Thread by @OSPyoutube

All righty gang I'm tired and headachy and a little under the weather and you know what I could really use tonight? A BAD MOVIE LET'S GO -R

Okiedokes let's lightning round this bad boy -R

ohhh boy

while I prepare myself for the coming storm with some snacks, I must inform you all that my first and only experience with this movie was that trailer they released with half the audio tracks missing

"Dark universe"

buncha knights just buried a guy with what appears to be a cherry ring-pop

why is this mummy movie starting with so much damn england focus

obligatory pause to check the hieroglyphs! The ones on the tomb look legit, and it even appears to have a fragment of the "ankh wedja seneb" phrase for "long life, strength and health", but it's missing the last character so it's just "long life and strength" which almost works

okay princess gets mad her baby brother will inherit the throne, fine, but did she really need to make a deal with Set to gain the power needed to murder an infant who lives in her house?

also obligatory "set was a god of chaos and the desert not EVIL" complaint

seriously… this pact is so unnecessary… it was ancient times, babies died all the time……

"mummified alive"

god this movie wants to be indiana jones so bad

there's a thin line between "endearing character banter" and "nonstop exposition" and this movie blew right the fuck past it

this opening is like… if michael bay directed uncharted… and joss whedon wrote the dialogue on two hours of sleep

so nick is a sergeant in the army, stationed in iraq, and he's violating orders to help himself to valuable treasure and sell it

I'm having trouble here because tom cruise usually plays cool dudes but nick is fully a looting PoS and also kind of a terrible person overall

oh boy I super wanna hear an extended conversation where tom cruise awkwardly defends his one-night-stand prowess after robbing the lady in question and being called on it

not remotely the point, but I'm questioning the logic of this enormous cavernous cistern tomb thing buried under what appears to be twenty feet of loose sand loosed by an airstrike

I thought the exposition was bad but it turns out these characters are just intensely unlikable

also why the hell would their CO send the two treasure-looting dickweasels into the giant egyptian tomb as punishment, obviously they're just stealing shit

heyyyyy if this ancient tomb is a prison for keeping the mummy imprisoned then why do they have a still-functioning counterweight system for bringing her back up

and also why the fuck did nick shoot the counterweight to bring it up, there was literally no reason to do that

hey I think when you find an ancient super inaccessible prison clearly precision-designed to keep whatever's in it contained your first move probably shouldn't be AIRLIFTING THE DAMN THING OUT

lady archaeologist is right, this stupid sarcophagus would've stayed hidden forever if nick hadn't dropped a fuckin missile on it

I should watch the original mummy movie because I'm 98% sure they made nick an enormous dickhead to try and recall the charm of Brendan Fraser as a roguish hero type, but they really shot the moon because instead of charming he's just. the worst

it's not even a regular horror movie and the black guy still died first

everything in this movie that'd be more impactful once is instead done twice, sometimes three times. Vail stabs a guy twice, vail gets shot twice, vail groans over his evil bug bite FOUR times, two conversations about the dumb one night stand - it feels incredibly repetitive

god DAMMIT set is NOT the egyptian god of death that is fucking ANUBIS what is WRONG WITH YOU MOVIE

know what? when x-men: apocalypse had a character speaking ancient egyptian - for ONE LINE - they went out of their way to make it actually RIGHT. Far be it from me to compare that movie favorably to anything, but this mummy lady is just speaking gibberish and I'm SO MAD

every time nick and vain talk it's just… fuckin… repetition, exposition, the same banter back and forth three to five times, and now vain is a cursed zombie haunting him we'll NEVER be rid of the banter

okay I'll give them credit that "setepai" meaning "my chosen" is like… half correct, "stp" is an ideogram for "to choose" but I don't think that ending is right at all

sorry a bunch of stuff happened including a car chase and a mummy fondling tom cruise but these stative conjugations are way more interesting

"my chosen", implying "you were chosen", so it'd probably be stp•t(i) for that, but "you were chosen by me" would be stp•t(i) n js•i, so "setep ti en jes-i", none of this "Satapai" nonsense

also they introduced "doctor jekyll" and I'm SO mad

look is this mummy the ultimate evil or not, you can't have her smooching people to death and then have nick and lady-scientist react with horror at the thought of dissecting her

ha I just realized incarnating set into tom cruise would be the most literal case of whitewashing in hollywood history

sorry movie, you've failed to convince me nick has any redeeming qualities so I'm in camp "why don't you kill him and fix the curse that way"

One person. One person googling "set god of death" would have been enough to fix this entire stupid plothole

jekyll's brilliant plan is to turn nick into the living incarnation of set and then murder him, which is… hilarious… because he'd be a fuckin death god

okay hyde is at least kind of fun to watch, although "you are a younger man" is pretty hilarious cuz tom cruise is two years older than russell crowe

Okay. The glass all exploding and turning into the "sands of egypt" she needs? That's cool. That's fun. But also there's a fuckload of rocks around that could've been vaporized into sand and it would've made just as much sense

fully rehydrated mummy lady sure is lucky they mummified her in the special underwire linen wrappings for maximum lift and separation post-revivification

she got the ring-pop back, now it's time to stab nick

every single fucking line is repeated at least twice, and the least meaningful lines are repeated the most

hey writers, fun fact - a harrowing action scene can be all kinds of dangerous but it's only harrowing for ME if I actually care about the character(s) experiencing it

archaeologist lady drowned in ten seconds flat, new record

does she actually need his consent for the stabbing? she's spending a LOT of time saying "give iiiin" when she could just stab him

oh damn he really got her with the "it's not me it's you" zinger, that's how you know the writing's Top Quality

so he stabs himself instead of her stabbing him, and it…… makes her upset… and shows him stock footage of a sunset… and revives him as a living god with zero tension…… why is she mad? why did this have a different outcome than her stabbing him? what are the rules??

oh cool it had no different outcome but now he Fought From The Inside for five seconds and is totally fine and has super-strength and is smooching the mummy to death which will never stop being Deeply Uncomfortable no matter WHO does it

LINE COUNTER IN JUST THIS ONE MINUTE-LONG BIT:
"Jenny" - 6
"Wake up" - 7
"I'm sorry" - 3

plus a couple bonus "just"s and "please"s for Flavor

ohhh nooo it's Too Dangerous for them to be togetherrrrr now he's an incarnation of a spooky egyptian death goddddd what a shaaaaaaame

man they really thought they were setting up the monster movie avengers didn't they

okay I do like the sandstorm forming behind him as he rides into the desert, that's kinda cute