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Sounds About Right 🌯

27 Jul, 165 tweets, 17 min read

https://twitter.com/soundsaboutrig4/status/1414454128185528323

So tonight I’m going watching Highlander 2. I have never seen this. Just random scenes.

But I know that it basically shits all over the original.

Which I reviewed here.

https://twitter.com/soundsaboutrig4/status/1414454128185528323

I know there are multiple edits. No clue which one this is.

It stars Highlander, Connery, Dr Cox, and the always amazing Michael Steelside.

The year is 2024 and the earth has been proper fucked by pollution. Remember. This was a@fictional take 30 years ago.

Now we just call it inevitable and drive our SUVs.

We start at an Opera. Already I’m out.

I can watch the destruction of one of my most beloved 80s action movies, but I refuse to watch La Boheme.

This movie lacks the Kurgan. Ya know. The best part of the first.

Opera singing. I think she’s saying “There can only be one, unless the film becomes financially successful and greedy dbags decide to make awful sequels.”

It’s in Italian, so I’m just guessing here.

Highlander is in the box seat passed out. He wakes up and eye fucks some dude with his opera binoculars.

Oh. As we wait. Just a reminder that all the immortals but Highlander died and he was allowed to become mortal and have kids while hearing everyone’s dumb thoughts.

Basically, he got the short end of the stick.

Oh, Jesus. Sean Connery is back in the porta-potty talking. This time directly to Highlander.

“Remember you’re a wizard, Highlander!!”

Holy fuck. It’s Dune!!

A bunch of robed people are congregating in the desert to@some wack ass building. The kind of place you’d get shanked in.

Oh, fuck. No. No. No. no. No!!!!

So the immortals are all from Zeist or some shit.

Connery gives a speech about a great leader coming. The Quickening will bring him forth???

What???? This…wtf is going on? What is that golden goo. Why are they holding hands? Are they married?

I have never seen a sequel shit all@over the original so fast. Holy fuck. Holy fuck.

Connery draws golden letters on Highlander’s face like Goneoff writing an open invite to the dwarves in the Hobbit.

Wait. If they’re aliens, why is he a Highlander and Connery born thousands of years before in Egypt??

Where is the Kurgan???? He should be here in their little golden goo ceremony. Right??

So Connery and Highlander become one and they are going to@fight General Katana.

Uhh. Why is Michael Ironside’s character named after a weapon created on earth?????

So they are under attack from Katana when we cut back to the opera. Send me to Zeist!!

Good. We’re back at Zeist. Uh. Highlander just became leader. The chosen one and he is dog shit at leading.

So general Broadsword leads his men against the rebels. I guess.

And they suck st fighting.

What in sweet fuck is going on. And. They have now surrendered?

I fought longer to get my latte back when the world hadn’t shat itself.

Then Ironsides is complimenting them while fishing for eels or.

What the fuck is going on??!

I once wrote a script while out of my mine delirious from having my wisdom teeth cut out that made more sense.

The next day they’re put on trial. Katana wants to off the rebels.

And they’re sent to the future to be immortal. What the sweet cornhole assbag is going on!??

Then we find out they’re going to be born at different times. Uh. So you have CONNERY 2000 more years.

And they will fight other rebels and whoever wins has a choice. Either die or come back to Zeist. Which is in the past?!!

And then they get zapped and we wake up to Highlander old as dicks and sounding like frank pentangeli in The Godfather.

And now we get Highlander is driving in this world where they have a shield to protect us from the sun’s rays after the ozone fucks off.

Highlander owns the shield corporation. I just. I. What.

Some rough rowsers try to mug Highlander for oxygen money, but see it’s him and stop. Why??

A bunch of hippie saboteurs break into the shield corporation to…eat cheese maybe.

What the fuck am I watching??

The hippies are hacking the Gibson or some shit. She finds out he radiation levels are normal outside the shield. That means that nature has healed itself.

They get attacked by security. Uh. Did I stroke out and switch to a bad 80s scifi film??

Now we cut to General Stilletto watching Highlander on the big screen. Highlander, they think, may come back. Which would be bad because??

No reason. Highlander sucked ass the last time he was on Zeist. He lost faster than the Bills in a 90s Super Bowl. Sports humor!!

So General Shortsword send chuckles and fuckles to the future to kill Highlander. They rightly point out Highlander will be dead in weeks. Ironsides slaps them for pointing out the glaring plot hole.

I regret my life.

Highlander goes into a bar and continues to talk like frank pentangeli

So there are people pissed Highlander saved everyone with a shield. And a Karen yells at him. Blames him for all her problems.

Wait. If the earth is permanently dark because the shield blocks the sun, how is anyone alive?

Wouldn’t we freeze to death? Wouldn’t all weather be fucked? Wouldn’t all crops die?!!!!

I didn’t realize it was this bad.

So the two jackasses from Zeist appear and Highlander begins to heal.

But before that Highlander meets Miss Marcus. The head of the saboteurs.

She’s trying to get him on her side and he doesn’t live in a world with viagra.

So chuckles and fuckles are there to off Highlander. They look like someone fucked a chicken and their offspring grew up to try to off Highlander.

You know what I loved about the original? Gun ms being shot at old men while the old dude mumbles to a ghost.

They then get into the worst sword fight this side of the Star Wars prequels.

A chicken fighting an octogenarian. Riveting.

The Jaws theme appears momentarily as the chicken guy is killed by being slowly run over by a train. And since there’s no one else about, it Quickens Highlander. Uh. He didn’t do anything!!

Highlander blasts@one off into the sky and there is a lot of sparks. So many that a dude in a truck drops his load all over Highlander. Of course Highlander is now an immortal again.

Whoever wrote this must have…look not I was doing Scarface levels of shit maybe I could write this movie.

Oh, my god. They get on hoverboards and chase each other. Masters of the Universe had better effects.

How did this movie not starts riots of pissed off movie goers??

The second chicken guy is flying with a hover pack and gets garroted.

…

Highlander gets another quickening and screams@out Connery’s name. This is enough to resurrect Connery at a Shakespearean play being performed.

What is happening???!!!!

Connery talks shit to a@guy playing Hamlet and there is no meaning anymore.

Connery steals a sword and the audience cheers and what the fuckkkk.

We cut back to Miss Marcus (Eminem from now on). She’s freaking because Highlander is now young and fuckable. He also says “I can not die.”

Weird flex on your friend date or whatever.

This movie is legit making me want to stop reviewing movies. You did it. You succeeded where countless Twitter users failed.

Sweet Christ I had to go do something else for a bit.

I thought twilight had hardened me to this. It did nothing!!

Wait. Okay. So Highlander and Eminem just meet after he gets young and they bang in a dirty alley as “Who Wants to Live Forever” plays orchestrally

Then we cut to his place where she turns into an audience member and gets@confused by Zeist and him becoming immortal because the chicken twins came to Earth. Just. Wtf.

Eminem wants Highlander to find out what’s going on with the shield.

Okay. So she goes from a bad ass infiltration expert to wanting Highlander to save her in one scene. One sex scene. Highlander drains women of their ability to defend themselves. Wtf.

We cut to Connery walking around Scotland. We know it’s Scotland because of the incessant bagpipes constantly playing everywhere he goes.

He’s blown away by tv and shit. Then goes into some building to buy new clothes.

Highlander wants a new suit immediately and pays for it with a pearl earring. Uh. That looks like shit costume jewelry.

Then we get the William Tell Overture playing over a clothing montage.

What the fuck is going on??

I think Bill and Ted did this scene and much better.

It’s now a slapstick comedy. What??

And they give him gold clubs and then the airport.

Connery somehow buys a ticket to fly to the US on a plane with square windows. Uh. They don’t use those because square windows are a massive design flaw in planes. It’s more like he’s on a train and they’re like “Pretend you’re in a plane!!”

Then we cut back to Highlander describing clouds to Eminem. Then he talks about storms and what??

They don’t have proper weather? I mean yeah djrirjdjdjdndndbdnd

What is this fuckkng. Moviemnfjrudjdjdjdndnd

Connery. Not Highlander.

I would rather watch the god damn wedding scene from twilight than this shit.

We cut back to General Rapier. He’s going to the future to@kill Highlander.

We then get commercials that desperately want to be Paul Verhoeven satire. You’re not. You’re this pile of quickened shit.

Michael Ironside appears in a subway and. I can’t anymore. I can’t.

Ironside starts to make puns only humans would know. Not sure why someone from Zeist would know about Wizard of Oz.

Ironside then starts to eat the scenery while screaming “My balls know no bounds!!”

He then chokeslams a conductor while driving a training. What the fuck.

They go 300 MPH on a subway. Right. Right.

It’s like they bought the Kurgan on wish dot com.

What am I watching?? Some dude’s eyes are exploding as they go 600 mph and crash with no problems and what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

Then we cut to Highlander meeting his old shield corp partner and thbdjrjn. I. What is going on??

I gotta take another break. I fucking can’t.

This is me watching this

Okay. Back. The problem is this movie isn’t a Highlander film. It’s a shitty sci-fi movie with a cartoon villain and an awful 1950s B movie scientist plot.

Basically, it sucks all the balls in a football stadium.

We go back to 1999. The Shield Corp is “protecting the planet from the sun.”

We need the sun to live. Just saying.

Anyway. They fire a bunch of arrows to “blot out the sun” and Highlander fights in the shade.

The B movie plot goes with this sci-fi antisun shield blocking the sun. Making it forever dark.

How is this a Highlander movie??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

We find out that the evil shield corporation these two own is evil and evil the evil of@evil in a god damn Highlander film!!

We meet Dr Cox. He is evil corporate evil guy evil evil corporate evil. He takes Highlander’s friend Allen to a meeting.

And the shield corporation somehow makes money. I guess they make people pay them. How? It’s not like you’ll turn off the shield if they don’t pay.

They are so wanting to be a Paul Verhoeven film.

None of them have the talent, so it’s so god damn bad. Soooo bad.

Wish for com Kurgan takes a taxi and then destroys it. What? This doesn’t make him scary. It makes him a whiny bitch.

Oh. He literally breaks it and tells the driver to put it on his tab. So they have tabs on Zeist??

We cut back to Connery in his whack ass plane. And hours into the flight they play the flight safety video???????

And it’s an over the top satire. But not funny.

This is a Highlander movie and not a bad Airplane! Knock off, right???

It’s like someone had a B movie, a wacky cartoon villain, a fish out of water script, an older man seducing women on planes scripts, and a “satire” scripts all blended together, force fed to a writer, then made them take exlax and shit out that onto paper and they greenlit that.

I feel like I’m having a fever dream after watching Highlander.

We cut to a memory where Highlander is with his ex. She’s been murdered by the sun and she makes him promise to get revenge against the sun. I’m not kidding. I’m not fuckkng kidding!!!!!

How was this made???

Highlander’s monologue is interrupted by Ironside clapping and nxnnjdjjzjsjsjsjsjsnsjsnrnrnd. The Kurgan was so god damn amazing!!

So now you remember Katana. And Highlander tells Katana he was going to die in peace, but now he’s gonna fight.

Oh. And they’re in a church and they can’t fight there. Why would aliens abide by human holy ground???????!!!!!!!!

Katana does more puns. More puns. What the fuck. What the fuck!?? What. The. Fuckmkmkjfjdndndndjdnddjdjsk

Also. Why could Highlander have a kid after being the last if he was an alien. What happened to his kid. Aharjdksjdjdndnnsndnd

Eminem is back at Highlander’s place and looks at his old photos and hallucinates Highlander’s voice saying hike hike. I. What. Shdjdjd

Then we get a journal@of Highlander being a captain anndnndndndndndjdn. Djdjdj

This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense! This doesn’t make sense!

Highlander goes to some building and some dude screams “It’s all for you Damian” and jumps to his doom.

General Ironside gets into a fight with Highlander and it is god damn lame.

You can see they tried to rip off the Kurgan fights and failed. I choreographed better fights with G I Joes.

General Katana is a lame incel from Zeist.

Oh. They fell down an elevator shaft. I wonder if the immortal who can only die from losing their head is still alive?

General Katana then leaves??!?? Why???????!!! Why did he leave. There are no cops or anything. He just laughs and leaves. Did…did he know the movie isn’t finished yet??

We cut back to Eminem asking Highlander about his life. Highlander doesn’t remember his own life because he forgets he had a wife before the second one. Ya know. The one who tried to burn him.

Did they only get cliffnotes about the first movie when they wrote this???

Eminem starts to put the moves on Highlander again. Listening to all Highlander’s wives dying got her hotttt.

Now Highlander senses something. An immortal. Oh. He doesn’t get the pains from before. Just …looks.

And then Connery is there and he and Highlander spar.

And. I skdnnnjd. Wacky music plays over it as they destroy Highlander’s house. I. I what. What. What. Jdjdndndndnndndnn

I could have written a better Highlander movie while being beaten half to death by people with steel toed shoes.

Then they have a drink and say “To magic.”

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Then Eminem comes in and acts all shy. She is a god damn saboteur!!!!! Not some meek damsel.

Now we cut to Allen being his asshole ripped apart by Dr Cox

Okay. Dr Cox is great. He has terrible lines, but he chews the scenery like it cured Covid.

You see. Dr Cox knows that the ozone is repaired, but he won’t turn it off. They’re making too much money off…no fucking clue. Their business model makes no sense.

General Broadside interrupts their Stonecutters board meeting. He odds guards after they shoot him. He survives of course. Dr Cox is great. Everyone is else sucks the shit out of a goose’s cloaca.

Michael Katana then asserts his dominance over Dr Cox by offing a guard

The foley guy must have used every stick of celery in all of Hollywood.

Katana wants Dr Cox to help with Highlander.

We cut back to Connery talking to Highlander about the shield.

Eminem tells Highlander his friend has been taken to Supermax Prison with Nicolas Cage.

Connery and Highlander break in after Connery says “Hit it, dude.”

I taste blood.

So they drive through the security and the car and then get shot all to hell. I mean thousands of bullets.

Of course they survive because immortal. That has…What the fuck!!!!???

Eminem is in the trunk. There is no way she would have survived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We then cut to a doctor who sounds like Foghorn Leghorn talking to Eminem about Connery and Highlander.

They wake up and brag about how many bullets they took. 108 (Highlander) to 112 (Connery).

They punch the guards and Foghorn Leghorn says “I say I say I say” before passing out.

See. They are there to get Highlander’s friend out.

They find Allen and he’s broken. He tells them where they can get through the shield.

Where is my Highlander movie????

Dr Cox and Katana watch on CCTV. Dr Cox hits a button and that trips a booby trap. A god damn spinning fan that is lowering. What? Why would they have that and not anything else???

Connery tells Highlander to stay back as he shoves his sword in and starts to put his hand over his head.

Connery holds up the blades as bagpipes play Amazing Grace and he gives a lame poetry read.

He then tells them he is going to die as he opens the door while holding up the blades. Highlander watches as Connery is crushed. Okay. Sure. I don’t fucking care.

First movie he died protecting Highlander’s wife in a bad ass battle with Kurgan. This time he dies from a fan blade. Sure. Sure.

Highlander and Eminem steal a car as Katana jumps in front of their truck. He gets hit but holds on. Highlander then gets on top@of the truck to fight Katana as Eminem drives and lame music plays.

My brain hurts.

Highlander teen wolf surfs as Katana chokes out Eminem in a day for night fight scene.

Finally Katana gets kicked off as they drive away at maybe 5 MPH.

Weird sound effects happen and what is going on??!!!!!!!

We’re at the end of the Mortal Kombat movie from the 90s.

They go through the building as General Katana sulks in Dr Cox’s office. What the fuck.

There are like 8 different movies in this and none are good.

They finally get above the shield in some mountains. They go out and celebrate seeing the sun for the first time.

So Eminem claims to have never seen the sky. That means her eyes should be melting right about now from never having seen real sunlight.

Katana gets pissed when Dr Cox doubts him.

General Ironside grabs Dr Cox by the cocks and throws him out the window.

*sigh*

Remember the amazing build up to the Highlander Kurgan fight? Just so intense and so damn good??

Just as Highlander is about to break the Shield, Katana magically teleports there because the script says he needed to be there.

They then have a sword fight best described as “mostly punching and no real tension or much sword fighting.”

I wonder if I could buy a Highlander 2 movie prop and burn it to unleash the trapped souls inside it.

Okay. After about a 30 second fight, Highlander beheads Katana. Katana did not even try.

Then they must have run out of budget because the quickening lasts about as long as Edward did on his honeymoon in Breaking Dawn.

Then Eminem shows up and Connery tells him that it’ll take the strength of both him and Eminem to destroy the shield.

Highlander walks into the flux capacitor for the shield and screams as Eminem watches. Uh. The shield is destroyed and only took Highlander. Way to@lie Connery