Webster’s Dictionary defines saga as:

a modern heroic narrative resembling the Icelandic saga
Or a long detailed account

Calling Twilight a saga is like calling me vomiting for a week straight a saga.

Let's watch this trash.

#Twilight #BreakingDawn Part 2 #TwilightOnNetflix.
These movies are the cinematic equivalent of someone taking a sledgehammer to my femur.

Painful, slows me down, and makes me wish the pain would stop.

Unlike being crippled, I should be able to recover from this trash soon enough.
Why do people like these movies? I would rather figure out how to have a crab navigator my small intestines while it held a switchblade than watch this again.
I'm gonna go prepare for this. Which mostly involves me taking deep breaths and tying myself down so that I can't run away from it.
I will say this. It does make me think about the joys of life. Mostly it points out that things other than this movie are joyful.

Like having your wisdom teeth extracted is joyful in comparison.

Be right back to dive into this waste of our collective existence.
I had more to say, but there's no point in more delaying this any longer.

It's go time, jabronis.
This movie stars a dude, a board, a dude with a washboard stomach, and a person whose name can be used to describe someone providing sir circulation to a pair of states that should be combined.
When we last left off, a wedding happened and this was followed by speedy reaching climax before touching homeplate. This was followed by a debate that made me want to cry from how subtle it was. Then a tapeworm was born and a wolf fell in love with it.
We start with me vomiting. No. Wait. That’s the credits.
I would rather have my name on a free clinic test result sheet than this movie.
This movie is still doing credits. It knows it’s wasting your time and is asserting dominance.
I bet we get narration from a tree.
People got paid for these movies. This disproves any theory that merit creates wealth.
We start with someone’s eyes filling with blood. I think they’re mine.
Nope. It’s a plank of wood zooming in like in Senseless. The movie. Anyone??
Bella is getting used to her heightened senses. Like being able to detect insects burrowing into her bark.
This song playing sounds like that song from Romeo + Juliet, but suckier.

Maybe it’s the same band. I don’t fucking care.

Plank uses her new strength to bro hug her abuser.
Since plank is a noob, she’s stronger than Ed. Remember. In this shitty universe, vampires are at their strongest when they’re youngest.
Hahaha. This dumb movie

“You need to get your thirst under control.”

She then immediately gets hungry. As if that shit is like yawning.

Did you know sociopaths don’t yawn when others do? Or that’s what I heard. Who cares.
We now cut to plank pretending that she’s running in the woods to hunt. We all know ents move slowly. Even Petrified Ents which is what a vampire plank is.
We then get this slo mo seeing of the world that I know someone involved thought was deep. It’s not. It’s god damn stupid and everyone who thought that should feel shame.
We then see Edward having her listen and she hears a deer and I wish I could skip this piece of shit.
Plank can’t even pretend to be hungry.
Bella von Plank then senses a climber who has a wound. I think they cut themselves shaving that morning.

Plank goes to feed. Again. Trying to pretend like she is hungry, but trees crave sunlight not blood. Even when petrified.
Hahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahaha

This. This. This. Babababa hahababdbfn
I just. I just can’t. This shitty CGI of plank running up a rocky cliff face looks so so so god damn stupid. They should all be embarrassed by this.

It’s supposed to be dramatic that she is running to attack a climber, but it’s so so so lame.
She is so desperately trying to pretend to be hungry to attack. She can’t.

Edward stops her from@hunting the human. She goes into the woods and sees the deer.
Then a cougar jumps at the deer and she catches and eats the cougar. There is a metaphor here with young women and cougars I don’t want to touch.
Then we cut to Eddie going “Good job. You didn’t suck.”

Then they go home and Jacob is there.
A reminder that #teamjacob is dead after he “imprinted” on a new born tapeworm.

I am 100% #teamvanhelsing
Plank tells him to stay away as it isn’t safe. Jacob says it’s safer for the baby if she can get used to Jacob.

Bella doesn’t know Jacob is a creep and imprinted on the tapeworm.
Everyone in this movie is the worst except like Dr Collins, Jasper, Billy, and the sheriff. Everyone is wretched or a tapeworm.
Edward and Jacob exchange awkward looks. Like Edward has been in Jacob’s position of being obsessed with someone a fraction of your age, though.
Jacob has plank smell him. Joke is on you. Plank can’t smell. She lies and says she can and that he stinks. Wait until you find out who his new beau is.
They go in to see the tapeworm.
The Collins all …ahhhhhhhhg!! CGI baby!!!! Kill it with fire!!!!
Why…why not use a real baby? There are a ton of idiots who would love their kids to be in an awful@movie.
Let me reiterate that this has the same plot of the movie Jack in terms of the kid growing up many times faster than normal.

Jack sucked, but this is worse.
Jacob gets all pissy that Bella is all touchy with his future wife. That’s her tapeworm, Jake. She can do what she wants. You know what. You’re Jake. You lost your Jacob privileges.
Bella doesn’t understand why Jake is pissy. Jake then awkwardly tells her he imprinted in the tapeworm. Just. Wtf movie. Wtf.
You somehow made Edward’s creepy, gaslighting abuser ways not the worst part of this series. How???!
Plank gets rightly pissed at Jake. She throws his ass outside.
Jake tries to act all insulted that all he did was fall in love with a baby tapeworm. Bella slaps his ass around and this is the first time in this entire shitty series that plank does something interesting.
Bella tells him to go away. Meanwhile Edward gets off to watching it.
Oh, my god. They named the tapeworm Nessy. Bella@is pissed. Hahaha. Where has this character been this whole series???!!!
Hahahahahaha. This is hilarious. The other werewolves try to start shit and plank slaps it away. Then plank returns to be lame and apologizes.
Tapeworm’s real name is renesmae or some shit? It’s tapeworm.

Oh. And Jake explains that all of his emotions for plank were because he was in love with tapeworm and he like knew somehow.

Uh. Jake. Someone needs to explain how babies are born because there…never mind.
Seriously. Jake is creepier than Edward. #teamvanhelsing
Ah. CGI tapeworm!!
The rest of the Collins appear and I’ve gone blind. Uh. It cuts to a treehouse? Or just a poorly lit house in the woods. It’s the latter.

Good to see there is so much local real estate available.
We then get a tour of there house. God. It’s like a shitty youtube vlogger.
“Welcome back to the Plank and Stalker Channel. We have a new addition to our family with a tapeworm and we got a new house. Like. My inlaws gave it to us. How convenient.”
Then they go to their bedroom and plank is as stupid as ever.

“Vampires don’t sleep.” Yeah. He knows that, idiot. He wants to have premature ejaculation with you again.
We then get another shitty love…not making. Uh. Prematuring?

Either way I’m pretty sure watching the discovery channel is better.

I can taste bile.
There are cereal commercials sexier than this prematuring scene.
Haha. “You really we’re holding back before.”

Hahahaha. Right. He went 10 seconds.

And then she talks about always wanting to bang. Cool. More bile.
The next day Jake is creepily staring out the window to watch tapeworm being tended to by who the fuck cares.


This is fucking creepy.
Bella and Edward go back home and the other vampires make sex jokes. It’s awkward.
Then the phone rings and fucking music swells and everyone goes silent as if it’s important. Yeah. It might end up being, but I refuse to believe they live in a world without telemarketing.

You’re getting excited about someone selling you a time share, plank.
Oh, my god. I am only 20 minutes in. Here’s that bile.

Oh. And Bella doesn’t want to pick up. They have to fake her death and fuck right out of town.
Jake is pisssseeeddd that they’re taking tapeworm. Dude. She is a baby tapeworm. She needs her parents, not a creepy stalker wolf.
Jake goes to see the sheriff. Oh. He tells the sheriff plank has gotten over her bout of termites and is on the mend. He is desperate to keep tapeworm around.
Jacob then tells him plank had to change. Then Jake takes off his clothes and hellloooo interesting new sc…oh. He just turns into a wolf. Great. I would have been back on #teamjacobcharlie if it had been better written.
Sheriff does reject Jake’s advances. Like. The sheriff is watching his beat friend’s son strip naked in front of him in the woods. Uh. Even with him just being a werewolf, that is awkward as fuck.
Jake turns into a wolf and the sheriff is relieved he doesn’t have to deal with his friend’s son’s advances on him. He doesn’t know yet that his friend’s son was advancing on his grandtapeworm.
We cut to plank and Ed being pissed Jake revealed this all@so he could creep on tapeworm.

We are 25 minutes into the most disturbing plot in a movie that had a wide theater release.
Bella is afraid Voltron might hurt her dad. Then Jake mumbles the plot he told her and that sheriff is on his way.
We then see them putting contacts in the carved eyes of plywood. Then one of the vampires does an unnecessary speed move. Just so stupid.
Is there such thing as double bile? This new taste is worse than before.

Also. We find out that plank has to fake breathing. Good thing plank is already just the most bland Mary Sue ever. She doesn’t have to fake a personality.
The sheriff comes inside and is legit concerned for his daughter. Dude. She was gonna gaslight your ass before Jake intervened.
Oh. Also. Plot hole. They say the sheriff would get ganked for knowing sndjjx

Who cares. Shitty plot holes are the least worry for this dumpster fire.
The sheriff wants to understand what is going on and plank just dnndndnn

I think this is some other humor. Maybe fire? I don’t know. I’m not up on my medieval biology.
The sheriff legit will do anything to keep his daughter around. He doesn’t know he has a grandtapeworm.
And the sheriff meets the CGI demon. They lie and say it’s Edward’s niece they adopted.

It is haunting to look at. Just. Holy fuck. It’s so scary to look at.
Jasper is great. Everyone else eats all the shit.
We then get a competition between plank and the others. Uh. The human body is more frail than hardwood. Idiots.
She goes and sparkles in the god damn sun. So stupid. She should be burning not being glitterbombed.
I think that Jake rejoins Sam’s Club. And Voltron sends a gift. It’s a dismodhdbnjsn
Sorry. They’re cutting to the tapeworm aging. Slow down or you’re gonna be out of Jake’s range.
Gonna say this. These people don’t act like they see their kid as more than a tapeworm thing.
Oh. Look. It’s some jabroni. I think the wolves or someone iced h…who cares.
She was in the last movie for two seconds and I don’t care. Someone needs to just choke slam her into a sea of stakes.
Then we cut to a riveting piano lesson. I would legit rather watch a piano recital than this shit.
We cut to some dark ass castle. Maybe where the Voltron live. Maybe where someone LARPs as Dracula.
It’s the Voltron. The see you next Tuesday cousin is dropping a dime. And we get more shitty quick moving vampire bullshit that looks lame.
Alice gets a vision of a bunch of the Sheriff of Nottingham’s men are gonna come to tapeworm’s recital.
Turns out that tapeworm is an abomination. Yeah. No shit.

So the Voltron bleh bleh to blah the tapeworm. We see Texas Fanning icing previous human-vampire tapeworms in the past.
So they’re gonna have to defend tapeworm.

Also. They want the Collins to invite other vampires to “witness”.

Uh. Is this Red Dragon?

“Do you see??”
Sam’s Club comes by and tells them that Alice and Jasper have fucked off.
Hahaha. They hand Dr Collins a note from Alice. Plank wants to see it, but she can’t read. The voice over has to tell us what it says because plank can’t.
We get narration so bland that I want to chug vodka.
So their whole god damn plan is to get vampires together to see the tapeworm and shit. So stupid.

So they head to Alaska to get their relatives.

And I want them to know filler isn’t good.
So they have tapeworm get out and meet these vampires. The relatives lose their shit seeing the tapeworm.
You see. Vampires turned as kids are evil blah blah.

Tapeworm is different. She was born while plank she wasn’t yet petrified.

Also. We find out tapeworm can upload memories to people.

Oh. And like tapeworm is alive but not a full vampire or something.
We then get more …hey. It’s Rami Malek. I hope he sings We Are the Champions.
Rami legit is trying in this movie. His vampire power is basically being a weaker version of storm.
This whole thing is just a recruiting montage stretched to pad this shitty movie’s runtime to justify them splitting one movie into two.

It’s this:
We then are back at their house and more vampires appear. See people are coming there to seednjjdkkkdkkdkdkdkdkksksjdndnd d dd djdnd dndndnd d d d dd d d d

Ketchup tastes better than catsup. I was told by a blind falcon!!!!!
Oh, my god. It is just a@god damn recruiting montage. That’s all this has been for ten minutes. And it’s lame as shit.

They all go to get touched by a tapeworm.
And to add “tension,” these vampires drink human blood. They won’t hunt in the surrounding area. Get fucked, Seattle.
Oh, and because there are more vampires, more of Jake’s tribesmen turn into werewolves.
We get 18 zany vampires with powers right out of a bland DC comic.
We find out that plank’s power is dumb as shit. She’s a “shield.” Basically, can’t be affected by vampire powers.

Cool. Can you do anything cool? No. You can stand there like an asshole.
Meanwhile, Jake is training the new werewolves as some vampire or whatever go through wolf territory. Just so thrilling. Shitty CGI and boring choreography.
It’s two new vampires come to help with bad accents.
Hahaha. It’s the son from The Riches. Awesome. I like that dude.
Then we find out that the Voltron are going to start this to get Alice and the witnesses are gonna leave. Then Edward gives a speech about liking to stalk young girls and appearing in their bedroom.

This rouses the vampires to fight. Same with the werewolves.
It’s like a shittier Fellowship of the Ring. A fellowship of the tapeworm? Fellowship of the ringworm???

The Fallow Shit of Ringworm. That’s it.
Then we find out that Voltron vampires have so many powers to harm. Like throwing sand into your eyes and forcing you to watch shitty vampire movies.
There are piles of kittens more intimidating than these shitty Voltron vampires.
See. The Voltron’s are recruiting.
We then cut back to Edward discussing strategy. Dude. You’re so shit at this you make Gideon Pillow seem downright competent.
They also have the oh so subtle talk about having plank project her shield to protect others.

We get a training scene and I’m wondering if the lickable wallpaper could cause allergic reactions.
This scene is about as exciting as watching toenails grow.
So people say it takes a while to develop gifts. Plank can do it in seconds because this is a shitty story.
Plank finally spends a moment with tapeworm. I should point out tapeworm is asleep. Though, she wakes up to ask plank if she’s gonna get ganked.
We then get another boring bang scene while Edward compliments her. What a weird kink.
They’re gonna go take a bath. We all know Edward thinks plank smells like swamp ass.
Oh. And finally dumb ass plank realizes Alice left the note written on a book page. She could have used paper, so of course it has meaning. Way to take forever to put two and two together. You’re as dumb as a log. Oh. Right.
The note says “Plank fuel can’t melt steel beams”

Also. Alice knows plank lacks a brain and the message will be safe with her.
Plank drives to Seattle with Jake and his betrothed to the sheriff’s house. Plank leaves them to “run errands.”
She’s to go find Jay Jackoffs or some shit.
Actually. She is there to meet the insanely talented Wendell Pierce. Bunk from the Wire.

Half the duo of one of the greatest scenes written in history

Plank talks to Bunk and Bunk acts the hell@out of it. This movie has legit talented actors.
Okay. Plank is terrible at acting, but acting in the same scene as one of the greatest living actors just shows how untalented she is.
Bunk was hired to get a new identity and multipasses for people. Who?
Uh. Jake and the tapeworm. Uh. These people are all terrible. Jake shouldn’t be allowed within a thousand miles of tapeworm let alone be given IDs to@make him her guardian.
How am I only halfway. What the fuck. What


Life, no matter how stuff, doesn’t prepare you for this trash.
Oh. And plank just accepts that Jake should take tapeworm. What. What. What. What what hshsjsjdjdkdjdntnf f find f dd f djdnd djdnd s d d d d d

Society was a mistake!!!!!
It’s Christmas now. Jake is cuddled up with tapeworm by the fire as they unwrap presents.

Also. The sheriff is slamming with Sue. Just all up there.
I am watching a movie where an adult@is cuddling up with a tapeworm who was born months before. This is wrong on every level.
Hey. Rami starts a fire with his hand. Jake tries to act cool, but you’re lame to me now.
We get a bland as hell fire scene where all these vampires talk about previous battles they fought. Famous ones. All sound better than the weak sauce fight we’re gonna get.
The freaking scenes before the battle of Winterfell are a billion times better than this.
The tapeworm acts circles around plank.
The day of the Battle of the Bland is upon us. On the left are the Fellow Shit of the Ringworm.

On the right is Voltron.

No matter who wins, humans who watch it lose.
The Shining is always my example of building tension. This movie is now my example of how to bland tension.
You know what movie had a better battle scene? My Dinner with Andre.
The Voltron are all like “You have an army. Blah” and then like “but she is mortal” and I’m like “I wonder if year old cheese whiz can cause enough brain damage to forget this.”
Voltron reads Edward’s thoughts and he wants to talk to tapeworm. I want to pass out.
I should point out that Braveheart came out like 15 years before this. If you want battle scenes watch that. If you want to hear Voltron make the weirdest god damn laugh ever…watch it on YouTube.

I legit want that laugh as my ringtone.
And Voltron confirms tapeworm is half plank and half gaslighting vampire.
Oh. And the cousin who dimed them out gets got. Hilarious.
Her family tries to blah blah and bleh bleh.
Oh. And Bella shields with her wood pulp. See. Iowa Fanning tried to cause Eddie Monster pain and

So the Collins say that no rules were broken and Voltron goes on a Luddite rant and shit. It’s…man. I wrote better dialogue when tripping balls after the meds when I got when my wisdom teeth cut out.
Hahaha. This lead Voltron guy is eating the shit out of the scenery and I am loving it.
Alice appears and she is going to prove that tapeworm can’t melt steel beams nor harm the Voltron.
Alice is too stupid to realize that Voltron won’t change. So Jake rides off with his captor on his back.

And I ride off to grab something to keep me from vomiting at this boring ass fight scene.
Dr Collins gets got and then the slap fight begins.

I like how when the cousin got iced, they were told to chill. Now that the doc got it? All@out war. I get Voltron won’t change his mind but thinking isn’t what anyone in this movie does.
Man. Bella is shit at shielding half the time.

And we start seeing everyone get got and I can already tell this is a vision or some shit. Like using tapeworm’s power to@project Alice’s vision or something stupid like that.
You remember how in the prequels all those fights were stupid as all hell? Yeah. Same here. I don’t care about any of this.
Bane appears and causes the ground to open up.
Oh. And you know how I know this isn’t a real fight? The makers of all of this don’t have the balls or ovaries to kill off all these people.
And since I know this battle doesn’t matter because there are no consequences, what little interest and tension is pointless.

Also. Alaska Fanning gets eaten by a wolf and the noises she makes are god damn hilarious.
Man. Practical effects and ramping up the gore to eleven could have made this a cool fight.
More bad fighting and more me fighting down vomit.
Hahaha. Voltron’s death is so comically stupid.
Oh, look. I was right. It was all a projected vision of the future.
So that whole battle was lame and pointless and no consequences.
Edward says he can make tapeworm go away and not be a threat and I am wondering if peanut butter up your nose can make memories disappear.
Oh. And we meet some dude from South America who is also a hybrid comes up and tells them he is 150 and totally cool dude. Also. He was 7 when he was full grown.
Voltron bitches out and tells them there will be no fight. Ya kn….hahahahahahahahahahahahahah hahahshshshshshshs hahshshsbs
Oh, my god. They had like 40 sped up vampires CGI away. It is so bad.
Everyone vomits on my screen and Jake stares at tapeworm. It’s so creepy.
Then we see the Fellow Shit of the Ringworms going their own way.
Edward says tapeworm is lucky to have Jake. Jake asks if he should call Edward dad. There you have it. A grown dude bragging about marrying a young tapeworm. Does he think he’s Trump?!
Hahaha. Joking about creeping on a tapeworm born months ago.

This series is so screwed up thinking that just because someone looks a certain age that they are. It’s so god damn wrong!!!
Alice then has a vision tapeworm with Jake as an “adult.” Uh. We already know that’s 7. Look. Part of age is life experiences and maturity and that’s not just a physical look thing.

This. Ugh!!! This is all trash!!!
And now Bella lifts her mental shield and Edward gets to see scenes from the previous movie.
Movies I should say. There have been 4 before this and I have moments to go until this is over.
Edward gets all these memories and he realizes “Wow. You are so god damn boring” and he leaves Bella to go hunt down Jake.
No. Wait. That is how a good movie would have ended.

They make out as a sappy song plays.

Then it cuts to a book they says forever and that’s what it’s felt like watching this.
And it’s done. I feel nothing. I am numb because I can’t believe my torture is over. Someone is gonna tell me there is a sixth one and I can’t handle that now.
Well. That was Twilight Breaking Dawn P2.

It was better than some of the others. Too bad it has the creepy Jake/tapeworm thing in it.

Otherwise it would have been the best of the series.

Fuck this movie. Fuck this series. Fuck me for doing it. Fuck you for reading it.


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