A lot of women get in touch to ask me about #coercivecontrol and come to the conclusion that their partner is controlling, but not abusive enough that they want to leave.
So when is the right time to leave?
A THREAD
Is it when he calls you an ugly bitch the first time?
Or do you wait for him to call you it again?
Or do you wait until he has so completely undermined your sense of self worth that you don’t think you can leave?
Is it when he says that no one will love you like he does?
Or do you wait until he says that no one else COULD love you.
Right at the beginning of the relationship, which I now know to be what is known as #lovebombing - that phase where they put you on a pedestal and shower you with love and attention - he made me a cake.
He told me he had never made anyone a cake before, because he had never loved anyone enough to even want to try.
He wanted to do MORE than just buy me a cake, which is what he said everyone did.
He wanted to MAKE me a cake. For my birthday.
With his own hands.
He didn’t even own a wooden spoon, a spatula, a mixing bowl or cake tins.
He bought them all from the lovely cook shop selling fancy bakeware.
According to Dr Joyanna Sillberg:
There is no universal definition. We need to parse the terms into all of its component parts:
- Do parents disparage children?
- What is the effect of parents going through divorce , who disparage children?
- Which children are most affected by that?
- HOW are they affected?
- What are the best treatments for children who are affected?
I know quite a few individuals who have been abused by their partners. The abuse has been emotional, psychological and controlling and has had an effect on their self-esteem.
But they are not in fear of their partner.
THREAD
They want to stay in the relationship. They say they love their partner but they don’t love the behaviour.
Their partners are willing to address their abusive behaviour- in order to save the relationship.
But this is the problem:
Even though the partner has acknowledged their abusive behaviour and has done/is doing the work to address this, their partner is unable to move beyond it and is consumed with anger.
I don’t think it’s helpful to ask/expect anyone who has faced mistreatment or injustice to forgive.
Forgiveness means absolving them for their actions and although we may no longer be vested in a need for them to be held accountable, that is a different thing entirely.
THREAD
Expecting forgiveness is another way of asking someone to
*let it drop*
In other words, we no longer want to hear it, we have moved on and we expect the person who has not, to move on too.
Simply put, *forgiveness* makes it more pleasant for everyone else.
Neither do we want to remain either angry, consumed without hatred or a need for vengeance/revenge.
All of these states- whilst part of the process of coming to terms with all forms of betrayal, are not healthy when we become stuck in them and unable to move beyond.