Thread by @OSPyoutube

All right y'all it may be late but time isn't real and I'm still struggling with how to conceptualize antiheroes, so I think I wanna do some research by watching a movie (preferably a bad one) with an antihero lead! Anyone got suggestions? -R

Oh HELL yes, that was quick and I hate it already. Let's narrow it down! Since I've already watched Deadpool, Venom and Spawn, that leaves us with THESE bad boys -R

Right, I forgot we were in the Keanussance. All right gimme a bit to get some Viewing Snacks together and then I'll see how they mangled my boy John Constantine! -R

Sorry about the delay, I'll take literally any excuse to make a full batch of popcorn. Let's DO THIS -R

This movie's already landed on my shitlist by using plain white helvetica for the exposition -R

Sound designers LOVE using whistling teakettles to make you uneasy and then blindside you with the mundanity of the source. Smort -R

constantine… should be blond…… and english……… not keanu……

SHIA LABEOUF?

Props for a very spooky exorcism to start the movie off -R

You can tell he's an antihero because he smokes and he's rude to his friends -R

This lady just leapt off a church roof t-posing for jesus. It's about the smymbolism ☝️ -R

Very important question: would constantine be as cool if he vaped instead of smoking

Keanu is such a nice and good human being who's only ever used his money and fame for good which is why I deeply regret to say that in this movie he's got the emotional range of a bratz doll -R

Gabriel is… rocking that Androgynous Evil CEO Look 👀

I'm sure all these phones ringing is some kind of spooky demon activity but it just seems like lady cop is being haunted by a total dickhead of a poltergeist

now he's fighting Oogie Boogie without the cloth. Neat

I get it, he's an antihero because he's rude to everyone AND his life sucks. I'm learning so much

Constantine: *gets lung cancer from smoking nonstop his whole adult life*
Constantine: if only there were a way to fix this
Constantine: better try and make every deal I possibly can to save my soul and my life
Constantine: but in the meantime

keanu and the detective lady are both so monotonous, the face acting is okay but the voices are so DULL

On the other hand, this rolling blackout following them down the street is REAL creepy. The horror ambience is good, it's just the acting that's making the experience dubious

I cannot overstate how important VOCAL EMOTING is. I'm goin to sleep here!

Welp, hell looks suitably biblical and horrifying. The CGI hasn't even aged heinously.

I actually read the original Hellblazer run a while back. I don't remember much beyond a general sense of malaise, but I feel like it did a better job of explaining the rules of the supernatural and who all these characters are

I still don't know who this big guy is, how his powers work, or why alcohol is refusing to let him drink it now, but I'm… guessing it's demons

It's utterly crazy to me that constantine exists in the same universe as superman

quality stab-art from the dead guy - also, are we just glossing over the fact that the bodega dude is half-angel or what

okay hellblazer fans can you confirm if I'm remembering this right, the "likes bugs too much" guy had some horrifying bug thing happen in the comics right?

oh good never mind horrifying bug things are happening right now

okay so mister antichrist dude needs divine assistance to cross over which means clearly gabriel is evil as fuck, so I'm digging that Evil CEO Look even more now that I know they're actually evil

cop lady's guilt over denying her sight abilities and leaving her sister to be institutionalized alone is Quality Angst but it's delivered SO BLANDLY

constantine you do NOT have time for a forced romantic subplot KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS

constantine spoilers without context

I know the almost-drowning is obviously part of the getting-your-sight-back process but that doesn't make it any less unpleasant to watch

when I'm signing up to nearly drown I ALSO make sure to wear my laciest black bra and my whitest most see-through tank top, that's just common sense

35 minutes left in the movie and I'm still not entirely clear what's going on

constantine just used a gun to blow up his cigarettes, it's About The Smymbolism

and they're making out, awesome, exactly what this movie needed

okay cop lady muttering "stay in the car, whatever" while frustratedly cocking her gun and going to rescue john is pretty fun but AGAIN THE MONOTONY

lol okay constantine giving a demon his last rites to forcibly send him to heaven as a THREAT is hilarious

demon boi got shot and turned into lettuce and now gabriel is leafblowing him into oblivion. such a spooky movie

John's gun? WACK. His hair? WACK. This shot of his new gf flying backwards through multiple walls and windows? WACK. Gabe? She's tight as FUCK

oh boy, he's going to use… The Chair

this movie is just Bad Shit Happens To Constantine For Nearly Two Hours

oh right I forgot shia was in this movie

I have a question. If full angels/demons can't come to earth, how do they make half-angels and half-demons?

okay why is john surprised that lady-cop has been possessed by the antichrist if that was the whole evil plan anyway

oh boy, more thoroughly horrifying exorcisms and body horror! my faaaaaavorite

chazz just got bounced off the floor and ceiling like a moonball and I guess he's dying?? this movie picks a weird time to make its protagonists fragile

GABE YAY ew get your feet off john

gabe's evil plan is pretty stupid but honestly she could be saying ANYTHING and I wouldn't care because at least she's acting

mammon or whatever is body-horroring his way out of ladycop's general womb region and I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that this movie might be being Weird About Its Female Characters

constantine's cunning plan to kill himself, get satan's attention and convince him to do something about the plot is pretty neat but I prefer his comics canon plan to sell his soul to SO MANY archdemons that his death would rip hell apart in civil war

ugh this satan is so punchable

oh okay so satan fixes his lung cancer so he doesn't float off into heaven merrily flipping him the bird along the way, that's an okay version too

constantine's all better, ladycop is all better, shia's I guess dead in the corner but yay happy ending

"You could've shot me, John. You chose a higher path! Look how well you're doing!"
Yep, that tears it, Gabe is hilarious, best character

always lovely to see two bland people bland their way into a bland relationship with a bland finale to an otherwise nifty story

and now he's NARRATING?!

WAIT HE ISN'T DEAD