Thread by @Soundsaboutrig4

With the new #DexterReturns coming up, I thought I'd tell you guys about an experience of my own.

The Miami Heat Butcher Bay Butcher Dude taught me how to butcher so well, just look at this hack job image.

#Dexter

Let me tell you. Being a bloodelogist is lots of work. You have to stare at blood and...ology all dang day.

And it doesn't help when your brother (@Soundsaboutleft ) is just as crazy as you are...if not more so!

So come and enjoy the look into the documentary known as the pilot episode of

*burps*

Dexter 1.0.

But first let me talk a little bit about the show Dexter.

It only lasted 4 seasons. I thought it went out on a high note instead of sticking around for several more seasons and have idiotic plot lines no one cared about and ultimately ending in one of the worst season finales of ever. It's not like he ended up a lumberjack.

The show stars Mike B. Hallway as Dexter's Lab and other people!

So let's take a stab at this show...

SEE WHAT I DID THERE WITH THAT PUN??

We start out by watching some dude cruising for some D or some V.

And I don't mean ding-dongs and vajitas.

I mean death and violence.

Wait. He pivots to being a Miami Tourist video telling us about how great it is. Food and the night life.

We cut to some kids singing and some creep in front of them being creepy in a gazebo.

"I attack the gazebo!"

Dexter is watching some dude named Mike Dollonmen.

Apparently, Dexter thinks he's the true one.

Uh...Dex. Why you garroting your true love??

I don't know about you, but if I was Mike, I'd slam my car into a pole instead of going where some creep wants me to go with a garrote around my neck.

At least I'd go out with my head flying out teh window and be totally badass.

Dex takes the dude into some craphole house.

If this was LA, that house would cost $3 million even with the bodies.

Dexter drags the dude in and leans him against the wall and goes

'LOOK AT ME!'

Then 'LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPHH!!!'

And then "Look at the bodies of the oompa loompas you ganked you creepo."

Mike isn't a good person. He's a cereal biller of oompa loompas who have painted themselves as kids.

Mike starts to ask for a hail mary. Uh. This isn't the time for football.

Then we find out Dexter has a need to shank, but only adults.

He's like the reverse Titanic.

https://twitter.com/Soundsaboutrig4/status/1415111268214599680

Dex drugs him and then he wakes up to see Dex in a welder's mask and a penchant for scratching.

Dex then tells him how he's going to package him. Ugh. Who cares about teh details. I just want my package to absolutely get there overnight.

Dexter ganks the dude and then ganks the blaring musical instrument by monologuing.

He monologues more than Hamlet. HEYOOOOOO

Dex is taking a boat

*burps*

out into the water.

The dude live sin Florida and butchers people.

He's still better than DeathSantis in every way.

He has a fraction of the body count.

HA! POLITICAL HUMOR!

Hell. Dexter isn't anywhere near the worst person in Florida.

IT'S FLORIDA!

HA! LOCATIONAL HUMOR!

We also find out Dex's foster family has gone on, as Mrs Gump put it, Vacation.

We cut to Dexter as a little killer. His foster dad is telling him "Uh. Don't murder animals. This is literally the first signs of a cereal biller."

Dex drives his boat out to dump the package.

Ugh. That was supposed to be in Atlanta already, Dex.

We then cut to Dex going into his apartment and doing some HVAC repairs.

Turns out powering your AC unit with blood put on slides isn't a very solid plan.

We find out that Dex gets off on blood.

That's called...uh... Bloodgetoffophilia.

We hear that Dex's dad named Harry was a cop and he taught Dex how to gank bad people and do it without a trace.

Dexter also has a code of ethics where he only kills cereal billers and the like.

He's like Morbius

We get a voicemail from his foster sister, Debra. Dexter cares about her in the only way a cereal sociomath can.

That is to say intellectually.

SHE'S GOING TO TRY AND BANG IN IN THE LAST AWFUL SEASON!!!

Or something...I blocked out that awful season.

We cut to Dexter going to some motel that's a crime scene.

His sister Debra is dressed like she's going to a college frat party.

HAHAHAHA. COLLEGE FRAT HUMOR!!

She tells Dex that the motel pool has a dead hooker in it.

Like that's an uncommon sight in Miami.

Turns out there's a cereal biller.

We find out that their boss is a terrible person.

Uh. Yeah. I had a boss like their boss.

Incompetent and able to play the game to become the boss.

Debra whines that she wants to go into homicide instead of Vice TV.

So she asks Dexter for some pointers.

Dexter goes over to the pool that's been drained.

There we meet Masuka. Masuka is a sex-crazed weirdo forensics guy.

We find out that the body is completely bloodless.

It's also chopped into small packages.

We see Dexter's O face.

Ya know usually it's the prostitute who drains you instead of you draining the prostitute.

HAHAHA. CEREAL BILLING IS HILARIOUS!!

Since there is no blood, Dex leaves. See. He's a bloodeologist.

We also find out that Dex's boss has the hots for him and he doesn't get human sex interaction.

Pfft. Just watch some porno.

Dexter brings in donuts to work to put up a facade of being a nice person. He even does small talk.

Man. I do not miss small talk. Life before Covid suckkkeeeddd in that regard.

We also find out that Miami has a lousy police force because their solve rate is worse than mine at sudoku and I suck at sudoku.

We see Debra come up dressed as a cop and still swearing more than I ever have in my life.

We cut to Dexter talking to a family friend.

Then he gives the last donut to Angel (Angel is awesome)

Dex looks at the empty box and goes "Just like me. Empty inside."

DO YOU GET THAT HE IS A SOCIOMATH WHO CAN'T COMPREHEND HUMAN INTERACTION?

(Okay. Legit. The transitions and music in this show are awesome).

We then get the best detective. Doakes. He's so fucking awesome.

He gave us the start of one of my favorite memes ever

Doakes is the only person who rightly realizes Dexter is a cereal biller monster.

He is always hammering Dexter.

Hahaha. I love Doakes.

Dexter, in his own way, respects Doakes because he is the only person who suspects him as being a creepy psycho.

We cut to a crime As-Scene-On-TV Scene.

Dexter has a bunch of yarn and tripods set up so he can walk a beat cop through the butc

*burps*

hering.

Very colorful

Dexter finds a new psycho to cereal biller.

Some creepy valet.

The dude's lawyer got him off...HEYOOO.

Dex breaks into the guy's house to find enough evidence to confirm his sus...sus...what he thinks the guy did that's bad.

Dexter creeps about the house and, honestly, ..

AHHH. DOG!!!

The dog chases him into a room. The dog, unlike people, knows Dex is a monster.

Good doggy.

Dex creeps on this dude's l...

AND we cut back to a memory with his cop dad talking to him about being a cereal biller.

By the way. His dad is Lord Raiden...in the sequel.

We then cut to Dex walking around being an incel.

"Sex is for lamewads!!!"

We also find out that Dex's girlfriend (Rita) doesn't do the horizontal slide.

She also has 2 kids who Dexter won't have to adopt once their mother is butchered by a Henderson.

Turns out Rita's ex-husband was a monster.

I mean..he was Lucifer.

We cut to Dexter and his date where he goes all vegan on people eating crab.

"They bash crab. All I do is cereal biller people."

Dexter is conveniently beside the next Ice Truck Killer scene.

He goes over to find another drained lady of the night.

Dexter gives his OOOOO face

Angel is there and is pissed not because of the poor, dead woman.

He's pissed his weekend is ruined.

Oh, Angel.

That night Dex gets all hot on Rita talking about the prostitute being butchered.

Though...that might just be a ploy from him to keep her from touching him because he might go post on incel web...

OH GOD HE DOES.

He goes to a site called "Scream B**ch Scream"

Turns out the dude Dexter was stalking is a monster...

uh.

Go gank him.

We cut to Dexter getting his sweet skateboard ready.

It's si...

YOU HAVE KILL KNIVES, TEENAGER DEX?

We get Lord Raiden yelling at Dex and Dexter says "I only kill animals" and Lord Raiden goes "Oh...good...nothing like torturing innocent pets."

Seriously. Dexter....I'm disappointed.

Lord Raiden finds a way for Dex to use his 'powers' to fight the bad.

Man. That would make a great TV sho...shit.

That's why.

Lord Raiden is going to teach Dexter how to gank the evil and follow a code of ethics.

We then cut to Dexter getting a room ready with duct tape, rubber sheets, plastic, etc.

Dude is building a jerk off den.

We cut to Debra and Dexter chatting about the Ice Bucket Killer.

Let me tell you. The Ice Truck Killer sucks. The dude doesn't have any Rocket pops or icecream sandwiches or anything.

Nope. Just drained, previously-frozen ladies of the night.

Who wants that? I mean...besides Moscow Mitch?

Dexter figures out what I already know. The Ice Truck Killer uses and an ice truck.

Dude. It's in his freaking name.

Ugh. And you're supposed to be a smart character???

We cut to Dexter being at the police station and seeing the wife of the dude he ganked at teh beginning.

Doakes notices Dexter is getting off on this.

Dude. Doakes was legit the best character.

Dex gets invited into the meeting they're having by his boss (LaGuardia Airport).

In the meeting Deb tries to make some points.

She has the public speaking skills of me when sober.

Deb uses Dexter's insight to get a move to the homicide team.

Their boss craps on her because she doesn't like Deb.

The meeting ends with Deb getting shut down.

Deb whiens and then Laguardia Airport comes in and asks Dex "Hey...get in my office so I can flirt with you!!!"

We cut to Dex telling Doakes and LaGuardia that Doakes' theory on a crime is wrong.

LaGuardia is impressed and Doakes is annoyed. However, Doakes is awesome and does his job.

"I'm watching you, mother fucker."

We cut to Dex's new target going into a building for copper piping.

Dex lures him with a photo of a lady and then LEAPS OUT OF THE SHADOWS COVERED IN PLASTIC WRAP

HAHAHA...he looks so fucking stupid.

Dex keeps the plastic wrap over his face. He then cuts her face and then goes cereal biller on the dude.

Oh. It's not a jerk off room. It's a bill room.

We cut to Dex finishing up by wiping down the loads when Rita calls him.

She wants to keep things going.

As Dex heads over to her house HE GETS A FUCKING HEAD THROWN AT HIM!

The Ice Truck Killer makes deliveries.

Hell. He did it before Postmates.

Well. First they do a little cat and mouse giggle, tickle chase.

Then Dex gets some head.

AND THEN GOES TO RITA AND GETS HEAD HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I am beyond fucking witty.

I should be writing for defunct entertainment magazines.

Dexter calls his coll...col...coworkers to come see where he got head.

He's bragging "I FOLLOWED IT TO GET HEAD!"

I...I'm making blowjob jokes.

Dex's boss creeps on him and compliments him in a flirty way.

He's your subordinate. This is sexual harassment!!

He goes over to Rita's place and he gets cockblocked by a phone.

Which he wanted. What do you call wanting to be cockblocked?

Happyblocked?

Dexter sees a barbie doll on his fridge.

Well. The head.

And in his freezer is a barbie doll made to look like a drained lady of the night.

The Ice Truck Killer pulled a Warriors.

So that was Dexter's Pilot.

It's a legitimately great show...for the first 4 seasons.

Watch it.

@threadreaderapp unroll