Thread by @MXS_Nightmare

Long long ago, in a holler far away, Little Red Riding Hood got up one fine morning, and for whatever damned reason, needed to drive to Paintsville.

So, she put up her hood, packed up her picnic, and put pedal to metal.

It had only been a few minutes of traveling eastward, through the rays of the brilliant morning sun, when suddenly, the Big Bad Brown SUV came out of nowhere & engaged.

Little Red Riding Hood didn't want 2 be hamburger, but she wasn't a p***y either, so she tore up some asphalt.

The Big Bad SUV was quite ferocious indeed - after a few test passes, Little Red Riding Hood broke suddenly away from the carnivorous creature to run far ahead.

It seemed as if the day had been won! Until, on the other side of the Highroad, the Lone Ranger appeared.

A chill wind blew across the gulch of a gravel quarry & carried silver dust into the highway, the searing sapphire glare of coplights burning through the desert miasma.

Red's telltale mirror revealed the savagery of the Rangers's pursuit; he had found a U-turn & pressed her on.

Red gripped the steering wheel and prayed to the gods of speed and cunning.

She made an executive call, and gave her faithful steed a great dig in the guts, urging him toward the twisted horizon where the road vanished around a sharp corner.

The Lone Ranger did his best to pursue her, but was pelted by rocks and choked by dust falling from the hillside above.

Red gained the corner and gave the last of the gas to the baby. She hurtled around the bend, the legs of her steed achieving a pace of about 120mph.

There was nothing in front of her but a straight stretch 2 miles long. The Crack of Paintsville loomed menacingly over the waistband of a crossing bridge...

Red gasped and realized, there was a gravel driveway that led into the trees; if only she could reach the forest!!

She stared at the driveway, willing herself to reach it, her conveyance blurring past the gouges of Wake Up Bumps and gnarled tree branches lining the ditch.

It was as if she was passing her whole life to get to that driveway, but in slow motion.

She knew that if she hit the driveway at anything over 20mph, the wily Lone Ranger would spy her dust trail.

So, with another desperate prayer, Red punched the brakes & lowered sail into the headwind, aiming herself at the driveway like Luke Skywalker shooting at the Death Star.

She managed to bleed the speed right before gravel crunched beneath the chariot's wheels, & slowly, so slowly, she vanished into the treeline, leaving no trace of her passing but the stench of guilt.

Whipping the boat around, she found a hole in the canopy to watch him through.

The Lone Ranger screamed past her woodland haunt, and Red sank back into the seat, listening to the pounding of her heart.

It felt like a woodpecker was trapped in her chest...

Squeezing the wheel in sudden relief, she exclaimed,

"My OB-GYN is gonna kill me!"

But before she got her courage up to leave, Red reflected on how hard the Lone Ranger had taken the U-turn.

...it was as if the Titanic had struck iceberg again; a shower of gravel exploding in waves, the bursting of a mud puddle under a child's heel.

"That guy needs laid!"

@threadreaderapp unroll this thread please

(Without shadowban on the side..)