Thread by @usnehal

My mother’s aunt just passed away. That was the last of the old guard. Please pray for her soul.

Thank you for the condolences.

Without going into too many details, we had always lived in different countries and I knew of her more than knew her.

There is an awareness of loss because South Asian and Muslim women do not often tell their stories.

I am disrupting (yet again) with all my social media posting because it goes against so many cultural and family values.

So many ppl have asked me when I will publish a book, novel. I can’t tell “my” stories without affecting others.

And no, that is not always oppression.

The mindset of thinking about others first or community wellbeing is why my family has stringently observed #COVID19 safety and #publichealth mandates. I had not seen my own mother in 14 months.

All things Eastern are not always bad, tho different from Western or American.

As well as caring for elders. I was in an Uber to get my 2nd vaccine shot and the older guy was going on (“complimenting” me I think) on how immigrants need to “learn English” and I redirected him with how elderly are assets to society, that respect is a gap in American culture

Because this is the rare time I am taking my mother’s advice. I am taking care of me.

I had no choice but to take that Uber (17 min wait). I needed to get to my my vaccine appointment.

His entry into my brain was an option I controlled.

I built a (mental) wall. 😉

He was also complaining of Uber app dinging him and it not being fair if he did not respond they cut him off. Having assessed his philosophy (individual merit), I said, “Yeah, it is a model based on competition.”

He did not seem to get it. But the contradiction amused me.

Anyhow, thank you for all the support.

I am managing my brain and emotions a bit like how you manage a 14-center FQHC or a busy day in ED. Everything is always on fire. You have selective focus and save your energy where you can.

Find spaces to process. Titrate vulnerability.

No matter what the silly coaching and leadership types (vs wise ones), tell you..

vulnerability IS vulnerability

as we saw today with 6 Asian women killed.

People identify vulnerability and target (kill) you.

How many touting “vulnerability” are BIPOC? (Few/none)

These women whose stories are being lost to the world, to me, it is a wake up call

Who made me who I am today?
Who shares my strength & risk profile?
Whose voices do I nurture inside & whose do I not allow in?

Who has my back?
Who is at my side when my back is against a wall?

One thing some of us have is knowing our names, our heritage.

That is what has been stolen from those enslaved.

And if I have this blessing, I need to embrace it. Whether I tell some stories in public, just to myself, or in certain spaces, I need to tell these stories.

In telling the stories, I can soften some edges. But I can look directly at certain things we sometimes avoid in life. Were there things the last generations of women internalized and we can choose to keep or not? It is not rejection or loving them less. It is honoring their love

I have been discussing with friends who had a parental loss sharing how to navigate the gap individually, authentically

but also how old relationships may grow in new ways.

No to be cheesy, but you know music can help. And this kinda applies.

I’m thinking about this on so many levels. There are actual things. The things spur memories. The things have crossed continents back and forth (as I call myself a human ping pong ball). But things also weigh me down and overwhelm me on regular days (ADHD traits).

I can choose a number of paths forward. Not all choices are permanent.

Death is not permanent if one has faith. Mommy studied the romantics. Her uncle taught Literature as a professor. On a recent trip to Pakistan a newly made friend told me about learning Donne from him.

This does not apply as it is an unrequited love.

But to an extent isn’t that the filial bond? Your parents likely will depart from this world before you.

I told Mommy I hoped she would stay but I also understood if she had to go, if God called.

Mommy did not stop. She was doing as much as she could until the end. I think sometimes we remembered her prior self and maybe did not give her enough credit for all she still did. She always did the best she could with what she had. And that was often brilliant and generous.

She would not want me to stop either. This song was always her and me. She was the deep thinking, plan ahead introvert with deep values, consistent logic, idealism balanced with logic who supported me to be my best self even when opposite from her.

I still am feverish & headachy from the vaccine. So going to take ibuprofen & go to sleep.

@threadreaderapp please unroll