Thread by @hannahnpbowman

So we are watching Avengers Infinity War and so far it is not living up to my very low expectations.

Loki and Heimdall both dead already, but not until after Loki was too stupid to live. (RUN A LONG CON LOKI. DON’T TRY TO KILL HIM UNTIL HE TRUSTS YOU.)

I thought Bruce couldn’t unHulk anymore after Ragnarok? I guess not because CONSEQUENCES AREN’T A REAL THING THAT MATTER ANYMORE.

Also this script is TERRIBLE. Backstory-dude is giving backstory about infinity stones. I do not care.

We are 15 minutes into this movie and there has been one (1) woman. (And maybe a henchman-woman?)

Sausage. Fest.

Dr. Strange throws magic frisbees.

At least I like Spider-Man.

Oh no the worst Marvel character Peter Quill has shown up oh no he is the actual worst.

Hey two more women! One’s a sexy empath and one’s an exposition bringer.

Also Peter Quill, so still a net negative on the feminism front.

There is a LOT of reminding us where stones are in this movie.

So much of this movie is logistics. It’s like sitting through many meetings that should have instead been an email.

On the other hand, Paul Bettany. Appears to be in an entirely different movie.

(We took a break for dinner, if you’re watching along at home.)

Steve Rogers is in this movie! (I am watching this for Steve Rogers’ beard.)

Yes, I know why we’re getting the Gamora backstory (I’ve read spoilers) and that makes me even angrier. Fuck the writers for saddling her with Peter Quill and Thanos.

This movie has too much Guardians.

The Guardians, and everyone else, are incapable of planning an attack. Despite all the meetings.

Why doesn’t anyone ever FINISH killing Thanos? Just keep stabbing, just keep stabbing...

Why do Thanos and Gamora get the character arcs in an AVENGERS movie?

By the way it goes without saying that the only female character with any reasonable characterization is Scarlet Witch. These women are shamefully poorly written.

Yes, Rhodey! Law is a terrible arbiter of morality!

Hawkeye and Ant-Man: not appearing in this movie. I’m sad about one of those.

Why won’t we let Vision sacrifice himself to save the world?

I appreciate Cap’s impulse here but Vision is literally offering.

We need some double effect to figure this out. @rosamundhodge?

I mean, it would be nice to save Vision! I like Vision! Let’s save Vision and dispense with Quill!

Wakanda forever!

Ooh Dr. Strange is a pincushion.

Like St. Sebastian.

Why is Dr. Strange’s cloak hanging around like a sentient piece of furniture from Beauty and the Beast? Is it sassy?

ALADDIN IT’S ALADDIN THAT HAD THE SASSY SENTIENT UPHOLSTERY.

“Oh we’re using the made-up names.” Spidey is my favorite.

At least Dr. Strange has reasonable priorities.

Now I am mad again because Spidey turned down being an Avenger on principle and we’ve just forgotten that because story consequences don’t matter.

Pretty sure Thanos doesn’t understand how birth rates work. (Has Thanos considered offering everyone free contraception?)

If literally any man in this movie had ever listened to a woman about anything they might have come up with this free contraception plan.

Oh FUCK this he’s torturing Nebula to get Gamora FUCK YOU ALL YOU UNIMAGINATIVE MISOGYNISTIC THOUGHTLESS FUCKING MEN.

(The writers, not Thanos. To be clear.)

Ok, have put the baby to bed. Back at it.

Charitably, this story is about if and when it’s possible to sacrifice yourself or someone else for the greater good.

OTOH Thor and Rocket are talking and none of these character pairings make any sense or reveal character in interesting ways.

Why does Thor have two eyes again?

OH NO THE FORGE OF NIDAVELLIR HAS GONE DARK.

Is that Tyrion Lannister?

They go to too many planets in this movie. This is not usually a complaint I have.

The Guardians are about to take our Iron Man and Dr. Strange by friendly fire and vice versa and I am oddly ok with it.

Take *out

Now instead of killing each other they are having another meeting to explain what’s going on and how they all know each other.

Ooh a NAMED WEAPON I love those.

Also I find it endearing that Thor calls Rocket “rabbit.”

Spidey is appropriately skeptical of the Guardians. Who are lampshading how pathetic they are. Why are they so terrible?

Where is Vormir there are TOO MANY PLANETS

I am just realizing Steve Rogers’ beard has only had like two minutes of screen time. Why isn’t Cap in more of this movie?

Also why is the Red Skull in this movie?

Who said “this movie needs less Steve Rogers than Peter Fucking Quill?”

The mythology of the infinity stones makes NO SENSE. These rules are totally random.

Still not over: why is the Red Skull here? Seriously.

Also what is this extensive sacrificial temple thing on whatever-planet-they’re-on?

Also, this plot was written by people whose concept of emotional beats LITERALLY does not go beyond fridging.

They actually can’t think of anything to motivate any man besides putting a woman in pain or killing her. This is psychopathic.

Bucky looks WAAY better with a beard.

Vision once again right: they need to destroy it now.

Is Thor STARTING A NEUTRON STAR? That is...actually cool.

I’m a sucker for forging scenes and this one is actually good.

T’challa, you are taking this open borders thing way too far. Opening the barrier is a STUPID idea!

VISION IS IN A NICE UNDERGROUND BUNKER WITH A DEFENSIBLE DOOR

It’s a good forging scene though!

Ah yes, the hand-punching method of forging weapons.

Why did Thor go to Wakanda rather than GOING TO KILL THANOS AS PLANNED???

I’ve lost count of the stones.

You had one job, expositioners.

Oh no poor sassy cloak!

Peter Quill is the ACTUAL WORST (but also IT SURE WOULD HAVE HELPED IF THOR HAD GONE TO TITAN RATHER THAN WAKANDA)!!!

They are going to LOSE because nobody makes a PHONE CALL to compare plans.

WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD GUYS BEING TOO STUPID TO LIVE?

DO NOT LEAVE VISION UNPROTECTED THEY ARE BEING SO FOOLISH WHYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Hey two hours in it’s passed the Bechdel test! Black Widow and the Henchwoman has a conversation about Scarlet Witch!

Why didn’t Thor go to Titan though? He specifically said he was making the axe to go to Titan?

This is BAD WRITING

NOT THIS AGAIN. DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH THANOS.

Why not just portal out of there Dr. Strange?

There has literally not even been a conversation between Strange and Stark to hang his sudden interest in Stark’s survival on.

Also HOW IS PETER QUILL STILL ALIVE?

Ok the moment is upon you VISION HAS TO DIE NOW

SERIOUSLY WANDA YOU HAVE TO DO IT NOW

At least Wanda has made a necessary decision, unlike everyone else in this movie!

Cap’s plan of holding Thanos back by hand has failed.

Yup, Thanos has the Omega 13. (Except without the rules and consequently stakes of that device, in an infinitely better movie.)

NOBODY THOUGHT TO PLAN FOR TIME TRAVEL? Did the Avengers do ANY PLANNING AT ALL?

You want to know the difference between good and bad screenwriting? It’s the difference between “the time stone lets me change anything I want” and “what can you do with 13 seconds? It’s enough time to fix a single mistake.” (Because GalaxyQuest, unlike this, is awesome.)

Nobody planned for THE ABILITIES OF THE INFINITY STONES???

Also didn’t Thanos specifically say in this movie this dissolving would be PAINLESS and INSTANTANEOUS? Did anyone even READ this script all the way through?

Well, at least Thor has a nice axe now.

MEN WROTE THIS SCREENPLAY I AM SHOCKED.

In summary, things I liked: the forging scene, Tyrion Lannister chewing scenery, Thor calling Rocket rabbit, Spidey, Cap and Bucky’s beards, that Wanda made the right choice.

Things I didn’t like: all the treatment of women, poor planning, that Peter Quill inexplicably survived.

LEARN TO WRITE WOMEN. LEARN TO WRITE FROM WOMEN. DO BETTER DAMMIT.