Nothing in this world black and white, we were told. Everything that's matters is in shades of grey, we were told. On this day can we just admit that we have been fed a lot of trash? While blacks are in palpable pain watching police violence, whites are shocked by black reaction.
If you're one of those truly shocked by what you see on your screens, you may be white. How do I know? Because I used to be just like you. But something changed for me when I watched the video from Minneapolis of the white police officer's knee on an #AfricanAmerican neck.
Something changed for me when I saw the white police officer #DerekChauvin's knee pressed against #GeorgeFloyd's neck even after the black man begged for his life in an unmistakably desperate voice, telling the officer that he could not breathe. Something finally changed for me.
After many years of watching white police violence against young black men, something finally happened to me. I found myself having difficulty breathing. I felt for the first time that I was being choked out. For so many years my white man's mind
witnessed scenes like this as an outsider. I saw them as things that happen to black people.The scenes made me sad, but I moved on because it wasn't happening to me. But this time I was so tuned in that for just a few brief moments I felt a twinge of pain on the back of my neck.
I was no longer an outsider, an observer, a spectator. For just that brief moment, I experienced the knee of authority on the back of my neck. It didn't just feel physically painful. It felt humiliating and I couldn't just move on.This time it felt like it was happening to me.
Before the execution of #GeorgeFloyd I would look at scenes where a black man was confronted by a white police officer's baton or gun and I would calm down a little too quickly as long as the black man survived. But this time he didn't.
And this time, for the first time, I was to forced to ask, can anything be worse than death? And that forced me to think about where Mr. Floyd and his family, and his ancestors came from and I concluded, yes there probably are worse things than death.
Multiple generations of slavery must be worse. Being told you aren't worthy of having certain jobs, or living in certain neighborhoods, or staying in certain hotels, or eating in certain restaurants or having access to certain schools, or even the vote itself, must be worse.
Being told that the color of your face makes white people think you're unintelligent, immoral, and a threat to the safety of their children, all of those things might very well be worse than death. The police officer's knee on #GeorgeFloyd's neck is still taking my breath away.
I'd like to think that everything can be fixed if all of us just have honest discussions with each other. But after Minneapolis, how do I honestly say to any black person, I know how you feel? Truth is I never did know. I don't know today, and I won't know tomorrow.
My job as a human being is not to insult black people by telling them that I understand their pain, or even that I have moments when watching a hideous video, of feeling the same pain. My job as a human being is to tell the truth.
The truth is I don't ever again want to hear white voices telling black people how they should be feeling, what they should be thinking and how they should be behaving. I am so ashamed of having participated in those kinds of conversations for too long.
I am so ashamed of never saying to a white guest, "What the hell do you know about a black person's experience? You've never walked in their shoes. You've never had a police baton confronting your son's jaw. Your child has never been held hostage to white fear because of color.
You have never been told where to live and where to eat. You've never been told by the motel desk that even though the neon sign outside was flashing vacancy, there was no room at the inn - not for you or your children.
We were once told that nothing in this world is black and white. We were told that by a white person. I have no doubt on this day that the next time someone tells me that I will experience a sharp pain on the back of my neck.
