So I just found this video tape last week. I popped it in and it's really stupid. I'm pretty sure it's some art student's work.
What's really weird is I'm in it.
The name of the video was #TheRing.
What's really weird is I'm in it.
The name of the video was #TheRing.
I should warn you that I have a VHS and a TV made during the presidency of Reagan.
The color saturation is all whacked, but I'm going to give this a shot.
The color saturation is all whacked, but I'm going to give this a shot.
It starts out on some Boomer house. We know it's one because no one younger could afford some a freaking massive house.
Some millennials are watching TV. We know this is from a long time ago because they're watching TV.
If it was Gen Z they'd be doing something way cooler. Like reading live reviews by unfunny people.
If it was Gen Z they'd be doing something way cooler. Like reading live reviews by unfunny people.
One of the teens talks about a video that is lame as hell. It causes telemarketers call you and they tell you "Seven Days."
The other teen freaks because she saw the video EXACTLY 7 DAYS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The other teen says "You're just trying to scare me" and then her friend pretends to die. She screams "IT'S JUST A PRANK, BRO!!!"
We find out her friend is a slag. Which, in a horror movie, is a death sentence.
The phone rings and the other teen goes "There really is a tape" in a weird way.
Like...why?
Like...why?
The teens go downstairs and stare at the phone as it continues to ring.
Uh. This is why you fucking never answer calls. Only texts.
Uh. This is why you fucking never answer calls. Only texts.
One of the teens picks up. She hands it to the other girl. The one who saw the tape.
It's her mom.
HAHAHAHA. FAKE OUT!!!!!!!
It's her mom.
HAHAHAHA. FAKE OUT!!!!!!!
Then teen talks to her mom and then she hears white noise.
She goes into the other room and her shitty CRT TV is on.
She turns off the tv and it turns itself
*yawn*
Sorry. People think this is scary for some reason.
*yawns again*
She goes into the other room and her shitty CRT TV is on.
She turns off the tv and it turns itself
*yawn*
Sorry. People think this is scary for some reason.
*yawns again*
The teen unplugs the tv and sees someone in the black
*yawns*
I'm sorry.
Tired.
This movie makes me sleepy.
The teen goes into the kitchen and THE FRIDGE IS OPEN!!!
She freaks and
*yawns*
*yawns*
I'm sorry.
Tired.
This movie makes me sleepy.
The teen goes into the kitchen and THE FRIDGE IS OPEN!!!
She freaks and
*yawns*
She goes upstairs slowly calling for her friend.
She sees water in the hallway.
*burps*
Looks like they left the tub running.
That's how you get mold ya moron.
She sees water in the hallway.
*burps*
Looks like they left the tub running.
That's how you get mold ya moron.
She opens the bedroom door and, on her TV, is this lame art student video.
It cuts to some kid drawing a lousy picture.
The kid looks like he snaps the backs of squirrels.
It cuts to some kid drawing a lousy picture.
The kid looks like he snaps the backs of squirrels.
We're introduced to the kid's mom.
She likes to swear like me.
Rachel's teacher wants to talk to her about her son snapping squirrel backs.
She likes to swear like me.
Rachel's teacher wants to talk to her about her son snapping squirrel backs.
We find out that the kid lost a cousin and
The kid has been drawing fucked up stuff. Like...he's 100% gonna be a serial killer.
He's drawing his cousin dead in the ground.
Get this god damn kid some therapy.
Rachel doesn't give a shitttt about her kid's mental health.
The kid has been drawing fucked up stuff. Like...he's 100% gonna be a serial killer.
He's drawing his cousin dead in the ground.
Get this god damn kid some therapy.
Rachel doesn't give a shitttt about her kid's mental health.
Oh. We also find out that Aiden (the kid) knew his cousin was gonna die. He drew the paintings LAST WEEK!!!!!
Dude was just confessing to the murder he committed.
Calling it now. The video is a god damn ruse for rubes.
Aiden is the real killer.
Dude was just confessing to the murder he committed.
Calling it now. The video is a god damn ruse for rubes.
Aiden is the real killer.
That night the kid goes off on some existential shit. God damn, kid.
He also calls her Rachel. Maybe it's just me, but a small kid who draws his cousin dead before she dies and calls his mom by her name is...a fucking psycho.
He also calls her Rachel. Maybe it's just me, but a small kid who draws his cousin dead before she dies and calls his mom by her name is...a fucking psycho.
The kid reveals that his cousin (the girl at the beginning) knew she was gonna die.
Again. This whole extended family needs serious mental health checks.
Again. This whole extended family needs serious mental health checks.
The next day Rachel walks around in her underwear for the camera.
She goes out and sees her serial killer son has put out her clothes.
"It's a little wrinkled."
This kid FUCKING TERRIFIES ME!
She goes out and sees her serial killer son has put out her clothes.
"It's a little wrinkled."
This kid FUCKING TERRIFIES ME!
They go to the wake for his cousin he murdered and he grins as he puts down a flower. He whispers "They all think it's a dumb video tape."
Rachel goes and pretends that her son isn't a serial killer to her sister/brother in law.
Real talk. Those parents need therapy. Like. Legitimately.
The father is wallowing in depression and the mom is trying to act tough.
I legit feel sorry for them.
The father is wallowing in depression and the mom is trying to act tough.
I legit feel sorry for them.
Her mom says that no one has ever had a heart attack at 16. That's a lie. She did "internet research." So...even 20 years ago people got misinformation off the net.
So Rachel's sister asks her to investigate what hap..
AHHH. We see an image of what happened to the girl. She had dirt thrown on her face.
AHHH. We see an image of what happened to the girl. She had dirt thrown on her face.
Rachel goes out and tries to hang out with some teen girls and act cool.
We find out the other girl at the beginning went to the mental institution.
Then Rachel...tries to be cool with the teens? WTF, Rachel. You're old. Deal with it.
We find out the other girl at the beginning went to the mental institution.
Then Rachel...tries to be cool with the teens? WTF, Rachel. You're old. Deal with it.
Some other teen dude goes "THE TAPE KILLED HER!!!"
We find out the cousin was dating some dude and that dude is dead, too.
IT'S THE TAPE. EVERYONE WHO SEES THE TAPE
*yawns*
IT'S THE TAPE. EVERYONE WHO SEES THE TAPE
*yawns*
The serial killer kid creepily remembers murdering his cousin and blaming it on the tape.
He goes upstairs and just is creepy as all hell.
The girl in the TV ain't got SHIT on this little freak.
He goes upstairs and just is creepy as all hell.
The girl in the TV ain't got SHIT on this little freak.
Aiden goes into her room and just enjoys getting away with murder.
He just smugly stands there until his mom chases him out.
Rachel opens her journal and we see some weird art of faces being drawn over. Uh...these are signs the teenager girl needs serious mental help.
He just smugly stands there until his mom chases him out.
Rachel opens her journal and we see some weird art of faces being drawn over. Uh...these are signs the teenager girl needs serious mental help.
Rachel rifles through her shit and finds a film development stub.
Good thing this was back when people printed film since digital would have
*yawn*
Man.
Good thing this was back when people printed film since digital would have
*yawn*
Man.
Rachel flips through the photos and we get to one photo at the end where all the faces look like that painting of Jesus in Italy.
It couldn't have been the film being processed wrong. NO...IT'S EVIL!!!
It couldn't have been the film being processed wrong. NO...IT'S EVIL!!!
The next day we go to a news room.
Rachel is a reporter.
Her boss tries to fire her, but she acts like he can't do that.
She lies and says she has a "good story."
Uh. You don't.
She then shushes her boss away. He's such a cuck.
Rachel is a reporter.
Her boss tries to fire her, but she acts like he can't do that.
She lies and says she has a "good story."
Uh. You don't.
She then shushes her boss away. He's such a cuck.
Rachel goes up to the cabin her niece went to because
*yawn*
Man. This video tape is making me sleepy.
*yawn*
Man. This video tape is making me sleepy.
She goes into some cabin or some shit and some hick tries to pick her up with magic.
That doesn't work.
That doesn't work.
Rachel wants to know if he saw them.
He goes "I remember her. They didn't pay. They complained about tv not working. Hey. We have VHSs. Random people bring them. VHS. VHS. VIDEO TAPES!!!"
He goes "I remember her. They didn't pay. They complained about tv not working. Hey. We have VHSs. Random people bring them. VHS. VHS. VIDEO TAPES!!!"
She steals a video tape and she goes into the cabin.
It looks like crap.
OH. LOOK. THE TREE FROM LATER ON!!!!
It looks like crap.
OH. LOOK. THE TREE FROM LATER ON!!!!
She holds onto the VHS as an art student project cuts into the film and then we show the VHS.
We then see a really, really, really, really, really, really, realy, really lame ass art film.
We then see a really, really, really, really, really, really, realy, really lame ass art film.
I watched Wonka's LSD tunnel yesterday. This shit is tame as all fuck.
God. This film is so pretentious.
I just know whoever made it won't stop bragging that they won some lame ass award no one has ever heard of.
I just know whoever made it won't stop bragging that they won some lame ass award no one has ever heard of.
Then the phone rings.
Again. I would never, ever, ever have any problems in horror films because I refuse to open doors/answer phones.
Again. I would never, ever, ever have any problems in horror films because I refuse to open doors/answer phones.
The idiot picks up the phone and someone goes 'HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD WORD!!??? 7 DAYS AND I'LL SHOW YOU ALSDAKJFLGJL
*snores*
*continues to sleep*
*snores*
*continues to sleep*
The next day the serial killer goes to school as Rachel holds onto the VHS.
I think she's respooling it or someting.
I think she's respooling it or someting.
Her young, serial killer son walks in the rain by himself and is slogworth-like confronted by some dude.
Luckily, this dude turns out to be Rachel's friend instead of a serial killer.
A different serial killer.
Luckily, this dude turns out to be Rachel's friend instead of a serial killer.
A different serial killer.
This is Noah. Rachel asks him to take instagram photos of her. You know. Where she looks away and bored.
The camera has an issue and has the "smudge face" filter defaulting on every image.
The camera has an issue and has the "smudge face" filter defaulting on every image.
The dude wants to see the VHS because he wants to act pretentious and go "Oh, I saw this film you've never heard of. It won several awards you've never heard of."
We then get "artistic" cuts between Rachael adnalsjfkc
*yawns*
*yawns*
Rachel watches someone else's life that is
*yawn*
My god this is so subtle!!!
*yawn*
My god this is so subtle!!!
Then the phone rings.
THE PHONE.
Just don't answer it, morons.
Problem solved.
THE PHONE.
Just don't answer it, morons.
Problem solved.
This dumb video would fail now because no one has a VHS and no one answers their phone.
Rachel gets mad that Noah isn't scared of the terrible art film.
Rachel then tells Noah it takes a week to bump you off.
Noah, rightly, thinks she's a moron.
Rachel then tells Noah it takes a week to bump you off.
Noah, rightly, thinks she's a moron.
Rachel asks Noah to find out who made this tape.
I guarantee it has credits with someone whose name has a misspelling for the name. Like instead of Kyle it's Quyllel.
I guarantee it has credits with someone whose name has a misspelling for the name. Like instead of Kyle it's Quyllel.
We cut to the news room and
*yawns*
This is supposed to be a horror film?
*yawns*
This is supposed to be a horror film?
Rachel makes a copy of the VHS tape because she wants other people to know how cool she is for watching art school film.
It's now Friday and you know what that means?
Noah then goes all 'GEEK' (her words...not mine) on this.
Noah goes bleh bleh bleh and blah blah blah and I go yawn yawn yawn
Noah goes bleh bleh bleh and blah blah blah and I go yawn yawn yawn
Hahaha...Noah.
HAHAHAH
Noah...Noah
HAHAHAH
He shows a scene of a mirror and goes "YOU CAN'T SEE THE CAMERA, BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE."
Dude. It's called trick photography or CGI or anything!!!
You work in film. You should know this!!!
HAHAHAH
Noah...Noah
HAHAHAH
He shows a scene of a mirror and goes "YOU CAN'T SEE THE CAMERA, BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE."
Dude. It's called trick photography or CGI or anything!!!
You work in film. You should know this!!!
Noah's partner (Beth) comes in. She's a college student and boinking Noah.
Noah wants her to watch it, but Rachel doesn't want Beth to be cool like her.
Only she can see art student films.
Noah wants her to watch it, but Rachel doesn't want Beth to be cool like her.
Only she can see art student films.
Rachel is all pissed that Noah is
*yawns*
love triangles are boring.
*yawns*
love triangles are boring.
Rachel storms off and goes into some alley with a ladder. She goes under the ladder and she is superstitious.
OH. WAIT THAT'S THE LADDER FROM THE ART FILM!!!
OH. WAIT THAT'S THE LADDER FROM THE ART FILM!!!
Now it's Saturday.
If you're an idiot and can't count, it's day 3.
If you're an idiot and can't count, it's day 3.
We're at a really sucky mental institution.
The girl from the beginning (Becca) is all weird as hell.
She saw her friend die from ripping too much ass after eating Arby's.
The girl from the beginning (Becca) is all weird as hell.
She saw her friend die from ripping too much ass after eating Arby's.
Rachel wears a dumb as hell shirt as she tries to talk to Becca.
Becca doesn't want to talk about the Arby's shits.
The smell alone makes her retch.
Becca doesn't want to talk about the Arby's shits.
The smell alone makes her retch.
Rachel is like "Hey. I saw this art student film. You ever heard of it? I bet you haven't."
Becca is like "She'll show you."
They play the pronoun game as Becca teaches Rachel math "7-3 equals 69!"
Becca is like "She'll show you."
They play the pronoun game as Becca teaches Rachel math "7-3 equals 69!"
Rachel goes to some video blah specialty place blah blah blah.
She starts to print off screenshots like she's a Boomer/Silent Generation in the late 90s who thinks they should print out gifs or some shit.
While messing around with the video she sees a lighthouse.
*burps*
Oh, man. Stop showing me this stupid student art project. It's so fucking lame.
*burps*
Oh, man. Stop showing me this stupid student art project. It's so fucking lame.
She pulls a fly out of the video and she gets a nose bleed.
OH. IT'S SUNDAY. DAY 4
You know.
I'd just jump on a plane and make that slag from the TV track my ass down in some desert.
Good luck with water there, long-hair.
OH. IT'S SUNDAY. DAY 4
You know.
I'd just jump on a plane and make that slag from the TV track my ass down in some desert.
Good luck with water there, long-hair.
Rachel finds the lighthouse using the library. HAHAHAHA
The early 2000s were lame as all hell.
"Alexa. What's the name of the lighthouse from this stupid student art project?"
"Moesko Island Lighthouse."
See. That was easy.
The early 2000s were lame as all hell.
"Alexa. What's the name of the lighthouse from this stupid student art project?"
"Moesko Island Lighthouse."
See. That was easy.
She googles and finds some woman with a bunch ofaakldsfj
*yawns*
Man. The background on this is riveting.
She searches for her name and finds just one result with a horse jumping competition.
Cool. Exciting.
WE get googling action.
*yawns*
Man. The background on this is riveting.
She searches for her name and finds just one result with a horse jumping competition.
Cool. Exciting.
WE get googling action.
Rachel recreates the beginning of The Mummy by knocking stacks of shit off the library shelves like an asshole.
We find out that the woman's horses got sick and drowned.
So what? We've had mad cow disease and a bunch of other things.
A couple ...who cares
So what? We've had mad cow disease and a bunch of other things.
A couple ...who cares
Then we find out that the woman in the film (Anna) had mental health issues and ..uh...let's just say that's the last student film she'll ever make.
It's now MONDAY. DAY 5.
OH, MAN.
Get on a god damn plane you idiot.
Also. Where is your kid? You have neglected him for days.
No wonder he's a serial killer.
OH, MAN.
Get on a god damn plane you idiot.
Also. Where is your kid? You have neglected him for days.
No wonder he's a serial killer.
We cut to Noah buying smokes.
The cashier, who sold him the cigarettes, tells him to quit smoking.
Uh. You know. You're part of the problem.
He looks in the CCTV and his face has the blur filter on.
The cashier, who sold him the cigarettes, tells him to quit smoking.
Uh. You know. You're part of the problem.
He looks in the CCTV and his face has the blur filter on.
Jesus. Even the transitions in this movie are a bad student art project in quality.
That night Rachel wakes the babysitter like a serial killer by grabbing her while she sleeps.
Say her name to wake her you freak.
Say her name to wake her you freak.
The serial killer is pretending to sleep as his mom watches him.
*burp*
Why do people think this movie is scary?
*burp*
Why do people think this movie is scary?
Rachel pours herself some water as it rains.
She gags on the water because she's old.
Or she's the kid from Signs.
Rachel hacks up a hairball.
HAHAHA. SHE'S A GOD DAMN CAT!!!
She gags on the water because she's old.
Or she's the kid from Signs.
Rachel hacks up a hairball.
HAHAHA. SHE'S A GOD DAMN CAT!!!
Rachel's friend got tired of listening to hear talk about this "film you've never heard of," so she hangs up.
The phone is so sick of hearing it, it bleeds from its earpiece.
The phone is so sick of hearing it, it bleeds from its earpiece.
We cut to Rachel having a bad dream.
Oh, man.
SO scary.
SO
*yawns*
She has a hand print on her arm.
Oh, man.
SO scary.
SO
*yawns*
She has a hand print on her arm.
It's at this point I should point out that her niece never had any of the signs of the impending doom.
We know this because she didn't seem weirded out just before she got ganked besides the phone call.
We know this because she didn't seem weirded out just before she got ganked besides the phone call.
So Rachel, apparently, is special and gets special treatment by the VHS.
How convenient. Oh...wait.
What's that called?
How convenient. Oh...wait.
What's that called?
Rachel hears her serial killer of a son watching the VHS.
She screams and this kid HAHAHA
HE HAS THESE EYES THAT SAY "I'M GONNA GANK THAT GIRL IN THE VIDEO" HAHAHAHAH
She screams and this kid HAHAHA
HE HAS THESE EYES THAT SAY "I'M GONNA GANK THAT GIRL IN THE VIDEO" HAHAHAHAH
The phone rings and Rachel is fighting the urge to pick it up hahah
She picks it up and it's a fake out.
hahahaha
so stupid
She picks it up and it's a fake out.
hahahaha
so stupid
It's Noah. He's freaking out.
His camera is stuck on the blurry face filter app, too.
Rachel tells Noah that the serial killer watched the tape and kee...
OH. SHIT. Turns out the serial killer is Noah's kid, too.
Sorry about that, Noah. Your kid is a psycho.
His camera is stuck on the blurry face filter app, too.
Rachel tells Noah that the serial killer watched the tape and kee...
OH. SHIT. Turns out the serial killer is Noah's kid, too.
Sorry about that, Noah. Your kid is a psycho.
So Rachel drops his paternal bombshell on Noah. So. Which is worse, Noah.
Finding out you're gonna die in 2 days or that you're a father of the Ring Around the Rosie Ripper?
Finding out you're gonna die in 2 days or that you're a father of the Ring Around the Rosie Ripper?
Noah decides he'd rather die than be the father of a kid who doesn't see other people. The kid only sees victims to sate her hunger for blood.
Rachel is looking at someone's dumb drawings and I don't care.
This movie is so fucking boring.
This movie is so fucking boring.
Rachel starts to obsess over this weirdo woman who made the art project film.
Her name is Amanda and she's terrible at horses and film making.
Like. Everyone should boo her.
Her name is Amanda and she's terrible at horses and film making.
Like. Everyone should boo her.
Rachel and Noah go to retrace the completely uninspiring footsteps of this hack horse/film woman.
Hahaha.
There's a convenient horse carrier for the ferry.
Gee. I wonder if that'll do anything.
This movie is just so brilliant.
*farts*
Man. So brilliant.
There's a convenient horse carrier for the ferry.
Gee. I wonder if that'll do anything.
This movie is just so brilliant.
*farts*
Man. So brilliant.
We find out that Amanda's husband is named Dick. Hahaha.
We also find out that Amanda had a kid. The one in the tape.
Typical film maker. Forcing their annoying kids into every one of their movie projects even if they suck at it.
We also find out that Amanda had a kid. The one in the tape.
Typical film maker. Forcing their annoying kids into every one of their movie projects even if they suck at it.
Rachel goes to harass a horse because she's a dbag.
THE HORSE IS IN ITS CARRIAGE AND DOESN'T WANT YOU TOUCHING IT.
BACK AWAY YOU MONSTER!!!
THE HORSE IS IN ITS CARRIAGE AND DOESN'T WANT YOU TOUCHING IT.
BACK AWAY YOU MONSTER!!!
Rachel is the worst.
She antagonizes this poor animal all because she's like "I WANNA PET IT!!!"
The horse hates her so much that is does bad CGI and then tosses itself into the see like an Ancient Greek maiden.
She antagonizes this poor animal all because she's like "I WANNA PET IT!!!"
The horse hates her so much that is does bad CGI and then tosses itself into the see like an Ancient Greek maiden.
Gotta be honest. The horse just wants to stop listening to Rachel going "I KNOW OF A MOVIE NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT. I'M SO COOL!!! IT'S SO INTERESTING AND YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT!!!!!!"
Gonna say this.
The girl in the film kills a bunch of people. Rachel murders a horse.
Rachel is the true villain in this film.
The girl in the film kills a bunch of people. Rachel murders a horse.
Rachel is the true villain in this film.
We cut over to Noah going to a mental health facility. He desperately wants to find out if he can commit his serial killer son.
He then pivots and goes "I want to find the records of a woman who died 30 years ago. I'm sure this doesn't violate HIPPO."
He then pivots and goes "I want to find the records of a woman who died 30 years ago. I'm sure this doesn't violate HIPPO."
Noah gaslights the workers into telling him where to go.
He breaks in and
*yawns*
Man. I need some coffee to get through this pile of trash.
Can we cut it down from 7 days down to 2????
He breaks in and
*yawns*
Man. I need some coffee to get through this pile of trash.
Can we cut it down from 7 days down to 2????
OH, THERE'S A LIGHTHOUSE!! HOW SCARY!!!
I've been to scarier lighthouses.
Ones where they try to sell you t-shirts.
I've been to scarier lighthouses.
Ones where they try to sell you t-shirts.
Rachel tracks down the Morgan farm.
The house looks like crap.
If it was in LA, it'd cost you 32829239 billion dollars.
The house looks like crap.
If it was in LA, it'd cost you 32829239 billion dollars.
Rachel
HHAHAHA
I JUST REALIZED THE WEIRDO IN THE WINDOW LOOKS LIKE A FAT GUY IN A WIG
HAHAHAHHAHAHA
HHAHAHA
I JUST REALIZED THE WEIRDO IN THE WINDOW LOOKS LIKE A FAT GUY IN A WIG
HAHAHAHHAHAHA
Man. Rachel is trespassing because she's the worst.
She finds some dude hammering the fence.
This is Dick.
Played by Mr. Cox.
She finds some dude hammering the fence.
This is Dick.
Played by Mr. Cox.
Mr. Dick asks if she wants to know about the horses.
Rachel says "Tell me about the bunnies."
See what I did there?
THIS IS CLEVER. YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE HOW CLEVER I AM. JUST LIKE THIS MOVIE IS SCARY AND FASCINATING!!!
Rachel says "Tell me about the bunnies."
See what I did there?
THIS IS CLEVER. YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE HOW CLEVER I AM. JUST LIKE THIS MOVIE IS SCARY AND FASCINATING!!!
We find out that the horses all went crazy and offed themselves.
Apparently they disliked Amanda so much, they couldn't be around her going "I'M GOING TO MAKE THE BEST INDIE ART FILM EVER!!" ALL FUCKING DAY!
Apparently they disliked Amanda so much, they couldn't be around her going "I'M GOING TO MAKE THE BEST INDIE ART FILM EVER!!" ALL FUCKING DAY!
Rachel brings up Amanda's stupid student project and Dick gets pissed.
He asks if that's the only one. He's mad she made a copy.
He doesn't want more people to see his wife's dumb movie.
"I'M GOING TO MAKE A CHAIR SPIN UPSIDE DOWN!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE MEANING???!!!"
He asks if that's the only one. He's mad she made a copy.
He doesn't want more people to see his wife's dumb movie.
"I'M GOING TO MAKE A CHAIR SPIN UPSIDE DOWN!!!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE MEANING???!!!"
Rachel asks about his daughter.
You know, Rachel, you really are just the worst. You're asking about this poor dude's life tragedies.
If I was that dude, I'd tell that woman to go pound sand.
I mean he does...EVENTUALLY.
He's wayyyyy too nice.
You know, Rachel, you really are just the worst. You're asking about this poor dude's life tragedies.
If I was that dude, I'd tell that woman to go pound sand.
I mean he does...EVENTUALLY.
He's wayyyyy too nice.
Rachel, before he closes the door, goes "HEY. I SAW THIS FILM NO ONE ELSE HAS SEEN. I'M SO COOL!!!"
Seriously. This dumb movie is just a shitty home movie edited together by an art student who wants to make the world a worse place.
Noah is violating a ton of laws by reading medical records of Amanda's stuff.
His nose bleeds and I yawn.
Because this FUCKING MOVIE IS BORRRRRRINGGGGGGG
His nose bleeds and I yawn.
Because this FUCKING MOVIE IS BORRRRRRINGGGGGGG
We cut to the serial killer kid making lousy art. Just the interior of a well over and over again.
This kid is a fucking serial killer. I'm not kidding.
This kid is a fucking serial killer. I'm not kidding.
Rachel calls the serial killer and asks who made him draw the picture that had the house and the kid.
The little girl.
She showed him the horses and the bunnies and where he hid the bodies.
See. She can just drop a dime on him.
The little girl.
She showed him the horses and the bunnies and where he hid the bodies.
See. She can just drop a dime on him.
OH. SucH An ARTistIC ShoTTTTT for a transition!!!
Fuck this movie.
It loves itself way too much. It thinks it's clever.
It's stupid. Like me.
We're both just stupid and pointless.
Fuck this movie.
It loves itself way too much. It thinks it's clever.
It's stupid. Like me.
We're both just stupid and pointless.
Rachel goes to the islands doctor and blah blah background blah blah.
Everyone is so cagey because you're a total stranger asking people to recall horrible memories that shocked their poor island.
Everyone is so cagey because you're a total stranger asking people to recall horrible memories that shocked their poor island.
We also find out that the Morgans left one day and came back to the island with a kid named Salmonella.
We find out that Salmonella is basically EVILLLL and makes Amanda have crazy stuff happen around her and stuff.
SALMONELLA IS EVVVVVVVVILLLL!!!!!!!
EVVVVVILLLLLLLL!!!
Aidan is evil. Aidan is a serial killer. Salmonella is just annoying.
SALMONELLA IS EVVVVVVVVILLLL!!!!!!!
EVVVVVILLLLLLLL!!!
Aidan is evil. Aidan is a serial killer. Salmonella is just annoying.
Oh, shit.
I'll be right back.
Some git is leaking water out of my TV and keeps screaming "7 DAYS!!!" over and over again.
I gotta go mop this up and throw her ass out.
BRB.
I'll be right back.
Some git is leaking water out of my TV and keeps screaming "7 DAYS!!!" over and over again.
I gotta go mop this up and throw her ass out.
BRB.
Holy crap that was awesome. So Salmonella came out of the TV and got water everywhere. @Soundsaboutleft came in and was pissssssseeeddd.
They started to fight and just beat the ever living shit out of each other. The house is trashed.
They started to fight and just beat the ever living shit out of each other. The house is trashed.
On the bright side, Salmonella ordered us some Taco Bell and it’s all good. I mean the house is destroyed, but it’s center’s turn to clean this week.
So we find out that the island became a shithole while Salmonella. Based on the state of my house, this is accurate.
Noah gets access to some tapes he shouldn’t. Well. That would be true, but the tape is gone.
See. Dick took Amanda’s home movie student film. Noah tries to call Rachel.
See. Dick took Amanda’s home movie student film. Noah tries to call Rachel.
Hahaha. Salmonella just said “She always picks up my calls.”
Man. Salmonella is hilarious. I mean the person. Not the disease for people who don’t see the context.
Man. Salmonella is hilarious. I mean the person. Not the disease for people who don’t see the context.
Rachel breaks into Dick’s house and starts fangirling it up. “Oh, my god. There’s the mirror from the movie!!”
The dork even had print outs from the film.
The dork even had print outs from the film.
Rachel puts in a vhs. It’s not quite as annoying. It’s Salmonella’s therapy sessions. She has her face always covered by her hair.
Salmonella tells me because “I want to look like Slash.”
Salmonella tells me because “I want to look like Slash.”
Salmonella is in therapy talking about how her creativity is divinely inspired. Ugh. Salmonella keeps telling me I need to “watch my new stuff.”
This Taco Bell better be the best ever.
This Taco Bell better be the best ever.
We find out that Salmonella is pissed because Dick loves horses and hates Salmonella.
I mean. Yeah. Horses don’t pour water everywhere.
I mean. Yeah. Horses don’t pour water everywhere.
Dick barges in and yells at Rachel. Rachel acts like she’s the victim when she’s the one committing a B&E.
Dick mumbles about voices. That dude needs help.
Dick decides to uhh…let’s just say “Goodbye horrrsseeeeesssss.”
Dick decides to uhh…let’s just say “Goodbye horrrsseeeeesssss.”
Noah magically appears because the script said he needed to.
Rachel then realizes she has a weird fetish with electricity.
Rachel then realizes she has a weird fetish with electricity.
Rachel mumbles about horses and barns. Uh. There is a corpse in the house. You might want to drive away. Maybe fly somewhere where there are no TVs. Like a hippie commune.
Turns out that Salmonella was locked in the attic of the barn.
You want to read real horror???
Read this. Be forewarned it is disturbing and makes this trash movie seem lamer.
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genie_(fe…
You want to read real horror???
Read this. Be forewarned it is disturbing and makes this trash movie seem lamer.
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genie_(fe…
They tear down wallpaper because it’s ugly and see the mountain the cabin was at.
Salmonella is telling me that the mountain has “bitchin’ skiing.”
Salmonella is telling me that the mountain has “bitchin’ skiing.”
It’s now day 7.
*yawn*
Almost over.
*yawn*
Almost over.
We go back the lame mountain that seems more like a bill.
Into cabin 12. Into dnndnndndnd
Into cabin 12. Into dnndnndndnd
Rachel mumbles about leaves and shit. Talking about how the film captures nature’s beauty or some shit.
Man. Just find the well already.
Man. Just find the well already.
They break the floor of the cabin because some weirdo built a cabin over the well. The well Salmonella was put in.
Salmonella’s order just got here.
Salmonella’s order just got here.
Oh, shit. We got tacos and burritos and some potato tacos. These things are the bomb.
The movie is lamely attempting to be interesting, but we got tacos.
The movie is lamely attempting to be interesting, but we got tacos.
Salmonella tells me that “The well is still better than having to watch her mom’s movies.”
Rachel falls into the well because she’s a toddler from Michigan. Hey. That’s a joke for people who hear that’s old and get sad they’re old.
Man. I’m sad.
Man. I’m sad.
You know Salmonella keeps making her hard shell tacos soaking wet. It’s kinda nasty. She keeps asking for me to give her one of mine. What a greedy b word.
Oh. Right. Noah is being forced to watch another student film while Rachel hallucinates about Salmonella.
Hey. Salmonella. You have a decent singing voice. Stop. Stop trying to take my potato taco you aquatic schmuck.
Oh. Oh. I feel bad now. We find out that Salmonella’s mom does a mob hit on her and tosses her into the well.
My bad. You can have my potato taco.
My bad. You can have my potato taco.
We find out Salmonella was trapped in the well until uhh. Let’s say she didn’t make it to spring choir practice.
Rachel pulls Salmonella as Nosh yells. Salmonella, apparently, drank from the wrong grail.
Rachel pulls Salmonella as Nosh yells. Salmonella, apparently, drank from the wrong grail.
We then get a scene where the cops come out to take Dick and Salmonella in for questioning at the morgue.
It’s at this point Rachel thinks Salmonella was done innocent thing.
An innocent thing who slaughters people who watch her mom’s terrible movie.
Though, to be fair to Rachel, her kid is a serial killer. She doesn’t know better.
An innocent thing who slaughters people who watch her mom’s terrible movie.
Though, to be fair to Rachel, her kid is a serial killer. She doesn’t know better.
We also find out that Salmonella survived 7 days in the well and that’s why you have that long. Man. Good thing Salmonella hung on that long. If she survived like a day the call would be “Tomorrow. Suck it, nerd.”
They go back home to their serial killer son and they’re trying to act as if this is the end. I guess if I suffered from brain damage, I’d assume it’s done.
Noah tries to get with Rachel, but she’s not ready for that. She’s only ready to be butchered by a water demon.
The next day Rachel wakes up to serial killer watching her sleep. How can you sleep with that kid stalking you?
Rachel then tells the serial killer she helped Salmonella. He freaks because “You weren’t supposed to help her!!”
Not because she’s evil. No. Aidan just hates helping people because he’s a monster.
Not because she’s evil. No. Aidan just hates helping people because he’s a monster.
We also find out Salmonella has insomnia. Aww. Salmonella. We have so much in common. We both like Taco Bell and don’t sleep.
Noah’s tv turns on and it’s on a shitty video channel that plays lame music over some avant-garde bullshit.
Rachel calls Noah, but he doesn’t pick up. He only picks up the calls of monstrous water demons.
On the tv the creepy kid walks towards Noah on the TV while leaking water. Noah just sits there like a moron.
He doesn’t even try to fight her off. He just lets her gank him.
Salmonella. You saw what we do if you start shit. Yeah. That’s right.
Salmonella. You saw what we do if you start shit. Yeah. That’s right.
We cut over to Rachel breaking into Noah’s place. She hasn’t stopped calling him. He’s in his chair all tuckered out. He hasn’t slept well in 7 days.
He looks exhausted. Dare I say drained.
Rachel heads out when Beth comes in. Rachel just hides knowing that Beth would totally railroad her with the cops.
Rachel goes back home and tells serial killer to go to his room.
Rachel heads out when Beth comes in. Rachel just hides knowing that Beth would totally railroad her with the cops.
Rachel goes back home and tells serial killer to go to his room.
She then has a Twitter meltdown and burns the tape. She screams “No one else will know how cool this movie is but me.”
Rachel then asks why him and not her. She realizes she made a copy.
We then get flashba…
*yawns*
We then get flashba…
*yawns*
We then get a heartwarming moment of Rachel showing her creepy kid make a copy of the vhs.
I guess she wants to distribute art student films.
I guess she wants to distribute art student films.
The kid asks “What happens to be person we show this to?”
They’re forced to watch a shitty art film, serial killer.
They’re forced to watch a shitty art film, serial killer.
Well. That was The Ring and it’s underwhelming on every level. It’s not scary except for the killer kid. Not Salmonella. Aidan. That kid is terrifying. He definitely butchers prostitutes once he hits puberty.
Wel. Salmonella and I are gonna finish our Taco Bell and then she’s gonna go invade someone else’s TV.
Don’t worry. She’s wearing a mask. She’s a water demon, not a monster.
Don’t worry. She’s wearing a mask. She’s a water demon, not a monster.
@threadreaderapp unroll
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
