Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Tonight I'm reviewing the M. Day's hit movie #Signs.

It's a movie that follows Martin Riggs after his retirement from LAPD when he tries to farm.

After he bought the farm from Costner and bulldozed over the "useless baseball field," he started crops and a family.

It stars a guy screaming racial slurs into a phone, the emperor of Rome who traveled into the future to be the Joker, a Culkin, an Olive, and the director's ego.

Gonna be real here. I went into this movie really excited back when. I thought it built up tension and then it squatted down in the corner and dropped a deuce all over the remaining footage.

If you like this movie/don't want to read me shredding it, just mute the conversation.

I'm gonna go put out glasses of water everywhere and then come back and review this cinematic equivalent of Arby farts.

So we start with tense music that sounds like it was rejected for the Batman (1989) soundtrack. We cut to a farm where Gibson has a nightmare that the voicemail tapes were released.

Gibson heard his daughter scream. Or maybe that’s a hawk.

The Joker wakes up, too. He’s living over the garage.

Though go to find the children of the corn.

They come across Bo and culkin.

The kids woke up because the dogs are barking.

The little girl starts screaming “Outlander!!!!” As they look at their field.

It seems like some teens came with some boards and a rope and made crop circles.

Damn teens.

Why did the kids scream? Because of a prank, bro?

We see a card telling us this takes place 45 miles from Philly because M Day sets everything there like he’s Stephen King with Maine.

Why else would they put the distance from Philly. God damn stupid to point it out since it doesn’t affect the story. Just going “Philly!!!!!!!”

Gibson calls someone to see if it was his annoying kids who pulled the prank.

The kids say the dog pissed everywhere. Wow. Teen prank and a dog pissing. All signs of the apocalypse.

The sheriff breaks into his house. Before she can murder him, Gibson turns to see her. She stops and deflects by telling some folksy story about people spitting. Such amazing writing.

We then cut outside to culkin working the grill and the kid going “It’s contaminated.”

Oh, crap. The kid believes conspiracies and shit. She screams “Ethanol can’t melt steel beams!!”

We then see the dog going all Cujo. We cut to the sheriff giving more folksy stories about animals and shit being weird.

She also says teenagers are too stupid to commit this prank. A prank of pressing down corn. Right.

Then Gibson realizes his kids are quiet. Dude. You leave your kids to watch a grill. You probably pass out while smoking.

We then have Gibson move two feet and we see his son is a budding serial killer. He gutted the dog and tells his dad the dog attacked them.

Yeah. Get your son help.

I like how Gibson couldn’t hear the barking and definitely didn’t hear the screams of his kids that had to happen.

Why?

Joker comes out and he, somehow, didn’t hear any of those noises that had to happen. Why?

Then Gibson tells Joker to go tie the other dog up. Uh. You just gonna leave the dog carcass out there?

I see the sheriff pull@out the tool but…fuck it. This movie doesn’t care about reality.

Then we get the best line ever

“There’s a monster outside my room. Can I have a glass of water.”

The actress made that awful line hilarious.

Gibson doesn’t give a shit. He just says “You have water.”

She then says it’s old. Then Gibson asks what she’s thinking.

She then says “I’m shoehorning exposition about my dad mom so that people know that. Also. Shoehorning in your loss of faith.”

Then we get stinger music and we see some weirdo on the garage or whatever’s roof. It’s legitimately a bit disturbing.

This part of the movie has some okay moments.

Gibson wakes Joker. Gibson thinks some teenagers climbed onto his roof and. Whatever.

They decide to run out and scare them by yelling and swearing.

And this part sucks. This movie flip flops between….hahahah. Joker makes this part great.

Gibson sounds like he’s bored. They play a “he doesn’t like to curse” bit for laughs. I’ve heard the tape.

Of course the teens aren’t there. Something is in the corn.

He who walks behind the rows is just out of frame giggling at the prank he pulled.

We then get the sheriff telling culkin he can use a baby monitor as a one way walkie talkie.

Uh. That’s basically just a listening device, sheriff. Go tell some more folksy tales or something. You suck at advice.

We then get Gibson complaining to Bo she keeps leaving cups of water everywhere. Gibson just complains and doesn’t do anything about it because he’s too lazy to clean.

The sheriff then asks the Joker how he is as she does subtle exposition and the camera moves between them with the grace of a zombie on crank.

Okay. There are like 40 glasses of water spread about. How many god damn glasses do you have and how did your kid get them all?

Why are you leaving them…oh. The script.

We then get a dumb questioning about what happened he night before. It has sexism and insults to little people.

Again. These people thinks a human can jump like Superman.

And the sheriff does folksy takes of a Karen. This movie is just so great.

We find out that the remote is missing and Gibson leaves food inside his couch.

We then get a tv news. Well. Not news. A history channel alien documentary is on every channel.

Why? This isn’t the format of news. It’s a documentary style. Why??

Oh. Right. Script says so.

The sheriff the. Tells Gibson what I already know. Teens.

It’s happening everywhere and teens. It’s teens.

The sheriff talks about how she needs to get a bump because she’s tired. She calls it coffee. It’s a bump.

We then find out more crop circles. The media does what it does. It makes a small matter seem everywhere. Like with shark attacks or the clowns a few years ago.

They head into town and Gibson gives his kids money and they go wondering off on their own. Joker fucks off to go dance down some stairs

We cut over to the neglected kids in a book store. The owner hates the media. Says everything the government says is lies.

Man. This movie knows what’s up. There’s also a right wing radio saying it’s all fake.

Culkin asks for a book on

We then cut to Gibson picking up his oxy from the pharmacists. The cashier makes small talk about being afraid of going to hell. She asks Gibson to allow her to confess her sins.

Gibson does hamfisted “I haven’t been one for six months. You know this.”

We cut to Joker trying to join the army. The army recruiter tells him this is the beginning of an invasion.

But says more wor…oh come on. The recruiter acts like he doesn’t know the Joker. You live in a small town. You know everyone, especially the one sports celebrity.

Joker was a baseball player. Minor leagues.

We find out the Joker always swung and was king of being struck out.

“It felt wrong not to swing.”

We then cut to tree book store and we find out that the book store gives latchkey kids water. But the water is filled with dust and cheetos.

We cut back to Gibson listening to this annoying teen confess to the dumbest shit. Just cussing the next scene implies she says more.

We then see an egomaniac walk down the street. Gibson glares at him.

They okay the pronoun game so we are curious who this dbag is. It’s the director shoving himself into the movie.

We go back to the farm and culkin has the baby monitor.

Joker hammers nerds who are doing the crop circle. Man. He’s the best part of this garbage.

The monitor has a bunch of noise and culkin thinks he’s Jeff Goldblook in Independence Day “It’s a code!!”

The baby monitor picks up aliens talking about pranking the humans.

They’re intergalactic travelers, but aliens don’t know how to communicate with encryption.

We get this stupid scene with the monitor and holding it and blah blah blah.

Basically. They’re bored yokels picking up HBO on a baby monitor. They think it’s aliens. Aliens who can’t encrypt their communication.

You’ll realize these aliens are all morons. Every last one of them. Why? Because the script.

That night the remaining dog barks. I think culkin is there trying to off the last dog.

Gibson goes out and culkin hides his knife and goes back inside. The dog can wait.

Gibson grabs a flashlight and goes into the corn field. We hear the aliens clicking like bugs to communicate.

Gibson goes and finds a new crop circle and Gibson starts to scream at them. He tells them they’re losers. Then he leaves. He has a voicemail to leave.

As Gibson makes his way back to his house the tension builds like a bow with a broken string.

Gibson hears clicking and drops the flashlight. He then slowly goes to@pick it up because the script said so.

He slaps the flashlight and points it and we see a glimpse of the alien. It’s one of its legs. Gotta say. Those aliens have some sexy gams!!!

Gibson freaks and goes back to the house to ask George about the bunnies.

Joker notices Gibson is freaked and says “Why so serious???!”

They decide to turn on the TV and we find out that there are lights in Mexico and the governments say they’re alien ships.

We then get this stupid god damn line. “We have to tape this.”

Basically. Culkin thinks he’s in a found footage movie.

“Why are you still recording this?”

“People will want to see it.”

Just hack writing.

The tv plays a continuous ambulance sound because no reason.

Joker and Gibson talk about it being the end of the world. REM starts to blast as Joker wants to hear good news.

Gibson tries to be philosophical, but it’s basically Reddit comments in movie form.

Basically. Some people are religious and some aren’t. Some believe in fate. Some don’t.

This is edgy thinking when you’re 13.

I knew someone in college who talked like that. He was an annoying dbag we all avoided.

Gibson’s character is like that.

Joker then talks about a girl vomiting and how dee bkdhdbnnn

This movie tries so hard to be smart.

We then find out that Gibson’s wife’s last words were. “See. Swing away.”

Gibson rightly points out she’s hallucinating from blood loss.

Or she said “Swinging. Yeah.” Like she wants to bang.

Gibson gives an existential pep talk that is basically we all die alone. Way to be depressing.

We then cut to a memory. They tease it so we can see it later. Because this was basically the equivalent of Gibson remembering the first three seconds of a bad memory then stopping.

Then the next day Gibson goes downstairs and Joker is watching tv.

Basically, the aliens have invisible cloaks on their ships.

If only they would have that for their scouts. But. Ya know. Shitty script.

We also find out that people think the crop circles are an alien map. Which makes so much sense since intergalactic creatures can’t send some kind of coordinate system based on the planet mass, etc.

No. They push down crops. Because there are crops everywhere they need it.

Gibson goes to see his kids. They have tinfoil hats. His serial killer son is talking about the aliens like it’s a History Channel episode.

And they talk about possible reasons for

*yawns*

We then see an image in a book that looks like their house. This has deep meaning because this movie sucks.

Culkin starts to scream about chem trails as Gibson picks up the phone. It’s the hack director doing the phone equivalent of ding dong ditch.

Gibson decides to go DDT the director for the prank call.

Meanwhile culkin talks about death with his sister. Says he’ll never die because “the blood of the innocent shall make me forever you g.”

Gibson goes over to M Day’s house to throat chop him. He snoops around the house and notices it’s trashed. He also sees the director in his suv.

Gibson goes over and says “God damn. How much of an ego do you have to put yourself into your movies like this. And Lady in the Water? You’re the chosen one writer who will save mankind? Fuck you you hack.”

Gibson spits in his face.

Gibson then stands there as M Day does horrendous acting. Like. Awful acting.

He says that “Hey. I feel asleep and killed your wife because it was meant to be.”

Then he says he’s gonna fuck off. He then says he’s going to the lake and that “they don’t like water.”

M Day continues to prattle on. He gives a half ass apology and then says “Don’t open my pantry. I locked an alien in there. Apparently they can travel across space, but can’t open a fucking door. Raptors could do more than them!!”

Honestly, I think this was M Day just trying to distract Gibson long entropy leave.

We then cut back to the Joker and we see this

The Joker is freaked by how awful the CGI/effects look. So am I.

Enough to. Wtf. Entropy? I mean…

I love how the aliens just sneak around like a Floridian politician. Skulking about. Walking like a weirdo.

God damn, aliens.

They can travel between solar systems, but can’t wear camo or open doors.

I can’t tell if Gibson doesn’t give a shit about this movie or he thinks his character would sound like someone who doesn’t give a shit about acting in the movie.

Gibson talks to the alien in the pantry like it’s a teen. Then he eye fucks underneath the door. He pulls out a knife and uses that to reflect what’s in the other side of the door.

He sees the alien trapped in a pantry. In a god damn pantry.

This is why I can’t take this movie seriously. A god damn pantry!!!

Haha. He stabs the alien. This movie is so fucking ridiculous.

Gibson goes back home and you can see my cameo in this movie. It was in the first post.

Joker says they can change colors and that’s why they can’t see them.

Except on handheld video cameras or in corn fields or pantries or anywhere.

Gibson asks his burgeoning serial killer of a son what aliens would do according to the dumbest book on aliens ever.

Culkin says “They’d send ground troops with hand to hand combat. They wouldn’t use technology.”

Why? Humans throughout our history who invade others didn’t just use their hands.

This is just hack writing to explain why aliens can be trapped in a pantry. Because M Day refused to find a better answer than “They do this so we don’t nuke the planet.”

Right. They could still wear armor and have lightsabers and shit.

Fuck this lame ass hand waving away!!!

Gibson calls it bullshit. I agree.

Gibson says he “heard a theory they don’t like water.” Yeah. From the dbag who offer his wife.

Culkin says that sounds like bullshit.

Kid. You believe in chem trails and that aliens built the pyramids. Shut up.

They vote to see what to do. It’s split 50/50 on lake vs home.

Culkin whines because he doesn’t want to leave his hungry hungry hippos.

They vote again and they decide to stay in their crap house.

They decide to board of the windows.

Joker asks if that works. Gibson says “These fucking losers can’t even open pantry doors. Good thing M Day wrote them as the lamest aliens in cinematic history. There are toddlers stronger than them.”

Joker goes outside to skip rocks over corn and then goes inside.

We get another news report that says “Maybe aliens”

Man. I hope you idiots have food because sieges take time.

We also find out the aliens only ever appear within a mile of crop circles. So. Basically any massive metropolitan area would be fine since most don’t have farms near them. Same with deserts. Basically. Anywhere but Iowa.

This is soooo stupid. Crop circles don’t make sense!!!!!

We then get hack writing about religious fervor taking over as Gibson screams about Dawkins. We hear weird ass jet bomber noises for no reason.

Gibson tells them he’s going to check the windows as culkin says he wishes the Joker was his dad. Oh, Culkin. He wished Bruce Wayne’s dad was his dad. It’s a circle of pain.

Wind chimes are dingling as ominous music plays.

They decide to stay in one room. Joker wants to make sandwiches, but Gibson punches Joker. He wants a variety of food.

They all pick random food and act as if they have all those ingredients. Lucky them.

We hear water dripping as they eat. Now is a good time to remind people that water makes up a huge chunk of our atmosphere. Farms also spray water daily or weekly.

And…this fucking movie is stupid.

We then hear some of that voicemail of Gibson screaming. It’s really difficult because he’s yelling it at his kids. The Joker tries to calm him, but Gibson uses a slur and starts to choke out the Joker. The kids cry like in this scene:

After the Joker passes out, they all hug. Then we hear the aliens talking without encryption. It says “Maybe these humans don’t have a pantry.”

The TV had the standby and they decide to just board up some of the house.

Hahaha. You had all day to board it up you idiots. Now that you know it’s happening, you slowly do it?????!

Such trash writing!!!!!

They nail the doors shut. That’ll work because these aliens are weaker than me and I am a wimp.

Gibson starts to swear and tell a made up story about Bo. He slams back whiskey and calls his ex to swear at her.

They go down into the basement because the tornado is coming. I kid. Twisters are able to open pantry doors.

Oh. How convenient. The dog is outside. They need to get it because bad writing demands you do@dumb t…oops. Dog gets got. Well. That solved itself.

I’d like to point out that they left their dog tied outside knowing aliens were@going to come gank them. You people suck.

We then hear raccoons crawling around outside because no way aliens would sound that way.

Hahah. We hear the aliens break into a room upstairs and scurry around. You can hear sounds like a dog’s nails on a wooden floor. Hahahabahshsshshshshrhdjdirrjjddj this is so stupid

Gibson makes up another stupid story up about the serial killer when he was born. Why? Because of bad writing.

The aliens break in and they just stand around because bad script.

Man. We should make houses out of pantry doors. Aliens can’t stop those, but can break into poorly boarded up bedrooms.

They finally go into the basement and they…wait. Did you idiots do nothing to prepare for the thing you said you knew would happen??!

Hahaha. Then Gibson holds the door handle so they can’t open the door. Hahahaha. So stupid.

They can jump light speed or some shit, but can’t open a doorknob held on the other end. Hahahahahahaahshshshahshshshsjrf

Joker finds something to@stop the door, but breaks the dangling light on accident. It’s pitch black. No. Not the movie. That’s a great movie with aliens attacking.

We get this bland “Where’s Bo” bit as they bust out flashlights.

Man. It’s almost like it was written to break a light to make it more intense we can’t see the room.

The aliens start to pound their tiny, tiny fists against the door. We can hear them saying “This isn’t a distraction!”

See. The aliens are looking for a secret way into the basement. The old coal chute.

They can conquer galaxies, but they can’t kick in a door.

They can survive he conquest of space, but god damn pantries elude them.

Hahahaha. And they let culkin stand beside the coal chute for dramatic reasons. Like they don’t tell him, so the alien can grab at him.

We then get trash shots that attempt to build tension. All they’re gonna do is build my alcohol tolerance.

Hahaha. A god damn shark tank would stop these aliens dead flat.

Oh. And we get a convenient asthma attack. Let me tell you. They suck ass. Having your dad whisper to you for a minute doesn’t…

Ugh. This script is so awful.

Gibson says he hates his kid or god or the emmys or critics or Taco Bell or a good script or whatever. Who cares.

Glad that convenient asthma attack is over. That added seconds of tension in a movie where aliens can’t push over a trash can.

We then cut back to the memory we conveniently didn’t get more@of earlier. We have found out Gibson’s wife has been crushed by M Day’s truck. If he truck moves, she dies.

The Scary Movie 3 scene about this was somehow better than this one. That’s how bad this movie is.

Haha. We then cut back before we get more from the memory because of bad writing.

We also get a radio station. See. The aliens came here to abduct people to eat them.

The aliens are leaving and they have Taco Bell levels of gas.

Man. You know what had this same plot??

Killer Klowns from Outer Space. That movie is so much better.

They decide to listen to the baby monitor for two seconds to check if the aliens are gone. Seriously. That was literally good enough for them. They said that.

They go upstairs because they’re bored and want to watch TV.

They take culkin upstairs to get his medicine. Like. I get this.

They watch TV as we see people dancing in celebration.

We find out a “primitive method” defeated the aliens.

Oh, shit. There’s an alien in their house. Gibson starts to use racial slurs as the alien clicks at them.

Hahahahahaahahahahahahashahahahahahshshhrdhdjd

I just fucking can’t. See. This alien is there because it was the one in the pantry he hurt. Hababababaabshehthrhyzhdhds

Hahahaha. This is Jaws Revenge. Hahahahaha. This is Jaws 4!!!!

The alien has culkin and gases him with its wrist. He skulks know the shadows because the CGI is trash.

We then have Gibson hallucinating about his wife’s last moments. His wife did night walking. Uh. That’s not safe without reflective or bright clothing.

She says “It was meant to be.”

You weirdos believe in some fucked up predestination.

Hahaha. Then she’s like “Hey. Tells the kids I love them and it’s okay to play games. And tell your brother to swing away.”

Then the wife goes “I’m talking about him hitting all the water our idiot kid left around so that it splashed the Wicked Witch of the West who is in our house.”

She then does a line and screams “Play Free Bird!” before she succumbs to plot.

Gibson then remembers his conversation with his brother and says “Swing away. I mean but the glasses of water because aliens are allergic to it.”

Again. OUR GOD DAMN ATMOSPHERE IS FILLED WITH WATER!!!!

But water is acid to them. No. Not the water in the air or the water that would have been used on the corn or the morning dew. No. Only the plot convenient water in the cups. Why? Because this movie fucking sucks.

Water couldn’t be their kryptonite because just stepping off their ships would have killed them.

So these aliens can go to other solar systems, but they don’t have hazmat suits nor crowbars nor anything.

We also find out that the alien has can’t have gotten into the serial killer’s lungs because he has asthma.

IT’S ALL FOR A REASON!!!!!!

Do you get this message? Do you!? It’s all connected. Did we beat you over head enough for you? Did we????!! Do you get it??!!!

Everything was for a reason. The wife getting killed was to tell Joker to hit water. Fucking wAterejrdhdhrhhxdh

This is so god damn stupid!!!!!

We then cut to Gibson being a@priest again because he found faith in hack writing and plot contrivances.

So that is as Signs. It’s a piece of shit that has the subtlety of a supernova.

Fucking water……..

Fuck this movie. Fuck M Day and his ego. Fuck its hamfisted message. Fuck prime for having it. Fuck me for watching it.

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