Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Guess I'm doing The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey of 3 crappy movies from one book.

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I should stop having polls because you people are just the worst.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1419132806060384258

It stars Watson Freeman as Billy Dimebags, Ian Magento as Goneoff the Sorceror, and Dick Armentiasjdfi as Thorns From a Rose.

It also stars my liver crying in anticipation of the liquor required after I watch this abomination.

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I need better followers.

I'm gonna go cry a little and then start this. I may quit halfway through. It's been almost a decade since I saw this and I remember it sucked all the balls in the world.

I don’t know why I torture myself. Like 3 people read them and the rest have muted me. And rightly so.

Oh. Right. The contract I signed that Left wrote up.

8000 more reviews and he promised me a billion dollars. I hope he isn’t lying. I mean he doesn’t seem like a billionaire

We start at the credits for Are You Afraid of the Dark.

This old prick says “submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this story ‘Corporate Hacks turned a good book into a trash trilogy.’l

The old dealer named Old Billy Dimebags is talking about some city called Dale. Named after the NASCAR driver.

Dale was some suburb of some dwarf fortress. Like. That’s not an insult. They’re called dwarves.

This fortress is called Arboretum. They, ironically, have no trees or anything. Just a shitty mine and smelter.

They won’t stop pushing the gold standard.

They find a stone called the Arc Reactor Stone and it’s coveted and respected from the lame ass elves, the bitchy dwarves, and the short lived humans.

Then everything goes tits up when Thor becomes like Gold Member

Then some dragon called Beenadick Holmes decides to take over the Arboretum.

Turns out they are sexually attracted to gold and this one has come to come.

Beenadick sprays his load all over Dale and the Arboretum.

Of course his dragon goo is like napalm.

Thorns from a Rose drags Thor away from the Arc Reactor because that dwarf has butter fingers.

The dwarves get mad when they realize that elves are cucks and just like to watch the dragon goo everywhere. The dwarves become hobos and take the midnight bud going ANYYYYYYYYWHHHHEEERRREEEEEEEE!

The end. Fuck everyone who voted for this.

I kid. I’m continuing because I’m a masochist.

We then have Billy Dimebags give us an episode of Cribs in a voiceover

We get an unnecessary scene with Frodo talking to Billy Dimebags. It’s just there to get more nerds to watch this shitty trilogy.

Frodo either has or hasn’t gone on his journey. I don’t care.

Billy Dimebags might be trying to hide his smack and Froyo is trying to find out where it is.

Oh. This must be before that because Froyo is gonna go see Goneoff in the woods. This was before Froyo’s hobbit journey into Sam’s Wisehole.

We go back in time for the first time Billy Dimebags meets Goneoff.

Billy says good morning and Goneoff is a total asshole to him. Like he’s like a god damn internet troll “What do you mean by good morning. Define good. Define morning. I’m an asshole.”

Seriously. Billy is too nice this random asshole who just shows up out of nowhere. Ugh. This is why I never hang out front of my house or answer my door.

Billy shits back on him. Good for Billy.

Goneoff decides that he gets off on inviting people over to Billy’s house without his permission. See it. Goneoff the Wizard is a total asshole.

He marks Billy’s door with a sign that says “For a good time, barge on it.”

Then Goneoff stares into Billy’s house. I am legit afraid for Billy’s life. He is gonna get turned into a gimp or something.

Billy gets a knock on his door and he opens it. This prick of a dwarf barges in and starts eating Billy’s food.

Billy is too much of a puss to stand up for himself and let’s this stranger stay in his house and eat his food.

Then more asshole dwarves barge in and steal food and use his phone and watch his tv. All the while Billy stands around without the will to stop it all.

He 100% should either call the cops or gank these interlopers.

This is a god damn home invasion horror movie. Like this is more of a horror film than The Strangers or anything of the like.

This movie would exist if Billy had any guts.

And it should be pointed out that dwarves are awful and Goneoff is a horrendous monster who dictates what everyone else does.

Billy is straight up getting robbed blind.

Again. Never answer your door. You never know if home invaders will rob you blind.

This is fucking awful. This poor hobbit is losing everything to these piece of shit interlopers and Goneoff just grins the whole time.

Especially when the dwarves ruin his stuff, shit on the floors, wipe their asses with his clothes, etc.

Goneoff then goes “What’s wrong?”

Uhh. You invited a bunch of strangers over and they robbed Billy, destroyed his stuff, shat on his floors, and …they’re pissing into his mother’s ashes. What the hell.

And now they sing at his misery like Oompa Loompas.

They all get quiet when Thorn of the Rose appears. Billy finds out that Goneoff graffitied his house.

Thorn then asks if Billy can fight. Then Thorn shits all over Billy. Still better than…okay. Just. Take over his house and eat his food as you chat with your loser friends.

Billy Watson makes the mistake of asking what’s up. Goneoff uses this excuse to force Billy into an “adventure.”

My guess is Goneoff is gonna sell Billy’s house while he’s gone while the dwarves sell his corpse to Elven Medical Schools.

Then we find out they are all gonna go fight a dragon. Which is stupid.

The dwarves brag that they can fight. Uh. You should all die.

We also find out Goneoff has been lying to them and implied heavily he killed a dragon. When called on it, he pretends to have a coughing fit.

We also find out that Goneoff murdered Thorn’s dad and took a key. He lies and said the guy gave it to him.

We also find out that Goneoff is there to force Billy into a burglary.

Like Goneoff threatens Billy’s life if he doesn’t rob the dragon. What a monster.

See. Beenadick the dragon knows the swamp ass smell of dwarves, but not the foot smell of hobbits.

They then put a glock to Billy’s head and force him to sign a contract. They have to smash his face several times into the wall off camera to force him to sign.

They then talk about how his there’s a good chance he’ll die during the robbery, but 100% chance if he refuses. This is…holy shit. They’re putting his head in a vice!!!

Goneoff starts to torture Billy and remind him about how he was more willing to commit crimes as a child.

Goneoff then says books are for losers and spits in Billy’s face.

Then he emasculates Billy by saying his ancestors weren’t, and I quote, “Such god damn cowards like you. Now sign it or I will fist you with a lit torch.”

Billy resists the torture for quite some time. Like. I’m becoming nauseous from watching this.

As Goneoff tortures Billy, Thorn gets a pep talk from some old hobo. Thorn wants to do “one final job” so he can return his family to glory.

Oh, god. You can see Billy’s bones as Goneoff filets him. He stays strong, though.

Okay. I didn’t know expect this. Thorn starts to sing. And it’s so bad that Billy finally breaks. He begs for him to stop.

The next day Billy wakes up. He was partially healed by Goneoff, but his eyes are still filled with blood.

He starts to move around his place and everyone has left.

Billy has been robbed blind. Everything is gone and there’s a note with the contract. It says “We know where your family and friends live. Join us.”

Billy decides to sacrifice himself. He signs the contract and runs to meet the torturous dwarves and Goneoff.

Goneoff spits in his face and slaps him for “Making me put so much effort in.”

They then release the hostages they’d taken. Then they put him on a horse forcefully.

I had to take a break. I have watched a lot of horror films in my life, but this movie is rough. 42 minutes of torture and humiliation will take its toll on anyone.

So now Billy has Stockholm Syndrome. We also find out that Goneoff had a bet that he’d broken Billy Watson. He won the bet.

When Billy asks for a handkerchief, they spit on him and tell him to suck it up. Goneoff slaps him again and tells him he has to remember he is Goneoff’s property now.

That night they make camp. Billy can’t sleep, so he feeds his horse.

We then hear orcs screaming out in the door. Billy is told they’re banging.

Thorn comes in and we find out orcs had stolen the dwarves hometown.

You see dwarves suck at fighting.

And we find out that the orcs have insanely tall king called Asshawk.

The dwarves were all but destroyed.

But, then, they think they can take on a dragon.

Also. Thorn fought Asshawk with a stick and like chopped his hand off.

You want to read a good story where people are outnumbered and in a hostile land? Read Xenophon.

Oh. And the dwarves had a Pyrrhic victory.

You could have literally have gone somewhere else with your people, but, yeah. Good@job. Lose everyone but 13 people. Bravo.

The next day and we find out Goneoff is a terrible wizard. He can’t even change the weather.

We find out there are 5 wizards. Goneoff. Soreonmen the White. Yep blue wizards he can’t remember because he has memory issues. Lastly, Ratass.

Hahaha. Billy throws shade.

“Is Ratass a great wizard or more like you?”

Hahaha. Way to spit in your capture’s face.

We cut to Ratass being in the forest. I should point out this dumb wizard was only mentioned in the books. He’s only here to pad out the time so greedy dbags could make more money.

So Ratass is seeing all these sick animals and plants. Basically, global climate change is happening.

Ratass has been alone for so long he just talks to himself.

I could totally quit here and no one would notice.

So the padding continues as Ratass mumbles while getting stoned.

This is such a dumb addiction to this story. Ratass takes his sled pulled by animals he forces to pull him.

We cut back to Billy and friends at another potential camp. Thorn wants to stay there. Goneoff wants to go swing with elves.

Thorn hates elves and says no. Goneoff pitches a fit and storms off.

That night Billy is forced@to serve the others food. He asks where Goneoff is. You can hear the fear in his voice at the prospects of Goneoff returning.

We find out two horses are missing because those who were supposed to watch them decided to watch TV instead. They yell at Billy and make him go find the horses.

Turns out internet trolls have taken the horses.

We listen to trolls whine about women having equal rights and their moms not buying them Taco Bell.

We get banter so good that it was written after the writer farted onto their keyboard.

Meanwhile, Billy is trying to slip into the horses’ DMs.

Billy is discovered and he finds these trolls are somehow worse than dwarves. That’s saying something.

Billy gets grabbed and they are going to cook and eat him.

The dwarves are mad that they might eat their burglar. Yeah. They were going to murder him, but they need him first.

Oh. And I’d like to point out the original troll scene in the book was fantastic. It dealt with Billy tricking the trolls instead of a shitty fight scene.

Way to ruin what could have been a great way to give Billy some points in intelligence.

They outthink the dwarves and spit them.

Billy tells the trolls to skin the dwarves.

Billy starts to rub his nipples at the thought.

Billy makes a mistake and tells the troll that the dwarves have STDs. He was trying to insult them, but the trolls are idiots.

Goneoff arrives and screams “Dawn can melt steel beams!!!”

He then breaks a rock, stumbles away to drink and scream conspiracy theories about rings and shit.

By pure happenstance, the rock he breaks allows the sun to get to the trolls two seconds faster and they get stoned.

Turns out trolls are no match for racist wizards.

Goneoff slaps Billy to reassert his dominance.

Thorn insults him, but Goneoff stops that. Only he is allowed to insult his gimp.

They realize the trolls had to live nearby, so they break into their house.

These people are all criminals. Just saying. All they do is rob and murder and torture.

Inside the troll home is treasure. They decide to hide it. They also find swords and shit. Man. This was sooooooooooo lucky for them.

Hey also find the troll’s “adult magazines,”. It they’re too kinky for even Goneoff.

Holy crap I’m losing my brain.

Goneoff brings out a dagger for Billy and says “You know I care about you. Here. Take this. I bought for you.”

We all saw you stealing it!

We then see Ratass coming up on them. He screams slurs. Oof. He calls hobbits “Hamhoms” and dwarves “Thotsos.”

Just. Wayyy over the line.

Ratass tells Goneoff that the “green” is being destroyed. So now we know Goneoff grows the kush.

He then tells Goneoff about confronting the Neuromancer. He keeps screaming “The Matrix totally didn’t borrow heavily from me!!!!”

Seriously. This padding is so boring. Screw everyone involved in this film who made that decision.

And I’m not kidding about the kush. Goneoff makes Ratass take a bit to calm him.

We then get more characters who weren’t in a book, but added to bloat this shitty trilogy into three films.

Orc packs are after them.

Goneoff asks who he told. Thorn says he told no one.

Then we get the stupidest conversation with made up names for@wolves chasing made up name for rabbits.

Ratass leads the orcs on a chase while the others escape. Can I point out god damn rabbits are pulling his sled. Rabbits.

Someone wrote that and went “this is so coooollll!!!!”

Hey. Remember the chase and hides scenes in LOTR? Let’s do those but make it lamer.

Borrrrrinnngggggg chase scene. Boorrrrrrinnggggggggggggg.

These losers can’t take on orcs, but think they can match a dragon.

Goneoff then screams at them to follow him. They do and I just want them all to snap their necks on the way down.

So they’re all hiding deep in Goneoff’s hidden cave when elves come onto the orcs and defeat them.

They decide to go deeper into Goneoff’s crevice to get to the elven city of Riverside.

Thorn hates the elves because they cucked him.

Goneoff starts to drink whiskey and saying he’s the man. He then tells Thorn to shut up since only he can talk to elves. He…oof. He falcon punches Billy. It’s brutal.

They finally get into Riverside. They’re met by elves who speech in some weird language. I think Esperanto.

The elves come out and try to intimidate, but Goneoff is drunk and doesn’t care.

Oh, shit. This is all a Matrix simulation. There is Agent Smith.

Agent Smith mumbles a bunch as he insults the dwarves. He then screams about Neo and punches another elf in the throat.

We cut to an elven feast. It’s lame as shit. It reminds me of this lousy vegan place I went to once in a date. It played Tibetan throat singing and food overpriced and bland.

That relationship didn’t last long.

We find out the swords they found are called the “Goblin Cornholer” and “Tantric Penetration.” Billy calls the latter “Sting.”

Goneoff makes Thorn give Agent Smith the map. Agent Smith says that you read this only on certain moons and shit. What a coincidence. That’s that night. How convenient!!!

They also talk about how it’s ancient and then say 200 years ago. Uh. Dude. You’re elves. You live to be insanely old.

We find out that this map is the dwarven back door. Access to it gives you a chance to penetrate deep into the mountain and come inside it.

We cut to a seen with orcs whining and Hawkass wanting to hear none of it. He choke slams some punk ass orc.

Now back to Riverside. You know originally they were gonna film Breaking Bad in Riverside.

But Agent Smith didn’t want people thinking that elves were all meth heads.

We then cut to Goneoff hitting on some Elvish woman. He keeps bragging about his gimp Billy.

We then see Soreomoan. See. We know he goes bad in the future. That adds to the dramatic irony of

*snores*

We then listen to Soreomoan saying Soreontop is gone forever. There’s no way he can come back.

Goneoff says that’s bullshit. Orcs are back. Dragons fly. McDonald’s ice cream machines work. The Riverside Wafflehouse closed.

All signs of the apocalypse.

Soreomoan says that the Neuromancer isn’t a big deal and totally didn’t get ripped off by the Matrix.

He also talks about how Ratass needs rehab because all he does is mushrooms.

Then Goneoff does virtual sex with the elvish lady like in Demolition Man.

Goneoff pulls out a Strap On. Not just any strap on. A Morgan Strap On used by the witch king.

We get more names and stories and all of it sounds like they’re having a stroke.

Soreomoan mumbles as Goneoff ignores him like they’re on a Zoom call. He is eye fucking the lady elf. She gets mad because she realizes the dwarves slipped out on the bill.

Maybe if you idiots spent more time watching the dwarves and less time talking like nerds…you would have stopped them.

Lady elf mumbles more bullshit and then tells Goneoff we needs to go find songs djdnd

This movie is so boring!!! It’s just padding all this shit so they can justify three movies and add in connections to the LOTR movies so@suckers will watch it.

If they had stuck to the original book’s plot and focused on it, we could have had a two movie series that would have been fantastic. Instead we get a bloated pile of shit.

Peter J. can lick my taint for doing this.

Nothing has happened for ten minutes. How could people@pay for this?

Twilight was more entertaining and we know that all but broke me!!!!!

We cut to the dwarves walking along in a storm. Then some rocks fly on and then we find out that rock monsters are fighting?

Ugh. Way to make storm giants fighting boring.

Padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding padding

City Slickers 2 had a better storm action scene!!!!!!

Calling it now. City Slickers 2: The Search for Curly’s Treasure is a more faithful adaptation of The Hobbit than this movie is!!!

You can not convince me otherwise.

Thorn takes out his anger on Billy Dimebags because Thorn lacks the capacity to do any self reflection.

Oh. There orcs caught up. Excuse me while I fart in fear.

Billy can’t sleep because dwarves snore. Also. He wants to escape his captors.

He grabs his shit so he can go back home and desperately try to put his life back together and this adventure behind him.

Billy gets stopped by one of his captors. The guy just shits all over Billy and tells him no one ever loved him. Then goes through a list of people Billy knew and cared about. The guy says they all hated Billy.

Billy starts to sob when a sink hole opens up.

They all falls hundreds of feet and somehow live. They should all be a red stain. Instead they’re fine.

They’re also caught by goblins or some lame shit. This wasn’t in the book if I remember correctly. Maybe it was. Who cares.

Billy is able to avoid this and walks about. He uses Sting’s tantric powers to fight off goblins.

Meanwhile the others are taken the the Goblin city. There David Bowie is juggling balls and singing to some kid that looks like Where’s Waldo’s kid.

He keeps thrust his pelvis and going “Requiem for a Dream’s best scene was the Ass to Ass part!”

David Bowie then starts to sing.

Thorn just watches in horror as he knows he lacks the sexual power of Bowie.

David Bowie continues to thrust in the air as some random ass goblin starts to talk about selling Thorn the the Orc Hawkass.

We cut to Billy Watson. He had blown a load so powerful to kill the goblin that it knocked him off the walkways and into the depths below. He somehow survives this.

Hey. It’s Courtney Love. Wait. That’s Gollum. Never mind.

Wait. Shit. I understand Gollum. He lives in a world with Covid. He has no contact with anyone and looks like he hasn’t done personal grooming in 18 months.

It also seems like Gollum’s DoorDash has finally arrived. He had ordered goblin. Though, it wasn’t supposed to be alive, so he rock smashes the dick out of it.

Gollum loses his necklace? Anklet? Bracelet? Oh. Right ring.

He drags the goblin in to eat and just swears the whole time.

We also hear Gollum talking to himself back and forth. What kind of weirdo does that?