So we've started watching all the Star Wars in chronological order in preparation for The Rise of Skywalker. I think we have made a terrible mistake.
Episode One is so much much worse than I remembered. So terribly, crushingly, bone-achingly bad, in every way imaginable.
Fuck me, the race stuff. Each species seems to be a kind of amalgamation of various racial stereotypes. Within seconds of the film opening you're like: Er, that's not OK. And then it gets worse, and worse, and worse.
I started cringing so hard I actually thought I had pulled a nerve in my back.
And then Jar Jar. Obviously a lot has been said about this and I'm not about to contribute anything new: if there is a more annoying character, in any film, at any time, I am yet to discover them.
Every actor looks stunned into horror and inner crisis by what is happening. It's like they're reading out a script in a hostage video.
George Lucas managed to make Samuel L Jackson look uncharismatic. I didn't know that was even possible. I honestly didn't think that was achievable. But he did it.
The final fight scene was OK. But the only really good thing in it was whoever did Natalie Portman's styling - the hair, the outfits. That shit was properly spectacular.
And now we are having to contemplate Episode Two. Sweet Jesus. We've started, so we'll probably finish. But dear God, we may have made a terrible mistake here. A terrible, terrible mistake.
