Thread by @vandroidhelsing

time for Breaking Dawn 2: Son of Twilight

Kellen Lutz will forever be Lutz’s nephew to me.

LEE PACE IS IN THIS??

I’m gonna say it. There are too many new characters here

I sort of like the New Enhanced Senses thing except it looks like every other Enhanced Senses thing in every other movie

oh yay they can have sex again TEAR HIM APART BELLA

There is no way to make their superspeed anything but painfully ridiculous

Idk I feel like Edward should have been trying harder to stop her from eating a climber
like, she didn’t, but he was just kind of laissez-faire about whether the guy died or not

oh of course Bella is the Most Special and able to resist killing a person

Also my phone tries to correct “faire” to “Vairë”

“Jake you really do stink” CAN WE NOT

“no Bella I wasn’t attracted to you I was attracted to the egg who would become your daughter”

I sent my sister the video of the animatronic Renesmee and she hates me now

I would like Bella to spare a thought for her parents sometime soon! That would be great!

Are they gonna smash up the cottage in a vampire sex frenzy now

Edward was so worried about literally tearing her apart but this sex scene is so tame you could put it in a Disney movie?

like they didn’t even tear a pillow. they CAN hold back. ALL THE DRAMA LAST TIME WAS UNNECESSARY

I don’t see why they have to pretend Bella is dead right now, they can give her a few years to seem well-preserved and then move

It took the Shire like fifty years to notice anything was up with Bilbo, Bella can certainly stick it out in Forks a decade or so

Jacob just STRIPS in front of Charlie OKAY

Literally he could have just burst through his pants like EVERY OTHER TIME

Oh okay they want Bella to leave because they are worried she will eat her own dad and friends which, okay,

How could a human-seeming psychology survive in the kind of body vampires inhabit?

Is that why vampires rarely have any problem eating humans? Since they no longer dream, their consciousness gets shunted onto a different track, putting them at an even further remove from human beings

How long has she been separated from Charlie? I’m sure the book is really specific but the movies are just like “eh time passed”

Charlie please say Renesmee is a terrible name please say it you are the TRUTHTELLER

Charlie handled all of this better than I could

He didn’t even notice the baby was CGI

I know part of this is probably because she’s a newborn vampire but I hate that Bella is magically The Bestest Vampire Ever, the strongest and most self-controlled and probably the sparkliest

Oh I kind of love that Bella is worried that Renesmee’s rapid growth means she’ll die so much sooner

I want the movie to tease out the threads of class and privilege that seem unconsciously woven into the story but I know it won’t

hello again Michael Sheen it’s been too long

Michael Sheen is like Vincent Price in that he seems to take every role offered him purely because he just enjoys acting for acting’s sake

I feel like Renesmee is too often CGI when you could just…cast successively older actors

They could have brought up the possibility of Renesmee being an immortal child before now, I feel like

Dakota Fanning just straight up killed a kid, okay

Some very LOTResque shots in this movie

TOO MANY NEW CHARACTERS

Well at least we get Rami Malek out of this Assembling The Team montage

Oh sure let’s pull out the Mystical Native Music for the indigenous vampires sure okay sure

HIIIIIIiiiiiIiiii Lee Pace

the Cullens being totally fine with having human-eating friends is the equivalent of Ellen Degeneres hanging out with George Bush

IN THE ABSTRACT I like the idea of a vampiric presence naturally triggering the creation of a balancing force. BUT HERE it’s super gross in the way it involves the Quileute people

THERE’S A VAMPIRE NAMED STEFON THIS MOVIE HAS EVERYTHING

Oh one of the new vampires has an Eastern European accent, this took too long to get to

My sister: “This week’s hottest club is BLÖÖD”

This whole “we’ll stand with you” thing would mean so much if I’d seen ANY of these characters before now

“Soon we would face the dark gifts of Jane.”

The Dark Gifts of Jane is my new band name

I am pretty sure none of this is ultimately gonna matter than much

*that much

I really enjoy that hurting Edward is not enough to get Bella’s powers to activate

I don’t think that’s meant to imply anything I just think it’s funny that it takes so much for her to do ANYTHING for him

I don’t know why Alice wrote her note on a page from The Merchant of Venice but I feel like it’s not the most sensitive move on the part of SMeyer

WAIT wait WAIT is Edward saying that Bella’s full potential was only achieved once she had a family? Because that’s kind of how it sounds to me

Jacob still refers to vampires as bloodsuckers even in Bella’s presence and I don’t think he should apologize for that! They tell him he stinks ALL THE TIME

Charlie should be a little more weirded out by Renesmee’s growth I feel like??

She drives into Seattle but uhhh none of this looks like my city, where the heck is that copper dome

Somehow it’s really funny to me that the Cullens have lovely script and Bella writes like a teen boy

You can tell nobody in this movie is actually from Washington because if they were they would NOT shut up about A) there being snow and B) it snowing on Christmas

I like the subtle background development of Charlie’s life. He still feels real in ways that nobody else does

I ship Jacob and the Rami Malek vampire

What’s Rosalie doing, let’s check in with Rosalie

Why bother developing the Cullens as characters (well, charitably speaking) only to shift focus away from them right when they allegedly should matter most

god this battle just looks like an urban outfitters photoshoot fighting with a Zara photoshoot

the real friends were the vampires you made along the way

Why is Emmett doing anything when Rosalie could be doing things

“I hear her strange heart”

god the LAUGH, is this CAMP, THIS IS CAMP RIGHT

“maaahhgneeefeeeecohhh”

why are vampires so flammable in this universe

I always enjoy when a superpower works by just frowning Very Seriously

My sister and I both heard Aro’s big speech as “only the gnome is tolerable”

slapping Jasper IMO is a perfectly acceptable response to his existence

I know Carlisle’s death is a fakeout but I wish it was real

You’d think Rami could have made himself this useful long before now

“We have the avatar on our side but don’t worry, he won’t think of doing anything until the worst possible time”

There are entire battles in The Lord of the Rings that don’t take this long

Yes let’s pull in the hideously uncomfortable treatment of indigenous peoples again let’s do that

The Volturi’s ridiculous swooping away is…well, it’s ridiculous

Sure

Sure

Okay

Sure

Edward and Bella sure made peace REAL FAST with the whole imprinting thing

I don’t need a flashback montage of every thing that happened before now!!

“Nobody has ever loved anybody as much as I love you.” I GUESS. SURE BELLA.

Why aren’t they glittering

If the twilight movies figured out how to get rid of glitter they are the most powerful force in the universe

Time for a roll call of characters we had literally thirty seconds each with!

so many people whose names are mentioned maybe once or not at all, filmed as if this is the in memoriam section of the oscars

Jessica and Eric and mike are in the credits! Remember them?

90% of these characters are only in this movie for ten seconds at best and 5% of the rest were only in previous movies

I’m so mad because the movies aren’t terrible, they’re just like…aggressively weird and mediocre

The number one thing about the Twilight series is how extremely BIZARRE it is. The things it chooses to accept as normal, the things it chooses to treat as momentous, the SPARKLES

The way it shifts its attention away from things just when they get interesting, in favor of exploring something entirely new and often boring, then dropping THAT when it gets too interesting, lather, rinse, repeat

this sort of dreamlike “well of COURSE that’s how it works” vibe to everything is like Twin Peaks as written by livejournal

I get it, oddly enough? Having seen the movies, I get the fascination with Twilight

I dunno, like, it’s not GOOD, but it’s got its finger on some kind of pulse

this sort of restless fever dream fantasy actually does feel like stuff I wrote as a young teen, come to think of it. the skittering away from certain kinds of intimacy, the intense focus on completely bizarre worldbuilding as if to distract from what’s going on.

also—as a good Christian teen—total monogamy as the end goal of all m/f relationships

though never with this kind of fetishistic interest

anyway that’s all of them. I have a terrible feeling that my sister is going to force us both to read the books now even though she disliked the movies about as much as me

we both, it seems, hate ourselves

AAAAAHAHAHA

I am still mad that Bella was like “sure I’ll be a vampire” and barely seemed to realize her parents still existed and still loved her

Bella’s singleminded pursuit of vampirism at the ultimate expense of every non-Cullen relationship is such a bizarre character trait? why is she written like that, why was she born with Future Cultist stamped on her soul

I guess you could make this mean something about found vs. birth families, chosen community, etc, but there is a huge difference between, like, leaving your homophobic parents for queer friends, and leaving your loving parents TO BECOME AN IMMORTAL BLOODSUCKING MONSTER