Thread by @tonnie_wa_juja

Story Za Tonnie : AirBnb party gone wrong.
Airbnb is a service mostly for travelers looking for a space to stay, in Kenya though we use the service mostly to host private parties. Sometimes though, the parties might not go as planned, like in our case with my Boyz... Skiza story

Like I have said before, campus nilijipata kwa gang ya coolkids, people living way beyond my means, to be honest though it was kinda fun, I got to enjoy stuff that my fellow broke cabrones could never experience.

There was this time, one of the girls in the cocoon alikua na birthday. So maboyz wakaamua kuekea huyo dem bash noma. Rich kid wa gang akadai, "yoh guys, si we changa a little cash, like 5k each, we get an Airbnb for Ivy's bash ama?"...Everyone was in, well except me 😂.

A little cash? 5K? Hio pesa ningetoa wapi, kwangu hio ilikua ni rent, plus food na ibaki ingine ya kujivinjari. So I told them I couldn't make, but they already knew that, so they invited me anyway.

So they managed to get a 5 bedroom Airbnb along ngong road. On that Friday wakafika na birthday girl kucheck-in in the afternoon, bash ianze jioni. Mi niliwasukumia Mia saba nilikua nayo shingo upande, angalau niwe nimechangia, lakini nilibaki empty kama kanisa jumatatu.

Jioni everyone was excited kama wakisii siku ya sabbath. Mimi pale bedsitter nikaoga na ndoo, shower za bedsitter hazifanyangi bana. Nikapiga luku na sweatpant moja gwan, tisho fulani bado ilikua na perfume ya mtumba, mguu nikapiga converse, na juu nikaekelea Jacko ya mkadinali.

Nikafika rendezvous kwa keja ya chief organizer, Bobbie, kijana ako machingli kama Gachagua, wengine wakichanga 5k yeye alikua ameekelea a whooping 15 thousands. Akatushow, "my moti is for the ladies, Ivy is bringing friends from USIU, I'll have to go get them"...

Alaaa... Cabron anaelekea bash iko na ghels from USIU na ananuka mutumba? To be honest, it made me a little uncomfortable, nilikua nataka ata kujichuja, lakini haidhuru, nikasema ata jusufu alikua mtumwa misri na mwisho akawa assistant wa Farao, iko nene! 😂

So ninja mmoja akaomba mathake moti, hio ndio ilikua ya kusafirisha maninja, two trips, tulikua wengi bana. Kufika pale, keja ilikua noma ajab, living room ni kama combo bedsitter tano, mbele ni 55" Hisense curved smart TV, Cabron akachanginyikiwa kama mkisii kwa nganya ya Umo!

First things first, kama cabron lazima nifamiliarize na the new habitat, so nikaamua kupiga ile keja tour. All the bedrooms had a balcony na moja ilikua na kiti moja Safi sana, jikoni walikua washajaza fridge na mapochopocho na vinyawaji mbalimbali, it was gonna be a good night.

Kurudi pale living room, maninja na rusungu mingi, vichwa wamefunga durags, mikononi ni drugs, miguu wamepiga Jordans mbwakni, lakini mimi na converse zangu nilikua nakaa out of place kama vile unaeza pata mahindi moja ndani ya beans ukibuy pale kibandaski.

Kidogo, Bobbie akafika na wale maghels, I tell you cabrones, Ivy na mabeshte zake walikua hot kama mafuta ya mandazi, wote wanaboronga rusungu kama Brooklyn natives, hata kama mimi hujichocha, hapa nayo I had no chance, lakini...si hata karobangi sharks walinyuka Everton? 🤔

More ghels were arriving, maninja nao walikua wanachangamka kuwachukua ni kama Lori ya Unga ya sembe ikianguka kakamega. I calculated my chances, to be honest I didn't have any, but mama didn't raise no loser, I gotta win, one way or the other.

Wakiwa kwenye excitement, mimi nikafika kitchen, nikachukua bowl fulani, ndani nikajaza masmokie, samosa, the chocolates, nikachukua mzinga ya Gilbeys na krest litre mbili, na nikachomoka kwa ile balcony ilikua na kiti. Sherehe yangu private vipolite, nikijifikirianga...

It was around 8:30 when I excluded myself from the rest. Niko na dishi, pombe na chaser ninazo, view ya balcony imeweza, na Jacko ya mkadinali haikosangi joints mbili tatu ndani, I wasn't that bad after all. Ndani naskia tu the speakers booming, I didn't wanna go in there...

Around 2am in the night, mi niko tipsy, naskia mlango ya balcony inasukumwa. Nilikua nimeiblock na kiti so nikaitoa nichungulie, it was Ivy and two of her friends. "Hey, you're here, my friend needs some fresh air, anafeel vibaya" Huyo dem alikua maji kama lorry ya clean water.

So nikawafungulia, they stayed with her for a few minutes, lakini bash vile ilikua imeshika they didn't want to miss out, so wakanishow " can you watch her please?" of course I could watch her 😊. Wakatoka wakaniacha na mtu amejimarinate mwenyewe!

That night though I wasn't in the mood, plus that girl was too fly for me, I didn't think even in her drunk state, she would want anything to do with me. Dem lightskin, amepigwa box braids, amedunga dress fupi kuliko maombi ya lunch, tena inashow half of her tirries, damn 😍.

Ass yake ilikua imepop kama boil, then the shape, figure, from the waist down to the hips ako na curves kama freekick ya Beckham. Najua walisema dera bila tako ni kanzu lakini pia wangesema dress ikiwa na tako ni taabu.😍

Pale Cabron alikua anacheza mbali kama Covid patient juu rejection ilikua inakaa sure kama arsenal kukosa champions League spot. Nikaamua kuwasha moja nisiteveve, kidogo dem akaniuliza "can you pass it"nikaipass haraka upesi. Maybe we could get along after all🤔.

With her off shoulder dress, I Knew it was only a matter of time, baridi ianze kumuangamiza. "Fvck, I'm freezing" cabron na ngozi ya kondoo akajifanya gentleman, nikaamua kumvalisha my XXXL jacket. Dorsal view ya ile haga Buda, ni kama dem alikua ameeka chapa mandashi kwa diet.

I was tempted, lakini nikaambia abdala ajifunze kutulia, jamaa wa Sofapaka hawezi cheza mechi ya serie A😂. After a little while she said she was exhausted, she wanted to sit, but we only had one chair, she asked "is it okay if I sit on you, nimechoka"... Baaaaas.!

Msambwanda ya cabron ilikua imepetaka a rare opportunity to feel the tenderness of urban butt cheeks, I couldn't ask for more. At first she sat facing away from me, then she realized she needed a place to lean on, so akapenduka akaniface, whoa! Myyy n!gga, chic was pretty af...

My hands hanging on either side, I wasn't sure if I should touch her, but everything changed when she said "You smell nice". What?? Tisho yangu ya mutumba? ama ni pombe ilikua inamkoroga? Anyway who cares, nikamuekelea mkono kwa mgongo, mgongo tu ilikua ni a big step cabrones!

Then I asked myself, what's the worst that can happen, ata nikipigwa pause, tuko tu wawili, hakuna mtu ataona. I decided to hit the gas peddle and accelerate. Nikawasha joint ingine, kumpass-ia Akashika mkono yangu akanishow " damn, you're freezing as well", that was the sign.

Nikaingiza mkono ndani ya hio jacket then I asked "do you mind"... Smiling she said " not really". I was in, from that point on, it was all down hill.

The song playing was Nandy's number one, so asked her "see I got all my eyes on you, I already got my hands on you, and I haven't done anything bad to you, what's remaining?"

She said, "you tell me" I said "I can only show you" She said "shoot", I said "imma need a few strokes if you want me to shoot" ghel was blushing, I had her where I wanted. The kissing started, she turned Russell Westbrook on my balls, her hands doing tripple doubles😜

We were sure it was happening, tools zilikua ndani ya Kabuti yenye amevaa, nikamtolea. Ya kwanza akararua vibaya 😂, she nailed the second one, vile alinivalisha ungedhani ako na experience ya kumvalisha mtoto boshori! Undies amedunga, zile za kufungiwa kando na Kamba kama viatu

Haraka upesi akafungua side moja, songesha kando, slide in, sauti alitoa ni kama amekalia ile rungu ilimalisa Ringtone. Once in a lifetime opportunity for a cabron, I wasn't going to burst one, at least not until after 10 mins, I had to hold it together, hio coochie sio kienyeji.

5 strokes in, tukaskia PU! then the music stopped, then some noise, like a fight or something. "What's happening, let's go check it out" Gaddamit! Heri ata ningekua nimepiga 7 fire seconds nikanut, opportunity gone!

Kuingia ndani nilipata chupa ya Gilbeys imedunga ile Hisense kama kisu kwa sembe. Apparently, Bobbie Mapesa was fighting na ninja fulani over Ivy or so the story went. Bobbie anaona hakuna vile amechanga pesa nyingi hivyo tena atokwe manzi

But to be fair Ivy alikua kwa general population, the ninja with game amchukue, ni kama Bobbie alilose hio battle akaamua kwenda physical. Anyway, sasa ilikua wajue vile hio screen inalipwa, seventy thousands!! Na mimi mia saba nishapeana, that wasn't going to be my problem.

Ngware mi nilichomoka masaa ya mafungulia ng'ombe mi nikawaacha wabakai wadeal na hio upuzi. Sina pesa na wataanza kusema sijui we changa... Nooooh no! 😂Waliopigana wadeal na hio kesi

Airbnb iko na sherehe murua, lakini mkiwa na majamaa wajinga, inaeza kua ngori sana.

The tales of The Broke Cabron continue....

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