Thread by @MarkFrancois12

Extracts from the Plague Diary of Mark ne-Francois-Pepys

Match 28th

Up, and advised that a man be prowling our cul-de-sac in a state of nature with naught but a goat skull atop his head, screaming that because we hath not kept apart the social-distancing of an Osman,

1/10

Satan himself hath brought deliverance. Upon looking from my garret I saw the ghoulish pale fellow urinating in the fuel cap of Widdecombe’s Astra and yonder did spy my Lady Truss, walking the dog I procured her from John Redwood’s illegal puppy farm, and I

2/10

hollering that she might change course, the necroprancer looked up & called me a ‘self-regarding shitingale’. I returned ‘that’s not very nice Mr Rees-Mogg’ and threatened to get my potato-peeler out, but luckily my maid Hartley-Brewer drew curtains on the pallid spectacle

3/10

and distracted me with breakfast; such is panic victualing, a Sugar Puff & Monny ration most meagre.
All the morning till noon organising my cellar of vintage Monster and disinfecting Peperamis, and Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare with young Rishi Sunak, and I hope

4/10

he handle economy better than AK47, for I domed him many times. Lunch of poached Crème Egg and Pringles and from thence, minded to re-roof my electric garage with new straw, but that this is non-essential venturing, it be a most vexing Thatch 22.

5/10

Anon, I begin to feel like the Olympic Torch, for I never go out. Urgent Whatsapp from Isabelle Oakeshot of a most degrading picture of a pig, and remarkable news, that the Johnson does succumb to the Corona and great Dr Hancock is unseated too. How the world doth turn.

6/10

Cometh the hour, cometh the Francois. I did leap into action & ordered Hartley-Brewer prepare my horse, Evoque 2.0 and leave her running on the drive and then did urgently Skype the Johnson and offer to fill the power vacuum better than a Dyson ventilator, but he insisted

7/10

that he would remain as social-media influenza for as long as he was quarantined in his walk-in fridge & that Raab as designated survivor pulls rank on my designated Patriot. I did insist that my body being too small to host the virus, and my service at the Battle of Naseby

8/10

wherein I peeled 500 potatoes and that having been in the TA meant, I wasn’t trained to lose. But he was abnormally repeated and said he had most important work to be getting back to and just before I hung-up asked if I had Rishi Sunak’s COD log-in details.

9/10

So I did return to practising the outstaring of Will Self and asked Hartley Brewer to take my Teenage Ninja Turtles pyjamas to Rees-Mogg in the street, that he might retain a modicum of dignity. Toffee Crisp. Bed.

10/10

https://twitter.com/MarkFrancois12/status/1244149507778056194