Thread by @themultibeast

For a man, “couples therapy" is NOT an effective strategy to heal or fix a relationship.

Short thread here for men who have to go, or might have to go at some point in the future

The couples therrapy format (verbal communication) lends itself entirely to the female imperative of putting her emotional experience before everything else

Deep down, you ALREADY know this

This is another example of our gynocentric culture convincing you that something you know in your bones is “toxic” or something you need to “evolve beyond”.

No. You’re not a woman. You’re a man. You’re different, and that’s a wonderful thing.

Being a better man does not entail becoming a woman, or doing XYZ more like a woman, not matter what they say.

In the case of communication, it doesn't mean communicating MORE LIKE HER. It means communicating in a way that makes her FEEL connected. These are different!

In verbal communication, you are WILDLY outgunned. It’s not even close. Would be the same for her as if we were solving our problems by bareknuckle boxing.

You know in your bones that she needs to see you as a leader, she wants to respect you. You need to be the top of the pyramid, the umbrella she feels safe underneath.

So how does it look when you ah have to go running to some other man (or a woman) when something goes wrong?

Talk about digging your own grave

But if she’s hell bent, and not going would mean it’s over, GO

Go and be present

It IS an opportunity to listen (it is not the ideal one, but it might be your only one), validate her emotions, and practice frame.

Just BE CAREFUL:

1) Recognize when what you share has the possibility of making her feel unsafe, and hold that back

That includes expressing ANY insecurity about yourself physically, financially, or especially emotionally

This will only validate what she already thinks - that you’re weak

That's the real reason youre there

Don’t get caught in the trap that what she wants is a more emotional man and in therapy you’re safe to “let it all out”

She does NOT want more emotion from you. She wants to FEEL more connected, this is different. Confusing these can be fatal

Women and beta men that tell you “being vulnerable is not weak”

They are wrong, and you know this. Don’t be tempted. When you show weakness she withdraws, especially sexually, EVERY time. Listen to that.

It can be hard to believe everyone is lying to you, but they don’t know, because women don’t even know this about themselves

And they'll tell you it's sexist to believe that

Yes, you have to risk "being sexist" to actually connect with her

Where are your balls?

2) Don’t try to argue ANY points, about ANYTHING, ever.

What happened, or whose right, is completely and totally irrelevant. Therapy is NOT the place for you to go get support for your version of what’s happening.

All that’s relevant is how she “feels” and whether or not you can see it and validate it. That’s all therapy is.

Can you f**kng see how she’s feeling and validate it??

Listen to her speak and ask yourself “what emotions are running through her?”

Respond with minimal words, but the words you do speak should VALIDATE her feelings.

“I think you’re right to feel that”
“I can see how that makes you feel, I’m with you”

Use eye contact, good body posture, connect with your energy. Words will most likely fail you

3) Remember that entire thing is NOT about you

As Bill Burr said “Marriage is about her and her emotions. No one gives a F about you man"

Deal with that, get a crew of men around you, go have adventures, cultivate emotional and mental strength, be a better man.

Yes, all that takes time. You should expect 1 month of dedication to your personal development plan per year together to see results

Outside of therapy, build yourself, learn dread game (this is poorly named), focus on your mission, STFU, read, be attractive...

... don’t be unattractive, be busy, get fit, make money, have mystery about you, focus on yourself for YOURSELF, NOT for some covert contract to get her back

Think of her as already gone


You can’t chase a cat, but iff you have what a cat wants, it comes to you

And if you absolutely must go to therapy, and get a choice in who to go to, choose @dovidfeldman, who probably disagrees with most of this post, but IMO from what I know if him is trustworthy when marriage is on the line.

All credit for this insight goes to @_Rian_Stone and his brilliant video, which I consider required viewing