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Sounds About Right 🌯

23 Jul, 102 tweets, 12 min read

Tonight's review is the intellectual and introspective journey into the very soul of the American Spirit and History.

A true historical analysis that tries to get to the root of our shared American experience.

Of course I'm talking about National Treasure. Let's do this.

It stars Nick Coppola. No. Seriously. That's Francis Ford Coppola's nephew.

*burp*

Okay. Also has Justin Bierbertha and Freddy Kruger's cousin Diane. Also includes Angelina Jolie's Trumper dad.

Also. Sean Bean. He better get ganked.

I should start this off by saying that I will not try to spend too much time pointing out all the historical inaccuracies because I'm a shitty reviewer but not that shitty a reviewer.

I'm gonna go pop some popcorn, dump it into the trash, scream the ABCs like I'm Nick Cage in Vampire's Kiss, put on a bear suit, and turn this shit on.

So we start on a dark and stormy night as a small kid breaks into an attic in 1974. This is either the Nightstalker or Nick Cage as a kid.

He’s looking for reefer when his grandpa scares the shit out of him.

Grandpa drops some knowledge in 1832 and the last signer of the Dec of Ind. See. This old prick has some secret knowledge that he tells his stableboy.

There’s a secret treasure hidden. Treasure from all throughout history.

Of course the conquerors didn’t melt the gold down. Now. They horded like dragons. And the Templars found it and became free masons and all kinds of dumb as shit names people may know.

Honestly. Grandpa sounds like a crazy asshole.

Oh, shit. Grandpa would definitely be posting on fringe websites if he was around. Like he would 100% push Illuminati NWO kind of shit.

Then Jon Voight comes screaming into the room saying “Hunter’s laptop is the key to unlocking my ass!!”

Nick and grandpa ignore him.

Grandpa then knights his grandson. Well. He didn’t. He just lied to him and told him that a knight does stuff like being grandpa his whiskey.

Oh. And grandpa gave Nick the secret The Truth Lies with Good Charlotte. No clue how the founders new about a bland ass band hundreds of years ago.

We cut to Nick Cage being Nick Cage They’re somewhere cold. Like. Toronto.

They’re in big snow mobiles and Justin Biebertha uses computers to find a ship that was lost hundreds of years ago. Computers can do that.

See.

Alexa. Find hidden treasure.

“I found treasure. It’s buying more products from Amazon. I ordered 3k in coffee filters.”

Shit.

They spend a couple seconds and find a bell. And it is luckily positioned so we can see the name Charlotte.

Everything is turning up Cage.

Oh. And Sean Bean is there. He’s the financier. He also has goons.

See. They think this ship has the Treasure of Sierra Madre or maybe Arcadia. That’s a joke for us LA folks.

They go inside this ship that is thankfully intact despite being buried in ice.

Also. If they had waited maybe a week, the whole area would have melted. Ha. Political commentary about the death of our planet!

We also get subtle comments about gun powder or maybe gum power.

They find a nice pipe and Cage immediately puts bud in it and blazes. Then he realizes maybe it’s a clue. Then he screams for munchies.

Justin keeps asking if the pipe is worth money. Nick says it’s a clue. The clue has a riddle.

Oh. And Nick Cage sliced his damn finger and uses it to expose the code. Uh. Go grab a coffee or a pen or something. Like. You don’t have to do that inside that cold ass ship that could explode any second.

Cage mumbles to himself the riddle and figures out it means the Declaration of Independence has an invisible map on the back of it.

Of course.

Then we get swelling music as Nick Cage tells them a word game that sounds like he blazed some really good stuff.

So Sean bean wants to steal the DecInd so they can find the money. Nick Cage refuses. Which is funny because he then decides to steal it himself.

Way to stick to your ethics for a couple days. Pfft.

Oh. And because Cage won’t steal the DecOInd, they decide to…ice him. Hahaha. See. Because he’s in the Arctic or Antarctic or whatever.

I gotta say that Sean goes from financier to shotty mcshoot in two seconds.

Nick Cage uses a flare to ignite 200 year old frozen gum power. Impressive.

Cage and friend escape the burning ship by going into the ole smuggler’s hole if you get my meaning.

I should point out that they survive this, but they have no way to get back. The snow mobiles are taken by Bean. Nick and friend would be frozen and/or eating each other before they got to civilization. The rest of this movie is Cage’s hallucinations as his brain freezes.

They try to hand wave it by Cage saying he knows an Inuit village is close by, but they dead.

So they somehow survive and they go to the authorities to warn them about Bean’s plan.

They meet a historian named Abigail. It’s Abby from now on.

Cage tries to seduce her with his knowledge of George Washington pins. It seems to work until he tells her that Bean is gonna yoink the DecInd.

She doesn’t believe them because she isn’t insane.

Cage then screams and flips the table. He then pours green chili on his chest and goes “You’re gone in sixty seconds if you don’t give me the diamonds, Dr Jones.”

They go and case the joint and Cage screams that he is the owner of a T-Rex skull and he deserves to be king.

Then he mumbles lines from the DecInd.

Then he says “we don’t talk like that anymore.”

I see you glossed over the racism in the DecInd.

They then go to the Lincoln Memorial and Cage pisses in the memorial reflecting pool while doing an Elvis impression.

We then cut to the Library of Congress. Or, as the GQP would be put, “that place libcucks do that thing where they turn the scribbles into words.”

There Justin explains all the security for the DecInd while Cage simps for Edison.

Bringing*

Cage then shits all over Justin and tells him they can do it at the Galla event in the preservation room. So they start doing computer stuff to access security cameras and hidden dressing room cams.

They’re gonna Speed the security feed.

Cage plays a guitar once owned by George as he eats a TV dinner and figuring out which lousy movie he’s gonna do next.

Man. There’s a bunch of legit events to set this up and. Uh. *snores*

Also. Cage chemically laces the Washington pin he gives Abby. I am not sure what the chemical is, but let’s just say she ends up falling in love with the man who@kidnaps her. So. Uh. It’s definitely not good.

They also fire a laser to make the best sensor go off so they have to take the…her password is not secure.

So I have to say that this plan relies upon government workers being slow and lazy enough to not finish a task during work hours. This is the most believable part.

It’s the night of the event and Cage goes in dressed as a janitor. The security guard doesn’t even try to confirm he’s legit. This checks out.

Cage then does a quick change in the bathroom, but not before doing a bump of Cage Candy.

We cut between Sean Bean and his crew breaking in and Cage getting drunk and hitting on everyone. He goes up to Abby so he can steal her fingerprints. It’s not for the heist, he’s just got a weird kink.

Cage then makes it obvious he’s doing something shady so that she makes sure he’s not doing something. Like. She would have just gotten blitzed and gone home if he hadn’t screamed about torture and shit.

Oh. And let me say. Sean Bean got lucky that Cage did what he did. They moved the DecInd specifically because of what Cage did. Otherwise Bean’s plan would have failed miserably. So that’s good.

Sean Bean ducks a dozen swords trying to gank him as he goes down the hallway. He screams time as if that matters.

We then get a Speed knock off moment as Cage goes to use Abby’s password. If she had done a proper password, this heist would have failed.

Way to be shitty at security at our most important archive, Abby.

Okay. This is where it goes weird. Cage starts to slam back this energy drink while playing pinball. Then he goes over and beats the shit out of a giant puppet.

Sean Bean catches him doing this and shoots at him. Cage grabs the DecInd and gets away. He plays more pinball in the elevator where did the pinball machine come from???

Meanwhile Abby gets suspicious and finds out Cage wasn’t in the list. She wonders a bit going “My password is Valleyforge!”

Cage then hides in a gift store and he is accusing of shop lifting. He takes out a credit card and throws it at the cashier. He screams. “My name is Nick Cage.” He then jump kicks in the air and runs away.

As he almost gets away, Abby catches up looking like she’s filming god damn Gone with the Wind. She confronts a man she knows might be dangerous. Real smart.

Cage screams “Zeus’ butthole” as the alarm is tripped. He let’s her take a decoy as Cage leaves. Bean takes her and Cage decides that he wants her as his own.

Cage then suplexes a random jogger before jumping into the van to chase after Bean.

We get a fairly generic chase scene. Well, except he part where Cage gets on top of the van and surfs it like in Teen Wolf.

Bean gets the decoy DecInd and Cage gets Abby…on the Road. Abby Road. Like the…never mind.

Cage then licks the side of the van and whispers “I could eat a peach for hours.”

Then he moves to find a priest outfit.

Oh, shit. It’s the Wolf. It seems that Marsellus Wallace wants to treat careful with this Abby situation.

Abby finds out that Cage is from the family of conspiracy theorists instead of just some random jabroni who stole the DecInd.

We get a police procedural between scenes of Cage karate chopping pedestrians.

Cage then tells his coconspirators that their safe house is burned.

They go to Cage’s dad’s house. Cage spends several minutes just berating Abby. Like way over the line kind of things. He uses words I’m not sure are legal to say.

Abby’s accent slips as she tries to run away. Cage has to take her with him.

Hey. It turns out Cage’s place is above Paddy’s Pub. This makes sense.

We cut to Cage’s dad’s house after more boring police procedurals.

Oh. Wait. First we have Sean Bean figuring out the riddle. You really didn’t need Cage. You just needed google.

Oh, shit. One of the cops is Lucifer!!

Ugh. Okay. Now we get a Cage A&E biography in the police scene. Thanks for the exposition.

Finally we get to Cage’s dad’s house. Voight opens the door and screams “The election was a conspiracy. It’s only 2018!!”

Cage wants the Silence Dogstyle letters. Voight boomers the shit out of Cage’s life choices. Like. Insufferably so. He also screams about some woman’s emails.

Voight goes to watch Fox and screams at the TV during the two minutes of hate.

Cage does Tai Chi as Justin and Abby try to force feed Voight his meds.

Also. To prove it’s real, they unroll the DecInd and use lemons and a hair dryer.

Cage squeezes several lemons into his eyes and screams “what’s in the bag? A shark or something?”

Abby and Justin fight Voight back from eating the DecInd. All this heat produced by this causes the map to appear on the back of he DecInd.

They get a series of numbers that they need to use the letters to decide. Cage body slams Justin into the table to assert dominance.

Voight screams about a border wall and Cage is able to decipher that Voight gave away the letters and all his money to Trump. Trump, thankfully, hates reading and threw them at some nerd who put them in a museum.

Cage, Abby, and Justin leave as Voight begins to auction his house to give the money to his orange master. It’s really sad.

Cage uses child labor to get the letters they need for the riddle.

Sean Bean arrives, too. Literally google is as good if not better than Cage.

So they get the riddle and it says 1. "That's funny, my name's Roger. Two Rogers don't make a right!”

Justin realizes it refers to the signing of the DecInd. Who could have guessed that. I mean. It’s not like this isn’t all related to this *passes out*

So Sean creepily watches a kid and realizes that Cage has been using child labor. He bribes the kid to give him the letters and he instantly figures it out. Like. Bravo Sean. You’re better than Cage.

We cut to a riveting scene where Abby and Cage change in front of each other in an Urban Outfitters or something. They hit on each other and Cage hits a random customer on the head with a hammer.

Abby is suffering from severe Anglo-Sax…err Stockholm Syndrome n

Cage starts a fire in the store so he can see visions that solve the riddle.

Oh. Turns out that every day of the year the sun is in the same position. Therefore the shadows are always in the same spot at the same time. TIL.

Or it’s a glaring plot hole.

Justin uses his superior knowledge of daylight savings time and turkeys to figure out they have time to get to the tower.

Sean Bean uses google to find the next spot.

Meanwhile I realize these kind of action films are terrible for my style@of review. Too much walky walky and not enough talky talky.

Also. Sean Bean is legit figuring this shit out with just google.

Cage commits multiple crimes to find a brick with a free mason symbol based on a shadow. Apparently no one noticed in hundreds of years.

Yeah right. And Cage didn’t try to choke me out when I was in a pet store. I picked up a rabbit to pet when he screamed “Put the bunny back in the box."

He kept kidney punching me over and over as I cried for him to stop. He kept screaming about George and the bunnies and the t-Rex skull he owned.

Oh. And they figure out the next spot is at that famous church in NYC. Saint’s Row or something.

First they have to escape from the Bean Team.

Cage runs one way abs Abby and Justin the other. Justin ignores Abby’s commands.

They hide and I think I shouldn’t let you people pick the movies I review. I’m watching a pretty generic chase movie.

The bad guys shoot at Cage. Cage screams “Killing me won’t bring back your god damn honey!”

He then wrestles a bear after rubbing honey all over himself. This movie is getting weird.

Man. I should have done Face/Off. Just Cage eating peaches and scenery and ass.

Like. This is a very just okay action film. It hits the beats you’d

*feels arms wrap around his neck as the person strangles me*

“Tool up, honey bunny. It's time to get bad guys

I mean. I’m gonna call this one.

I’m not feeling it as a movie to review. I’m having to just make up shit since the story is just best for best heist movie. Okay to watch. Meh to live review.