Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Tonight I'm going to be reviewing the Point Break remake from 2001.

*checks notes*

Wait. Sorry. They called it "The Fast and the Furious." My bad.

I'm a pretty big car guy so I know that they drive vehicles. Yeah. Didn't expect so much knowledge did you??

Let's watch this.

This movie stars Paul Runner as Keanu Reeves and Vin Regular Octane as Patrick Swayze.

And just to talk about the elephant in the room. A tragedy if you will.

Yes. Vin Diesel did think he could go do other movies and skip 2 of the sequels (besides a minor cameo).

But we see he came coming back for more...money.

Also. Pitch Black was awesome.

Like. That movie had more awesomeness packed into it than this whole series.

More realistic, too.

Or, hell, just read my review of Point Break. It's basically gonna be the same. Just with more car references I don't understand.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1413360074349703173

I'm gonna go look up what an "engine" is and come back and get started.

We start out at a dock worker tipping off someone about a load leaving the port.

A bunch of surfers in president masks…

Err. Sorry. A bunch of drivers hijack the truck doing improbable things and the driver didn’t do what most would do. Brake.

The driver fights back, but they tickle him and he passes out.

They continue to do unnecessarily dangerous stunts because it’s a movie.

We cut to the shot of LA everyone uses and we see Paul Runner in the Dodger Stadium parking lot driving too fast, too furious.

There’s a dark humor joke to be made when he cocks it up.

Oh. Now he’s transported above the parking lot. Makes sense.

Walker goes to a corner store and creeps on the waitress. We find out he comes there every day and annoys the shit out of her.

Oh. She’s the tank girl character from Point Break.

A bunch of people is cars modded to look like shit pull up while bland rock music plays.

Hey. It’s that dude I follow@on Twitter. He’s the best part of this movie.

V is some bruh bro who doesn’t like Walker creeping. Don’t worry. She’s not 16. He’s not interested.

Okay. One reference.

Vince is the jabroni who looks like he bullies elementary kids who don’t know what nu metal band he’s listening to is called.

He uses a slur at Walker. Not cool, Vince.

Vince pushes Walker and they tickle fight. Like. I’m pretty sure I got in a bigger fight in a grocery store once. Bitch. That was my mango.

Vin Swayze goes out to break up the fight and to tell people that XXX 3 is totally gonna be awesome.

Vin calls Walker out and tells him to leave his sister alone. Uh. Yeah. He’s a creepo. You should hate him.

Diesel also tries to get Walker fired. We see his boss yell at him a little.

Walker screams for NOS. He wants to put it in his car.

Oh. Hey. I’ve been by that place they race at.

There’s a big car show. Everyone listens to terrible music while pretending to know about vehicles.

Walker meets Hector. Hector asks Walker questions and Walker starts to scream about how he’s not Johnny Utah.

Other racers come up asking if he’s Johnny Utah. This is interrupted when Diesel and crew drive up in ugly as fuck cars and try to flex.

Diesel’s girlfriend gets jealous and who cares. Their love story is one of the weakest things in the series.

Next we see the racers betting on a race. Walker comes up and bets his car and says “I want respect” like he’s god damn Fredo.

It should be pointed out that Reeves’ character in point break was cool as hell. Walker is a whiny baby who throws tantrums. He’s basically a Mary Sue anyway.

Why do people like these movies again??!

They then go to street race. That always ends well.

So they line up with Walker not being able to stop at a line. Pathetic.

Then each car has a moment to play shitty music and show off their ugly ass cars.

Walker does that whole self help “I’m a winner” shit. Just…pathetic.

Some asshole has a Sega Dreamcast or an Atari in their vehicle. This movie predicted how god damn often we would consume entertainment.

They all rev their cars like some prick at a red light in a Chevy nova and then drive off.

Man. Watching Reeves surfing was more entertaining and all he did was rub his board with wax and say Whoa.

Walker starts his NOS too early and blasts into first place. They try to make it like they have blocked off all intersections, but they drive like 50 miles based off how fast they drive and the eternity this race lasts.

At one point Walker’s computer says he has a virus and he should stop using NOS. Walker is apparently my grandma and thinks@closing the computer will fix it.

They continue to drive at the speed of boredom as Walker’s car shits the bed and Diesel wins.

Uh. I guess they somehow did a circle because they end up back where they were. Or maybe they drive back? Who cares.

Walker struts up like he won because he’s a fucking idiot.

“Dude. I almost had you.”

I told that to Michael Jordan when I shot at the basket and it landed 10 feet away from it. You suck ass, Walker.

Diesel eviscerates Walker.

Then the fuzz comes.

Apparently they were done with the 187 in Glendale.

Anyway. The cops chase after anyone not white as thousands of people scatter in perfect unison.

Because street racing fans are all the best at racing. Right.

Diesel parks in a garage and walks down a dark street. The cop driving by fast somehow knows it’s Diesel and gives chase.

Walker drives up too furious and says “Come with me if you want to live!”

I kid. They’re too lame to do that.

I mean why not rip off even more action films ya wimps.

Diesel then does a Teen Vogue Quiz with Walker. “Ever been to the prom? Does he like your shade or lipstick? Have you ever been to jail?”

Walker is like “Uh. I totally did stuff. Like. I did crimes and stuff.”

I’m more convincing that I’m funny than he is with acting.

That’s not a compliment for me.

We find out that Diesel’s friend uses the interwebs to find out Walker did crimes. Did you google “Paul Walker crimes he did” or something?

Hollywood still knows jackshit about the internet, so whatever.

We also find out that Diesel went to jail once and will never go back.

At that moment a bunch of bikers with guns force them to a secluded spot.

Man. Such a pulse pounding moment as the Nazis in Point Break…err. Asian gang members that they got lost. This was before smart phones.

Lance and other dude glack the car as he tells them they’ll meet in the desert. Or maybe he meant they’ll meet for dessert.

So the vehicle Walker break goes boom boom.

We find out that Diesel had a business issue with the dude and boinked his sister. Uh. Okay.

They take a taxi back to their house. Diesel invites Walker in. Man. It’s like when Swayze pulled Reeves into his circle in Point Break.

Diesel gets pissed his buddies are enjoying themselves while he was trapped out.

Diesel grabs Vince’s beer and gives it to Walker.

Walker drinks it because STDs don’t exist in their universe because there’s no way Vince doesn’t have some unknown VD.

See. Diesel is pissed that his friends bailed on him and Walker saved him. Vince is all butthurt Walker took his shitty corona.

This being a PG-13 film, we basically get dry humping at the party and talk of massages. Cool.

Wouldn’t want to actually be entertaining.

Diesel reminds Walker “You owe me a ten second car.”

Uh. I’m pretty sure he won’t last ten seco…oh. You mean the car.

Diesel’s sister takes Walker in back because the script calls for it. Some creepy asshole who has stalked you for weeks saves your brother and you trust him. Right. Like. She trusts him enough to take him back to his place.

The next day Walker gets pulled over by Gary Busey. No. Sorry. It’s the insanely talented Ted Levine. He’s the best actor in this whole movie.

They take Walker to this house and we find out this is Point Break and Walker is Reeves.

Levine starts to scream “It puts the lotion in the basket!”

Then he high fives Monk while we get exposition that is “Hey. It’s Point Break but with truck jacking not banks.”

We find out they Walker’s boss is a CI and that Walker can’t act.

Walker gets a busted ass car frame and brings it to Diesel as payment.

Oh. Are we gonna get a montage of friends fixing a car together??

Chad tells us the specs of the car and says it’ll be 15k to fix.

Diesel decides this new guy who he saw suck ass at driving and destroyed said car should race for him. Right.

We then get a rendering and Chad shows how cool it could look. Chad is the second best actor in this movie.

We find out that Chad is good at cars.

I like his character. Probably the only person in this movie I like besides Levine.

Vince comes over and sees Walker. He gets all jealous that he’s not Diesel’s number one man.m and drives off.

We then get a lunch scene. Oh no bet we get bonding!!

I should point out that these people only talk about cars. God damn. Get a hobby that isn’t cars.

Vince comes back and screams “Who wants a new VD??!”

We then cut to Walker hitting on the sister. Yeah. Again. He was your stalker. Why are you talking to him????!

We then find out Vince likes Mia (Diesel’s sister). She uses Walker to make Vince jealous. Vince storms off.

Again. Walker has the personality of wet paper in this.

Then we cut to Hector and his crew coming in to buy a bunch of stuff. Walker is racist as shit and assumes Hector is the criminal hijacking gang.

So. He’s boring and racist.

We then see Walker stalking Hector, breaking into his place, and destroying any god damn case they would have. He doesn’t have a god damn warrant. This is insanely illegal.

So he’s boring, racist, and a criminal who ignores the constitution.

As Walker is leaving to go eat white bread, he gets jumped by Diesel’s gang.

You see. Diesel suspects him for breaking into Hector’s place.

Walker somehow talks his way out of it because the script calls for it.

Like. In the real world no one would have trusted his lame ass excuse. But. Movie!

Vince rightly calls himself a cop, but Diesel is easily duped by Mary Sue Walker.

See. Walker says he was spying on the competition. So Diesel takes him to Lance’s garage to sou there.

Ya know. The group that uzied their god damn car. This seems stupid.

So Johnny and Lance come back because dramatic irony. They have brought Walker’s fake boss there and basically force him to get them engines.

I should point out that the cop suspecting a violent gang as the criminals while not thinking his new friends are is THE GOD DAMN PLOT OF POINT BREAK!!!

We then cut to Walker talking to his police cops.

Oh, my god. Walker whines for a cigarette while Levine tells him to stfu.

Then Walker assaults a coworker. Uh. He would be arrested.

We also find out that Diesel beat a guy with a wrench and that’s why he went to jail.

We then cut to Diesel doing teen gossip about girls.

Diesel then says “I wanna show you something” and takes Walker back to his place. He takes him in the rear, pops his garage, and shows off his big muscle…car.

We then see Diesel’s car that his dad and him built together and then we find out Diesel’s dad burned to death in a crash. Oof uh. Awkward.

We also find out that the dude Diesel beat near to death was the guy who caused the crash.

And then we get the dumbest god damn line ever. “I live my life a quarter mile at the time.”

We also find out that he doesn’t give a shit about friends and family. No. Seriously. He calls them bullshit compared to driving.

We then cut to the date between Creepy Mary Sue and Mia.

We find out that Diesel and his group were childhood friends. I don’t care.

Point Break is infinitely better than this.

And, somehow, it has the better actor in it for the lead.

We then cut to Mia driving like a piece of shit down the street. Just like her brother and friends.

We then see that another hijacking happened. We also find out Mia slept with her stalker. Creepy.

Seriously. He stalked her for weeks and they act like that’s no big deal.

We then cut to the police raid that’s gonna bring down Johnny. Really shitty music plays. Like I played harder musical on the recorder.

The soundtrack for this movie could best be described as “Unbearably forgettable.”

We find out that Johnny and his friends aren’t the hijackers.

Yeah. I’ve seen Point Break. This movie doesn’t have the balls of them blasting Johnny and gang like Point Break did with the Trump supporters.

Levine rightly points out it’s Diesel. Levine comments that Mary Sue Walker is blinded by his need to have premature ejaculation.

We then see them drive through Malibu. Oh. Look. There’s Reeves screaming out “You ripped off Point Break.”

We get a street race b/w Walker and a Porsche while bland music blasts. It’s about as hard as Jello.

We then go to the diner beside the beach that Reeves met Tank Girl a decade before.

Diesel asks how Walker is emotionally.

Walker cries like he’s on a reality tv show and says he wants to make more money.

He then does the subtle “Hey. I know you’re the hijacking crew and I want in.”

Diesel blindly trusts Mary Sue Walker.

We then cut to them have dessert. Wait. Sorry. This is R A space CE wars. I don’t want my account on some list using that. The context of that is not great especially online.

We then see sexier dbags talk smack about Diesel’s girlfriend “Girls can’t drive!!!! “

See. People bet on these races. Most of the people seem to not have NOS. Why??

Walker finally shows up as Chad gets ready to race against Johnny.

Chad is betting his dad’s car. Racing for pinks!!

Chad, sadly, doesn’t listen to Walker. Uh. Wouldn’t they have told Chad what they knew about his vehicle?

But they need to create drama. Chad drives off without giving the vehicle to Johnny.

Johnny comes up yelling about how Diesel better get his car. Then Johnny whines about the cops coming in his house.

Diesel decks Johnny after Johnny did:

They have a slap fight and are separated. Diesel screams that he would never narc because narcs are lame.

We then cut to a night party as more awful@music plays. I legit don’t remember music sucking this much 20 years ago.

We see Mia arguing with Diesel and crew as Walker creepily stares.

Walker then yells at Mia and tells her he’s a cop. Way to@blow your cover.

Also. Good luck with any kind of case against Diesel. Jackass.

Walker tells her she needs to help him help Diesel as the worst techno song plays.

Walker uses a dowsing rod to figure out where Diesel is gonna be. I’m kidding. Walker calls the cell company to trace it.

They then speed to catch up with people who are speeding. So. Somehow he can easily catch up.

They get into their ugly mobiles to do another jacking.

We also get the “I got a bad feeling” bit every shit movie uses. Diesel talks about this being the score and then it’s a beach in Mexico. Uh. Dude. You spent 15k on that crap car Walker brought you.

I assure you a trip to Mexico is less than that.

Walker is somehow able@to cover 40 miles faster than faster than him cars can drive because plot convenience.

We now get to see the talents of the hijacking crew. At the beginning of the movie they did a good job. Now they conveniently suck at it. Good times.

We also see that the truckers are blasting with shotties. Vince or whoever is stuck on the front of the truck and gets into Diesel’s car after *snore*

Gee. The last job that goes bad.

Uh. Point Break not only had them rope the cop into doing it on camera, several members get iced.

We got a god damn sky diving seen in Point Break. In this we get “guy with STDs holds onto the front of the truck while people in cars try to keep him from getting proper fucked.”

Diesel’s girlfriend crashes and

*yawn*

Man. I wish I had a burrito. It’d make these lame chase scenes better.

Walker magically appears just as Diesel’s car conveniently breaks. Way to go faster than cars faster than your cars.

Man. How much better would this movie be if that Vince dude stayed on the front of the truck until a truck stop. Then the truck driver and him become friends and go on adventures together.

I want to watch that over this bland ass action movie that spawned 9 more of these bland ass movies.

Why couldn’t we have gotten like Point Break 2-10? Just have Bodhi come surfing up to Reeves chilling on the beach.

“You survived the wave, bro?”

“Yeah, bro!!!”

Oh. They got Vince off the truck and we find out Walker is a medical diagnosis dude.

Walker has great cell reception in 2001 desert. Right.

He calls for an ambulance and they get there in a helicopter ambulance within ten minutes. We know this because Dr Walker said he had 10 minutes to get to the ambulance or die.

How convenient.

Diesel is pissed Walker is a cop as teen drama breakup music plays.

Walker pulls up to Diesel’s house and they have an acting off.

It’s intriguing.

Wait. Wait. So Diesel wants to be let go since Chad is in trouble. Uh. Why did you go on your hijacking if you knew Chad was in trouble?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chad pulls up at that moment because script. And Johnny and Lance show up and murder Chad because movie script. Timing is always perfect.

Walker gives chase as Diesel gets into this bad ass muscle car.

Shitty music plays. Just so awful.

Walker endangers the lives of children in the neighborhoods he drives through by speeding (using NOS) and antagonizing bikers with uzis who shoot at him.

Way to be a menace.

Right then Diesel uses Jason Vorhee’s teleportation powers to appear in front of them even though that would be IMPOSSIBLE.

He would have to break the space-time continuum to do that shit!!

One of the bikers crashes and Walker chases the others and unloads from@far away in a crowded neighborhood with other people and cars around. Uh. Walker is a god damn menace!!!!!!

You know who these people are. You can arrest them later with the police and not risk lives.

I kid. You’re like LAPD. Endangering lives is what you enjoy.

So Walker murders the biker by shooting him as he drives away.

Yep. Definitely LAPD. Walker drops a bag of coke and a gun beside the body.

Diesel drives off in his bad ass car and Walker gives chase. They teleport to San Pedro from Downtown LA.

They pull up beside each other and Walker decides to street race him. Right. You are a terrible cop.

Again. At this moment in Point Break we got a great sky diving scene. Here we get 2 assholes racing. They say it’s a quarter mile. TIL a quarter mile takes over a minute when you’re going 110.

They both beat a train just barely. They put more lives at risk. Way to go Walker. You could have killed@dozens.

Diesel gets into a wreck and Walker comes@over to see Diesel barely scratched. Uh. You did like 80 flips. You would be jacked up.

Walker stands beside Diesel as we hear sirens. We know Diesel Don like jail, so Walker gives Diesel his keys. “I owed you a ten second car. Also. It’s not like we endangered lives today and you hijacked peo…oh. Shit. Uh. Give me the keys back!!!”

Diesel gets into the car and drives away as Walker slo mo walks.

So that was The Fast and the Furious. A poor man’s version of Point Break. Point Break had a massive body count with Reeves and Swayze losing damn near everyone. It ends with Reeves respecting Swayze enough to let him die in a god damn monster wave. This had Diesel driving away.

This movie had a shitty soundtrack, ugly as fuck cars, and acting best described as belonging in a forest.

It was Point Break without the balls.

Watch it if you want to watch cars go voom and the plot go repeat.

Seriously. Just watch Point Break. It’s the same plot but way better.

And it had Busey eating all the scenery.

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