Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

Tonight, I'm going to do something different. I'm going to tell you about something I've been digging into.

That's right. It's about Willy Wonka and his Chocolate Factory.

I have to say up front that I have met the villainous Wonka. Here's a photo from my journey into Hell.

You see I dabble with being an investigative journalist. One day I was in Somewhereville when I saw a drunken oompa loompa in an alley.

I sobered him up with coffee and a hearty slap to his face.

As the oompa loompa ate the food I bought for him, he told me a tale of a monster who was exploiting him and his fellow oompa loompas.

You see it seems that Wonka came to their land to "save" them from hornswogglers, snozzwangers and whangdoodles.

It turns out that this was a ruse to find cheap labor. Once they came to Somewhereville, he immediately took their passports and press-ganged them into a workforce via fear. Fear of beatings and fear of being sent back to die in oompaland.

After hearing about this, I had to see the conditions myself. I put on thick make-up, took the oompa loompas vomit-stained outfit, and snuck into the factory via a secret exit the oompa loompa knew about.

Now. I can't go into all the details because that'd spoil the exposé I'm working on. I can, say, though, that the conditions I saw there would make the strongest stomach heave from horror.

I was able to get a few oompa loompas on record using pseudonyms. They told me the things they said will shock you. It will make you take all your Wonka swag and chocolate and burn them.

Hell. Wonka is so bad he doesn't call them by their names. He calls them "orange bastards."

He's so oblivious to them as individuals that he didn't even notice me amongst them. I'm 5'9". He just made a snide remark about making me join the basketball team.

Then he slapped me for my impertinence of being almost as tall as him.

While doing more background research, I came across a documentary about Wonka from 1971. I'm going to watch it and live review it.

First, though, I have to go get some chocolate made by those who don't exploit their wor...shit.

Uh. Shit. Well.

I guess I'm going to eat some frui...fuck.

I gotta stop googling worker exploitation.

I'll be back with whiskey.

We start out with footage of chocolate being made that isn’t Wonka’s factory of OSHA violations.

They slap on some Wonka labels for the rubes.

We’re in Somewhereville when school lets out. Kids run like addicts to the local candy store.

While here we see a candy dealer pushing his products on impressionable children. He says “The first one is free.”

He then gets disturbingly …ugh. Their parents would have this guy arrested with how much physical contact he makes.

Jesus. He’s just giving everything away for free. Is he a commie or is he hooking kids to the “sweet stuff?”

Outside a poor kid watches the other kids get free candy. Maybe it was only he first fifty kids who get to raid a candy store.

Charlie is part of the proletariat being exploited by Mr Joe. Charlie has to demand his wages. He also asks about Grandpa Joe just as Charlie runs to throw papers at people. He tries to him them in the face every time. What a dick.

Charlie then creeps up to Wonka’s world of exploitation to look in.

The secret entrance is actually around the corner from there.

Speaking of creeps. Some weird older dude come up and says some poetry that is prejudiced to little people. What a dick.

This street sweeper the acknowledges the exploitation by saying “Nobody ever goes in. Nobody ever comes out.”

This is true since Wonka just takes the corpses of the dead oompas and turns them into everlasting gobstoppers.

#cancelwonka

We cut to Charlie’s house where we just get a deluge of background. His four grandparents are bedridden since just after WW2.

Apparently they all were in an accident together for it to happen at once. Maybe an explosion at a swingers party.

We also find out Charlie’s dad is dead and Charlie is working to feed his family.

We also see they all sleep in one bed and the smell has to be like swamp ass and boiled cabbage.

Grandpa is drunk and slurs he’s gonna get out of the bed the day he gets viagra.

Charlie barges in and kisses his grandparents.

He then talks shit about dinner. Grandpa Joe reached his hand back to slap him when Charlie pulls out a load of bread.

Charlie gives his mom money and then Grandpa Joe slaps Charlie and demands money for his smoking habit. Cool.

Smoke. Cabbage. Swamp Ass.

That atmosphere is toxic.

That night Charlie is forced to listen to Grandpa Joe drunkly explain the greatness of deregulation’s of chocolate factories.

Turns out Wonka fired everyone because of corporate espionage.

Wonka closes for years until he finds a workforce he can exploit. A workforce not allowed out into the real world. The bastard.

We cut to Charlie’s school the next day. His drunk teacher wants to do an experiment. The teacher’s name is Mr Turpentine, so you know he makes meth. That’s his street name.

Mr Turpentine has Charlie come up to mix his chemicals to make blue meth.

Charlie asks for a hazmat suit, but his teacher gut punches him and tells him to “shut your moron mouth up.”

As Mr Turpentine screams “Suck it, Walter White!” there’s a commotion outside. Apparently, in this world, people are obsessed with factory tours. Right. And a lifetime supply of Wonka’s exploitive chocolate.

We also find out Wonka sells billions of candy bars. He has to be insanely rich since he doesn’t pay his workers.

We cut to a news report that says this. What the fuck.

We cut to the family watching the news.

Grandpa Joe drunkly screams Wonka is a genius and will sell a million bars. He already sells billions, so shut up Joe.

You see there are five golden tickets hidden in Wonka bars.

They could be anywhere in the world…where white people are he majority.

Seriously. Wonka intentionally makes sure of that. Racist and an exploiter. No wonder Grandpa Joe likes him.

Charlie asks Grandpa Joe if he might find one. Grandpa Joe threatens Charlie. “I expect you to find all five. If you don’t, sleep with one eye open.”

We then see it’s bedlam everywhere in the world. It was 1971 and people had nothing else to do.

We then see a wacky scene of a shrink torturing his patient.

We then find out that he first golden ticket was found in Germany. A husky kid with an eating disorder found it.

This kid is Augustus. We know he has a bad influence at home because his dad eats a god damn microphone. I’m not exaggerating.

They ask the kid how it makes him feel. He says. “I have a tapeworm, so I have a compulsion to eat.”

They then ignore the kid as a creepy, old man whispers into Augustus’ ear.

We then cut to Charlie’s birthday. His bday party was better than mine during Covid.

We see Charlie got a scarf and some chocolate. Grandpa used the money Charlie gave him to make his mother go get chocolate for him.

Joe screams “There better be a fucking golden ticket or I’ll cut you.”

Charlie opens the chocolate away from everyone. As Joe screams, Charlie pretends he got it. Joe demands to see it, but Charlie had to admit it’s a lie.

Grandpa Joe pulls out a knife and begins to sharpen it

We cut to some rich kid named Verruca screaming at her dad that she wants her dad to exploit his workers to find her a ticket.

The dad threatens to fire all his workers and offers a shitty bonus.

We find out that Verruca’s parents are enablers.

Luckily for her dad, one of his exploited workers finds a ticket. She should have shoved that shit into her pocket and hid it.

At the same time her parents ignore he same creepy old man holding onto their daughter to whisper into her ear.

We see a news report that wonka bars are being bought out and people go insane. Fucking insane.

We cut to a conman saying his computer can find the tickets. Dbag. Computers back then didn’t even have the ability to google.

I will say this. This computer guy got VC money 20 years before it was cool.

We cut to Violet. A kid in Montana who found the ticket between chewing on rancid bubblegum. This idiot has chewed the same piece for 3 months. She hides it behind her god damn ear while sleeping/eating.

The same creepy guy whispers into her ear and her parents don’t notice

Can we take a moment and point out how weird it is this creepo is always around. That it’s always kids who win. That the parents don’t care about their kids enough to notice the creep.

Wtf!!

No wonder people back then were serial killer fodder.

And we later find some stuff out that proves Wonka made sure his golden tickets didn’t go to people who weren’t 1) White 2) Knew English and 3) Had guardians/parents who allowed total strangers whisper in their ear.

So you can take your Wonka apologist bullshit and shove it.

We then find out Wonka’s mom has a backbreaking job where she makes no money. She sings a song about how Grandapa Joe isn’t a monster and that she’s mad Charlie doesn’t smile. He has nothing to smile about, but she wants him to fake a smile. Wtf.

I am 100% blocked/muted by people now. Why? Because I’m exposing the truth. I’m sorry you can’t handle the fact Wonka is a monster. That Charlie’s family wants Charlie to act happy no matter what. Screw that!

We then jump to ANOTHER white kid winning the 4th ticket. This kid is annoying dbag who wants to second amendment the shit out of people.

We also find out his parents want nothing to do with their kid.

We also see that creepo grabbing Mike TV and whispering into his ears. These god damn parents.

We then cut to a news reporter having an existential crisis. It’s awesome.

We cut to Grandpa Joe giving Charlie a candy bar he had Charlie’s mom go get with the money he stole from Charlie.

Joe slow opens it to torture Charlie. When it’s not in there, Charlie quickly creates a reason for Joe not to hit him “I bet it makes the chocolate taste terrible”

We then see more scenes where the world has spiraled into madness. People are kidnapping each other to get access@to Wonka bars.

My guess is that Mr Turpentine made some addictive chemical Wonka is using in his candy. Prove me wrong.

We then find out that the last ticket is “found” in Paraguayan. We know this is a lie.

Grandpa Joe is pissed they didn’t win. Grandpa threatens to hurt Charlie. “Let him have one last sleep. One last dream.”

We cut back to Mr Turpentine trying to teach his students about finite resources and percentages.

Mr Turpentine then reveals he’s not a math teacher because he doesn’t know percentages that are less than a percent.

We cut to Charlie groveling on his feet for loose change.

He decides to use this to buy chocolate before grandpa can take it from him to buy tobacco.

The Candy Dealer pushes candy on Charlie. Charlie decides Grandpa will know he’s eaten, so he buys another bar for grandpa Joe.

We then find out that Wonka didn’t send any tickets to South America.

It was a fake.

Charlie opens the chocolate bar and sees a golden ticket.

Who would have thought me shutting on a beloved classic would be unpopular.

So a Karen grabs Charlie’s arm screaming “This kid has the last ticket. I want to talk to his manager.”

Luckily, Charlie’s boss had his back and he DDTs the Karen and Charlie escapes.

Charlie is then cornered in an alley by the creepo. This is Slugworthadamn.

He rubs Charlie’s shoulders after promising him money to steal a secret product from Wonka.

It should be noted that Slugworth runs a rival chocolate factory. However, he takes time out of his day to creep on kids and know their routines so he can find them.

Wtf!!!

Charlie breaks free from Slugworth and runs home.

He goes inside screaming he has a ticket. Grandpa Joe doesn’t believe him. He starts to threaten Charlie for “lying to me.”

Charlie hands it over and we find out that only Grandpa Joe is literate.

We also find out that if this chocolate had been found by anyone else, they wouldn’t have made the tour. We know this because it happens the next day.

What if that chocolate bar fell behind the counter, Wonka? You’d look like a real jackass.

Now. Charlie is allowed to bring someone. Grandpa Joe screams that he wants to go and “Don’t your dare take your bitch mother!!!”

Grandpa Joe screams for Charlie to help him up. He then dances around. So this piece of shit Grandpa has made his daughter and grandson work to support his lazy add. Fuck Grandpa Joe.

Shit. You know what. I bet Grandpa Joe gets up at night and goes out. How else do you explain the chocolate bar and his ability to sing while saying “I have a golden ticket.”

Grandpa then realizes he seems like a real dick, so he asks for a cane. What a monster.

Grandpa Joe fucking dances and his family stares at this. They know he’s lied for decades. Charlie is too scared to say anything. He acts along so he doesn’t fear Grandpa’s wrath.

Grandpa then insults Charlie’s appearance. You smell like swamp ass and have bed sores. Piss off, grandpa.

The next day people gather outside Wonka’s factory as if this is Michael Jackson’s trial.

The kids who won the ticket act like total dbags.

It’s also at this point where we see Slugworth creepily staring at the kids.

The clock strikes and out of the factory a Robber Baron emerges. He uses a cane to exploit sympathy like he’s House.

We find out that Wonka is a liar. Grandpa immediately likes him.

People celebrate his lies and Wonka mumbles for the kids to@come forward.

You know. These people came a long way just to see Wonka for like a minute. Man. They were bored back when.

Wonka then greets each one of his victims. Don’t believe me? Just wait.

Wonka then is a sarcastic dick.

They go inside the house of horrors.

Wonka makes them take their coats, etc off.

We find out that he’s a necromancer. He has taken the hands of the head and enchanted them to be hat holders.

Wonka then reveals a contract that intentionally makes it impossible to see the text. He’s forcing the kids to sign a waiver to enter his jigsaw factory.

Wonka glibly deflects all criticism from the parents.

Grandpa Joe is the only one who doesn’t ask what it’s about. Grandpa Joe doesn’t care if Charlie lives or dies. He wants chocolate.

Wonka then starts his gaslighting. He shoves them into a hallway that has trick doors and shit. He’s gaslighting the dick out of them.

Some parents want to leave, but Wonka informs them there is no going back. It’s too late. They’re in his maze and they’ve signed away their souls.

Wonka continues to gaslight people by making shit insane and illusions and shit.

He then plays some devil’s music to open the door into his chocolate room.

This god damn place is a god damn nightmare. It looks like a leprechaun with a crack addiction designed it with the help of an interior designer who took LSD.

Wonka begins to sing and then asserts his dominance by using his cane to keep people from passing him. Like. Almost hits several kids. He then goes up and down the same stairs to make them follow his steps.

He is getting off on the control.

He then pulls a hair out of Mike’s head. Wtf.

Ugh. That’s after he runs his hair.

Wonka finally lets them go and try everything. Everything is edible.

Wonka watches as people eat random shit. Hey. Asshole. The sidewalk isn’t edible so you fucking lied. What a liar.

Wonka dances around in anticipation of the blood bath he’s going to cause soon enough.

This place violates sooooo many health codes.

We then see a shit river. Wonka claims it’s chocolate. It’s not. It’s actually chemicals. I know because I tried some during my undercover work. It made me vomit and have diarrhea.

Wonka brags that his “chocolate” river is the only one to mix chocolate by waterfall. Yeah, moron, that is because that’s the dumbest way.

We are then introduced to the exploited Oompa Loompas. These assholes all laugh and gawk and insult them. It’s awful.

We see the oompas coming in to work. Just for your information. In the doorways behind them is the metal bar lined hallway that makes up the series of mazes used to move them about behind the scenes.

It should also be known that just out of shot are a couple of men with lead bars. They bash oompas upside their head if they don’t work. It’s revolting!!!

We then see Augustus drinking the chocolate. Wonka gets so angry, he kicks him into the river. You see it!!!

Wonka then complains about his chocolate. Then sarcastically jokes about calling the cops. Then Augustus gets sucked into a pipe while Wonka enjoys it. He eats candy as he watches it and explains that Augustus gets blasted into a furnace.

We get to see Wonka’s O face as he watches a kid die. What the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!

Wonka is browbeated by the mom. Wonka tells her to fuck off and has the oompas move her away. To distract the other victims, the other Oompa Loompas sing a song that is just a diss track on Augustus. They go wayyyy over the line. But they’re forced to do it.

A dad asks him a question, so Wonka responds by speaking in another language and makes them all get onto Satan’s riverboat.

It should be noted it only holds 8. That means he knew Augustus would be dead already.

If not then there would have been more seats. Prove me wrong, Wonka apologists.

#WonkaIsJigsaw

Wonka tries to drug Mike TV’s mom.

I’m kidding. He’s already drugged everyone with his “everything is edible” shit. We knows this because the drugs kick in as they go into a tunnel of torture.

Wonka makes the oompas paddle faster as the hallucinations kick in. Wonka gets off on people having bad trips. Grandpa Joe is enjoying the trip.

It has horror scenes of bugs and chicken slaughter. Wonka sings disturbing lyrics. Wtf. Wtf. Wtf. Wtf. Wtf. Wtf. Wtf!!!

Wonka is trying to cause people to go insane!!!

This scene shatters minds.

Wonka then tells everyone to get the fuck out of the boat.

They go into the chocolate creation room. Which is a shithole. It looks like a frat boys room. Shit everywhere with smoke coming out for no reason.

We see more Oompa Loompas being exploited in a room that has massive hazards.

Grandpa Joe screams “It’s like a Turkish bath.”

Then he starts to describe disturbing things he used to do.

Wonka mumbles as he makes a drink made from random nonsense. He then starts throwing random shit into a pot.

He keeps singing and screaming madness. Wtf.

Mike TV then has his teeth broken by exploding candy. Wonka is pissed it wasn’t “powerful enough.”

Then we hear Wonka bragging about sexual exploitation (Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker).

Wonka then brags about a new candy that people will only ever buy once. An everlasting gobstopper. It never gets smaller. Which is basically defying god and conservation of energy and mass.

Wonka then demands the kids to never “tell anyone what I’m giving you.”

Creepy.

We then see a new candy that is basically taking lots of food and turning it into a single piece of candy.

So he is wasting food on top of everything else.

He then entices Violet to take the gun from him. He knows she’s an addict.

Violet chews it and starts to taste food. Wonka pretends to care she’s gonna die. He doesn’t

It’s at this point Wonka reveals it’ll kill Violet. She’s going to explode. Wonka calls the exploited oompas to go “juice” her. That’s code for tossing her corpse.

We know this because the oompas circle her and taunt her instead of “juicing” her.

Okay. Can we talk about how the oompas have a song for each kid that relates to their weaknesses?

Wonka knew how to ensnare kids to off themselves like Jigsaw.

Then Wonka says “Well. Well. Well. Two naughty, nasty kids go. Three good, sweet little children left”

Ewwwwwwwwwww.

Then Wonka realizes the drugs are wearing off. He shows them lickable wallpaper.

Apparently people don’t think communicable diseases exist.

When Verruca points out a mistake Wonka makes, he squeezes her face and threatens her with “eternal dreams.”

They then go to be fizzy lifting room. Wonka knows Grandpa Joe has a drinking problem and this is their Jigsaw puzzle. Grandpa makes Charlie drink.

This drink makes you fly up. Up to a god damn blade trap.

We hear. “Hello. Let’s play a game. You allowed your drinking to ruin your life. See if you can find out how to stop before my blades stop you.”

Charlie realizes they’re about to die. He cries for Grandpa to help. Grandpa screams “This is your fault!” And starts to kick charlie.

He misses and this makes Grandpa fart. Turns out farting makes you float down.

They burp and fart their way out of the trap.

Gum*

They then run up to pretend like nothing happened.

They’re in a room with geese they may golden eggs. We now know how Wonka got the money he needed to create his Fear Factory.

He has a device that somehow knows good eggs from bad. I’m kidding. It’s a ruse to get Verruca to gank herself.

Verruca sings her Karen song.

Gotta say. Wonka is right with this trap.

We hear “Hello. Let’s play a game. You say you want the whole world. That you want today and tomorrow. It’s time to find out what happens when the party stops and only today matters.”

Verruca fails the challenge and Wonks tells her dad “She was a bad egg and that drop leads to the furnace.”

Her dad goes in after her.

Wonka lets the mask slip “There’s gonna be a lot of garbage today.”

Then Grandpa laughs that they died. See. He survived and he is reveling in their misery.

The Oompa Loompas then sing over their corpses as they drag them out.

To be fair to the oompas, this is the only fresh meat they’ll ever get.

Wonka then says “I don’t understand. Kids are disappearing like rabbits.”

He’s trying to set up his legal defense.

That lay*

This might be the hardest movie to watch. Seeing a madman enjoying the deaths of these kids is…it’s taking its toll on my mental health.

We then cut to oompas filling the Wonkamobile up. This is the most inefficient vehicle ever. It gets 0.0001 miles per gallon.

It also can ONLY FIT FOUR!!!

Wonka knew how many kids would die. It also means he hoped only one escaped his traps.

Wonka’s car also sprays foam and shit on everyone. So we find out his fetish. Disgusting.

They finally get to the end. We also find out this was Joe’s first bath since the explosion at the swingers’ party.

Now we come to Wonka’s tv studio. He likes to watch.

Wonka has found a way to take 50 pounds of chocolate 8 feet away where it’s like a quarter of a pound.

This dude loves to waste food and resources.

He knows this tv shit is too much enticement for Mike. Mike goes and jumps in front of the camera. The Oompa Loompas see Wonka nod to take the picture.

Wonka pretends like he cares.

We see Mike appear tiny on the tv. Mike is dead. He died and was rebuilt and the clone has all his memories.

Wonka knows that Mike will die from this soon.

He says something about “taffy pulling machine.”

That’s code for “dispose of the mother, too.”

The pre-prepared song tells us Wonka knew it’d happen this way.

Wonka then tries to gaslight Charlie and Grandpa Joe. He tells them that the kids are totally alive. What bullshit.

Wonka tells them to fuck off. “Whole day wasted.”

Wonka is gonna go watch the replays to the murders.

Grandpa wants his chocolate, so he breaks into Wonka’s office. It is a fucking nightmare. Everything is cut in half. Wtf! He’s two face!!!

Wonka screams gibberish at Grandpa and says “Hey. You didn’t die in my trap. You lose. Good day sir.”

Grandpa Joe screams “I want chocolate you inhuman monster!!”

Grandpa rightly wants to sell to Slugworth so they can get food to survive. Charlie is a wimp and gives the gobstopper back.

Turns out Slugworth was another trap. If Charlie had tried to sell to Slugworth, Charlie would have died.

See. The creepy guy works for Wonka. Wonka not only set up a trap, he set up his rival to be a creep who whispers into the ears of children. It’s win-win for him!!

Turns out this is all a test. Charlie wins the chocolate factory and all liabilities that come with it. Including the murder rap if they’re caught.

Wonka decides to make his escape in the Wonkavator. We also find out Wonka wants to test the red button in it with Charlie. See. They might die. Wonka gets off on this and he doesn’t want to die alone if it goes bad. “You’re coming to hell with me!!!”

The wonkavator flies into the air and they see their shithole town just before it crashes into the ground and kills them all.

Before that happens, Wonka asks a young boy to move in with him. Charlie is creeped out and demands his family comes, too.

Wonka sees the Oompa Loompas as objects because he tells Charlie he needs to “take care of the Oompa Loompas.”

Or maybe he wants Charlie to off them. Shit. They are witnesses.

I need to get back in there and warn them!!!!

After Wonks creeps on Charlie and talks about “Telling him my secrets.”

Grandpa Joe screams “I’m moving in, too.” Grandpa then vomits fizzy lifting drink all over Wonka.

Well. That was Saw 1971: Willy Wonka’s Fear Factory.

It wasn’t the origin Jigsaw origin story I thought it’d be, but not bad.

I just feel sorry for the Oompa Loompas.

Also. Fuck Grandpa Joe. That monster.

@threadreaderapp unroll