.”
#epic fantasy