Thread by @vandroidhelsing

watching twilight for the first time with my baby sister, can’t wait to see them sparkly vamps

I like that she’s carrying a cactus. A little shred of Arizona to take to her new home

Taylor Lautner’s wig is not doing its office

Washington does not look like this even at its cloudiest

hair choices were made in this movie

I didn’t go to high school so for all I know this is how real teenagers are

Oh god the weird suave music when Edward enters

I don’t know what Alice is wearing but it is doing the utmost

*Bella Swann voice* YER FOND OF ME LOBSTER AIN’T YE

There are so many facial expressions happening here. More than you would expect from human beings. Undead or not

The Lighthouse is the only movie I’ve seen Robert Pattinson in so watching Twilight is a trip

everyone in Forks: omg Bella we love you your dad loves you we remembered your favorite food

Bella: given half a chance I would eat your throats

the cinematography makes it impossible to tell the difference between a sunny and a cloudy day which you’d think would…matter

is Edward wearing one of those sweatbands every emo kid wore in 2008

I resent the soundtrack for this movie

Edward asks every question like he’s cross-examining a hostile witness and I don’t understand how I’m supposed to believe in their love

I don’t understand how the van did that. Just like. In physics terms. Trajectories and vectors and such.

Oh yeah I love the optics of the police dad yelling at a young Black man oh hell yeah super into it

okay I know why Edward is gaslighting her out of self-preservation but this conversation could have been handled three thousand times better

Edward: she smells so delicious I can’t trust myself around her

Edward: I need to watch her sleep tho

Edward: totally unsupervised, the two of us

Edward: for reasons

Love him yelling at her for slipping on stuff, as if she can control where slick patches are. Geddit girl. Get that frozen sausage

Why do the cullens sit in the lunch room with one side of the table open like they’re a sitcom family

“What if I’m the bad guy?” A fair question, Edward! Keep asking yourself that!

A genuine lol at Edward saying La Push is crowded and then the cut to the empty beach

I don’t know the specific issues surrounding Meyer’s use of the Quileute people and stories but I do know the issues are there

Why the fuck does Bella capitalize anything while googling

Shopping montage! Bella’s not like other girls! She doesn’t care about dresses!

I don’t remember Port Angeles being like this

Something about the sight of a Volvo roaring to the rescue is inherently hilarious

“I should go back there and rip those guys’ heads off” I see Edward has been watching Let the Right One In

Little sister points out that Bella doesn’t need telepathy to know what the bad guys were thinking because this is reality for girls. You’d think Edward would have picked up on that in his century+ of existence

Love RPatz’s energy go on girl give us nothing

I lol’d when he’s telling her what he sees in people’s heads and the last one is “cat”

I actually really like Bella and Charlie’s relationship which seems believably (though tentatively) loving at the same time as being fraught and uncomfortable

So much googling in this movie

I’m cackling at the vampire google montage. I’m in pain

“How long have you been 17?”
“A while.”
I really like this exchange I just wish it wasn’t immediately followed by the camera going absolutely wild

saying “this is who I am” while glittering is basically my whole deal

I really like the idea of vampires being attractive to draw humans in, especially since it clearly works even if the victim is conscious of it, but like, the movie is just not gonna do anything with that is it

“I’m scared of losing you” Bella honey you can do better

They have had like one conversation? At most? That wasn’t filled with his aggression and self-loathing? I would be afraid of NOT losing him

The sound effect whenever he starts sparkling

Baby sister says she feels “nothing but contempt”

Edward getting out of the Volvo in sunglasses while Mutemath plays made me laugh so hard my throat hurt

Carlisle turning Edward is grotesque and upsetting in a way I didn’t expect and that the movie can’t really support

The Mutemath song playing over this expository sequence is so bizarre. I don’t understand this choice

The part where he’s jumping around her truck and she asks him to act human is the most comfortable I’ve seen them be around each other. More of that please

At this point I’m team Jacob because he and Bella genuinely get along and there’s no pits of self-loathing for her to fall into

a reminder

https://twitter.com/vandroidhelsing/status/1263127695535140865

“Is she even Italian?”
“Her name is Bella.”

I don’t think of Clair de Lune as something you can really dance to? But then I’m not a vampire

Wouldn’t his moving that fast and then stopping suddenly just…liquify Bella

Like I know that is an acceptable break from reality in stories with superpowers but I’m searching for ANYTHING to care about here

I’m gonna have to watch the one where they get married just so I can say “guess he was fond of her lobster”

Truly I keep expecting Edward to go into a homoerotic fugue while dancing a jig

I know this isn’t truly a horror movie but I wish it was scarier and darker. since it’s, you know, about a girl falling in love with a literal predator

Like I was raised in a conservative Christian household, I know the specific queasy scariness of forbidden sexuality that the movie is almost but not quite tapping into

OH IS IT BASEBALL TIME

BASEBALL TIME

I feel pure and unadulterated delight

I unironically love the baseball scene. More movies with superpowered characters should do this kind of thing

I don’t think separating Bella from the group who will protect her is the best idea

oh this scene where she’s leaving her dad is actually upsetting, I was not prepared for this

Followed by Edward forcing himself into the driver’s seat for no reason woooooo love him love himmm

there are as many camera angles as facial expressions

I feel like I’m not supposed to be 100% on Rosalie’s side here but I really really am

I wish James had a more interesting motive than just wanting a snack. I mean vampires are generally just walking appetites anyway but it seems like for storytelling purposes there should be more than “someone took the bag of chips away before I could grab one”

Especially since he’s gone to the trouble of grabbing her mom and all. It just seems like…there should be another aspect

if I were a vampire I would be doing some sick-ass martial arts but all they do is jump around

I cannot summon even a shred of interest in edward’s dilemma over whether to turn Bella or not

Is Bella’s stepdad a himbo

whyyyyyy does she love himmmmmm they never had the slightest scrap of pleasure in each other’s company

I’m retroactively furious that someone once mistook me for Robert Pattinson as Edward

sometimes with cold bad boy characters I’m like “I want to hit his face with my face” but Edward? not so much

there is so much in the notion of vampirism as privilege

like other vampire stories do tie vampirism to wealth and aristocracy and so on but it works differently here where the Cullens are an untouchable 1% and there is no downside to their existence

a human, albeit with some difficulty, can kill dracula or nosferatu, but only another vampire has a chance against the cullens

well that just kind of ends, doesn’t it

I know it’s the first installment of a longer story but it doesn’t feel like anything, it’s as cold and unstructured as leftover tapioca

Like

I wouldn’t say Twilight was actively terrible

Just baffling and loose

Like when you have diarrhea once but you’re not sick and it’s not something you ate and it doesn’t happen again

the biggest problem for me is that a movie about obsessively wanting what will hurt you should have more…blood in it, as it were

anyway despite sniping at it the whole time i actually didn’t hate it. I don’t think it’s good, but I didn’t hate it

we are gonna watch the next one tomorrow, can't wait cannt't'tntnt'tn'tn waaaaaiaattititititittt

somehow our chat devolved into baby sister telling me "with big sexy comes big responsibility", can someone come get her

second movie starts now!

https://twitter.com/vandroidhelsing/status/1313272086761148416?s=20