Turns out sometimes it’s really hard making a baby. For those who don’t know how babies are made, here’s the story of the birds and the bees and the 900 other people who sometimes have to get all up in your beehive. That’s right, it’s thread time.
A few years ago my periods stopped. I used to get my period twice a month and so having no periods was welcomed at first. I saw my doctor & she suggested the usual, stress, but I pushed & so she ran tests. After about two months of testing, she called and asked if I was sitting.
If you’ve ever seen a medical drama, you know the call to sit is a death knell. She told me my periods stopped because I was pre-menopausal — I was 24. She then gave me a list of fertility clinics to call to try and preserve what was left of my fertility.
What happened next was a blur of doctors appointments and depression. I wasn’t very attached to living. Having multiple chronic illnesses, family and friends were concerned about my ability to withstand a pregnancy. To me, if I died in childbirth that was fine.
I share this not because I’m proud but to explain how devastating an infertility diagnosis can be. People are quick to say adopt — but for many an infertility diagnosis feels like losing a crucial part of your humanity, and it can make you feel less than.
The fertility appointments were hellish. I was always the youngest in the waiting room, which made my feeling “less than” worse. One doctor told my partner he was “a good man for being with someone like me.” Another told me “miracles happen” when I asked next steps.
My family and friends 👋, weren’t much better (though they are now). They couldn’t understand why I refused to go to events with babies or wanted to “opt-out” of pregnancy announcements. I went from being a never-crier to always crying.
The worst part was undoubtedly the ableism. That is in and of itself a tweet thread for a different day. But lets just say the fertility industry is rife with issues when it comes to disability. I’ve never hated myself more than when trying to jump over its ableist hurdles.
Flash-foward to now, the reason for this tweet thread. I’ve never talked about any of this publicly but after 3 failed IUIs, a surgery for endometriosis and my ovaries (now only one) & two failed IVF cycles all in the span of a year, I’ve decided I want to start talking about it.
Perhaps because I’m up to my eyes in hormones or because I’m gearing up for IVF 3 and am tired of hiding what has dominated the past year of my life, @zackwhittaker and I decided we wanted to share what goes into making a baby. Because when you can’t naturally it’s really hard.
A big part of my reluctance is I don’t want to publicly share my failings. I don’t want people asking me if I’m pregnant or wondering if a cycle has worked. But I’m also tired of hiding it, and I wish there were more people openly talking about their experience. So I’m doing it.
The only thing that has kept me sane is the stories of other women who have fearlessly shared their pain. Especially those in industries similar to mine. I want to highlight a few that have really help me.
The IVF diaries of @HVaughanJones and @LVaughanJones are a must-watch if going through IVF. It’s educational and validates the emotional pain of infertility. After 18 cycles they just had a baby & @zackwhittaker and I couldn’t be more thrilled for them.
This post from @lingerie_addict about her infertility spoke to me on a deep level. This quote in particular: “I don’t think I ever fully understood how badly I wanted to be a mother. Until I couldn’t.” thelingerieaddict.com/2019/04/infert…
On Instagram both @ExtraPetite & Anna Wang, who’ve shared their journeys between their fashion and food entrepreneurship. Anna also set up an org that gives free socks to those going through treatment & let me say stirrups have never been more comfortable instagram.com/p/B4y276ngGOF/…
I have a lot more to say and I’m sure a lot more threads to share in the future, full of things I wish I had when I started traversing this hellscape. But I’ll end by saying if you’re going through something similar, you’re not alone and my DMs are open. 💚
