Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

And as a taste. I’m reviewing Star Wars: The Phantom Menace right now.

Come watch me suffer.

I have not seen this since the theaters. I hated it that much.

https://twitter.com/soundsaboutrig4/status/1421330145235771395

@DuckieNinja @RegaNorwegian @fecologist

This pile of trash stars Liam Taken as Old Jedi, Ewan McDLT as Not Obi Won, Natalie Starboard as Queen Amendment, and Kiera Knightly as distraction.

We start with a text scroll about god damn embargoes and taxes. You just know this shit is gonna be great.

Jedi Taken tells the Trade Embargo Squids that they’re gonna board whether they like it or not.

We get 3CPO’s lame ass cousin coming forward to greet two Jedi knights. Jedi Taken and Padawan Trainspotting.

What the fuck am I doing. I had one small glass of booze and I made a rash decision.

No one is gonna read this. No one. Except like Meh and that’s only to taunt me.

Seriously. What the fuck are these Trade Federation assholes look like? Oh. The Martians from Spaced Invaders.

Sorry. I’m legit regretting this. It was a rash decision.

Okay. Let’s do this shit.

So the Martians are freaked out when C3-69 tells them the ambassadors are Jedi. Well. A Jedi and a padawan.

They. Call Palapatine. Oops. Lord Papa Sith.

He tells them to ice the Jedi and invade Muhboo

The Jedi drink tea that could have been poisoned as the ship they flew there in gets glacked.

They the pump in a very visible gas. I mean why off them silently with Carbon monoxide when you can make it obvious.

The Martians also assume the Jedi can’t hold their breath, so they open the doors. The robot army go to shoot the Jedi corpses. Like. Why?? Just keep the doors closed, wait a week, and turn their bodies into slurry for Robocop.

C3-69 comes out as the Jedi take out their lightdaggers and make the droids their force bitches.

The Martians shit themselves as they realize that the most notorious group of warriors wasn’t brought down by a handful of marionette puppets.

Master Taken tries to cut through the blast shield when battle droids appear and the Jedi are able to move at Mach 3 to evade. We never see this power again.

The Martians brag until they hear the Jedi went into the ventilation shaft.

The Jedi then split up and go on separate ships because Jedi are morons.

Then Queen Starboard calls the Martians while cosplaying as a clownfish.

Queen Starboard is confident the ambassadors would have made oh my god how is embargo shit part of a Star Wars movie??

We then see Lord Papa Sith calling Queen Starboard and he does that whole “Oh. I’m losing you. I’m going through a tunnel.”

We hen find out the Muhboo are idiots with no standing army in a universe with aggressive intragalactic planets.

Queen Starboard doesn’t want to fight. She’s like the anti Braveheart. Queen Cowardlung.

We then find out that the Martians realize the Jedi went down to the planet. Hey. Luckily for the Jedi, the two different ships landed beside each other.

Also. Why did they land on the opposite side of the planet to invade? God damn everyone is stupid.

Everyone in the Star Wars universe is an idiot in these prequels. Think of this galaxy as the Idiocracy of galaxies. Morons from the bottom up

We then have the Jedi trying to not get crushed by the invasion force when they stumble into a pile of shit with long ears. This is JugJug Finks.

Jugjug is a frenchman who is drunk. So drunk he doesn’t remember how to get home. Also. He’s been banished for being an annoying fuckwhistle.

The Jedi whine that they can’t possibly fight the droids that they’ve already shown are barely better than piles of sticks in a fight.

I think they just want to go drown JugJug.

The Jedi are actually Boy Scouts and are prepared for god damn swimming even though they went to a space ship with no intention of swimming.

But they keep breath…fuck it.

It turns out JugJug can’t drown, despite Jedi Taken and Jedi Trainspotting attempting for ten minutes to do it. JugJug thought it was a marine ritual.

They end up at the underground French city of ShitDoesNotFloatHere.

We then meet Boss Hogg. He uses racial slurs about the Muhboo.

The Jedi then gaslight the shit out of these dumb fuck underwater slugs.

So they’re given a submarine and told to go through the planet core. Which makes no god damn sense since it’d be like god damn 5000 degrees in the center.

The Jedi decide that they’ll filet JugJug later and take the annoying slug with them.

We find out that the reason JugJug was banished was because he cut gutted several children and feasted upon their entrails.

But the slugs are libcucks and let him go with banishment. Honestly, they just wanted to find an excuse to get rid of JugJug.

We also find out that the food chain on the Muhboo planet loves to be visual to Jedi. “There’s always a bigger fish to shove up your ass” Jedi Taken says.

We then get more political talk with Lord Papa Sith.

We then cut back to JugJug being the most annoying dbag since TFG was last on Twitter.

We cut to the invading force still being far away because EVERYONE is so god damn stupid that they give ample time to…this movie is stupid!!!!

The Martian droids capture Queen Starboard and they declare victory.

We then get the Martians saying they’ll force the Queen to sign a legal contract. The Martians are Dennis from always Sunny.

The Martians then have the droids process the Queen instead of making her sign the contract to legalize the invasion because they’re fucking idiots.

Did everyone in this galaxy huff paint thinner for a month????

I should point out there are like 2 dozen people on all of Muhboo. We never see citizens. Just a handle of

*farts*

As the droids take the Queen and her court to Camp Anawanna, the Jedi sneeze at the droids. The droids all shut down and they decide to escape.

We get political talk and I can feel my blood trying to clump up to cause me a stroke.

Jedi Taken tries to talk his way past the guards, but the droids are LAPD and decide to shoot them@for asking questions

We then get a boring as shit fight as the droids just flop like god damn football players.

The ship then gets lit up by the blockade ships. And the shield generator gets got and

*snores*

So R2DOU fixes the shield and *yawns* turns out they need to get a refuel or some shit on Tattooween. It’s called by Pizza the Hutt.

We then get a zoom call with the Martians telling Lord Papa Sith that they escaped.

He sends his student Darth Pop Punk to find them. Dude is so bad because he has spikes on everything and doesn’t clean up his room when his mom asks him to.

We then get a scene where Queen Starboard finds out the previous IP droid R2DOU was the one who saved them. So that’s where he came from. How amazing. OMG. That’s the origin of them finding that droid. Because that matters.

We then get a scene where Queen Starboard is pretending to be a Handmaid’s Tale and cleaning R2DOU while JugJug annoys the shit out of her.

They land on Tattooween and we find out the hyperdrive is borked.

Jedi Taken takes R2DOU and JugJug with him. The Queen tags along in disguise.

They walk through the desert as they go to a set piece we know because they’re unimaginative hacks who want to…ugh…I hate JugJug

They wonder around this shithole town where people drive by in trucks with Hutt flags and truck nuts.

They decide to go to this small dealer and want to get the parts.

We get introduced to Amakin [to Luke] Skywalker.

He hits on Queen Starboard and my ears bleed as he fights@to be worse than JugJug.

We find out Amakin is owned by the flying character dealer known as Waddle.

JugJug tries to out annoying Amakin.

We then get a scene of Jedi Taken trying to gaslight Waddle, but he’s not some cuck. Mind tricks don’t work on him because he hasn’t huffed paint.

Jedi Taken has because he believes Waddle at his word.

Jesus. I think this movie is making my nose bleed.

We then get some hot part negotiation as I negotiate with my liver.

JugJug fucks around and finds out that people won’t take his shit on Tattooween. A podcast racer named Suckbulba chokes JugJug the fuck out. JugJug passed out as Sucklebulba watches the light leave jugj’s eyes. Suckbulba has a raging hard on from this.

Before he can kill him, though, Amakin interrupts by speaking some bullshit language that sounds like someone burnt their tongue on just microwaved hot pockets.

Jedi Taken thanks Amakin and goes to huff more paint thinner.

Amakin annoys the shit out of them. They try to leave his ass behind, but a sand storm kicks up and Amakin takes them to his shitbox of a hat.

Fuck. This scene reminds me of Friday the 13th Part 4. The weird kid drags a total stranger to his room to show off his creepy creations.

Jedi Taken stays behind to rail Amakin’s mom. Turns out Darth Invader sent Jedi Taken back in time to plow his mom and to save him from the Terminator.

JugJug watches as he stands in the corner and plays with his baguette.

This is he uncut version. Speaking of uncut, Jedi Taken is just giving it to her.

We then cut to Amakin showing Queen Starboard his protocol droid. CMePee.

Why the fuck a slave would build a god damn protocol droid is beyond me.

We cut over to a distress call from Muhboo saying that they’re being forced to watch Rise of Skywalker on loop. They need help.

We all know what this is

We cut to Lord Papa Sith talking to his apprentice Darth Pop Punk. He’s being sent to Tattooween to find Queen Starboard for a ménage a vomit.

We then get the most hamfisted scene to find out Amakin has a podcast. He just keeps telling Jedi Taken to retweet the link. It’s so embarrassing that his mom looks away.

Jedi Taken starts to choke out JugJug when JugJug tries to sass him.

Amakin calms Jedi Taken by telling him that the Jedi can gamble in the life of a child. Taken loves it.

See. Taken needs money to buy more paint thinner and to get the parts to leave.

Amakin is gonna risk his life so Taken can get blitzed.

Taken decided to bet the ship he doesn’t own against the parts and shit. I don’t know. Who cares.

*burps*

We get some dumb fuck negotiations scene. What makes it creepy is that JugJug keeps pounding off in the corner going “Messa Gonna cummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”

Taken goes back to Amakin’s to rail his mom and to find out if Amakin is a Jedi.

Taken keeps talking about the force.

We also find out that Amakin’s mom is a god damn liar. She claims he’s a virgin birth. If that was the case they’d make a religion about you that protected priests from consequences.

We then get a scene where kids shit all over Amakin. No wonder he turned evil.

JugJug then gets tasered. It’s really difficult to watch.

Amakin gets this shitbox podcast working. He starts it by thanking his sponsors.

We then get a seen where we find out Amakin is an uneducated yokel as Taken takes his blood.

Taken claims it’s to check for infections, but we all know he’s going to inject it into himself to become younger and more powerful.

We also find out that Amakin has the highest level of menonchlorines ever. At least like 4 of them.

Darth Pop Punk lands on Tattooween and begins searching the desert for paint to huff.

When he can’t find it, he sends an Amazon delivery drone out to find some paint thinner.

Holy shit I just zoned out. Uh. They did more gambling and I tried to will my brain into shutting down.

Oh. And we find out from some shitbag kid that Amakin has never finished a race. He always takes his ball and goes home. Taken believed in Amakin or at least in risking his mom.

We then get to the great podcast race. It’s a bunch of annoying podcaster trying to get the most followers before the time ends.

I am going to skip this because all it is is podcasters thanking their sponsor over and over again while making bland commentary about crimes committed by Taken.

Instead of doing a beat by best of this podcaster race, I’m just going to talk about how shitty and pointless the prequels are.

We could have had a cool story about Luke Sky…*remembers The Last Jedi*

Never mind.

Instead I’m gonna drink while contemplating my life choices.

Like the fact I remember seeing the trailer for this when I was a kid and being excited. I thought “Holy crap. This is amazing.”

I thought that I could finally see a Star Wars film while in the theaters like my parents had.

And I did, but it was this no can say I had a bit of a crush on Queen Starboard.

*stares at wall*

That’s where it all went wrong.

A man can only see so much suckiness in one place before it changes him. Some stare into the void and are made stronger by it. They test their metal.

Well, turns out I’m made from tin. And not good tin. Some shitty knockoff tin you find in a dollar store.

I had hopes. I had dreams. I thought “When I’m an adult, maybe I could write the next Star Wars!!”

Turns out I could have at least in terms of quality.

*lays head back*

My hopes died on the battlefields of Naboo along with my innocence.

I even saw the god damn trailer by going to see Wing Commander if I remember correctly. Wing Commander!!!!!!!!!

Man. All these years I have been denying it. Holding this all in as I stumbled through life. Never quite sure what my place in the world was.

And as I watch this I realize that that was when the cracks began. Where I first realized adulthood sucked all the ass in the world.

By the way. Suckbulba is in the lead as Amakin gets second amendmented by a Tuscan Raider.

I just need to curl up for a minute and try to come to terms with the human condition. That most of us will never find he success we dreamed of.

That we just move through this life hoping to hit the life lottery. Whether a financial windfall or a writing gig in Hollywood.

And watching this movie and realizing that PEOPLE WERE PAID FIR THIS is making me want to…Jawas!!!! give up.

Because it’s all about luck and the lord papa Sith knows I lack that.

Amakin won

Do…do I have to continue this? What’s the point. Life has no meaning. All it is is one shitty prequel after another.

Okay. Where the fuck was I?

Oh. Right.

No one is reading this. So I’m going to say fuckkkkkkkkkk yoouuuuuu alllllll!!!

Amakin is freed and his mom has to stay. Taken dnnnnndndnndnndndndndnddnnddndndndndndndndndndndndndndnd

So glad some of my followers can all be friends and chat while I’m stuck here watching this cinematic abortion that caused my hopes and dreams to be dragged into a shed and shot like Old Yeller!!!!!!

Nothing has happened in this movie. Nothing. What is going on. That asshole wrote these movies and his sycophants just said “Oh. A kid playing Amakin and a thirty minute podcaster plot line?? Yesssss!!!”

Anyway. Amakin goes with Taken. Just before they get to the ship, Taken tries to leave Amakin to die from thirst.

Unfortunately for him, Darth Pop Punk attacks at that moment.

There is a lame fight and Taken jumps into the ship. Apparently, the Jedi don’t know the stories of the Sith because, again, they all huff paint thinner.

We cut back to Muhboo where nothing happens. Thanks for that.

Then back to the ship. Queen Starboard sneaks into search the internet for makeup tips. “How does one put on makeup with less than ten pounds of mascara??”

We then see Amakin shivering in a corner. Apparently the ship doesn’t have a heater. Galactic travel, but can’t do air conditioning. Way to go, idiots.

Amakin and Queen Starboard chat.

Oh. Can I point out in their lame ass universe they don’t have tv or internet or porn or anything??!

They can go light speed, but can’t be bothered to find entertainment more interesting than hologram Archon

Okay. My drink is refilled and my will to go on is at an all time high of 1 out of 8484838383838483839339393939393939393939384848484

Sweet Christ there is still 50 minutes. My will is back to 0.

So they land on Corasuck and get on a ship to show off their Blade Runner world.

Lord Papa Sith stands all evil as he gaslights Queen Starboard. She can’t hear much because makeup now makes up 99% of her body. She is becoming makeup base.

Lord Papa Sith tells Queen Starboard that she should do a Rock the Vote against the current Prime Chancellor President.

Meanwhile we go to the Jedi Council. Hey. There’s Yoda. Huh. Apparently he’s always talked like he had suffered from a motorcycle crash.

We find out that the Sith are thought to be extinct like the dodo.

*burps*

Then we hear about a force balance prophecy.

Yoda drunkly swears at Mace YaDooband then calls that weirdo with the elongated head a “Moplog.” Whatever the fuck that is, the room goes silent. Yoda apologizes, but the room is uncomfortable.

Taken changes the subject by talking about Amakin being a fart force prophecy.

They tell him to bring the kid.

Then Yoda pulls out blow and meth and they all get up to do bumps.

We then cut to C-SPAN. It’s as lame as ever.

The political excitement goes on. There’s a moment of silence that is filled with Queen Starboard jumping into the edge of her floating chair, bends over, and rips ass. I mean it’s gushy. Like a Taco Bell shit kind of sound.

She uses her farts to move to vote against the current Chancellor Prime President.

This was@part of Lord Papa Sith’s plan to become King Pimp with a strong pimp hand.

We cut to the Jedi testing Amakin.

They do the psychic test from the beginning of Ghostbusters and then they shit all over Amakin and his mother.

Then we get that famous line “Fear leads to voting GQP, voting GQP leads to hate, hate leads to Trump.”

Then Yoda did another line of yayo

We get more political shit as Lord Papa Sith gaslights everyone. Everyone is stupid in this universe. Everyone!!!

We then find out the Jedi council think he’s too old. Priests who don’t like to take them too old?

Oof. Not good.

Master Jedi Taken wants to train Amakin. The council tells him to go get in a lightrapier fight with Darth Pop Punk.

Padawan Trainspotting keeps going “Hey. I’m in this movie, too. Also. I think Amakin is a dbag. I’ll later claim he’s my friend to his kid because I’m an asshole.”

Oh, my god. Here’s where this movie took the trilogy by the throat and smothered it with an action figure.

“Minichlorines are bugs inside you. Those bugs let you control the force. Yeah. It’s dumb as fuck.”

They head back to Muhboo and I regret eating those tacos and then drinking.

We then hear the dumbest shit. Master Taken says they can’t use their powers to help he Queen. Dude. That is all you’ve done, asshole.

Padawan Trainspotting then apologizes to Master Taken for being so god damn boring and underdeveloped. Relying only on the nostalgia we feel for him from the original movies.

Do you think I could chug his bottle and my subconscious gets subcontracted to finish this bullshit??

Anyway. The Queen goes to Boss Hogg to make a deal. “If you die for us, we’ll let you keep your shitbag swamps. I’ll also stop flushing my used@makeup down into your shitty underwater cities. I mean we’re still@piping our sewage there. Fuck you, slugs.”

The Queen gets slapped by her Handmaid’s Tale. Turns out she’s the real queen. What a twist. I mean you’d have to have total brain damage to be surprised by this. But then that’s this movie’s target audience.

Lord Papa Sith tells Darth Pop Punk to go gank them.

Can I point out that Darth Pop Punk sounds like a wimp ass bitch??!

We then cujnggfffgh

So Boss Hogg makes JugJug a general because he was huffing paint thinner.

We then find out that the battle is a distraction so the Queen can get the Martians. Of course this makes no sense since the droids would fight on anyway. That’s why they have to destroy the droid control ship.

Amakin just stands around confused. We all are, dude.

They then have a battle between droids and the slugs.

I couldn’t give less of a shit.

I hope they destroy each other.

Meanwhile the main cast goes to break into the palace. The Queen ran out of makeup and she needs that to live.

A bland lightbroadsword fight ensues as Amakin gets into a fighter jet.

“Going into space and sucking on vacuum. That’s a neat trick.”

None of these fights have any tension. We don’t care about the slugs. The Jedi blast through the droids like it’s nothing. They don’t even hide or duck. They just wave the sword about.

And Amakin is a podcaster. No one cares about them.

JugJug shows his leadership by telling the others to be steady.

“JugJug is the key to all of this.” Fuck you, Lookass.

Oh, shit. The epic showdown between Darth Pop Punk and Jedi Taken and Jedi Trainspotting.

We start jumping through each shitty plot. Duel of the assholes. Battle of the slugs. Starboard goes for her makeup. Amakin sucks the vacuum of space deep into his lungs.

Oh. Man. This duel is so excit…

*passes out and pisses self*

JugJug Mr MaGoos his way through the battle as Amakin tries to gaslight us and tells us “This is intense.”

I have had bowel movements with more tension.

“I’ll try spinning. That’s a good trick.”

*R2DOU noises*

“What does my mom have to do with tricks. And turning tricks. What do you mean?”

The theme from the battle with Sephiroth plays as the Sith and Jedi do a flag fight.

We then watch a tense battle of waiting for energy doors to@open. Uh. This makes no god damn sense architecturally.

Right. The architects huffed thinner, too.

People think this movie is good. They’re wrong. They’re so fucking wrong.

The Queen gets caught as Amakin spins to Billy Idol.

I kid. This universe has music that is basically dubstep with wind instruments.

Man. You could cut thrennbnnnnkndn

These fights are so borrringgggggg!

The Queen uses her Handmaid’s Tale to fool the Martians. They fall for a@trap and the Queen takes the Martians hostage.

We go back to the fight of the ages. Uh. Completely spaced on that shitty fight.

We then see Amakin accidentally destroying the droid controller ship. He MaGoo’s his way to victory just like the Queen and just like JugJug.

I guess the force helps morons the most.

The droids on the battlefield all flop over because of a Windows update.

Yep. They lost due to the Blue Screen of Death.

Hahaha. I do spaced I flossed where Jedi Taken got taken out. He keeps going “I will find you and I will kill you.”

Trainspotting shoves a wallet into Taken’s mouth as he convulses while screaming “Good luck. I will find you. Taken. I will kill good taken luck.”

Right. Jedi Trainspotting kills Darth Pop Punk by scratching him and pulling his horn hair.

We then cut to the Martians getting in trouble and Lord Papa Sith gaslighting the Queen even though he’s now the Chancellor President.

We then cut to Yoda talking mad shit about Amakin just after upgrading Jedi Trainspotting to Jedi Trainspotting 2.0.

Jedi Trainspotting then slaps Yoda and tells him he’s training Amakin. Yoda cries and says he’s gonna go hide in a swamp.

We then cut to Jedi Taken’s funeral. We never get his Jedi Projection because these prequels are all shit.

Then we get that Yoda line “Always two there are. No more. No less. A masterbater and the bull cucking his wife.”

We then cut to a celebration on Muhboo. It’s lame as shot and the music sucks.

No wonder these people are always looking to start shit. They don’t got movies or video games.

Just shitty parades and bad music.

The Queen stares at Amakin as I vomit up the tacos.

The end.

Fuck these piece of shit prequels. The original three are great. These prequels creates answers no one ever asked and takes a cool universe and curbstomps it.

Fuck Lookass. Fuck me. Fuck this movie. Fuck every Star Wars movie but the trilogy.

@threadreaderapp unroll

I so spaced that I missed*