Here, I picked this for you. It will being you good luck. A 5 leaf clover
Gotta come get it though. A selfie
Bring*

Apparently I'm not lucky enough to escape autocomplete.

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More from @snickelsox

4 Jul
Lich: Well done adventurers, you passed the test!

Cleric: What?

L: You've been deemed worthy to complete an epic quest!

C: Another one? We're already on a quest.

L: Huh?

C: A string of them. A king, a dragon, the goblin queen, a talking spider. Quests all the way down!
#DnD
C: I'm beginning to think we will never see the end of these quests.

L: Oh, uhh...

C: It's almost like we're just being kept busy with a string of endless tasks.

L: No no, that can't b-

C: But why would someone want to keep us busy with all these tasks?

L: Uhh...
C: Alright Lich, tell us what is going on.

L: N-nothing brave adventurers! Now about my quest...

C: I have the Archbane Deatheater Mace. Don't make me use it.

L: *tch* And you wonder why we would want to keep you busy.

C: Excuse me?

L: Adventurers can't be left unattended.
Read 6 tweets
4 Jul
I have unlocked a powerful secret. It's almost like flavored boba. A bottle of mio water flavoring and a bag of chia seeds. San
Approximately 60 calories, very filling, and damn tasty. Chia seeds have also been shown to be a really good supplement to your regular diet.
I know this isn't what you came here for, I just felt like I cheated the system and wanted to share.
Read 4 tweets
20 Jun
Barbarian: Alright, a deal is a deal. I participated in one of your church services. Now you must come to my holy place and do the same.

Cleric: This is a gym.

B: Please, partake of the ritual sacrament.

C: This is a protein shake.

B: Hallowed be our gains.
#DnD
B: Now, bend your knees.

C: Are we praying?

B: Not yet, but you will. Squats are our most cherished mortification.

C: What are we offering this pain to?

B: The holiest of temples, your body. Come back up.

C: *grunts* Oh wow, this is awful. Are we done?

B: *laughs in reps*
*much later*
B: Well, how do you feel?

C: I am a vessel of pain.

B: Excellent. That is your temple being purged of evils. Rest, for we worship again tomorrow.

C: What!? I only go to church once a week!

B: You lack devotion. We will build piety into your chest and back.
Read 6 tweets
7 Apr
Druid: I need your help.

Necromancer: Oooh? A secret plot?

D: Sure. Take this shovel, I'll explain on the way.

*later*

Cleric: Ok, spill. You've been disappearing for weeks. Has the necromancer corrupted you?

D: No, the opposite!

N: We made an underground greenhouse!
#DnD
Cleric: Let me guess, on a graveyard?

Necromancer: Adjacent.

Druid: The soil is very good there.

C: What!? That's disgusting!

N: Efficient.

C: Sacrilegious!

D: Ecologically beneficial. Here, try these tomatoes.

C: I'm not eating your death tomatoes!

D: Your loss.
D: How do you think the circle of life works? Death and rebirth, or reuse, is a natural part.

N: It turns out I am an important bit of that process!

C: But you cheat death!

N: No, I just understand it on a different level. It's an ocean of energy, not a river of consciousness.
Read 10 tweets
5 Apr
Fighter: I'm boooored.

Barbarian: Want to fight a dragon?

F: No.

B: Train?

F: Naw.

B: Anything you want to do?

F: I don't want to do anything. I'm just... blech.

B: Let's go bully some goblins. You love bullying goblins.

F: I do not!

B: I think the goblins disagree.
#DnD
B: Alright friend, let's go do something.

F: I really don't want to.

B: I know and that's why we must.

F: What would you know about this? You're always angry or whatever.

B: I am not but I could be now.

F: Sorry.

B: Don't be. The monster you face now is powerful indeed.
F: What? I'm not fighting, I'm just sad.

B: I know sad, this is not simply sad. You think I am only rage but that is not true. To derive power like mine from an emotion, one must understand their own on an intimate level. I am not just rage. I am sad, I am happy, I am compassion
Read 11 tweets
10 Mar
Halfling: And this one we age in volcanic rock until it can vote.

Elf: You halflings certainly have a... lot of cheeses.

H: You don't even know! There's Mulshoot, Shadow Cheddar, Wormmilk, Bear, Bramblemold, Ashkiln, Angry Mozzarella, Uncheese, Underswiss, Ga-

E: Please.
#DnD
H: Oh, sorry. As a cheesesmith I can get a little carried away.

E: What's your most dangerous cheese?

H: Dangerous? Reaper Blend. It's a mix of demon's milk, fireball spells, and a... well, there are some proprietary ingredients.

E: Can I try it.

H: You'll literally die.
E: I've tried all of the elven cheeses. I think I'll be fine.

H: I've had your "cheese flavored products" and, no, you won't be. Let's start with Mycomunster.

E: Will it kill me?

H: No but it will let you commune with the universe.

E: Is it spicy?

H: To your tastes? Very.
Read 4 tweets

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