Thread by @XivTroy

I wish more people understood how important communication is. Let me tell you a story:

In 2018, I went on a rather edifying date. She was funny, laughed like a baby, and had the largest, prettiest set of eyes I am yet to see. We'd been talking over the phone for months prior.

I knew at the time, she was dealing with heartbreak. But so was I. We were both rather cautious - justifiably so. At some point, she started talking about her ex & I encouraged it. I didn't give much in return except mumbling, but in my mind, the sirens came on. "Run! Run! Run!".

I felt she was still clinging on to the ex. I thought, "she is so comfortable talking to me about her ex, she must be committing to the friend zone". Personally, I'd never mention my ex on such a date, even though I was still hurting. I was gauging her communication on my metrics

At that point, I shut down. I stopped listening, made some mental calculations, & determined flight was my best play. I was wary of rejection, & her speaking candidly about her ex in the present tense, felt like a rejection: like she was hoping he'd come back. I felt inadequate.

I escorted her to the bus stage & she was looking into my eyes, not wanting to go, & I really liked her, & I wanted to hug her so bad, but I don't do PDA. It would take some learning. After lingering for a while, she finally left. And now came the next part...

She got home, & informed me. I was reading too much into the texts at the time because of the sirens in my head & at that point, I felt that her texts had grown colder. So I did what I do best when there is imminent pain. I told her I liked her, but that I was leaving.

I said that I felt she was still stuck on her ex, & that I was not going to be an option. She said it's okay. That she understood. That, she still wished we'd be friends though. I said I needed time away. Mind you at this time I also had someone I was seeing informally/sexually.

I had told my date about it, she asked if I was going back to her now & I said yes. I went back to my FWB dejected at having lost this woman who rejected me.

Flash forward, a year later, we meet up, & we're talking. You'll be shocked at how much is lost in translation.

I tell her I felt rejected. She says, she felt the same.

1. I say you kept talking about your ex, she says you asked me to. It occurs to me that I actually did & that my only issue is that she took it up, while I'd have declined. Because I don't talk about how I feel.

2. I say you sounded different when you got home. She said you didn't hug me when leaving yet we had enjoyed the date. She is used to being hugged when liked. I say I wanted to so bad and the only reason I didn't is coz I'm shy & awkward in public. She's shocked.

3. I say but when I said, I was leaving, you didn't stop me. She says you made that decision without involving me. You didn't ask to know how I felt about you. You just stated it, & decided you would leave. I had to accept my place in your life. I thought, Oh my God!

4. I say but USUALLY, the dates text back immediately they get home to say "I really enjoyed your company. And I had a great time. And I look forward to many more". She asked, "have you ever initiated that text?" This woman has an answer for everything! 🤨

5. I say, but we were talking sex on the date & I asked if we could fuck on the date & you said no. She said, first of all, I don't talk sex with every man I go out with. It takes some level of comfort. I said I didn't know that. So I felt rejected. She was shocked.

6. I say to her, you implied that you'd be going out on dates with other men even after our date. Why did you need to go out on dates with other men when we were going out? I say I felt like a bitch being paraded. Like I had to compete for your affection. She was shocked...

7. She says, 1st of all. There was no way you were going to ask for sex & have me say yes without any commitment whatsoever. I don't roll like that. I say fair enough, but you should have at least given me hope. She says, well you should have shown more commitment...🙄

8. She says, on the issue of the dates, "T. you were ACTUALLY sleeping with another woman at the time. You did not ask me to be your girlfriend. But I should sit around, & wait for you to make up your mind, as you enjoy sex on the side. But I cannot go on dates?!". I was shocked!

9. She was right. If I'd wanted her enough, I'd have told her I wanted her to be my girlfriend. But I had told her I liked her and felt that was enough. Because somehow, I still needed to make up my mind. And in the meantime enjoy the benefits of my other FWB.

And that is how close we come to relationships with people we actually like. We fly so close but lose so much in translation. If you miss one strand - one sentence - the whole dynamic changes. Communication isn't a privilege in relationships, it is its lifeline. Lose it, lose out