Thread by @vandroidhelsing

after a change of plans the little sister and I are watching Breaking Dawn 1 now, can’t wait to see the end of this saga

can you even call it a saga if nobody rips open their shirt and slaps their bare boob with a sword

break my dawn daddy

*freckle voice* Tuesday twilight me up

Jacob tearing his shirt off over Bella’s wedding invitation is so powerful

Wait her mom is unequivocally excited for her TEENAGE DAUGHTER to get married??

Lol of course a wedding planned by Alice Cullen looks like an IG-ready hipster barn thing

My sister swears Jacob’s pants morphed with the rest of him and I don’t DISBELIEVE her but like, why

I would say it isn’t a GREAT sign when your fiancé seriously tells you that you can still back out

fuck why isn’t this called Bride of Twilight

So Edward used to eat murderers but still feels extremely guilty about that and like, I’m against the death penalty, but I’m puzzled over why he specifically feels so guilty

Edward is genuinely smiling at Bella and bantering with her and this is the most likeable he’s ever been

The wedding dream sequence is just a goth version of Kylie Minogue’s “All The Lovers” video

Charlie in a tux: “I know, I look hot”

Me: °-°

Are all of Bella’s bridesmaids vampires? That we haven’t seen before? Why not any of her friends? I mean Rosalie is one of them I think but like, the DISRESPECT to Jessica

she does NOT look happy to be getting married this is upsetting this is very upsetting, I know it all vanishes when she looks at him, but

I would like to know more about this officiant. And whether Bella ever asked if Edward needed a secular ceremony because of religious symbolism or whatever

They’re doing the “everyone else vanishes” shot that the Keira Knightley pride and prejudice did but like

way worse

I regret to inform you that Jasper is still around

One of the bridesmaid vampires looks like Ivanka Trump I can’t I can’t

Oh good a hideously awkward best man toast oh good

So at the wedding of my old pastor’s daughter one of her bridesmaids made a toast ending in “May all your ups and downs happen in the bedroom” and nearly everyone in the room shriveled into raisins

Alice telling Bella she’ll have to get over her aversion to fashion is the most relatable thing I’ve seen in this series

The toasts are killing me, but that at least is how weddings work, so

To clarify the pastor’s daughter wedding thing, you know how at some weddings one side of the guests are the church people and the other side are miscellaneous? At this wedding both sides were the church people

So the toast nearly Red Weddinged that whole day

Oh Jacob is here. I thought he was too sullen to speak

Oh no I just realized the wedding night scene is coming up and I’m watching this with my baby sister help help help

I don’t understand why vampire sex HAS to be hazardous, they aren’t KLINGONS

I am sipping a light rosé right now and it is NOT enough

The relationship between Charlie and Bella is a little bare bones but it’s still my favorite part of these movies

Wait are you telling me NOBODY knows where Edward is taking Bella?

This music as they head to their honeymoon is so weird. Like I’d expect to hear it in an Ice Age movie

When do we think Edward learned about sex? In his eighties?

“I could use a few human minutes” this series keeps slipping into very very dark, deep undercurrents and then pretending they’re the shallows

I do like her frantic nervous preparation but I’m weirded out by the punk soundtrack

Edward seems like he’s the sort of person who’d thank her for “the gift of her supple breasts” or something

How did he break the bed so fast

I see we aren’t easing into anything

WHY IS THE ENTIRE ROOM TRASHED

WHAT ARE THE SEX LOGISTICS HERE

WAS HE FLINGING HER AROUND LIKE AN INDEPENDENCE DAY ALIEN ON AN AREA 51 SCIENTIST

this whole thing is less sexy than when Willem Dafoe turns into a mermaid under RPatz

MAYBE SHE LIKES THE ROUGH STUFF EDWARD WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

Edward doesn’t want to belong to any club that would have him as a member

I really resent that NOW we get a montage of them just hanging out and enjoying it, but it’s ruined because even this ordinary homemade joy is tainted by Edward’s issues

LEAH IS BACK HI LEAH YOU’RE THE BEST

Bella appears to be eating unseasoned chicken, this is the most horrifying thing that’s happened so far

For a second I thought the thing with slowly tearing at the chicken was her wondering about the violence she’ll personally need to commit to survive but no, it’s just pregnancy

Since she’s so fixated on it I feel like the movies would have benefited from her wondering about the actual realities of vampirism. Asking more questions. Digging into stuff rather than just “oh you kill animals, not people? cool”

How is she planning to cope with the frightful boredom of immortality

They don’t eat normal food, they don’t have any bodily functions besides hunger (AFAIK), what is she planning on doing when the business of living is over?

“Something just moved inside me” it says something weird about this series when the vampirism is far less horrific than the pregnancy

The way the pregnancy is instantly a thing of mystery and terror is kind of the way I want the whole series to have been? She is having such a powerful brew of emotions over it, this ordinary occurrence made horrific, and nothing else has quite matched the power this has

Hell yeah it’s Rosalie

Jacob @ Edward: “YOU DID THIS” uh yeah. obviously

That’s how pregnancy works a lot of the time Jake

How do vampires understand their own history so poorly that they have to search through human legends to get previous examples

This is like the Atlanteans forgetting how to read their own language in The Lost Empire

The soundtrack for this movie is weirdly Battlestar Galactica

The wolves’ telepathy sounds like the seagulls in Finding Nemo

Seems like Jacob is becoming

a lone wolf

🎵just a wolf and vamp
showing the world that a wolf and a vamp can be family
wolf and a vamp🎵

“Being unwanted isn’t exactly a new thing for me” Leah I love you you don’t deserve any of this you deserve HAPPINESS

oh hell yeah it’s time to Yahoo some irrelevant artwork, that’s what I do all day too

My sister doesn’t know about the c-section part, I don’t know if I should warn her

Between wanting to be a vampire (while regarding it as death) and now literally not caring whether she survives this pregnancy, I am seriously worried about Bella’s mental and emotional health

Jacob, always on hand to warm someone up

“It feels complete when you’re here” cut to Edward. My god just be polyamorous just solve this problem

here Bella have a takeout cup full of blood

This whole sequence is fascinating and creepy and troubling and I so wish it was all this level of coruscating weirdness

Charlie, I repeat, does not deserve this

is this camp

Edward telepathically contacting the child and repeating calling them “he” tells me that Renesmee is actually a trans boy

I am not looking forward to the part where Jacob imprints

I finished the rosé and have moved onto a blood orange cider, which wasn’t intentional but feels appropriate

I have seen people pregnant with twins and their bellies didn’t look this, uh, fulsome

Renesmee remains a terrible name

Did her spine just break

Birth time

this is upsetting

C-section, more like.....teeth-section...

My sister: “I ate part of mom so you could be born”

I hope Rosalie licks the baby clean

I mean I don’t really but I almost do

Bella’s hollow-eyed gauntness is just the result of being in this movie

This is like the opposite of when someone gets bitten by a snake and the other characters try to suck the venom out

like the dilithium in the Klingon bird of prey in Star Trek IV, Bella is crystallizing

Seth is a good boy

Oh god I think it’s imprinting time

Oh noooooooooooooo

OH NOOOOOOOOOO

KILL ME

I am laughing in abject horror

What if instead of ANY OF THIS HAPPENING, none of it happened

IS THIS CAMP

There are so many other things that could have happened but instead this happened and I refuse to accept and/or live with it

I do like the washing of Bella’s body and the combing of her hair, as if she’s being prepped for burial

The POP when her spine straightens

Why is this montage of her memories happening and can it stop

I do like the visual of her blood cells getting sheathed in silver venom

Becoming a vampire gave her some great eyeshadow

Well I guess that’s the end

The hell is this upbeat credits sequence

I don’t understand why the credits are right out of a Tarantino movie

“Oh. It’s from Carlisle. Which is spelled with an SSSSSSSSSSSSS”

ARO SAYS “HUMAN” LIKE A FERENGI I’M CRYING

Fuck it we’re doing part 2 as well FUCK. IT.

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