Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Mellow Greetings, Twitter! I am Live Reviewer SAR. I hope that my live review of the wondrous Demolition Man can solve your boggle or, at least, inspires joy-joy feelings in all of you.

This movie stars Sly Rocky as John Spartan Kick, Sandra Blindside as Aldous Huxley's cousin, Wesley Snipes as Simon Says Tucson, Dennis Leary as Bill Hicks, and Rob Schneider as an insufferable tool.

The movie came out in 1993 and easily predicted the future.

Especially considering they don't touch each other. Uh. They lived through some version of Covid. Like. Cocktoid.

If I ever realize that no one gives a sweet shit...

Ah, crap. Uh. We're not doing that schtick the whole fucking...

No. Seriously. That's as cliche as eating Taco Bell while reviewing this thing.

...

This was a mistake, but it gives me an excuse to watch a good movie while entertaining myself and no one else.

The rest of you can go back into the fridge or whatever.

So I'm gonna go not get Taco Bell and and watch a good movie for once.

You can watch along...or not. We're not yet living in their little fascist wonderland of no choice nor individual freedoms.

Despite what snowflakes on the reich say about it.

Be right back. I gotta go use the 3 seashells.

We start out in the future of 1996. Los Angeles is a burning hellscape and real estate hasn’t gotten to the point where a burning warehouse costs more than entire towns in the South.

I’m pretty sure I can see my house from here.

We go down to a war zone or, basically, what the after party of a Raiders win is like.

Sly is in a helicopter listening to exposition about how LA had gone tits up socially. Yeah. We know that.

We find out that Wesley Snipes kidnapped a bus full of people and is keeping them on his future site of million dollar lofts.

Sly jumps out of the helicopter after wrapping rope around his waist and breaks his spine. He then slips into a coma that plays out as the rest of this film.

This legit explains the whole movie including the 3 seashells.

I should say before Sly jumps out he says “send a maniac to catch a maniac.” Pretty sure that’s how I ended up with my roommate.

Sly then jumps out screaming Snipes’ name like he’s trying to get his attention so he can blast sweet tunes.

Sly lands and shoots the dude trying to get Batman’s attention

Sly action heroes his way through as Simon Phoenix watches. Simon (Snipes) let’s a bunch of gas out and then does a bump. Sly comes in and demands to know where the passengers are. Snipes tells Sly to go pound sand.

Sparta demands Phoenix to tell him about the passengers again.

Simon then literally puts a blow torch an inch over gas. Uh. That would have started the fire. That’s just gasology.

They then fight. It’s not quite They Live, but still pretty good.

Though, it was weird when Simon kept screaming that he wasn’t going to pay any taxes.

Sly is confused and asks about the passengers. Phoenix laughs as Sly drags him out of the building that explodes behind them.

I should point out it was already on fire, so it was inevitable.

Sly comes out with Simon and we find out Sly is the titular Demolition Man and wasn’t supposed to be there.

Uh. Maybe don’t employ someone who had a nickname that implies he annihilates everything he touches.

His captain yells at him about

Sly tells his captain there were no hostages. Sly says there were no thermal signatures.

Then a fireman comes up and poses for a calendar before telling them they found the bodies of the passengers. Simon says Sly knew. They arrest Sly because they need a plot.

You see in this universe they have no way of doing forensics but can do suspended animation. Figure that shit out.

We find out that Sly has the worst lawyers in history and that cops are held responsible for their actions and the actions of criminals. Weird universe.

Sly is sentenced to 70 years in cryoprison so that he can enjoy the future while the rest of us grow old and die. This makes sense.

We also find out they’re brainwashed while they sleep.

Sly strips naked to get blasted with slushee. It should be pointed out he wasn’t asked to strip, but they were too afraid to contradict him.

They drop Ice Nine into the slushee water and instafreeze Sky’s balls.

Hey. A Vonnegut reference. Aren’t I just well read.

We jump ahead to the future of 2032.

Sly is still a slycicle, but Simon Phoenix is gonna get paroled. Thanks Obama.

We are introduced to Sandra Blindside, a cop for the Los Diego Barbara Indio Rancho Cucumunga Ballet Cub Scout Police. She’s obsessed with the 20th century like some kind of Gen Z hipster.

Everyone sounds like a god damn nerd. Also. Sandra lives in a world with little to no traffic.

It does have a Tesla driving her to work.

We then see Banksy spraying his work on a wall, but antigraffiti tech cleans up the million dollar piece of work.

This causes the squares to take notice.

Dennis Hicks is using a periscope to stream his life and complaints about being hungry and poor.

Sandra goes into police department and we know this is fiction because the operator is helpful…and played by an insufferable tool. Well. The latter is believable.

Sandra complains to Roger Pedactor that there are no crimes. Sandra is a monster who gets off on violence and misery. Like. Seriously. It’s her kink. How else do you explain her obsession with wanting crimes to happen??

Assimilate that information.

Sandra curses and gets fined. I would go god damn broke if they charged me for swearing.

Sandra then bitches to Benjamin Button that work is boring. Again. She wants crime to happen. She is a god damn monster.

You can not and will not convince me otherwise.

Her entire office is filled with contraband. And, apparently, the squares around her allow this even though it’s illegal contraband.

Just goes to show that even in a lame ass police department, they ignore cops breaking the law. Unless they didn’t do it like Sly.

Sandra whines again that she wants action. Action being code for criminal activity. She is the worssstttt.

We cut to Simon being paroled. Again. Before the cop who didn’t kill anyone.

The warden is explaining the Brave New World. Hahahahahahahshsh. Because her name is Huxley and that’s the name of the book!!!!

I am a literary genius!!!!

So Simon is being talked down to by the Warden and Simon translates it to Spanish.

The Warden must be a Trumper because he is pisssssssseeedddd that Simon is speaking Spanish.

He asks if Simon has anything to say. He does. The password for the restraints. It’s Teddy Bear. Even their god damn passwords are lame.

Simon ganks everyone including an awesome “Simon says die.” This scene is great.

Simon does a Murder Death Kill on all the security and rips out the warden’s eye to use it for the biometric lock. So awesome.

We cut to the Cub Scout Department where they are warned of a 187. None of those nerds know what it is. So we know these dorks don’t listen to any gangster rap.

They’re surprised to find out it’s Murder Death Kill. The last one happened in 2010 and these lame asses are clueless.

Sandra pretends to be shocked by this, but she can’t hide the fact it’s getting her all hot.

We find out in their world, they know what’s happening to everyone everywhere. It’s basically the UK.

Sandra doesn’t show any emotion but joy joy feelings as she finally gets to dig into who could have done it. This old dude realizes it’s Phoenix.

It’s at this point I should point out they should have made this movie happen 200 years in the future. There are several people in that room from the before times. They would remember violence instead of being confused. Only the one dude remembers it.

Oh, shit. They have Alexa!

She tells them there is another MDK.

This is too@much joy for Sandra. She continues stalking Phoenix.

Also. This Alexa makes you talk to it like you’re some nerd. Conveyance instead of car.

Oh. And they send out more nerds to stop Simon. We then see their awesome greeting we 100% have to adopt. I don’t want to shake anyone’s hand again. You’re all pig filth.

We cut to these cars that were all designed to make sure you never got laid. Simon jumps out and shoves some whiner off the phone. Like the dude was begging for followers because he was just 20 away from 100!!

Simon searches for porn. I mean the dude has been on ice for 35 years. He goes all autopilot before he can find good stuff and searches for “Person who totally isn’t like Bill Hicks” and lands on Dennis Hicks. He hears a voice telling him to gank him.

Oh, shit. It’s an MC Escher sketch.

Simon then googles for gun. Then swears when it doesn’t tell him how to get it. Also. Simon curses twice and they call the cops on him. Again. I would be broke and in jail for swearing.

The cops immediately show@up because a POC was in a place filled with white people. The cops try to arrest him. Uh. The cops call him a maniac. You don’t know him.

Oh, sure, saying or else makes him go on a killing spree, but you didn’t know that. You dorks didn’t know 187.

Simon then does an override of safety features and has a wall taser a cop. He then beats the ever living dog shit out of cops and. Hehehe. Awesome scene.

The cops whine that it’s not fair. They then scream for more funding.

Simon starts to record a YouTube live stream and blows up a Tesla. He then starts screaming “It’s a prank, bro!!!!”

We are now introduced to the cult leader in charge. Cocktoe. Cocktoe literally brings Simon back to off a guy whose biggest offense is like jaywalking and vandalism.

Politicians. Am I right?

We find out that people who don’t want to be lame go to live underground. They survive by robbing Taco Bell’s and trying to sell their street art.

The dude from Beetlejuice (Otho) comes in to tell Cocktoe what is going on. He is told to enhance his calm.

Cocktoe tells the captain to fix it with not tips on how. Ya know. Politician.

They ask the helicopter pilot from the beginning (who is old as hell) what they did back when. This is Zack Morridad.

He tells them they used Sly to catch Simon.

They watch a YouTube compilation of Sky’s crimes as a police officer and act like it was all good. Ya know. Cop stuff.

They decide that they’re all@so lame they need to bring Sly back.

They thaw Sly and he screams that he needs to piss so bad.

Sandra leads the charge on reinstating Sly. Her boss complains about the old ways. Uh. You were alive before Sly went into the ice box. You would remember this.

We find out there was a big earthquake in 2010 that ganked Sky’s wife.

Haha. And, apparently, Sandra proved his wife. Hot.

They tell Sly that it’s the future and everything is lame as shit. No meat. No booze. No swearing. No smoking. No football. No chocolate. No spicy foods.

Basically hell or Utah.

Seriously. No spicy foods? No meat? No chocolate? What the fuck.

No wonder Sandra wants crime to happen. There is no meaning anymore.

Sly is back on the force. He finds out that people don’t touch (I’m all for this) and people use seashells to pull shit from their ass and scrap off the extra. They’re savages.

Use a bidet if you don’t want to use toilet paper.

Sly meets Zack and they do that make bonding shit. Even Sandra can call that shit. It does get her hot. Like. This is her new kink.

Sly swears like a sailor or me on Twitter so that the violation machine will spit out enough paper tickets that he can wipe his butt with them. Sly is gonna get a paper cut on the ole brown starfish.

They then tell him that everyone is lowjacked. Like the kind of shit the reich claims the vaccine is.

They then use AI to guess Simon will set up a drug lab. Uh. No one in this lame ass future eats spice let alone does smack.

This movie does predict that people rely on AI and AI is still a pile of shit that’ll never become like skynet.

Sly rightly points out that’s stupid. He’s gonna go get strapped.

And the only place to get that is a museum. Man. Their museums are awesome!!!

This museum is the San Angeles Museum of History. It has a preserved street scene from 2010 and Simon is racist. Ugh. Don’t do that.

Simon gets off on all the pew pews. Sly and Sandra and Benjamin Button go to the museum.

First they drive there and we find out the radio plays the worst music. I mean worse than dubstep. It’s just shitty 1950s jingles.

The kind of shit Boomers buy a CD of.

I am lame as hell, but in their world? I would be the most bad ass person.

Simon hammers some nerds and, to be honest, I sorta get it.

Simon swears as he checks out some random weirdo’s collection. As he’s trying to break in we get such a great scene.

Simon uses a nerd to get access. He then finds a phaser. Awesome. Pew pew.

A couple squares try to talk to him and holy crap. They got got.

The museum goes on lockdown as Sky arrives.

Ben tried to google “How deal with mean people” and Sly makes fun of him. Sly then assaults a civilian to test out a weapon.

Sly goes in as Simon uses a damn cannon to break out of the museum.

We then get a very solid fight scene between Sly and Snipes. Snipes is 100% the best part of this movie. He chews the shit out of the scenery and it’s amazing.

He and sly have a shoot out and they end up in that 2010 excavation as early 90s movie music plays.

We get more sweet fighting.

At one point Simon uses a phaser and it’s so awesome he gushes over it. Hell. I’d do the same.

The weapons in the future are so lame that using it just causes Simon to be slightly annoyed. Simon escapes the museum.

He confronts Cocktoe, but Simon can’t hurt Cocktoe. Part of his brainwashing.

Again. Cocktoe unleashed an insane maniac just to gank some dude who didn’t pay a parking ticket. Talking about the solution being worse than the problem.

Sly comes running up and “saves” Cocktoe

Oh. And Cocktoe is old enough to remember the before times but acts like he doesn’t. This movie should be in 2200.

Sandra comes up all hot from the violence and talks about licking ass. Sly doesn’t get it because he’s a Boomer and Sandra is a Zoomer.

Cocktoe invites Sly to @tacobell

Sly fakes being excited. Shit. Dude. Taco Bell is probably the tastiest thing there.

We find out Cocktoe had brainwashed everyone to be lame. We also find out there’s no cash only credits via the lowjack.

Benjamin button talks about TikTok. This movie saw the future.

Taco Bell. TikTok. Not touching due to Covid. Ass eating.

It knew everything.

We then find out Sandra has been obsessed with him and Arnold Swatzenenejdjdhrjsjdjdjs was president.

“Who is president?”

“Arnold.”

“The actor??!”

Meanwhile Phoenix goes to find the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

We cut back to Sly being schooled in the fact that all restaurants are Taco Bell. Which sounds like a god damn nightmare. Not because the food is bad. Hell. I love to have it goes inside my intestines and set off miniature explosions of pain and gas.

No. I mean that trying to do anything related to food sounds like a nightmare

“Where do you want to eat tonight?”

“Taco Bell.”

“Yeah, I know, asshole. I mean which one. Fuck.”

The food in the restaurant is insanely small and probably costs a fortune. Rich people are weird.

Cocktoe tries to justify his shitty brainwashing. Sly rightly thinks it’s lame as shit.

Some rich woman tries to smack him down, but Sly craps all over her.

Meanwhile, Sly sees poor people and knows they’re going to commit crimes. He starts to beat the shit out of the poor, hungry, and homeless.

Now that’s the kind of police behavior I’m used to.

This is Dennis Hicks’ gang of street artists and hobos.

Sly beats them all up and rich people cheer. Glad to see the future is now.

Sandra comes up all hot after Sky beat up the homeless. Sly tries to pretend he cares they’re starving.

He admonishes Sandra. Mostly because he gets off on insulting people.

The Tesla drives them home as Sandra works up the best way to bang. Her place or Sky’s. She wants that virtual D.

We cut to Cocktoe going into his house or office. It can best be described as sinister. This dude definitely has women in his basement.

Simon is there and does this cool bit with illuminate. So cool.

Cocktoe wants Simon to get to it. Simon plays this dip shit and gets him to thaw more criminals. Cocktoe is really stupid and legit doing all this to off a guy who once farted in an elevator.

We then cut to Sandra taking Sly to his place just down from her place. She goes inside and wants to fucccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk. Like. Violence gets her hot. She asks if he wants to bang.

She goes to get ready while Sly strips. Reminder that he is technically 74 and she’s like 29.

She comes back with these helmets and puts one on Sky’s head. They do this weird, seizure-inducing virtual sex thing. Like. It’s god damn nightmare. It’s like the boat scene in Willy Wonka. People in the future are weird.

See. They don’t fuck in the future. They do virtual boinking. Sly isn’t into it and she isn’t into getting it in.

See. It’s illegal to bang or even kiss. Uh.

Kids are made in a test tube, too.

So. No meat. I spicy foods. No chocolate. No sex. No swearing.

This is basically everything Fox claims liberals want to do.

Sandra kicks him out and he goes to his place to talk to himself, trip, be confused by technology, and complain.

Yep. He’s a Boomer alright.

Sly then knits as he watches a boring YouTube channel about Simon not offing Cocktoe.

The next day is awkward. Like Sandra is creeped@out until he hands her a shirt he knitted.

See. They embed a skill into you as you sleep.

Simon got like fighting and torture and shit. Basically, he becomes uber powerful.

Sly can pass 8th grade home economics

Sly is starting to realize that Cocktoe isn’t on the level. He wants to investigate it.

Cocktoe is rich and powerful, so Sly isn’t supposed to do anything against him.

So…nothing has changed.

“When a man like Phoenix has a gun to your head, ten seconds is 9.5 seconds longer than you live.”

So we find out that Phoenix suffers from premature ejaculation. It explains a lot

We get this great scene where Sly threatens Cocktoe while swearing. So Cocktoe’s monotonous voice fines him for swearing instead of that.

“Be well.”

“Be fucked.”

I love this movie.

Cocktoe tells Sandra to put Sky back in the Box. Sly says they’re gonna go find the TMMT because Splinter knows where Simon is.

Oh. This movie predicts the movie Hurt Locker. Awesome.

So. Sandra says “Let’s go blow this guy.”

Sly thinks she made a gaff. No. She wants that Simon says-emen.

Great. A sewer level. Why do they always have a sewer level??

They go into this underworld with Ben. They discover this world of homeless people trying to survive while being free. Sly loves it. Sandra and Ben are confused.

Sly gets a rat burger. Uh. Is this rat burger place also a Taco Bell??

We then get some kind of car show presentation from Sandra.

Dennis Hicks takes them hostage.

Dennis Hicks then does this exact speech line for line.

He doesn’t seem to understand what it means, but says it anyway.

We then cut to Simon hanging with the boyyysssss!

He’s telling them that everyone is so damn lame that they can take@over with the dozen of them.

Even Jessie the Body is part of this.

It’s kinda funny they’re all dressed as Mad Maxx extras.

And Dennis Hicks finds out Simon was hired to off him. Because Dennis Hicks once sneezed on salad I guess.

Simon tries to off them all with the help of his friends.

There’s fighting and a chase. It’s awesome.

Simon escapes the sewer level and jumps into a GTA game. He chose the Tesla.

Meanwhile Sly and Sandra drive out of the sewer using cheats and chase after Simon.

As Sly chases Simon, Sandra gets those joy joy feelings down below.

They get into a chase where Sly jumps onto Simon’s car. They fight while Scarface plays in the background along with the Beetlejuice theme.

Simon tells Sly that the passengers were dead before Sly arrived. Yeah. No shit. That’s not a surprise.

Sly throws Simon out of the car and he, apparently, was trained to ignore road rash or@something.

Meanwhile Sky crashes the Tesla and it has the coolest airbag system. It fills the vehicle with a liquid that instantly turns into a safety foam.

Actually. That’s a terrible idea. If that foam got into your mouth or eyes or anything, you’re fucked.

The police chief tried@to arrest Sly, but that nerd can’t do squat. Sly is then joined by Dennis Hicks and his hobo horde.

I should point out the hobo horde is useless. See. Sly and Sandra go off to@find Simon.

Simon is now at Cocktoe’s and Cocktoe is happy. He talks about creating a new society. Asshole. You already did that.

Simon rightly thinks he’s a monster and has one of his men off Cocktoe.

Uh. Yeah. Only a moron didn’t see that coming.

Simon is going to take over, but Sly and Sandra (Hail Slydra) are out to stop him.

They get into a with some of Simon’s men and Sandra just kicks their ass. Actually. She kicks their balls. Just like fifty nut shots in a row. Their balls are pulverized and she keeps going.

She then shoots another one and she seems to climax. Holy crap.

Sly goes and finds Cocktoe burning. Sly does a pun and Sandra gets excited about the destruction of society.

An alert happens and we find out Simon is gonna defrost 80 psychos. They have to stop them!!

Sly knocks out Sandra and…uh. Oh good. He’s not gonna Ghostdad her. He runs to fight Simon.

Sly puts on a beret to blend in with the nerds????????????????

We have Sly sneaking slowly sideways to Simon

They have a shoot out as the prisoners begin to thaw. Sly randomly screams Phoenix. Uh. He knows you’re there, Sly.

A raptor screams as Sly gets grabbed by a claw machine. It’s like in Toy Story.

They fight and we realize that Simon wasn’t programmed to not off Cocktoe. He’s just that bad a shot.

Simon pulls out a proton pack and starts trying to bust Sly.

More awesome fighting.

Sly drops Ice Nine into the water Simon is standing in and freezes Simon. Simon would move, but Simon can’t say shit.

Sly then subzeros the shit out of Simon and knocks his head off (“heads up.”)

The whole place goes up as Sly slow runs away. In this universe, shockwaves don’t exist.

Sly tells the nerds to work with Dennis Hicks to figure out how to make society less lame.

Dennis Hicks keeps talking about living in Dallas and yelling.

Sly then kisses Sandra without her permission. She likes it and wants to know if the D is better.

So. She went from finding all physical touch revolting to wanting to get woefully unpleasured by a 74 year old guy with no viagra.

Sly asks about the three seashells as Sandra talks about how you use two to pull poop out and the third to scrap.

Uh. Eating ass has to be nasty in this world.

Well. That was Demolition Man and it’s fucking awesome. They should have set it way in the future, but still a good film.

I hope this gave you joy joy feelings or at least didn’t cause any boggles.

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