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Coercive Control & Recovering From Trauma

11 Feb, 9 tweets, 3 min read

Right at the beginning of the relationship, which I now know to be what is known as #lovebombing - that phase where they put you on a pedestal and shower you with love and attention - he made me a cake.

THREAD
#coercivecontrol

He told me he had never made anyone a cake before, because he had never loved anyone enough to even want to try.
He wanted to do MORE than just buy me a cake, which is what he said everyone did.

He wanted to MAKE me a cake. For my birthday.

With his own hands.

He didn’t even own a wooden spoon, a spatula, a mixing bowl or cake tins.

He bought them all from the lovely cook shop selling fancy bakeware.

I remember that he made a big thing about baking me this birthday cake and he didn’t want to bring it to me fully assembled, in case it met a mishap on the car journey.

He wanted to assemble the cake at my house.

He transported everything in the plastic carrier bag from the fancy cook shop.

The cakes were still in their tins. He brought the mixing bowl with which to mix the icing and he even brought the spatula.

A few years later, I would mention the cake and how lovely it was that he had gone to ALL THAT EFFORT.

He was FURIOUS that I had brought up the cake and denied ever baking it.

He called me a liar. Told me I had made it all up. I was sick in the head and why would I think he would make ME a cake when I was nothing special? Who the hell did I think I was?

I remember being really stung by his words and the viciousness of them.
I was deeply hurt that he had told me I was not worth baking a cake for and how arrogant and full of myself must I have been to have assumed that I was?

Except he DID bake me a cake.

This would not be the only time he denied doing something for me and tried to make me believe that he hadn’t done it because I wasn’t worthy enough and then try and tell me that I was imagining it, or mentally ill.

Gaslighting comes in all guises.

#coercivecontrol

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More from @CCCBuryStEd

Coercive Control & Recovering From Trauma

@CCCBuryStEd

13 Feb

A lot of women get in touch to ask me about #coercivecontrol and come to the conclusion that their partner is controlling, but not abusive enough that they want to leave.

So when is the right time to leave?

A THREAD

Is it when he calls you an ugly bitch the first time?
Or do you wait for him to call you it again?
Or do you wait until he has so completely undermined your sense of self worth that you don’t think you can leave?

Is it when he says that no one will love you like he does?

Or do you wait until he says that no one else COULD love you.

Or that you are unloveable?

Read 13 tweets

Coercive Control & Recovering From Trauma

@CCCBuryStEd

13 Feb

As Valentines Day is coming up, this is worth pondering on.

Don’t go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person.

If you think they need to change, it’s not the right relationship.

Don’t think they’ll change for you when they’re more committed/ married.

If they’re not * it* already, it’s not going to happen.

Read 8 tweets

Coercive Control & Recovering From Trauma

@CCCBuryStEd

12 Feb

Whenever there is a conversation about rape, the making of false allegations are often, if not usually, brought up.

Let’s talk about what USUALLY happens when women are raped by their partners or husbands.

By the fathers of their children.

NOTHING. NOTHING HAPPENS.

THREAD

This gets rarely talked about.
Women don’t report the rape BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO RUIN THE MAN’S LIFE

Because it’s not any man. It’s their partner, their husband.
It’s the father to their children.

Women don’t report because, if they DO speak about it with someone in their family, THEY ARE TOLD NOT TO REPORT.

They are told it will break up the family

They are told it will ruin his life.

They are told it will damage the children, if the children know their father raped.

Read 13 tweets

Coercive Control & Recovering From Trauma

@CCCBuryStEd

26 Sep 20

@stiveschambers

Recently listened to a really informative webinar on #parentalalienation hosted by @stiveschambers.

The link for the webinar is here:

Below is a THREAD of the salient points:
#familycourt
#children

What is #parentalalienation ?

According to Dr Joyanna Sillberg:
There is no universal definition. We need to parse the terms into all of its component parts:
- Do parents disparage children?
- What is the effect of parents going through divorce , who disparage children?

- Which children are most affected by that?
- HOW are they affected?
- What are the best treatments for children who are affected?

Read 148 tweets

Coercive Control & Recovering From Trauma

@CCCBuryStEd

25 Sep 20

I know quite a few individuals who have been abused by their partners. The abuse has been emotional, psychological and controlling and has had an effect on their self-esteem.

But they are not in fear of their partner.

THREAD

They want to stay in the relationship. They say they love their partner but they don’t love the behaviour.

Their partners are willing to address their abusive behaviour- in order to save the relationship.

But this is the problem:

Even though the partner has acknowledged their abusive behaviour and has done/is doing the work to address this, their partner is unable to move beyond it and is consumed with anger.

Read 5 tweets

Coercive Control & Recovering From Trauma

@CCCBuryStEd

25 Sep 20

I don’t think it’s helpful to ask/expect anyone who has faced mistreatment or injustice to forgive.

Forgiveness means absolving them for their actions and although we may no longer be vested in a need for them to be held accountable, that is a different thing entirely.

THREAD

Expecting forgiveness is another way of asking someone to
*let it drop*

In other words, we no longer want to hear it, we have moved on and we expect the person who has not, to move on too.

Simply put, *forgiveness* makes it more pleasant for everyone else.

Neither do we want to remain either angry, consumed without hatred or a need for vengeance/revenge.

All of these states- whilst part of the process of coming to terms with all forms of betrayal, are not healthy when we become stuck in them and unable to move beyond.

Read 7 tweets

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