Thread by @usnehal

Sometimes you need a physician-child to physician-child call. “I hope you know none of this is your fault.”

Thankfully I have been really effective at not going down dark paths of coulda shoulda woulda.

I helped Daddy stay in right frame of mind.

We live in shaming society.

Still, it meant a lot that someone I went to school with called with that, likely sharing what he knows from loss of a parent as well.

The people who have lost a parent get it.

I can see why there are grief circles.

Some people get it.

People outside of clinical medicine (or even in it) also can assume doctors have unending power, privilege, access.

One auntie “with your girls as daughters I assumed she had the best of everything.” She likely did not hear what she said to a grieving daughter. Implies failure.

First of all, my mother was her own person and she had a very good reason to be skeptical of the medical system and there was so much disinformation and disrupted public health, that she very cautiously wanted to assess all the evidence and did not like to rush into anything.

Those traits are what made her an amazing mother are particularly to a creative, messy, daydreamy, passionate ADHD-ish daughter like me. They did not align with “open vial 40 minutes away!!! Jump in a car NOW!!!!!!” scarcity & competition approach to vaccines.

We respected her intelligence and autonomy. We did not swoop in with “I am your doctor daughter, here to save the day and tell you what to do.” Mommy needed no one to save her of be paternalistic. “Best” is what an individual chooses is best per guidelines/data + own values.

Mommy was the rare woman who lived and died by her own values. To the end she controlled and managed her own assets. She knew her rights. She never sought protection from anyone. Never asked any favors. She trusted herself. She trusted God. She had quiet dignity and a sharp mind.

@threadreaderapp please unroll