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23 Oct, 4 tweets, 1 min read
Here's the 411.
.
So Mama Tuyu 'left' because Baba Tuyu 'wanted' more kids and Mama Tuyu was like 'Zii.'

So Baba Tuyu went ahead to look for Hadija. And got married.

But now, Hadija wants to get her Masters and she doesn't want kids yet.
My friend. So Baba Tuyu alikasirika and decided to get someone to get him the kids he wants.
.
So today we got the notice in the Estate Wozzap that there's going to be an introduction event next weekend.

Then 256 has said that event won't happen in the Estate. Ipelekwe kwingine.
256 was saying the entire women's fellowship in the Estate is going to go and speak to Baba Tuyu.

But Mrs. 178 said that was not necessary and that rather the men should go and talk to Baba Tuyu.

Me I just want the fire pilau from that house so I will be going for that meeting.
I'll give you all the low down on what happens later tonight.

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More from @paushinski

Too Early For Benga. Profile picture
20 Sep
REMMY'S BRAINS.
.
1. There was a man, from Kivu, Congo. John Paul was his name. He lived a good life. To afford the godd life, he did bad things on the behest of evil greedy men who could pay for the bad things he could do. The kind of bad things that gave him, even, nightmares.
Bad things that gave even worse nightmares to people who survived his encounter.

Soon, he had a ‘Road To Damascus’ encounter. And the voice in the bright light that shone on him demanded his life. He changed his life, distributing his portable possessions as he headed East...
East out of DRC and fled. Fleeing his demons, and those of the people he did bad things too.
.
2. There was a boy from Kindu, in the greater Kivu region of DRC. Right at the border of Democratic Republic of Congo, and the United Republic of Tanzania. The son of a single mother.
Read 23 tweets
Too Early For Benga. Profile picture
18 Sep
Anyway, meanwhile at the Estate.

256 had said they were moving back to shags but ni kama hawakuwa wamesikizana na Osband. Coz Osband told the security not to let anyone view the house. Because he already has someone who has booked it. But he didn't tell 256.
In fact Former SQ guy 108 had asked if he can refer someone who was looking for a house, but 256 akamwambia, 'Wewe umeanza kushi kwa nyumba juzi leo umeshakuwa agent?'

So 108 aka-catch vibaya sana. He was genuinely offended. He said his only mistake in life was living in an SQ.
So leo hapo kwa wossap group, mtu akasema ati they sent someone who was meant to come see the house, but was frozen at the gate. Kama tenant àmepatikana, waseme.

Huyo 256 akabeba uTaliban akauliza soldiers kwani form ni gani?

They say Osband said mtu asiingie. Nyumba ishaenda.
Read 4 tweets
Too Early For Benga. Profile picture
17 Sep
By last year, at the Season Premiere of Uhunyes Lockdown 1, we'd been blowing up our medical cover consistently.

To the point where Le Partner and I just did cash at consultation and let the outpatient cover the girls.

And it was cold this, cough that, infection that other one.
From lockdown one up until schools re-opened, we barely went to the hospital. Maybe once or twice. And when it did, it wasn't the common things. Dental appointments & gikmakamago.

Zero colds.

The concoctions, staying at home made sure we were all well for as long as we could.
Walahi, as soon as schools opened, and with the consistent regime of wash hands, concoctions this and being active, things went back to segemnegemege.

Sniffle here, achuuuuu there. Cough this, cold that, tummy aches that other one...

And the cover was blown. Again.

😭😭😭
Read 4 tweets
Too Early For Benga. Profile picture
2 Sep
Previously on...
THE BEASTS FROM THE EAST.
.
Georgie gets home.
Cops are all over.
A lady is down on the floor bleeding.
He get mobbed by cops.
He wakes up, somewhere, with a dislocated shoulder.
And he doesn't know where his family is.
.
#IKnowAGuy Ssn 7.
Ep 2/3
#GunsOfNairobi
~
Disclaimer: Tutulie please. Similarity of names, locations and conversations are all purely coincidental. Haitaki hasira.
~
Around 7:00pm, the door is opened.

He knows the time because he can hear the Swahili bulletin.

Two guys in lab coats come and lift him from the floor.
They tell him they are taking him to hosi soon, to get his shoulder checked. But before that he has to eat.

He says he is not hungry.

They insist he must eat. They ask him what he wants to eat.

He says he is feeling cold. Very cold.

They tell him not to worry. 'Tutaku-sort!'
Read 19 tweets
Too Early For Benga. Profile picture
14 Jun
Guys.

The womens at Houses No. 18 and No. 19 are BFFs.

Ok. They were BFFs until yesterday. But their relationship ended yesterday. Na nyumba zimeshikana.

😭😭😭
So number 18 is reaaaaaally nice. And cute. Very cute. Like OMG she is so cute if she was a vegetable she'd a cute-cumber.

I digress.

Number 19 na yeye pia sio mbaya saaaaaaaaaaaaaaana. Ni vile amependa makeups na stuffs kama hizo.

Enegwei. So both No. 18 & 19 had housies.
Housie wa number 19 was being mistreated. Ish ish.

By the way that housie was nice. Her nickname was Wikileaks.

She was head of DCI Housie's Branch huku. their house is near Min Moraa's shop and she'd tell the housies who bought what from the shop and it would always get to us.
Read 12 tweets
Too Early For Benga. Profile picture
11 May
The Eastleigh Boys.
Episode 2 Part One.
.
The perfect Monday morning.

Three Somali boys, Ahmad, 28, Aden, 28 and Yasiir, 32, walk into a coffee shop inside that Kilimani mall. They are wearing some nice designer fitting suits, and shoes.
.
I Know A Guy: Season 6.
THE EARTHMOVERS
DISCLAIMER: Names and Locations purely coincidental. Haitaki hasira.
.
They all have an athlete’s, or soldier physique. They smell great as well. They are carrying some papers in a folder.

They look around, before noticing, Thomas, the person they are here to meet.
They see him as he lightly waves his hand, almost standing. Thomas 35, is seated with another guy, Mustafa, 27. Somali as well.
.
Later, according to Thomas, all these guys looked the same, in every way, like… as if they were brothers.

Lakini si watu ukweli hufanana?

Enewei!
Read 41 tweets

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