Thread by @CCCBuryStEd

I would like to give a ❤️HUGE THANK YOU❤️ to everyone who responded to a recent thread I posted on the subject of ‘ The Entitled Victim’. I’ve spent the last couple of days reading through all the comments, messages and emails and it’s been really interesting and eye opening.

Quite a few who responded misunderstood the thread. That may have been down to poor phrasing on my part, though some responses assumed it was victim blaming.

A few thought it would make victims feel even worse than they already do & would give abusers another tool to attack.

Someone called it ‘incredibly damaging’ ‘irresponsible and dangerous ‘ and claimed it would create additional barriers to support/understanding ‘

A few said they didn’t recognise what the thread was about, had never experienced it and would welcome examples and one thought it was an ‘untested theory.’

A few misunderstood the thread as being a criticism of victims who are angry,venting or pressing for more help or support.

Some said that * a true victim* does not have these traits and that an entitled victim is really an abuser in disguise who is manipulating to be a victim.

A few shared experiences of their own, asking whether the thread could refer to the examples they gave and several emails were sent by one person who, amongst other things, called me ‘abhorrent and utterly repulsive ‘ .

On the flip side, those who recognised the behaviour being highlighted had this to say:

“ Really brave thread, well done for speaking out, though many won’t thank you.”

“ You make some really good points”

“ Entlightening”

Several said the thread gave food for thought

One comment: “An excellent* thread on a topic the recovery community would rather not discuss. Until someone has encountered a true entitled victim, it's hard to imagine. For those of us who have seen this numerous times, we know the examples in your thread are 100% accurate.”

As well as comments posted publicly, I received many more privately- via DMs or email. Some of them were heartbreaking.

“ I’m in a relationship with someone who was hurt so badly, in a previous relationship, ( they) nearly died. We’ve been together for nearly 5 years. I try to be as supportive as I can be but I’ve come to realise that xx isn’t grateful for anything I do.>>

“we often have to change plans at the last moment because xx changes (their) mind and there are often angry scenes in restaurants, whenever we’re in a queue and with family gatherings. This has caused problems with my family and friends who all dislike xx .

>> Every time I try to point out how upsetting the behaviour is, I am immediately confronted in such as way as to make me feel guilty for saying anything. Xx always brings it back to how much abuse they had in that relationship and about how I am starting to behave like their ex.

It is really hurtful to be constantly told that you’re as bad as the person who nearly killed you. Nothing I seem to do is good enough but it would devastate (them) if I left.

I can now see that xx is abusive but don’t want to be yet another person who has let ( them) down, but I don’t know how much longer I can put up with being told how disappointing I am. “

Here’s another email:

“I know exactly what you mean about victims who think they can treat other people like shit. I used to see it all the time when I was volunteering at (a charity). There was this attitude that victims were above reproach & any bullying was never challenged.

“ The atmosphere was toxic and, as a result, volunteers never stayed long. I left when one of the staff members called me a ‘ stupid bitch’ and the manager refused to do anything. I’m now working in a different (charity) where the atmosphere is so much better.

“Until starting (here), I had no idea how poisonous the culture at the other workplace was, and when I talk about it, no one believes me so it was really good that you have started to speak up about it as, I did think I was imagining it.

Other comments:

“When someone has been abused it’s natural to be angry but this isn’t normal anger, it’s retribution.”

“Thank you for bringing this subject up, not enough people know that some victims will go out of their way to make the lives of others hell.”

“ Well done for your excellent thread. Too many people are scared to challenge a bully, especially a bully who is the victim of a serious crime.”

“ It’s dangerous to put people on pedestals just because they are victims, what happens if a rapist gets assaulted. Sure, he’s a victim, but do we forget he’s also a rapist?”

What’s clear from the varied comments above is that this a conversation that needs to happen.

ALL abusers will probably claim to be a victim, but it’s not victim blaming to say that some victims are abusers.

It’s time someone stood up for the victims of these abusers because, judging by some of the comments, the implication is that their claims are not valid because their abuser is ALSO a victim and THAT can’t be right.

For those who missed the thread, it is here. Please read, share and comment and let’s talk about the difficult subjects that are crucial even though they make us uncomfortable because that is where change starts.
❤️

https://twitter.com/cccburysted/status/1177526320806453249?s=21