#IKnowAGuy Chapter II:

A while back I posted some of my photography gear on OLX, and I fell into the hands of some crazy robbery drama. And I ended up in so much trouble.


Getting out of it, was purely God's grace.

Lets go!
I needed to let go of some gear so I took them and share on my socials and my photography whatsapp groups and pages.

Total Cost: 420K.

There was little movement and conversation over it. And then someone told me, 'I know a guy who bought my stuff off OLX.' I was like, Bingo.
I was not new to OLX. I bought a camera grip off the platform. But while at agency, I worked extensively on OLX as a brand, developing campaigns, pushing recruitment, youth engagement, campus activations etc.

I'd heard stories of conmen on the app but I'd never experienced it.
Within 2 hours of posting, I had answered so many inquiry calls. The usual,

‘How much are you selling it?’
‘How long have you used it?’
‘Why are you selling it?’
‘Is it fixed price ama it’s negotiable?’
‘Bei ya mwisho?’
'Can we see it?'
'Can I pay in instalments?'

I answer all.
Two 'interested buyers' stand, because they are willing to even send a deposit. And want everything immediately.

I'm excited.

The first guy is called Moze. We agree on the timing of the viewing. The second guy is called 'Dr. Mutua.' Mutua is very assertive and wants them all.
For the meeting, I tell the area security whats going on and they are aware.

It's delicate planning coz Dr. Mutua guy first said he is a surgeon in Kenyatta, then he wants me to go to Dagoreti Corner or can he come to my house. Then can he send a driver to pick me.

I chuja him.
The day I chuja him, several hour later, another Dr. Mwaura calls me, but I fail to make a very critical connection. The accent. He tells me his son wants to start a studio and is willing to pay for everything.

'In fact, toa hizo vitu OLX saa hii.'

Nikatoa, tukapanga mkutano.
I make sure the meet is at the same place on the same day, back to back. It's at the restaurant in All Saints and the security team is aware.

I sit in a car near the gate so that I see these guys coming and if they are alone. Moze comes first. Goes to restaurant then calls me.
I don't want him to see the car. I tell him to wait there. I take the security, take the stuff to him and he checks them out.

And then he tells me the truth, his gear was stolen and he wanted to see if it was his. He is disappointed but it's ok.

He heads out towards the gate.
At the gate he stops to say hi to some guy. And then he continues. I miss another red flag.

Dr. Mwaura had told me he is having surgery at Nairobi hospital but he will send a guy who works at Nation.

The guy comes. He is obviously a smoker & drinker. He doesn't look Nationish.
He sits at a table orders tea, and then calls me, and then I call him to my table at the centre of the restaurant.

He looks at the stuff, and then he tells me he works at The Standard.


He says the things are in order and then the games begin.
He says he doesn't have credo I lend him my phone to call Dr. Mwaura.

I tell him I don't have credo. Because in that same church another chic borrowed a phone to make a call and she went with everything plus the sim card.


He says Let me okoa.

Me: Jibambe buda.
Homeboy calls Dr. Mwaura and they vibe in... wait for it... wait for it... KAO.

Then he tells me, he has put in a good word for me, I should even buy him tea.

I pay for his tea, anyway, coz it my meeting. And then he leaves. He asks if I can drop him somewhere, I tell him 'Zi.'
A few hours later Dr. Mwaura calls. He is happy, in fact he wants the things ASAP.

Him: Can I pay in 2 instalments?
Me: Zi.
Him: Can we meet somewhere after 5?
Me: Zi.

He says he can pay 320 cash for everything. I say 380 minimum. He says 350 basi.

I agree. He says he'll call.
It's a Tuesday. On Wednesday he calls and says he has surgery out of town and he wants to get the things for his some, MOSES.

Another freaking Red Flag I missed.

I tell him cash or MPESA at my bank.

He starts oh, you don't trust me, that's not how to do business, I'm a doctor.
I tell him, I am not giving anything until I get cash.

And then he gets me... He says, 'Basi nitumie number yako ya account, niweke cash, alafu nitatuma Moze akujie hizo vitu kesho.’

And stupid me, gives him the account details.

Kidogo kidogo, 'Chwi chwi', bank notification.
A Cheque for 350k has been deposited.

And then I get a text from him that the bank has refused to give him cash because he had already withdrawn a lot for his trip. So ameweka bankers cheque.

Me: Sawa. Tubonge kesho.

Next day he starts calling me twice every hour. Ananistress.
I insist, when the cash has cleared, tubonge.

Then the threats, you are a conman, we will send the cops, nini nini... It's too much.

I break. I'm about to tell him, either cancel the cheque or let it clear. I tell him tuma mtu mkujie hizo vitu 5 All Saints.

Anazitaka asubuhi.
Next day, Friday, I have everything. Planning to go down to hand over the gear.

I get a call from the Bank.
Hallo. Is this Pau?
Is this your account number? 0 Something Something Something?’
‘You deposited a cheque of Ks. 350,000, and payment has been declined.’
Nikameza ulimi at the next statement. Because I heard it in slow motion...


Those words still give me nightmares.

Me: Excuse me? I tell who?
Bank: Tell Mr. Patel, his bank has declined to pay. He needs to issue a new cheque.
Jasho Jembamba my guy.


My heart stopped. And in less than 5 Seconds I put 13 and 55 together and completely figured what was going on.

But it was only just the beginning, and it is about to get deadly worse.

A more detailed version of this story can be found here.…

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More from @paushinski

Feb 13
Bwana every estate needs a person who is bold, tough, militant, Taliban and one who willing to do crazy things that peace loving people would have to go sijui where to be fitted with grit and toughness.

We hate her guts, guys, but that madam in Hse No. 256 is that person for us.
Mimi by the way sipendagi kuongea juu ya neighbors wangu generally, but hii ya leo imenibidi.
The guy in Hse. 74 is living with a new woman. The other his person we knew left. And the new woman is, well, old. People can live with whoever they want.


Weeee, huyo mama akona pesa nyingi sana. She has so much money. Aki she is rich for being rich. Si try-zex ama mjaribus.

Chini ya woyez we call her Virunga. Coz the first time we encountered her ways she was blasting Samba Mapangala's Vunja Mifupa in, her huge ass Land Cruiser.
Read 11 tweets
Oct 23, 2021
Here's the 411.
So Mama Tuyu 'left' because Baba Tuyu 'wanted' more kids and Mama Tuyu was like 'Zii.'

So Baba Tuyu went ahead to look for Hadija. And got married.

But now, Hadija wants to get her Masters and she doesn't want kids yet.
My friend. So Baba Tuyu alikasirika and decided to get someone to get him the kids he wants.
So today we got the notice in the Estate Wozzap that there's going to be an introduction event next weekend.

Then 256 has said that event won't happen in the Estate. Ipelekwe kwingine.
256 was saying the entire women's fellowship in the Estate is going to go and speak to Baba Tuyu.

But Mrs. 178 said that was not necessary and that rather the men should go and talk to Baba Tuyu.

Me I just want the fire pilau from that house so I will be going for that meeting.
Read 4 tweets
Sep 20, 2021
1. There was a man, from Kivu, Congo. John Paul was his name. He lived a good life. To afford the godd life, he did bad things on the behest of evil greedy men who could pay for the bad things he could do. The kind of bad things that gave him, even, nightmares.
Bad things that gave even worse nightmares to people who survived his encounter.

Soon, he had a ‘Road To Damascus’ encounter. And the voice in the bright light that shone on him demanded his life. He changed his life, distributing his portable possessions as he headed East...
East out of DRC and fled. Fleeing his demons, and those of the people he did bad things too.
2. There was a boy from Kindu, in the greater Kivu region of DRC. Right at the border of Democratic Republic of Congo, and the United Republic of Tanzania. The son of a single mother.
Read 23 tweets
Sep 18, 2021
Anyway, meanwhile at the Estate.

256 had said they were moving back to shags but ni kama hawakuwa wamesikizana na Osband. Coz Osband told the security not to let anyone view the house. Because he already has someone who has booked it. But he didn't tell 256.
In fact Former SQ guy 108 had asked if he can refer someone who was looking for a house, but 256 akamwambia, 'Wewe umeanza kushi kwa nyumba juzi leo umeshakuwa agent?'

So 108 aka-catch vibaya sana. He was genuinely offended. He said his only mistake in life was living in an SQ.
So leo hapo kwa wossap group, mtu akasema ati they sent someone who was meant to come see the house, but was frozen at the gate. Kama tenant àmepatikana, waseme.

Huyo 256 akabeba uTaliban akauliza soldiers kwani form ni gani?

They say Osband said mtu asiingie. Nyumba ishaenda.
Read 4 tweets
Sep 17, 2021
By last year, at the Season Premiere of Uhunyes Lockdown 1, we'd been blowing up our medical cover consistently.

To the point where Le Partner and I just did cash at consultation and let the outpatient cover the girls.

And it was cold this, cough that, infection that other one.
From lockdown one up until schools re-opened, we barely went to the hospital. Maybe once or twice. And when it did, it wasn't the common things. Dental appointments & gikmakamago.

Zero colds.

The concoctions, staying at home made sure we were all well for as long as we could.
Walahi, as soon as schools opened, and with the consistent regime of wash hands, concoctions this and being active, things went back to segemnegemege.

Sniffle here, achuuuuu there. Cough this, cold that, tummy aches that other one...

And the cover was blown. Again.

Read 4 tweets
Sep 2, 2021
Previously on...
Georgie gets home.
Cops are all over.
A lady is down on the floor bleeding.
He get mobbed by cops.
He wakes up, somewhere, with a dislocated shoulder.
And he doesn't know where his family is.
#IKnowAGuy Ssn 7.
Ep 2/3
Disclaimer: Tutulie please. Similarity of names, locations and conversations are all purely coincidental. Haitaki hasira.
Around 7:00pm, the door is opened.

He knows the time because he can hear the Swahili bulletin.

Two guys in lab coats come and lift him from the floor.
They tell him they are taking him to hosi soon, to get his shoulder checked. But before that he has to eat.

He says he is not hungry.

They insist he must eat. They ask him what he wants to eat.

He says he is feeling cold. Very cold.

They tell him not to worry. 'Tutaku-sort!'
Read 19 tweets

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