Thread by @vandroidhelsing

time for baby sister and I to watch New Moon

I wish I could have high hopes but let’s just say after the first one I’m not very

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sanguine

yes I’m sure everyone got the blood puns out of their system back in 2008 or whatever but *I* didn’t

I have a pretty low tolerance for Meaningful Dreams anyway but I gotta say this one is a mediocrity hall of famer

I still love Charlie even if he IS a cop, he’s the only character who feels real

I’m so relieved that the cinematography has pulled back on the blue

“Hello biceps”
The steroid joke would play better if Taylor Lautner hadn’t been forced through hell to get the body he has in these movies

Jacob’s wig is still a mistake

could we lean any harder on the Romeo and Juliet references? I feel like we could

I keep thinking we’re going to cut to Pattinson furiously jerking it to an ivory mermaid figurine, I am having an inverse experience to those who watched Twilight before The Lighthouse

*lips on mic* the Volturi are the tartutic of the Twilight universe

Edward’s overt cruelty has eased up a lot in this movie and I don’t know if that’s character development or just different writing

“Dating an older woman?”
I chuckled sensibly

The cullens creep me out. They feel like a cult, like the imitation of a family

Some of the things that bother me about twilight bother me because I don’t know if they’re intentional, and the weird shimmer-smiled 50s advertising nuclear family of the Cullens is one of those things

I need the movie to decide if vampires are a quasi-natural thing (like mutants in the marvel universe) or actually magical, because otherwise I am not gonna get worked up at all re: the idea of losing one’s soul to vampirism

Jasper looks like if you ran Taran Killam through an Abercrombie Snapchat filter

Why does Edward think he can just go in her room whenever he wannnttssss

one of the reasons the cullens creep me out is that they unquestioningly absorb Bella, they never ask about her life or her friends, they assume she has nothing else in her life but them

Kristen Stewart did not deserve any hate she got for this role, she is nailing this character. The problem is this character sucks

I want to care about their breakup but the first movie put no work into making them even enjoy each other’s company, so I’m just rooting for her to go back to the diner where the waitress knew her favorite dessert

Okay watching Bella sit inside and sulk after “losing” Edward hits different in 2020 when I haven’t seen my family in months. She has her dad. She has friends. She has a town that cares about her and she can go see them in person.

I know it’s not a similar situation at all but
I can’t help getting upset for reasons that have nothing to do with what’s on screen

Jessica deserves a better friend than Bella

Jessica deserves a way better friend than Bella

I know Jacob’s character arc bends toward grossness but right now I am appreciating him

she’s able to relax around him, she doesn’t have to worry about upsetting him, they’re nice to each other, it’s good to see

anyway
burkemuseum.org/static/truth_v…

Charlie is the MVP

He’s a little bit too “if you bring her back late I’ve got a shotgun right here” but like…he cares about her and encourages her and expresses love for her

is Jacob a himbo

I actually really like this whole thing where she’s addicted to provoking visions of Edward. I just worry it’s a dark, troubling thing that’ll ultimately get softened up and made safe

HE PEELS HIS SHIRT OFF TO MOP HER HEAD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

When Jacob slipped his shirt off my sister and I both simultaneously screamed

Wait aren’t mike and Jessica together

What happened there

They’re going to see “Face Punch”? I swear that’s a joke from Community

his punches have the force of faces!!

This scene in the theater is so awkward I can feel my soul shriveling like a tomato in time lapse

“I’m never gonna run right” has very strong WHOOOO IS THAT GIRL IIIII SEEEEE energy but alas Bella is committedly cishet

Mike and Jessica and the rest of Bella’s friends deserve a nice life away from this drama

this is still going on, by the way
mthg.org

I care way more about Jacob and Bella’s “breakup” than hers with Edward because the work was put in!! They liked hanging out! They had fun!

Sister points out that Edward knew he was bad for Bella but stayed anyway, while Jacob knows he’s bad for Bella and leaves. LIKE A GOOD PERSON

Baby sister also says “Edward can go eat a big bowl of butts”

I would say this movie’s treatment of nonwhite characters isn’t great

Did Jacob just call it “La Plush”

Jacob’s clothes just turn into confetti don’t they

I am sooooooooooooo uncomfortable with the portrayal of the Quileute Tribe here. This is making me squirm in my chair

Indigenous people as animalistic bruises? great. love it. no notes 😖

Aw yeah call Bella out on her hypocrisy. It’s automatically monstrous when the wolves do it but not the vamps

Ugh the above should say brutes, obviously. Autocorrect got me

“Your lack of confidence in us is a little insulting.” Yes. Yes it is. You tell her.

I’m not feeling the weird groovy soundtrack choice for Victoria fighting the wolf. It’s more “the night before the big heist” than it is “superhuman warfare”

One thing the movies consistently do well is show how beautiful it is around here

My sister and I every few minutes: “Bella can you not”

RIP Bella Swann, churned to death by the Pacific Ocean

sister just sent me this, captioned “Bella”

Turning into a werewolf isn’t as impressive as magically generating pants

NO NOT HARRY

the Sam and Emily thing is so so gross

nytimes.com/2010/02/08/opi…

Bella, seeing an obvious trap: “it’s fine”

lol @ Alice just standing in the dark by the door waiting for Bella

Oh goddddddddd the way the movie handles werewolves is—I’m cringing out of my skin

You can see the Cullens corroding Bella’s soul every time they show up and I can’t believe that’s not somehow the point

Actual lol at Jacob answering the phone with a calm “Swann residence”

oh I guess we CAN lean harder on Romeo and Juliet

EDWARD FLIES VIRGIN AIRLINES I AM DYING

IT’S ABSTINENCE PORN AND THE MAIN GUY FLIES VIRGIN AIRLINES

hi Michael Sheen always good to see you

so wait the Volturi just have this gigantic palace? do they give tours?

lads it’s time to ✨sparkle✨

Alice’s outfit is very To Catch A Thief and I’m into it

“Celebrating the expulsion of vampires from the city” okay

How is there a half hour left

It has been paused so my sister can get dinner but we will resume shortly

just occurred to me that I think I remember hearing that the Volturi give tours of their palace and then eat the tourists

all things considered I would rather be watching Byzantium

I would love a lot more from this festival honestly. Gimme those statues and robes baybeyyy

*ominously takes shirt off*

THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER BELLA

*takes off shirt to reveal white powdery skin* THIS IS THE SKIN OF A MILLER BELLA

*takes off shirt to reveal red leather* THIS IS THE SKIN OF A THRILLER BELLA

yo Dakota Fanning

How did Alice get through the crowd without attracting attention

LOL OF COURSE THE VOLTURI ELEVATOR PLAYS OPERA

“How can you stand to be so close to her?”
“It’s with difficulty.”
Edward speaks for me but very differently

I am endlessly entertained with the telepaths finding nothing in Bella’s head

I always want more from the fight scenes than the movies are prepared to deliver

They’re just smashing the palace right up

Michael sheen is always having the best time regardless of the role

you know what they say, red eyes in morning, vampires take warning

I feel like Bella’s imperviousness to vampiric gifts is something that could have made the previous movie tighter. Like maybe James is hunting her for some reason related to that

Also if she is immune to their powers why can Alice see her future

So the Volturi just eat entire tour groups? The festival might be a little premature, my dudes

“I wish there had been someone to vote no for me.”
Rosalie. Rosalie I love you.

Rosalie is always right.

I am genuinely upset by Rosalie quietly saying in front of everyone that she wishes someone had voted no for her

That was a very tough moment and the movie just rushes past it

Oh yeah let’s do some masculine posturing let’s do that now

Can we get back to Rosalie

What’s Rosalie up to

Whenever Rosalie isn’t on screen all the other characters should be asking “where’s Rosalie”

Oh it’s over

I like that this one had an actual plot and some sort of emotional through line
I do not like the bizarre whiplash worldbuilding

I also know this movie was not made for me and I am really trying to keep that in mind, but

studybreaks.com/thoughts/twili…

my little sister likes to end movie chats by saying "thoughts, thot?" which I appreciate

Little sister: "WHY DO THE PEOPLE SUCK SO MUCH WAS IT TO GO ALONG WITH THE VAMPIRE THEME????? OF SUCKING???????"

And we are moving right on to Eclipse! I will start a different thread for that, though

Let darkness fall

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