Whenever there is a conversation about rape, the making of false allegations are often, if not usually, brought up.

Let’s talk about what USUALLY happens when women are raped by their partners or husbands.

By the fathers of their children.

NOTHING. NOTHING HAPPENS.

THREAD
This gets rarely talked about.
Women don’t report the rape BECAUSE THEY DON’T WANT TO RUIN THE MAN’S LIFE

Because it’s not any man. It’s their partner, their husband.
It’s the father to their children.
Women don’t report because, if they DO speak about it with someone in their family, THEY ARE TOLD NOT TO REPORT.

They are told it will break up the family

They are told it will ruin his life.

They are told it will damage the children, if the children know their father raped.
They are told it will bring shame on the family.

They are told that everyone will know about something that should be kept private.

They are told it will be published in all the newspapers and everyone will know about what happened.
They are told “ You can’t let the children think their father is a rapist.”
Or: “ How can it be rape when you’ve already had sex?”

Or: “ You’ll never be able to prove it”

Or: “ You don’t have any proof”

Or: “ It’s his word against yours and who do YOU think a jury will believe ?”

The implication is that they won’t believe you.
And to make the case for NOT reporting stronger, you will be told :

“ It’s too stressful for you. You’d never cope with a trial”
“ If he doesn’t get convicted he will be REALLY angry”
“ Think of how angry he will be when he gets out of prison. He will never forgive you.”
You are told to ‘ get over it’

“ You’re married, you’ve already had sex hundreds of times, why is this so different?”

“ It can’t have been that bad. We all have had sex when we didn’t want it. You do that for the person you love.”
You are made to feel guilty for the children:

“You need to put the children first and not damage their relationship with their father.”

“ All their friends will know their father is a rapist. How is that fair to them?”

“ You’re not thinking of how this will affect the kids”
You are told:

“ But what happens at Christmas? Are we just not supposed to talk to him? “

“ It will ruin family celebrations like weddings.”

“ It would kill his mother.”
I can’t begin to tell you the number of women I have spoken to who haven’t reported because of the above.

Women who have been raped and aren’t talking to their daughters about how their boyfriend, partner, husband might rape them and what to do of it happens.
Because society silences women who’ve been raped by their partners and husbands.

Because their families often silence them- if they talk about it at all.

And so they silence themselves.
Because there is more concern for what could happen to the rapist and how it could impact him detrimentally than there is for the partner or wife he raped.

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More from @CCCBuryStEd

13 Feb
A lot of women get in touch to ask me about #coercivecontrol and come to the conclusion that their partner is controlling, but not abusive enough that they want to leave.

So when is the right time to leave?

A THREAD
Is it when he calls you an ugly bitch the first time?
Or do you wait for him to call you it again?
Or do you wait until he has so completely undermined your sense of self worth that you don’t think you can leave?
Is it when he says that no one will love you like he does?

Or do you wait until he says that no one else COULD love you.

Or that you are unloveable?
Read 13 tweets
13 Feb
As Valentines Day is coming up, this is worth pondering on.
Don’t go into a relationship thinking you can change the other person.

If you think they need to change, it’s not the right relationship.
Don’t think they’ll change for you when they’re more committed/ married.

If they’re not * it* already, it’s not going to happen.
Read 8 tweets
11 Feb
Right at the beginning of the relationship, which I now know to be what is known as #lovebombing - that phase where they put you on a pedestal and shower you with love and attention - he made me a cake.

THREAD
#coercivecontrol
He told me he had never made anyone a cake before, because he had never loved anyone enough to even want to try.
He wanted to do MORE than just buy me a cake, which is what he said everyone did.

He wanted to MAKE me a cake. For my birthday.

With his own hands.
He didn’t even own a wooden spoon, a spatula, a mixing bowl or cake tins.

He bought them all from the lovely cook shop selling fancy bakeware.
Read 9 tweets
26 Sep 20
Recently listened to a really informative webinar on #parentalalienation hosted by @stiveschambers.

The link for the webinar is here:

Below is a THREAD of the salient points:
#familycourt
#children
What is #parentalalienation ?

According to Dr Joyanna Sillberg:
There is no universal definition. We need to parse the terms into all of its component parts:
- Do parents disparage children?
- What is the effect of parents going through divorce , who disparage children?
- Which children are most affected by that?
- HOW are they affected?
- What are the best treatments for children who are affected?
Read 148 tweets
25 Sep 20
I know quite a few individuals who have been abused by their partners. The abuse has been emotional, psychological and controlling and has had an effect on their self-esteem.

But they are not in fear of their partner.

THREAD
They want to stay in the relationship. They say they love their partner but they don’t love the behaviour.

Their partners are willing to address their abusive behaviour- in order to save the relationship.
But this is the problem:

Even though the partner has acknowledged their abusive behaviour and has done/is doing the work to address this, their partner is unable to move beyond it and is consumed with anger.
Read 5 tweets
25 Sep 20
I don’t think it’s helpful to ask/expect anyone who has faced mistreatment or injustice to forgive.

Forgiveness means absolving them for their actions and although we may no longer be vested in a need for them to be held accountable, that is a different thing entirely.

THREAD
Expecting forgiveness is another way of asking someone to
*let it drop*

In other words, we no longer want to hear it, we have moved on and we expect the person who has not, to move on too.

Simply put, *forgiveness* makes it more pleasant for everyone else.
Neither do we want to remain either angry, consumed without hatred or a need for vengeance/revenge.

All of these states- whilst part of the process of coming to terms with all forms of betrayal, are not healthy when we become stuck in them and unable to move beyond.
Read 7 tweets

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