Thread by @stefsanjati

having my locker vandalized and things stolen because I wore makeup

being told I couldn't have a GSA because it would "provoke hatred"

a senior trying to run me over with his car because I was too feminine

my mom's tires being slashed because I was too feminine

(cont'd)

https://twitter.com/uncleshay23/status/1115051858593185792

going to get pizza at lunch, being called a faggot and chased away from the pizza place and never going back

being forced by a teacher to debate whether or not gay people deserved rights against a class full of my peers that said no

not feeling safe anywhere

(cont'd)

never going to any parties to prevent myself from being attacked

not leaving my house at all to prevent myself from being attacked

being driven two blocks to and from school every day to prevent myself from being attacked

(cont'd)

being taunted into an eating disorder by my first boyfriend

hearing kids from school yell about "the faggot's house" when they'd walk by my home, while inside with the windows shut

hooking up with boys at night and then being bullied by them at school the next day

(cont'd)

people egging my house

going home during class to use the washroom because going home during lunch wasn't safe

watching people stand by and do nothing when people would shout slurs at me or try to intimidate me

daily threats of violence

(cont'd)

being told by my best friend that he'd "fucking kill me" if I sat next to him after I came out

not realizing he was serious and sitting down next to him anyways

I have some thoughts:

Sometimes I imagine what my life would've been like if I was able to have experienced high school the way many people do.

What if I was allowed to express myself and also feel safe? What if I had the chance to go to a party or on a date?

What if I had the chance to socialize like other kids instead of learning that socializing could only lead to physical and emotional harm?

What if I had the chance to grow up in an environment that accepted me?

But sitting on these what ifs won't help me, because I can't fix it

I can't go back in time and make life simpler. I can't remove complexities burned into me by traumatizing events.

Sometimes I mourn for the life I could have lived and for how uburdened I could have felt as an adult, but that's not obtainable.

That's not productive.

I will feel this burden for the rest of my life. I've been through treatment programs for PTSD and I manage my symptoms the best I can, but they don't go away.

Every day is a concious effort to train my brain to calm down, to not feel threatened by every person.

Every day when I wake up, my mind thinks I'm in highschool. It tells me to stay in bed, to hide from people, that my friends don't like me, and that all I can do is escape.

And every day I have to say no, no, no, no, no, you're wrong to my instincts. Some days I'm unsuccessful.

What I'd really like to do is ask the people that hurt me why they did it. What did you get out of it? Did it make you happy? Did it bring you more social standing? Does it make you feel proud?

What would you have done if you hit me with your car?

What would you have done if I let you catch me?

What would you have done if I had gone to your party?

Do you even think about what you did anymore?

Do you realize I think about everything you did, every day, every night, and it keeps me from sleeping sometimes? Oftentimes.

I know they didn't realize the gravity of their actions when they were in highschool. I didn't know this would follow me out of there either. How could they have?

I don't even feel angry at them. That wouldn't do anything for me.

Mostly I feel like I missed out on a childhood. This all started when I was 9 or 10 years old - before I even started thinking about identity as a concept, even subconsciously. Before I had begun to form an image of myself in my mind.

There isn't an escape from this.

This all sounds very grim, but at the same time, I'm still here. They didn't catch me, they didn't hit me with their car, and I got out of that town. I'm still here.

I am alive and breathing and they can't take that from me. That's a win.

I know some of you reading this are going through what I went through right now. I know people online like to say everything is better now, but we know it's not.

You're going to be okay. You're going to get through this and even with PTSD, life is ABSOLUTELY worth living.

On my better days, I am able to see the things I learned from my experiences: compassion, empathy, passion, nurturing, and self-love. For me, those were essential survival skills back then, and they are now.

In a lot of ways, I learned how to be an adult before I was an adult.

Sometimes I see that as a positive, sometimes I see it as a negative, but either way, it happened.

And I'm still here and I want to be here.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore, it's 7am and I haven't slept because my mind won't stop rolling like a runaway train.

But I need yall to stick around for the good part that comes after the darkness.

Trust me when I say it's worth it - even with the memories.

There are ways to use those memories to help yourself and more importantly, others. You're going to make people happy.

Being in that much pain can help you develop quite a bit of emotional intelligence. That will help you as an adult.

I need to go pass out now.

I love you. You've got this.